Ironic Teachings

Homestyle Ratatouille

2011-08-30T23:30:00.001-05:00

This is for TeamPhotoblog Challenge #4.

Let me start by saying this: If you're expecting a ratatouille that looks like the final dish Remy makes in the film of the same name, you're going to be disappointed. This is a homestyle version of the recipe where the vegetables are cubed instead of sliced.

This dish is for the vegetable lover as it incorporates ten different vegetables (if you count different colored peppers as different vegetables...which I do).

What you'll need:

A stock pot to cook it all in
A skillet to brown the vegetables in
1 green pepper: cubed
1 red pepper: cubed
1 yellow pepper: cubed
1 orange pepper: cubed
1 medium sized eggplant: cubed (for this recipe, I used a larger Japanese eggplant)
3 cloves of garlic: diced
2 onions: sliced into thin rings (I used sweet onions, but red or white are just as good)
2 green zucchini: cubed
2 yellow squash: cubed
1 bay leaf
4 sprigs of thyme
2 tablespoons of chopped parsley
4 roma tomatoes chopped
1/2 cup of olive oil

Begin by chopping up the vegetables. It's a long, arduous task that requires good knife skills (and a good knife. I like using a Santakou for this).

Take the stock pot and put 1 & 1/2 tablespooons of oil in it. Heat over medium-low heat.

Add the onions and garlic and cook until soft.

As that's going, take the skillet and heat 1 & 1/2 tablespoon of olive oil and saute the zucchini in batches until browned.Saute all the remaining vegetables one batch (peppers, eggplant) at a time, adding 1 & 1/2 tablespoon olive oil to the skillet each time you add a new set of vegetables. Once each batch has been sauteed add them to the stock pot.

Season with salt and pepper.

Add the bay leaf and thyme and cover the pot.

Raise the heat to medium and cook for 15-20 minutes.

Add the chopped tomatoes and parsley to the stock pot.

Cook for another 10-15 minutes while stirring occasionally.

Remove the bay leaf, plate, and enjoy.

A nice twist to this dish is to cut up and fry polenta. Then serve the homestyle ratatouille on top. Another way is to cut up and bake some french bread, then serve on top. In any way, this is a delicious recipe that's easy to make and healthy too.

Missing the Green

2011-05-04T21:13:00.002-05:00

I grow grapes on the side of my house. I really miss the green and am excited to get back to gardening.

Laying in Wait

2011-05-02T19:59:00.002-05:00

I'm a fan of Sopheava, so when she asked for people to participate in her Photo Challenge, I decided to join in.

So, here is my first entry.

Face Plant

2011-01-04T23:03:00.001-06:00

This is sadly how I feel about many of my classes lately. Really good setup. Everything looks like it's working, and then they take the tests....Oy.

Life Alert

2011-01-04T22:42:00.002-06:00

While Albert Haynesworth is totally worthless, this is also how I feel about my staff meeting today.

We gathered, as we always do, in the auditorium of my building. Unsure of what we would be discussing, we waited, graded, and talked to each other. This would be the last moment of positivity for me.

We had five kids who graduated last year speak to the staff about how the International Baccalaureate program made their lives better and college easier. While it was great to hear they're saving money and are ahead in classes, the problem was in the delivery.

1. It felt like a giant commercial. "Here's why IB is great. We should all love it." All it was missing was white tigers and fireworks.
2. What about the teachers who don't have IB? Are we to feel horrible because our students aren't doing the same thing?
3. One of the students completely ripped AP (Advanced Placement). I understand that my school no longer teaches AP, but it was uncalled for, and angered me as I had done some AP classes. Her words ("AP is useless compared to IB") were born of ignorance, but she was praised as though her words were gospel.

The rest of the meeting was a midyear check up that ended with us being told to buck up and chill out from our stress. In all, it felt like the Haynesworth gif above:

Tons of promise that ended with nothing more than disappointment.

Namaste.

Broken Wings

2011-01-02T17:27:00.004-06:00

This is my son's reaction after finding out our plane was delayed...again. (Note the sweet Hartford Whalers hat.)

Resolute

2011-01-02T17:01:00.004-06:00

Hello there, dear reader.

Happy New Year.

I'm going to try and write more this year. That was the first resolution I made. I love writing, but it has been hard trying to find time with two children and my career. That will change.

The second resolution, however, will seem strange when compared to most resolutions made:

I'm going to be more selfish.

You aren't reading that wrong. I'm going to be more about myself and less about other people.

Now this leads to the question a few people have already asked me: "Why? That's horrible."

I have worked very hard for other people the last few years, and, honestly, I have been burned a great deal for it. People I have considered friends have taken my good faith and left. Others that I have moved Heaven and Earth for never said, "Thank you," or showed gratuity. As one of my neighbors put it: "People use you, and you let them."

Well, I resolve to not let that happen anymore. I'm tired of people using me. I'm tired of people telling me that my feelings don't matter. If it means that I'm alone, then so be it.

At this point, other than family, there are only two people I will go above and beyond my means for. Those two know who they are because I consider one family and the other my best friend. Everyone else just has to hope I'm in a good mood and not busy.

I hope, dear reader, that you have a fantastic 2011.

Namaste.

George Lucas's First Failure

2010-12-06T22:52:00.002-06:00

The Star Wars Holiday Special.
Campy, horrible, and just plain ugly.

Enjoy.

Brilliant Marketing

2010-11-12T23:24:00.002-06:00

Showing that people are really idiots when drunk, a young woman who happens to be a Boston Bruins fans kicks in a column in the bathroom (seen here).

Now regardless of the fact that my mind slightly melts at the fact that they would upload a video with their faces which is them performing vandalism on public property, the Boston Bruins really impressed me.

You see, they have this bear (known as The Bear) who gives the rules of right and wrong for hockey fans.

The Bear posted his response to these women today.

Absolutely brilliant. It also makes me want to go and look at other Bear videos (I did).

Keep up the good work, Bear. And defend that Garden. And that's coming from a Rangers fan....

Namaste.

Have We Met?

2010-10-10T23:12:00.002-05:00

Hi.

So, dear reader (and at this point I'm assuming there's only one left), I've been writing for five years now.

And I'm not sure what to write about now. See this is what's happening in my head:

Hey, you could write about work .

No, I can't. See, I'm a teacher, and while there would be wonderful stories about the frustrations of the job, the kids, and more, the issue is that my colleagues would get wind of it, read it, and then come after me. It's happened before...so, while I would love to vent, I can't.

Ok, how about your life?

In truth, my life isn't that interesting anymore. When I started this blog, I was looking to use the things that had happened in my life as a way of creating moralistic stories (hence the title). I did a great deal of stupid stuff and there was fallout. The problem is that I have become just another person. I'm married, have kids, and work. As such, I don't go out and do crazy stuff anymore. I can't. I need to be a better role model for my kids. Which is ironic as I suck as a human being, but that's only what two bosses, a few exs, and some other people have told me.

So what do you want to write about now?

Well that’s the issue, isn’t it? I’m not sure. I don’t want to be one of those bloggers who just writes about his kids, and I can’t write about work (even though people would love to hear about how crazy I, the kids, and my colleagues are).

I’ve been thinking about micro-fiction, but Michele did that really well and I feel like I’d just be copying. Seriously, go read her stuff. She’s really good. I’ll wait….See? Awesome.

I want to keep writing, so I’m not sure yet what it will be, but the blog will be here until Blogspot starts removing people it doesn’t like, and I am tossed aside.

Anyway, dear reader, there you go. That’s what’s been happening. I’ll try to get better as I was (for some reason) Blogger’s blog of note for a day. I’ll need to try and live up to that.

Namaste.

Winds of Change

2010-10-10T22:10:00.003-05:00

It was a gorgeous day today, and Little Leab (as opposed to Leab 2.0) had a birthday party to attend. This is the neighbor's tree saying, "Hello," as we headed out.

Fall is most definitely here. Isn't it wonderful?

Toes on the Edge

2010-09-06T21:56:00.003-05:00

This is always how I feel right before school starts. This year will be interesting. I have a full Freshman schedule and a student teacher. The issue won't be the material; it will be if my brain explodes or withers from the possible boredom of teaching the same thing all day.

However, I am grateful to have a job. So, with toes on the edge, I will leap off.

Good luck on 2010-2011, my fellow teachers.

My Hero

2010-09-06T14:47:00.002-05:00

In many ways, he is.

Safe

2010-08-16T16:35:00.002-05:00

Quick, what store in downtown Minneapolis has a bank vault in the back? A random bank vault, which has nothing to do with the store itself?

Modern Playtime

2010-07-29T22:06:00.004-05:00

I'm an adult...and this is how I play now. You can say it...NERD!

2814

2010-07-24T15:48:00.002-05:00

Quietly protecting my daughter from intergalactic bad guys while she sleeps.

A Little Cooking Insight

2010-07-20T23:13:00.002-05:00

The lovely Sopheava has started a new cooking site for those of us who need a little...help.

Not everyone is a master chef, so it's always nice to hear stories from others who like to cook.

No, I'm not just mentioning the site because I just happen to be a contributor as well. There are many folks who have some wonderful ideas on there.

Go and enjoy.

Namaste.

Watch Your Step Out There

2010-07-19T23:37:00.003-05:00

Originally uploaded by alecks(zander)kwin

Because you just might step on a Squirtle or a Bulbasaur.

How great would this be to stumble across. Pokemon out in the real world.

Peek-a-boo

2010-07-18T22:24:00.002-05:00

While the storm was hellacious, the only real damage was to my neighbor's roof. This is the edge of one of the branches sitting on their roof after breaking off their tree and falling down.

Close Them Up?

2010-07-17T17:32:00.001-05:00

http://www.nydailynews.com/news/national/2010/07/17/2010-07-17_arizona_gov_jan_brewers_immigration_law_copied_by_five_states_mi_sc_mn_pa_ri.html

As a person living in Minnesota, a state that prides itself as more progressive than most, this is quite shocking to me.

I will wait to reserve judgement until more is said...but still....

Old Guard

2010-07-16T22:28:00.002-05:00

Can Someone Please Explain Inception to Me? | The New York Observer

Look, I can make this really easy.

My mother used to say, "If you don't understand what's going on, don't comment on it."

She used to say that to my father all the time. Rex Reed needs to heed this advice. If you don't understand or like the film, that's fine, but to critique a film not based on the artistic aspects but instead say, "I don't understand the movie, therefore it is bad," is lazy.

This is almost as ill-conceived a commentary as Roger Ebert's piece on video games.

However, both of these men show something important about the 21st century: Critics are no longer really necessary or appreciated. There was a time when Roger Ebert's words on a film could make it or break it. A time when Rex Reed was the authority on film. A time when we really cared what Owen Gleiberman had to say about a film.

Now, however, the in-depth ideas of the artistic cinema are dead to the audience. The modern audience wants the Facebook status or Tweet about the film. Instead of an in-depth look at how Eclipse makes the world look fresh and new as though Lewis and Clark had just discovered it (thanks, Roger Ebert), the people who go to the movie theatre want:

Film is worth the time, RPatz hot, TLaut hotter!

If you ask the main theatre going audience with money (the 18-34 year olds), they don't read the lengthy reviews anymore. No, they look and see what their friends say. Just recently one of the recent grads of the high school I work at said this about Despicable Me:
"Awesome. Minions are so cute. "It's so fluffy!" Go see this now."
I saw this and thought, "What kind of review is that?" Yet, several people went to see the film solely based upon what she said.

Soon all reviews of video games, films, books, etc will have to be able to fit into 140 characters. It saddens me to see that all of the wonders of the world now have to be boiled down to quick snippets, but it also means that everyone truly will become a critic.

And if you don't like what I'm saying here...write about it...politely.

Namaste.

God Don't Smite the Nerds, Foo!

2010-07-15T18:45:00.002-05:00

Via

Yeah...no. God loves nerds.

Without nerds, geeks, and dweebs, who would pray to God?

Without nerds, who would come up with all of those stories based upon the story of Jesus (here's a hint: Superman is a Jesus figure...sssshhhhhh).

Come on. Get working on real issues. You know like ruining military funerals and hating all gay people for being happy.

Namaste.

The Little Things (Leab and 2.0)

2010-07-15T16:40:00.002-05:00

You can have the worst day in the world, but if you remember the whimsy of childhood and what makes things fun... it no longer matters.

My children have great senses of humor which makes my life that much easier.

Namaste.

The Boss Is Out

2010-07-14T13:37:00.000-05:00

George Steinbrenner died today, and even though I am a Mets fan, I actually found Steinbrenner fascinating (and a major part of New York culture). Yes, this is a man who created the free agency issues of today (so if you're a Pirates fan...you hate him), who tried to convince the city that a new Yankees ballpark at Ground Zero would be best of the city, and who didn't like Dave Winfield so much that he hired a guy to smear him...and got banned from baseball for life (or three years), but he did do good things as well.

He created a way of life for the New York Yankees. They had to dress well and look professional. This meant no long hair or beards. He brought them back from the brink of nothingness after they had been so great.

Yes, he was a tough son-of-a-gun, but he also wanted to win...and to win, you have to be tough.

No one really remembers, however, that Steinbrenner had a sense of humor and pretty good heart.

For example, he kept bringing Billy Martin back. Yes, he fired him, but he kept him on the payroll and kept bringing him back. And you could tell they had somewhat of a fondness for each other as was evident from this commercial:

And this extended to other players as well. If you listen to the different pundits out there, you'll hear about how Steinbrenner kept fired staff members on payroll. You'll hear how he helped out kids in Tampa who needed help going to school or needed lights for their baseball fields. This leads to my George Steinbrenner story. Mind you, much of this was relayed to me by my parents.

In the summer of 1986 (the year the New York Mets won the World Series), my parents had setup a house in a small town in Northwestern Connecticut. The town sold raffle tickets to certain items to raise money (sort of like how many Minnesota towns sell pull-tabs to pay for things like Whiz Bang or Duk Duk Days). I, being a charming and precocious child, was drafted to sell said tickets at a carnival held near the Congregational Church. With a sandwich board and a reel of tickets, I set out to charm as many of the people as I could. There was also a prize for the top seller ( I don't remember what it was, and I didn't win as I didn't have a bajillion family members to sell my tickets to like the other kids).

I was focused, and I wanted to win. I spied a group of older men who all looked to have money and figured I could get them to buy from me...but I wasn't sure who they were. I found my mother and asked her to tell me quickly. "That balding man," she told me, "is Mayor Ed Koch. I'm not sure who's with him."

So, I marched up to Mayor Ed Koch in the circle of these men and said, "You are Mayor Ed Koch, and I am Marcus Leab, and YOU are going to buy some raffle tickets from me." The Mayor of New York looked amused. Here was a kid telling the mayor of the greatest city on Earth what to do. And to his credit, Mayor Koch bought ten dollars worth of raffle tickets off of me. Once our transaction was completed, I started working on the rest of the men in his circle. Almost everyone said no, but I started talking to they guy closest to me.

"Please," I said, "do it for this town. There's so much history here...."
"Sorry, kid, but that's a nice try," he responded.
"But did you see Mayor Koch? He bought some."
This would continue for another minute before Mayor Koch would turn to the man and say:
"Come on, George. Help the kid out. Maybe he's a Yankees fan."
At that, George Steinbrenner turned to me and said, "Kid, what's your name?"
"Marcus," I said.
"Well, Marcus, you're quite good at this," he said. "If you stay out of trouble, you might have a future as a salesman. I'll match the Mayor's purchase and take ten."
I started to pull the tickets off the reel for him. Then he said, "I'll tell you what. Give me ten more than the mayor." Then he smiled.
As he and the Mayor walked off, Mayor Koch said, "See George...I told you you had a heart."

I sold George Steinbrenner those twenty tickets. He never complained, and he was never rude to me (unlike Dick Ebersol, who told me not only to go away, but called me a parasite...but that's another story). He didn't have to buy those tickets, but he did because he wanted to help a kid out.

Of course, as good of a guy as he was, he was shrewd. Steinbrenner is probably up in Heaven now trying to replace God. Then he'll install Thurmon Munson as head angel, force Jesus to get a haircut ("No long-haired hippies on my team," he'll say), and then trade Billy Martin to Hell for Adolph Hitler and a soul to be named later. When asked why Hitler, Steinbrenner will say, "Because I needed a leader...regardless of his past."

Namaste.

Any Way the Wind Blows

2010-07-13T23:51:00.000-05:00

Diving horses anyone?

Where Do Muppets Come From?

2010-07-13T22:21:00.002-05:00

In case you thought Muppets...you know...do it.

Twi-night

2010-07-12T16:03:00.001-05:00

Fun never looked so...empty.

Eduardo's Insight

2010-07-11T02:01:00.001-05:00

"Ten years, "he muttered as he threw the switch. The lights near the tiny helicopters flashed red as the machine roared to life. Eduardo began the speech he had learned from his cousin and had said so many times over many summers.

"Hands are to be kept in at all times, wait until the ride comes to a complete stop to get out, and please, kids, don't puke on the ride. Now have FUN!"

With that, his hands moved over the controls as they had done thousands of times before and clicked the buttons. Laughter, screams, and gasps were his currency...along with the tickets the children gave him, and sure enough the little girl in front of him gasped loudly as the helicopters began to spin. As the helicopters made their second spin, he stepped away from the controls to high five a boy in a baseball cap. "You flyin', brother," he told the boy, who squealed with delight. They loved his smile.

He had been ten when his cousin Luis had shown Eduardo how to run the machine. It didn't interest him. He wanted to be something. His aunt and uncle had dragged him around the United States following what they called, "The Carnival Circuit." He hadn't understood this until he was an adult, but the life of a carnival worker depended upon people to play your games or get on your rides. Most workers bought their rides and then drove from place to place to setup and take people's money. Sure, the guys who owned the games made more money from the idiot high school kids desperate to win their sweethearts a stuffed animal. So desperate were these kids that they would spend upwards of $50 for a $10 stuffed animal. There were also the drunks and macho guys who were sure they could best the "carnies" at their own game. But the rides...the rides made money because more of the little ones showed up to the carnival. And Eduardo had seen: the parents wanted their kids out of their hair for a few minutes and wanted them quiet. Town to town, state to state, it didn't matter. Parents in Las Cruces, New Mexico were the exact same as parents in Keene, New Hampshire. They paid for their tickets, and many times they overpaid.

Still, he wasn't interested. He saw how the road destroyed his aunt and uncle. He experienced the lean months with them. No, Eduardo wanted more. He wanted to be a lawyer, or a doctor, or whatever job the good looking people at his fairs had. They looked so happy with their cotton candy watching their kids spin around on the metal frames. Not like him or his family. Luis, however, was insistent. "Life," Luis used to say to him, "Can by funny. I thought I'd be a Detroit Tiger. My knee decided I wouldn't be. So here I am. It's always good to learn something."

So he learned from Luis. He learned how to run the machine ("It's just hitting some buttons and watching for problems," Luis told him.), how to fix it, he learned how to "bark" at people to come to his ride. "It's in the voice and look," Luis would say to him with a grin. "The people love a smile and quick saying. Make the ride look good for the kids...and the people will come."

Luis was right. The first time Eduardo did it, he was 13. Having spent so much time in the sun and packing and unpacking the rides, he looked older. He had some muscles on his wiry frame and could flash a smile that made the parents look at him. The girls too. And that first year WAS fun. The money wasn't bad either, but this was not the career he wanted.

How could he know that the lack of school and ambition as a kid would mean he was going to be a carnie forever? He tried. As a 19 year old he wanted to go to college. He wanted to become anything else but a ride operator. A cop, a cook, even a janitor. As long as it meant that he didn't have to be on the road anymore, he'd do it. So he signed up to learn how to be a chef, but there was so much to remember...and he couldn't always buy the necessary tools. (Thank God the women in his class loved his smile.) When that didn't work, he tried to apprentice his uncle Julio who was a plumber. The problem was he spent most of his time just waiting, or holding tools.

He was now 21 and had no idea what he could do other than run the machines. He gave in, took all of the money he had saved in his life, and bought the helicopter ride from his cousin.

"Ten years," he said to no one in particular as he slowed the spinning down and went to help the kids. As the happy riders moved past him to the exit, they didn't notice his slumped shoulders as he checked the doors. Nor did the notice his eyes starting to fill with water. He sucked in a hard breath.

"Who's next?"

Idle Hands

2010-07-10T13:22:00.001-05:00

Quick work of passing fancies.

Threads

2010-07-09T13:38:00.001-05:00

Alone, each piece is useless, but together, it saves my life.

Ramblings for the Evening (7/8/2010)

2010-07-08T22:36:00.000-05:00

Haven't done this in a while.
So, without further ado: Together!

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LeBron Feels the Heat:

I'll be honest about this even though I'm a Knick fan (or used to be before the NBA changed into no fun):

I'm really not surprised, and I really don't care.

Look, this is a great thing for the NBA. It's making people (yup, even me) talk about it. Now, you have a super team that people are either going to REALLY cheer hard for...or REALLY hate. This will generate buzz for a league that is in serious denial about the trouble it's facing. It also shows a couple of interesting things.

1. Months ago, a sports pundit (can't remember who) mentioned that these three guys might meet to discuss what to do. They were all drafted in the same year (2003) and all three talked about how much they wanted to play together (which they did during the Beijing Olympics).
So here's your conspiracy theory. All three of these guys used this time brilliantly to build publicity to create a super team that will be talked about. The media, needing a story for the 24/7 news cycle ate it all up. Hell, ESPN aired a one hour special that will make LeBron a ton of money (it's his advertisements) and ESPN will get the ratings.

2. This proves that the players, not the owners, dictate the league. These players are getting tons of money and the owners can't tell them no, or they will lose their fan base and then lose money. Years ago people were outraged that Alex Rodriguez was given a contract to pay him close to 25 million dollars a season, but no one bats an eye (no pun intended) at an NBA player getting 20 million a year? As long as your team wins, who cares? Now pay your $60 for the upper level ticket, your $9 for a beer, and shut up... of course the owners are fine for now because....

3. The NBA is in trouble. The collective bargaining agreement is almost up and the owners are being crushed by the amount of money they have to pay, so the league will probably be locked out. The economic troubles of the times are going to mean trouble for the owners, so things will need to change. Lowering the salary cap and such, will do that.

4. And poor Cleveland. You go back to being a city of nothing. You have a terrible football, terrible baseball, and, now again, a terrible basketball team. This is going to hurt for awhile. And LeBron's leaving is also going to really hurt the economy of Ohio.

In the end the story will die now. LeBron, D-Wade, and Bosh will go on and dominate the Eastern Conference (with a team of 5 guys, because that's all they can afford), and that's fine. They will have fun and enjoy the ride...until they lose to Kobe and the Lakers....

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Thom Pham on the Lam:

Ok, so Azia is closing, and he's opening a new restaurant in downtown. (See here) Why are people surprised by this? Azia is fine, but it's now in a bad location. If he opens a restaurant that can bring in even an 1/8 of the Twins fans during every game, he's going to make a good amount of money.

I used to work with a guy who became a restaurateur. I told him I was heading to the Heart Walk at the Twins stadium and he started talking to me about how he wished he had enough money to open a restaurant.

"Why?" I asked.
"Can you imagine the money?" He replied. "You get a ton of people in during the season and that can last until September. You also get people in who can't get into the games. Then, if you've done the job right and make good food...they keep coming back during the offseason."
"Ok," I said, "but what if you're food is bad? What if you don't get them in?"
"That's the risk you take."

So Pham is taking that risk. Maybe it is because he has money issues. Or maybe it's because he recognizes that he can get more people right there in a more central area. Either way, you should be surprised.

And finally...

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Shirts Up:

I've talked about this before, and I'll say it again: There are no really cool shirts for young girls out there.

For example:

Here's a girl's shirt. Ok, it's ponies, which girls like (apparently), but has a twist that seems almost insulting.

Same store, but here's a boy's shirt.

Why can't girls have shirts that are cool but don't have to deal with ponies and shoes and shopping?

I just don't understand. Here I was at Target the other day looking for a t-shirt for my daughter. I look over at the boys and there's a Beatles shirt, a Grateful Dead shirt, and a Paul Frank Monkey shirt. Glancing to my left, I see the girls' shirts. There's a super glittery shirt that reads, "It's all about ME," with the "ME" in big pink glittery letters. Next to that was a shirt with an ice cream cone. Why can't my daughter have a Grateful Dead shirt without me having to buy her a boy's shirt? It's frustrating.

Look, I get that boys are supposed to have the Star Wars and Batman shirts, but do girls really only get Wonder Woman on a rainbow? And the problem is if I buy her a Junk Food t-shirt (which are the cool shirts that aren't super girly), I'm paying about $30 for a shirt that will last only a few months.

It may make her be considered a nerd (and that's not necessarily a bad thing), but I bought my daughter a Boba Fett shirt. Yes I did. She'll be able to wear it soon, and I'm excited.

Of course what do I know? My daughter wears a sundress when her mother dresses her, and she wears Batman when I do.... I could be wrong.

Namaste.

Dairy Air

2010-07-07T08:29:00.002-05:00

I need to go back to my Flickr account.

There was something so sad in this cow's eyes. I could almost imagine the conversation we could have.

Ironic Teachings: Hello there!
Cow: Moo!

Damn. That was boring. Let's try using the patent (pending) IT cow translator.

IT: Hello there!
C (sounding like Snuffalufagus, but drunk): Hello.
IT: How are you?
C: It's hot and humid, buddy. And everyone who comes along just looks at me and attempts to low like me. It's kind of annoying. I mean how would you feel if every cow passed you and yelled 'Hey!' at you?"
IT: I'd be glad someone cared? Besides, you look li
C: Fuck you! You would not. You'd be all, 'Why is that cow yelling at me? What did I do to it?' And of course you people only think about eating me and turning me into shoes...
IT: I don't.
C: Suuuuuure. Whatever. But I wouldn't make a good steak, pal. I mean you can see my ribs. Is that the kind of animal you want to eat? One that has been sitting out in the hot sun so fools like you can come along and take pictures of me? Huh?!
IT: Well I can't pet you...and I can't feed you...and my daughter loves you. I think she wants to take you home more than a dog. She hates those chickens over there...but that's because the one rooster tried to eat her finger. It was adorable watching her contemplate the evil act the chicken did.... C: Hey, hey, HEY! This is about me here, dude. I'm just saying...where's my love?
IT: What do you want from me? I took your picture because I find you captivating. What else can I do?
C: Besides letting the world know about the plight of cows and our desire to be seen as more than just food and belts? Can I have that Coke you're drinking?
IT: ...No. You're a cow. Cow's don't drink Coke.
C: How the fuck do you know?
IT: You swear a lot for a cow.
C: I'm angry. It's like 95 degrees and really humid, and I'm mostly black. So of course I absorb so much more heat than you do. I'm allowed to swear.
IT: True, but you have less fur and black on you than a black bear...that's something.
C: I hate you right now. If I could get you in this fence, I would kick your ass from here to Des Moines.
IT: You know we're in Kansas, right?
C: What?! When did they move me...oh my G..yes I know I'm in Kansas. I'm a cow, not a sheep, idiot.
IT: Ok, my kids are running away to go look at the steam tractor. Have to go. Good luck with the heat, and I hope you aren't bought by McDonalds.
C: You're a jerk, but I like you. Thanks for letting me swear at you. I'm going to just lay here with these flies for a while. Don't go...aw....

An Ironic Thought (7/6/2010)

2010-07-06T15:18:00.000-05:00

I was reading the beginnings of my blog the other night and came across some interesting comments from one Jason DeRusha. Now, Mr. DeRusha, though he might deny it, once upon a time read my blog. This is because, when Rex started MNSpeak, Jason and I were neighboring blogs. On Thursday, September 15th, 2005, I made a comment that Jason had left a comment on my blog, and felt important.

The following is his response:

"1. You guys think I'm a local celeb? D-list at best.

2. You guys think I have an intern? I wish."

Now, go to Jason's WCCO blog page. Here, I'll help you.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen...after 5 years (and I know it was well before this too), Jason does indeed have an intern.

As for being a D-list celebrity. Well let's start here: Singing at a Twins Game.

Then there's the monthly article...Seen here.

And I could go on and on.

Hey, I like this guy...even though I've never met him. I tried once, but he ran away at warp speed from the dude yelling his name. And if not for him, I never would have had the opportunity to meet Katie Couric and watch Matt get his pen taken away...among other things.

I don't think he reads my blog anymore, and that's ok. He's moved beyond it (as most have, dear reader), but I'm glad that for a little while, he and I were e-neighbors...and that I could prove that his comments made on my blog would ironically come back to bite him.

You have to love the interwebs.

So thanks, Jason.

Namaste.

Stung

2010-07-05T23:10:00.000-05:00

On June 21st, I was lucky enough to go see Sting with the Royal Philharmonic Orchestra at the Xcel Energy Center.

I had never seen Gordon Sumner (Sting's real name) before, but I was told the concerts he puts on are quite fun.

This one was...and wasn't. It's not that the show was bad, but it just felt...off.

Upon entering the XEC, the entire arena was filled with smoke. Not, "Help, help! There's a fire smoke," but, "Obviously set up to create ambiance through lighting later," smoke. While not overly problematic, it did make looking around and just sitting a little difficult.

The first thing that really struck me, however, was that I was twenty years younger than almost all the audience members. It was all silver hair (or no hair for that matter). Stuck in-between pentagenerians was the occasional teenager. None looked excited. It would turn out a teenager was sitting three seats from me as I sat on the aisle of row 6 in the left section. When I asked him why he was there to watch the show, he replied, "My mom made me. I have to..." and he paused and looked at this woman standing near us in a sundress that could almost barely stand. Then he said, "I have to watch her." It would turn out that he most definitely had to, as she would later try to get close to Sting.

I read in the Star Tribune that maybe 6,000 people showed up, and I believe that number to be fairly low. While there were empty seats (and the show did start late as they really wanted people sitting), there was closer to 10,000 people there. I used to be a season ticket holder for the Minnesota Wild and have seen the XEC sold out. It was not that packed, but the floor was full, the lower bowl was mostly full, and the club level was almost completely full. Of course it's true, from what I was told, The Police concert was almost as full as a Wild game. Still, this wasn't a bad audience...for the most part.

After starting late, the audience was treated to Philharmonic orchestra coming out on stage and beginning the show with Steven Mercurio firing up the "band" before Sting himself walked out on stage. And it was his beginning with "If I Ever Lose My Faith in You," that made me realize: This man is old. He's 58, and though he looks good, he doesn't have the same sound as 15-20 years ago. I listened to Ten Summoner's Tails when I was in high school, and Mr. Sumner could WAIL on the chorus of that song. He sounded strained that night at the X. He also didn't move. Understand, this is a man who came out half naked in David Lynch's version of Dune and slithered like a snake. Beyond that, he just oozed appeal from his movements. During this show, Sting spent his time at the microphone with a tambourine on a stand for him to hit to follow the beat. It made him look (no pun intended) fragile.

The lack of backup dancers and Sting's movement, however, was made up for by Mercurio who conducted with such passion, that he was like a backup dancer moving around the orchestra (so to speak) to get the best performance.

Where I was really bothered, however, was not in the fact that Sting has grown older (that's a given for anyone), nor was I bothered by the set list (more on that later), nor did security bother me (as they chose certain people to take away their recording devices, but not all). No, my issue, as a theatre geek of sorts, was the set, sound, and lighting most of the time. When I was in college, my lighting instructor told me that I tended to light shows like concerts. This meant I had a knack for moving lights and knowing when to light the speaker (or singer). Thus, I was incredibly frustrated that Sting began almost every verse...in the dark. He'd sing and get into the verse only to have the light pop on about three or four seconds too late. It was frustrating to me. I can only imagine what the Stage Manager thought.

Beyond the lighting, the mix wasn't the best (maybe it was because I was close), so that Sting's voice was occasionally drowned out by the orchestra. During one of my favorite songs, "A Thousand Years", there were times when the musicians completely overpowered Sting's voice so that he was below the strings.

And the set.

I don't quiet understand the panels. There were three giant panels that were raised and lowered throughout the show. It felt kind of pointless at first, though toward the end of the first set they did show Sting being soulful (see above), and some art pieces (some of which were horrible...like during "Tomorrow We'll See"...a Freaking out Lucha Libre is not what I see during that song).

And yet there some beautiful numbers on the set list.

During the first set, we were given:

Here is what Sting played with strings:

"If I Ever Lose My Faith in You"
"Englishman in New York"
"Every Little Thing She Does Is Magic"
"Roxanne"
"Straight to My Heart"
"When We Dance"
"Russians"
"I Hung My Head"
"Shape of My Heart"
"Why Should I Cry"
"Whenever I Say Your Name"
"Fields of Gold"
"Next to You"

I've never really been a fan of "Fields of Gold", and here it was played as saccharine sentimentality to the point of being hard to hear. We had to have a history lesson for the youngins' in the audience to understand the song "Russians" (and still had a teenager near me say, "Who is Reagan?"). I've also personally never been a fan of "I Hung My Head", but many people near me really liked this take on it. "Englishman in New York" found Sting obviously annoyed with the audience as he kept trying to get them to sing with him and the lack of participation was obviously annoying him.

During his explanations between songs, Sting was unfortunately heckled by a fan who yelled (not kidding), "Freebird!" Like a good showman, the former Police singer stopped, looked at the man, and said, "No, sir, I didn't write that one...and I remember my first joint too." Unfortunately, that man would yell, "Freebird," again later.

It was at this point I was surprised that the band and Sting took a twenty minute break...an intermission. Maybe they knew their audience. However, they returned early. It was as if Mr. Sumner wanted to get the heck out of dodge.

Returning five minutes early, they played:

"A Thousand Years"
"Tomorrow We’ll See"
"Moon over Bourbon Street"
"The End of the Game"
"My Ain True Love"
"All Would Envy"
"Mad About You"
"King of Pain"
"Every Little Breath You Take"

"King of Pain" is always an enjoyable song, and he made it even more fun with the orchestra behind him. While Jo Lewis is a beautiful woman (who has nailed the back up singer sway) and quite talented, she's no Alison Krauss. This was seen when she sang "My Ain True Love" with Sting and most of the audience members around me said, "Better with Alison Krauss," out loud.
Where Sting almost lost me was when he turned "Moon over Bourbon Street" from an incredibly lovely jazz tune into a strange horror piece, complete with pointless costume change and a theremin solo. While I applaud Sting for trying something new, the theremin proved to be annoying, and to play it while clips from Max Shreck's version of Nosferatu played on the panels made it feel as though Sting was playing to the Twilight crowd. In my book, it didn't work. It's a jazz number...period.

There were four encores:
"Desert Rose"
"She’s Too Good for Me"
"Fragile"
"I Was Brought to My Senses"

I know the Star Tribune marked it as being only two encores, but the fact that the band and Sting kept leaving the stage and then returning (to me) means four encores, not two. "Desert Rose" was done well, but Sting should not do the opening. "She's too Good for Me" was also well done. However, the highlight of the encore was the actual opening where Sting returned to stage with an iPod on and began singing "Freebird." I managed to shoot this part of the show....

Of course he also sang "Fragile", which was pretty but again had strange visuals. Finally, after long coaxing from an audience that didn't want 1984 to end, Sting returned one more time to sing the opening lines to "I Was Brought to my Senses." While pretty, it almost felt like he was doing it as a quick means to keep traffic clear while he and the orchestra shot out of town in their buses.

It was a nice concert. Probably not as rocking as Tom Petty, who rolled in the next night, but enjoyable. However, it demonstrated that rockers and musicians do in fact change as they get older. Even James Taylor can't sing "Steamroller" like he used to, and Sting is no exception. His voice has changed. I was also sad that he didn't have his Lute with him as "Until" is one of my favorite songs, but I digress.

Yes, it was enjoyable, but different from what I expected. As the tour continues on, I would merely ask those lighting cues be fixed. Do that, and the show will be much better.

Namaste.

Jesus says, "Rubber!"

2010-06-27T22:49:00.002-05:00

This would be awesome to see.

I am a fan of Patrick Boivin. He seems to have reinvented some great stop motion work. Yes, "Iron Baby" is adorable, but he has some other ones that are even more fun. Beyond the Pope vs. Jesus above, check out this one:

Evolution of Dance...with Optimus Prime.

And of course, because you might not be able to sleep (like me) and need a game, so here's B-Boy Joker....

He has lots of other really interesting, nerdy, and hilarious stuff. Go and enjoy.

W00tstock 2.3

2010-06-18T09:57:00.002-05:00

So I mentioned a while ago that I had the pleasure of sitting through the five hour show on the 7th.

Now, thanks to the Creative Commons by-nc-sa 3.0 license (and grnbrgb's channel on Youtube), you can too.

Here is the opening of the show and luckily it's in chronological order. (How about that?)

Here is my favorite segment of the night:
MST3K on Mr. Bungle.

Enjoy.

Rare Moments

2010-06-09T21:26:00.001-05:00

Managed to get Sopheava to let me take a picture of her. This is after we did the official nerd fistbump at W00tstock.

Peeking Sun

2010-06-09T00:24:00.002-05:00

I had the opportunity to go to W00tstock on Monday thanks to Margaret

W00tstock itself will be the subject of another post, however.

While we were waiting for the show to begin, she snuck me up to a little secret place in the Guthrie where we could look out into the city.

Like fools we left our "real" cameras in our transportation because we were afraid pictures weren't allowed (turns out they were if credit was given), so my subpar cell phone camera will have to do.

Enjoy the beautiful skyline.

Namaste.

Preparing for "The End"

2010-05-22T11:02:00.002-05:00

I'm not the biggest fan of TV, but I really like the television show Lost.

As the final episode of the show prepares to air on Sunday, here are some primers for people who know the show.

Learning Lost:
In case you have no idea who the characters are or have forgotten. Note: this site contains spoilers galore, so only click through if you've been watching the show.

Muppets take on Lost

Wired's explanation of Lost
Everything you wanted to know...within reason.

And here you can see how much they like being a part of the show:

Suffice to say, it's a show that maintained interesting philosophies while also being easily accessible.

The Broken System

2010-05-11T21:54:00.004-05:00

I'm fascinated by this, but I also hope they present all sides. Schools that are underfunded while others are money wasters; teachers that don't care while others work too hard, and students who don't care, while others are ignored.

Oils Well that Ends Well

2010-05-11T16:36:00.002-05:00

So you get an understanding of how bad this spill is.

via Information is Beautiful

Darth Driver?

2010-05-05T22:14:00.000-05:00

The nerd part of me really wants to get this....

Saving the Day

2010-05-03T22:49:00.001-05:00

There are real superheroes.

Don't believe me? Then check out Electron Boy.

Tender

2010-05-03T22:34:00.000-05:00

The quiet markings of love

Slacking

2010-05-03T22:29:00.002-05:00

Dear Blog,

Hi. I miss you a great deal, and I really want to write more, but I have been swamped by life and work lately.

On the life front, my daughter turned one, and my soon-to-be-four son is slightly sociopathic. As such, attention is slightly diverted. Beyond that, I am trying not to get overwhelmed by the never ending Honey-Do lists my wife gives me.

It is work, however, that absorbs most of my time. My students are slackers, not unlike me with you, dear blog. They choose to do the minimum amount of work and want the maximum amount of credit for it...which saddens me to no end. The very fact that I had a student ask me how old Malcolm X is now shows me that they are not getting the knowledge they need.

So I trudge through realizing that for the first time in my short career...I want summer to come. I want the children to go away and leave me in the peace that is my family and freedom.

I'm sorry, dear blog, that I have been neglecting you. I will attempt to get better.

Sincerely,

Ironic.

Dr. Horrible...8-bit.

2010-04-07T21:47:00.001-05:00

If only Nintendo had this when I was a young lad...sigh.

Enjoy.

Claymation Hits

2010-03-30T13:53:00.001-05:00

Evil Dead done in 60 seconds with CLAY - 2010 from Lee Hardcastle on Vimeo.

Awesome. Nice work, Mr. Hardcastle.

Scott Pilgrim

2010-03-25T20:44:00.001-05:00

If you've ever read this comic, then you know why this is very exciting. Finally Michael Cera plays a sort of bad ass.

Just Can't Win (Click on it to learn why)

2010-03-21T21:59:00.001-05:00

Ghost of SNL Past

2010-03-03T20:04:00.000-06:00

Funny or Die's Presidential Reunion from Will Ferrell

Muholland Endor

2010-02-11T21:48:00.001-06:00

Oh what could have been....

Dry Dock

2010-01-31T16:18:00.003-06:00

As I prepare for the start of the second semester of my high school, I feel a great deal like the guy in the boat.

As of today, I'm really not sure if I will be voted to or even be allowed to speak at this year's graduation, but I do know that my speech is going to be about not accepting the mediocre.

I'm also curious about this news story about how everyone being connected and online makes the young folks smarter than the older generations. Of course that depends on what the definition of "smart" is. If they are saying that being able to navigate an iPod makes you smart, then, yes, my son is smarter than my father. However, if it is being able to take the knowledge and apply it, then most of the students I work with are severely behind their peers.

Here is an article that covers some of the issues I have right now about how we all need to be heard.

I seem to be rambling. Maybe it's time to bring that back...and for me to try and sleep. I hope to talk about some of the modern issues I'm seeing in education soon as well as some other observations. I know this blog has been sporadic as of the last year and having two kids will do that to you. I will try to post more often.

Namaste.

No, Really...Check the Punctuation

2010-01-17T17:30:00.003-06:00

The SarcMark

I could probably use this in my texting and even in my posts. I just find it incredibly fascinating that out language has evolved to a point that we have to create a brand new punctuation mark so that our ideas are understood.

Will I have to add this my grammar lessons?

B is for Victory

2009-12-26T17:50:00.003-06:00

By Agan Harahap

This is the real reason why we won World War II.

More on Flickr here. Enjoy.

Namaste.

This is for Bob

2009-12-23T20:23:00.002-06:00

Here is my mandated holiday post. If you're a fan of Twin Peaks, you'll love this.

Hit-Girl

2009-12-23T16:39:00.001-06:00

God help me if I had a student like this.
God help me that I actually want to see this for some reason.

Snipes and Snails

2009-12-12T00:04:00.001-06:00

Sometimes when we go hunting out at night, we find the strangest animals....

Throw Me a Bone Here

2009-10-31T21:58:00.004-05:00

A favorite when I was child. However, I could see how in 1929 (when it came out) this could be considered scary. Enjoy "The Skeleton Dance".

Happy Halloween!

Namaste.

Shiny, Sir...Shiny.

2009-10-29T19:10:00.002-05:00

You have to love an actor who's willing to make fun of himself. Bravo, Mr. Fillion.

Oh Goody...

2009-10-16T19:20:00.003-05:00

Via

Gee, you want to guess why people are so angry?

With so many people losing money and so many people without jobs, how is it that these guys can go out and make hats for every firm, broker, and trader?

I guess we can all celebrate that they made money while we didn't.

Namaste.

Video Game Twittering

2009-10-07T20:24:00.002-05:00

If they really did this on the Wii, I might actually start a Twitter page.

There are some companies thinking about doing this for real. Make a major achievement in a game, and it will be automatically uploaded to your Twitter page. Same thing for MMORPGs. If your guild or friends go on a quest and do well, you could have the game auto-tweet so other people would know what was happening.

Of course it could also be abused and incredibly annoying. This was shown to the company who turned it off. Wise move...sort of. They just needed to tweak it to have it make sense. Don't do a "completed Chapter one" tweet. Instead, do major things. "Got a platinum trophy," or, "scored [x] points." How is that different from reading about your friends' bejeweled status on Facebook?

Twitter could be used wisely... if the companies think it through.

Cab Fight!

2009-10-05T18:19:00.002-05:00

Sometimes...I really miss the East Coast.

If the video doesn't work, here's the Link.

A Little Mad Sometimes

2009-10-01T20:19:00.002-05:00

Sesame Street does Mad Men.

Here is the Simpsons' parody.
Click here

And of course,

The original

Enjoy.

Force is Strong....

2009-09-13T12:00:00.002-05:00

via

Just try not to smile....

Soundtrack for the Evening (9/5/09)

2009-09-05T23:32:00.003-05:00

Hey Ya (cover) - Mat Weddle

Sleep to Dream Her - Dave Matthews

Mango - Sascha Funke

Island Blues - Koop

Mandeer - Asian Beets Culture

Namaste.

Breathing Hard

2009-09-04T23:46:00.001-05:00

Opening week has ended, and I am...spent.

So here is a very strange yet fun to listen to mash-up.

Blurvana

Enjoy.

Morning

2009-08-30T20:52:00.003-05:00

Streak

There's something about the light.

2009-08-23T19:00:00.004-05:00

From Spippo

How awesome are these?

You have My Little Chtulhu and My Little Fett.

This artist is awesome.

Go check her stuff out.

Click

2009-08-19T11:54:00.004-05:00

When I was in high school, I loved photography. There was something about capturing the moment.

With the birth of my children, that feeling has come back.

I'm not as good as Sopheava or her friends, but I still like the shots. Occasionally, I'll just post a photo. Always enjoy comments.

So enjoy a few.

Burn

How Children Play

How to Quit

2009-08-15T17:44:00.001-05:00

http://www.newgrounds.com/portal/view/507259

When the time comes that I leave my job, this is how I'm going to do it.

Awesome.

Prep

2009-08-13T17:31:00.003-05:00

As we get closer and closer to the beginning of the school year, this is how I feel. I think everything is ready, but I get the strong feeling that there's something I haven't thought through yet or prepared...and it's going to bowl me over at the last second.

No Easy Way

2009-08-09T07:03:00.001-05:00

This has been bothering me a great deal lately:

How do doctors learn to deliver bad news?

I know, I know. Doctors don't necessarily have to get tied to their patients. My current doctor could probably care less about me, but he has a very blunt approach in delivering news. I also know that modern doctors are taught how to deliver news, whereas the doctors of my parents would have to learn and figure out their patients. Is teaching our modern doctors how to deliver bad news a good idea? I believe the answer is no, but it is because it allows them to ignore the human element.

One of the most important aspects of life is learning how to read a person. The body language, the facial expressions, the tone of voice, and the speed of words all allow you to know what they are thinking. When a person is angry, for example, he or she will lean forward, even hunch, and will probably have closed fists. The face will be tinged red, and the words will be clipped regardless of speed. Again, it varies from person to person, but being able to read it is important.
The more you get to know a person, the more you understand them and can read them. Talking becomes less important. For example, the second my wife steps out of her car, I know how her day has gone. And yet, doctors are losing this skill.

The best doctor I ever had was Gerald Spielman. He was an old school pediatrician. Used to smoke, ate horribly, and could make me and my sisters feel better quickly. He had warmth, but also could speak in a serious tone. Dr. Spielman never had a course on how to deliver bad news, but learned how to read people and how to talk to people. Once upon a time, my mother was desperately worried that I didn't eat enough vegetables. Dr. Spielman looked at her and said, "It's ok. I hate vegetables too, and I'm old now." She was shocked, but she laughed and realized she was being silly. Why? Because of his tone and his words. Ironically, Dr. Spielman would die of a heart attack because he ate horribly and smoked. Still, he knew how to get a message across to his patients.

Since Dr. Spielman, I have not had a doctor that I trust or who gets how to deliver news. In watching them try, it's almost like they watched a video with various forms of delivery:

--------------------------------------------
The patient has an aggressive form of Cancer. There are varying ways to deliver the news. Let's watch Dr. Demonstration as he attempts to tell Patient Peter he has Colon Cancer.

I. Direct. The doctor will not attempt to console the patient at first. Much like ripping off a band-aid, the doctor will immediately get to what is ailing the patient.

"Peter, there is no easy way to say this. You have Colon Cancer. Here is what you can do now."

Do you see what the doctor did there? He told the patient the problem in a matter-of-fact manner, but made sure to include something to show his empathy. "There's no easy way," is, in fact, a simple way to show that you are upset about the news as well, but must be professional.

II. Empathetic. The doctor will attempt to show a connection to the patient, usually through touch and tone of voice. He or she should begin with an apology.

"I'm sorry, Peter. I wish the news was better." (Doctor will put hand on Peter now.) "You have Colon Cancer. I'll give you a minute to let that sink in, and then we will discuss what you can do now."

Unlike our first situation, the doctor here tried to make a human connection with touch and tone. Peter will be upset, but will also feel that his doctor cares about him.

III. Nurturing. The doctor will deliver the news and offer to console the patient.

"Peter, I'm so sorry to tell you this. You have Colon Cancer, but we can fight this. We can beat this. Is there anything I can do before we discuss what you can do now? Questions? Do you need a minute?"

Here, the doctor acts almost like a family member. As if Peter and the doctor will attack this Cancer together.
----------------------------------------------

Now, I don't believe doctors watch a video like this, but I'm curious how the classes work. Working with an actor is not the same thing as telling a parent of two he or she is going to die. And how do you prepare for all situations?

My neighbors down the street had a horrible experience a few weeks ago. After being pregnant for all nine months, (we'll call her) S started her contractions and was taken to the hospital to give birth. The baby did not survive. She came out and never cried. S and her husband H were devestated. To compound the problem, the doctor delivered the news using the first approach above. Direct, to the point, and with no...warmth.

S and H found this doctor to be unappealing in helping them deal with the situation. They were given directions on how to find a grief counselor, how to tell their almost three year old the news, and how soon to try again, but none of it was comforting. And while they have been seeing the counselor, they also have been talking to me a great deal. I'm the human element. Someone who has been through experiences and can talk to them about it without using large clinical words. The only problem for me is trying to hide the guilt I feel over having two healthy children when they do not. They have not noticed so far.

I, however, have dealt with all three types of doctors in my life. When I was in college, I was told I had Cancer by the on-campus medical staff. The joke about the nurse's office there was that everyone was either pregnant, had Cancer, or both. After my car accident, I went to the nurse's office because I was not feeling well and had a pain in my chest. They took an x-ray, and put me in a room by myself. After thirty minutes, a doctor appeared looking solemn.

"There's no easy way to tell you this," he sighed.

As a side note, I really hate when doctors say that. We know there's no easy way to tell someone they are sick. It's like trying to tell a kid that his or her mother is dead. There is no easy way to do it. That's why a class was created back in 1987 to help doctors learn how to deliver news. Yes, I get that starting with the phrase allows doctors time to formulate their words, but come on... wait outside and compose the idea before entering then. That phrase is almost a slap to the patient. Back to my point.

"There's no easy way to tell you this," he sighed, "but you have Cancer." With that, he held up the x-ray and pointed to spot on my lung. While my mind rushed to WTF speed trying to figure out how, the doctor put his hand on my shoulder and said, "This is not the end. We can fight this, and you can live a long life. Don't give up."

Now, I would go to the hospital the next day and get another x-ray with an Oncologist. When I first met him, (we'll call him) Dr. R was very much like approach II. "My wife had Cancer," he would tell me, "but she fought it back and won. There's hope." I would later find out that his wife's Cancer was skin cancer, and her "fighting back" was having it cut off. Still...points for trying.

And here is where it was fun to watch Dr. R. They did the x-ray, and it turned out there was nothing there. The first x-ray had a smudge or something on it that was regarded as Cancer. As he was told this, his face and body changed. It was like watching Dr. Jekyll turn into Mr. Hyde. He had shared with me this story only to have it turn out I was not dying. Now Dr. R used the first approach. "You're fine. Live a long life. Goodbye, sir," and he headed out of the room to go find the next person.

While the class may be useful, I fear that as we become more and more technology centered, that it will be necessary. Tone, body language, and speed cannot be read over the internet. The more we lose the human element, the harder it will be for doctors to learn how to talk to them. I know that S thought the delivery of the bad news would be like on a medical show. The doctor would look sad, would deliver the news, leave the room, the music would swell, and the doctor would collapse much like Willem Dafoe in Platoon while sobbing about the death of a child. It was not that way. Nor was there a lesson learned.

While I am not a doctor, my advice to all of them is learn how to talk to people by actually talking to people. Don't bank on a class to teach you how. I'm a teacher. I learned how to interact with students by doing it, not by sitting in a classroom practicing it. The real world application is never the same as the simulation no matter how well-trained the actor is. Even Sir Laurence Olivier cannot match the real pain people feel when a baby dies. Just talk to us.

Of course what do I know? I never sugarcoat. I could be wrong.

Namaste.

A Little Dance

2009-08-06T23:17:00.001-05:00

Why not enjoy some dancing on a Thursday night....

My Mornings

2009-07-25T14:29:00.000-05:00

This is really what it's like to own a cat. Absolutely brilliant.

Comic-Con Update 1

2009-07-25T14:10:00.008-05:00

Ok, From left to right:

1. Was just asked a confusing question about Kirkegaard.

2. Wanted to be Joan Jett...instead she's just wasted.

3. Thought he was doing "Son of Zoolander", so he hit the crowd with his version of Blue Steel.

Stan Lee reacts to the only way to get rid of him:

Say, "Excelsior!" three times backwards and he disappears.

It's True

2009-07-25T14:04:00.001-05:00

You Are Not Going to be Famous from Jim Hanas on Vimeo.

This is for my students who tell me they don't need my class because they'll be rich and famous.

Auto-Tune Bach(mann)

2009-07-15T17:40:00.001-05:00

Hey look, Michele Bachmann can auto-tune!

Enjoy.

Doomed Relationship Chart

2009-07-15T10:12:00.002-05:00

So true.

Double-Edged

2009-07-14T08:34:00.003-05:00

Read this first.

Wow.

When I first read this article, I thought, "Must be a typo," but I started thinking about it and realized that it has a positive and negative.

Start with the positive:

Congratulations to Ryan Seacrest. You are now being paid 15 million dollars a year just to host a 40 episode show in which you are really on about 22 minutes per hour. So let's do the math:

A two hour show means you're on for 44 minutes.

There are 40 episodes where we'll say 20 are only an hour. So...

20 x 22 = 440 minutes
20 x 44 = 880 minutes
---------------------------
Total screen time: 1,320 minutes

That's 22 hours a season.

You get 15 million dollars a year, which means you make:

681,818.18 per hour of work for the next three years.

That's amazing, considering that before American Idol you were pretty much only known for hosting things like Gladiators 2000 (think American Gladiators for kids...oh the Food Pyramid...sigh).

You are the American dream personified. In a short amount of time, you were in the right place at the right time and were smart enough to capitalize to become rich and famous. You are well on your way to becoming the next Dick Clark, so congratulations on that.

And you work incredibly hard. You're on this show, you have a radio show, and you produce a few things here and there (they aren't Shakespeare, but...whatever).

Now, the negative....

First, re-read the math above.

Where is the money coming from? Are we really giving a man who hosts a giant karaoke show the same amount of money that Tom Brady makes? (And that is a whole 'nother rant.)

Let's just hit the varying levels of this issue.

#1: Is he really the reason why people watch the show? If he was replaced, would the ratings really drop?
I have never really watched the show, but my understanding from those who do is that judges are who people care about, not the host. So what are the judges to be paid?

#2: How do you explain to the auto worker that's been laid off or the teacher who has been cut that there isn't enough money to keep them, but that some guy is getting almost $700,000 an hour to small talk with some people on a panel and comfort a person who has basically been told: you can't sing?

Which leads to another problem: We overvalue athletes and actors and such, and we undervalue the real hard working people. Yes, I'm a teacher, and I do put a portion of my check back in to the classroom. Last year alone I paid out $3,000 of my own money to make sure the kids had books and supplies. That's a good chunk of my yearly salary, folks.

Let me be clear: I'm not whining. I'm not saying, "Hey, poor me that some guy is getting 15 million to host a show, and I get paid considerably less to supposedly prepare the future of America."

But how do I keep arguing that education is SO necessary, when some guy makes more money than a lawyer, a doctor, a scientist, or most people with a PhD. The guy I would give that much money to? Neil Degrasse Tyson. "Who is that," might be your answer, and that would be the problem.

#3: Aren't we in a recession? Aren't we supposed to be hurting for money and everyone is supposed to be tightening their belts? Are we supposed to look at this story and say, "Wow, economy can't be that bad! Look at the money this guy is getting," while smiling?

I just don't understand how so much money can be given to one person. It's like Jim Carrey making $20 million for a film. One person is worth that much? A guy who can hit a ball is worth $25 million? Really?

Have we lost our priorities? Maybe we should just forget about trying to teach people to read and write. Scratch that. We need them to read the teleprompters. Maybe, however, we should just turn our schools into pageant preparation. Teach the students to read, smile, and talk clearly, and then move them into the world.

And that's the true negative of this. While Mr. Seacrest gets money that he probably deserved, the rest of us can only look and think, "Why not us?"

For the me the question is now, "Why am I doing what I'm doing?" We obviously care about money more than anything, right? I mean I can't pay my mortgage with the good work I do for the students.

"Here, Mr. Banker, are the grades my students earned this year. Amazingly good. Is that enough to let me keep my house? Huh?"

Of course what do I know? I get paid pretty well to apparently foist my opinion on children. I could be wrong.

Namaste.

Coincidence?

2009-07-13T07:47:00.001-05:00

Am I the only one seeing the resemblance?

Sid and Nancy

2009-07-13T00:00:00.001-05:00

I grew up with my sister loving this movie, and she used to watch it over and over.

So, there's something about this movie and the people sending it up that just makes it incredibly funny to me.

Namaste.

Retro

2009-07-06T15:51:00.000-05:00

Wow....

These are awesome!

I particularly like the movie posters.

Enjoy.

Happy July 4th (2009)

2009-07-04T07:49:00.000-05:00

This about sums it up.

Late Night Wandering

2009-06-27T21:17:00.013-05:00

The other night I couldn't sleep, so I went for a walk.

(Feel free to click on a picture to see it larger.)

Pause

Two water pistols sitting out anticipating being used when the sun returns.

Hue

The colors in the darkness that call out to you.

Gas Station

A bustling beacon.

Silhouette

Joy

2009-06-10T12:49:00.009-05:00

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH

Futurama is back!!!!

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH

SO happy right now.

Don't believe me?

Check it!

Unused Speech 2009

2009-06-04T01:34:00.002-05:00

Members of the board, principals, fellow faculty members, and graduates: Thank you for allowing me the opportunity to speak here today. I am incredibly grateful to be allowed to be part of this tremendous moment for the graduates here today.
Let me begin by saying 35,063 hours. That's roughly 2,103,780 minutes. Or, to make it more salient: that's the amount of time the class of 2009 had a high school career.
That may seem like a long time, but when all is said and done... when the lights of your lives begin to dim, this will be but a moment. A flicker in the corner of your eye.
I have always found it fascinating that people will call high school the greatest period of their life.
That is an old, tired, and incorrect platitude, and you all know what a platitude is.... That's right, it's a platypus with an attitude. And if you've never seen that...well...you either weren't in or weren't paying attention in my class.
This will not be the best time of your life. The world is changing in fascinating ways. We have a new president who brings about a feeling of hope for so many. We have instant communication with each other across computers and cell phones.
(Pull out cell phone and check it)
Which means I now get texts from the graduates asking me to speak faster and get to the point. Thanks (fill in the blank).
We have economic uncertainty which can be your worst enemy or your best friend depending on how you approach it.
And yet through all of this, you will have memories, experiences, and moments that will make all of this fade into the back of your mind.
Now, I cannot guarantee there's nothing scary hiding underneath your bed, but I can say that you are not alone on this journey through life. You will always have your teachers here should you need us. Our job has been to prepare you for what lies ahead.
And I know you all heard that a lot over the last four years. Think about it: how many times did you ask, "What's the point of this?"
And how many times did you hear, "To prepare you," or "Because you need to know this," from your teachers?
So I give you one more thing to prepare for.
Regardless of what your teachers have taught you, you must be prepared to be surprised.
The best part of life is not knowing what will come next. It's the thrill of an unexpected and positive surprise. It's the power of overcoming a sudden and negative astonishment. And this is the real reason why your teachers have worked so hard with you: Because the future is never written. There may be no accidents, but there is also no way to know how every piece will play out. Even the best card counter gets surprised.

As you step out of HP and move into the jungle of the real world, I leave you with an explanation of one of my favorite riddles.
My students know this question very well, and they have often asked me to give them the answer, to which I always reply, "Wait until graduation." One student told me she was excited not just to be here to graduate but to also get the answer to the question that has been plaguing her for two years. So...

There's a duck in a bottle (no groaning). You may not break the bottle, and you may not harm or touch the duck. How do you get the duck out of the bottle?

Over the course of my life, I have heard two definitive answers that were backed by zen masters.

Answer #1: Because I am the man who put the duck in the bottle, only I can remove the duck. Thus, the answer is to do nothing.
While this answer makes sense, it also means that we have no real control over the situations of life. This also means that we ignore situations as we truly feel we have no ability to affect the outcome. A very cynical way of looking at things...so let's try #2.

Answer #2: Open the bottle, let the duck out, and close the bottle. I truly like this answer because of its simplicity. We often miss the simple ideas of childhood as we grow older. I can remember when I was in high school and a teacher asked my class, "How do you put a hippo in the refrigerator?" My class immediately launched into planning about changing the dynamics of the icebox, cutting up the hippo, and even inventing a shrink ray. And when he told us the answer of, "Open the door, put the hippo in, and close the door," I was not alone in thinking how I would pelt him with eggs later. Still, he was right. We ignore the simple because we are used to the complex. Rainer Maria Rilke, a writer I quite like said:

"If you will cling to Nature, to the simple in Nature, to the little things that hardly anyone sees, and that can so unexpectedly become big and beyond measuring; if you have this love of inconsiderable things and seek quite simply, as one who serves, to win the confidence of what seems poor: then everything will become easier, more coherent and somehow more conciliatory for you..."

This quote helps illustrate the point of answer #2: The simpleness of things is often right when it isn't drowned in complexity.

However, I believe that there is a third answer. A better answer.

Answer #3: Whatever you would do. This may seem like a cop out on my part, but you have to develop your own answer. I asked a colleague of mine about this the other day.
"What would you do?" I asked.
"I would smash the bottle and free the duck," she exclaimed.
"But that violates the rules," I replied.
"Sometimes a situation calls for breaking the rules," she said. "That's why it's my answer."

She's not wrong. I often tell you that I cannot give you the answer because it is my answer and not yours. As you leave here, go out, and find your ways, you know as well as I do that while teachers, family, and friends will help you, YOU must develop your own answers to life's questions. Someone will not always be there to tell you the answer. If you come across the duck in the bottle, it's up to you to decide what to do. The duck might be as simple as what class to take, or as difficult as what to do with an aged parent. It's your choice to make... no one can make it for you, and you should never want them to.

I am proud to have spent the last four years with you, and I look forward to seeing the great ways that you will take on life head on and bend it to your will. Make your teachers, your families, and yourselves proud with your choices and your definitions. And while some will tell you it isn't, failure is an option, because it is from failure that success will be born. You cannot have one without the other, and it is in those failures that we learn to find our answers. Once again, as Rilke said:

"Live the questions now."

Good luck graduates.

Namaste.

Pep

2009-05-31T11:25:00.006-05:00

So true.

And yet all I ever hear yelled is, "Go home freshmen!"

Forced Passivity

2009-05-24T01:32:00.002-05:00

I discovered another reason why I dislike my jury duty this past Thursday. As my case ran late, my wife asked me to pick up dinner. Her choice: Greek.

So I drove over to the Athens Cafe to pick up a Gyro and veggie platter (both recommended). The cafe is in a strip mall next to a Great Clips and near a Walgreens. It's also near Bill's Gun Shop...but that's neither here nor there. After I parked, I was walking up to the door, when I heard a woman scream, "Hey! Stop! THIEF!"

I looked to my right and here came a young, African-American male running at top speed down the side walk. In his hand was something I couldn't quite see, but it was obvious from the woman screaming and pointing at him that he had not paid for the item.

He was going to run right by me. I could have easily just thrown my weight at him, knocked him down, and stopped him.

But I didn't.

So...he ran right by me and bolted to the steps at the end of the mall and went out of sight. The woman stopped running well before then. I grabbed the door to enter into the Athens Cafe right as she got there. We made eye contact. She didn't say anything, but her look said it all: "You had the opportunity to help, you bastard, and you let him go."

As I sat and waited for my food to be prepared, the reasoning began to become clear. I hadn't stopped the guy because of everything I have seen during jury duty and because of my family.

The family aspect is the easiest. When I was single, it didn't matter to me if something happened. Now, I have people that I am responsible for. Now I have people who depend on me to be there, and I can't let them down.

But the other reason was jury duty and the stories of the crimes. So let's say I stop this guy...who's to say he isn't armed? Who's to say that he doesn't see me coming and just flat out beats the crap out of me? There wasn't anyone else out there other than the woman from Walgreens, and she wasn't going to save me if he went at me.

So I let a crime happen that maybe I could have stopped...and I feel guilty. My wife says I shouldn't as I was under no obligation to help anyone, but that's no consolation.

In the end this will only be a small moment of my life. I just hope it doesn't define me.

Hooked on a Feeling

2009-05-21T03:29:00.000-05:00

For three (almost four) months, I have been part of the Hennepin County Grand Jury, and, for lack of a better term, I hate it.
I really dislike using strong words to describe my life, but this is a time when I am comfortable with it. I hate being on this jury. The reasons are quite simple.

1. It takes me away from work.
This seems like it would be a good thing. Who doesn't want time away from their colleagues and responsibilities? Well, me. Every time I have to go to a day of jury duty, I have to write a lesson plan, lay out the work, and hope it gets done right. The added issue is that my students are so horrible to my subs, that they have all canceled on me. That's right, every one of my subs will not do any repeats for me. They hate my students that much. Of course the students say it has to do with not getting respect, but that's not the point. It's more work for me not to be there.

2. I'm having a hard time with the cases.
Ok, so at times I come off as being hard as stone. I told a kid the other day that he's not graduating because the work he was trying to turn in was over a month late and I wasn't accepting it anymore. That might be harsh, but some of the cases I've seen have been nasty. Understand, grand jury is homicides, and the lawyers must present their evidence. This means pictures, witnesses, and more. And while I can stomach a lot, there are just some cases that are hard to listen to.

Now, I'm no Twidiot ©(and yes, my term), so I won't be discussing the details of these cases. Hell, I seem to be one of the only members of the jury who doesn't read the local newspaper right now, turns off my cell phone while in the grand jury room, and is unwilling to discuss the cases in the elevator afterwards.

That being said it's difficult to watch and take notes at times.

Let me give you an example. Say there is a case where a man killed his child. He beat the child to death with the kid's favorite toy. The lawyers (and we only see the prosecution) will call in the medical examiner, who will put up pictures of the deceased and walk us through the damages and cause of death. This means seeing pictures of the child's body. This also means a dry voice talking about how a man can use X amount of physical pressure to crush a child's skull.

Next a detective or officer on the case will come in and tell us the police involvement of the case. If there is a witness to the crime, we will hear from that person. Inevitably one or more will cry and need a break.

And every witness will always start the same way. "State your name for the record and spell it," followed by, "What is your educational background for your position?"

It gets tedious, and it is draining to see the horror that we do to each other. Slit throats, killed babies, shooting each other, stabbing each other, running each other over with cars, smashing bottles, etc. It reinforces the idea that we are not intrinsically good.

3. People are not logical in groups.
This one is the hardest for me. I am a passionate person, but I have learned over time how to control my emotions and look at the facts. Over and over again, should you ever do jury duty, the lawyers will remind you that the case is always about the law. Not your feelings, not what your saw on a TV show or media outlet...the law. We are given copies of the law, and it is explained to us. This makes it all the more worse when fellow jurors begin an argument with a phrase that should not be in the jury room:

"I feel...."

When you start a sentence with that phrase, you are no longer objective. Feelings are not objective. If you wish to argue that, Plato, that's fine, but in my experience on this green and blue marble, feelings are always based on subjective ideals.
We are arguing the law. Is this person acting with premeditation as the law describes it? It is not how YOU think premeditation is, but the law. That's the key.

You only need 12 people to agree on a charge. Unlike a petit jury, it's majority rules. If 12 say go, then 11 say no, and the case goes on to a trial. Most of the time, we agree on the charges. I admit that the teacher in me does not allow for us to get off topic. However, I cannot always keep everyone focused... I'm not the foreperson.

Two weeks ago, we argued a murder charge. Three members disagreed with the assessment and hijacked the vote until they could be heard. I think in their minds, they truly had this noble idea of making an impassioned speech, a la Twelve Angry Men and changing our minds. And each of those three used the phrase that has no place in the room.
"I just feel," the first one said, " that this is too much. I mean it COULD have been an accident. Then we're being harsh."

"Look at the law," I responded. "Knowing...or unknowingly. Thus premeditation."
This fell on deaf ears. And in all honesty, I could have cared less how they felt. They were in the minority, but it bothers me that they could not come up with an argument stronger than, "I feel." The group would argue for fifteen more minutes. It was insane.

4. The building is depressing
I swear I see the same people waiting outside the court every week. I know that's impossible, but they always look the same. Everyone looks unhappy, and it is amazing that the offices manage to have so many windows and yet feel and look so dark. Still, you can taste the defeat and sadness that surrounds so many of the people. Armed guards are everywhere, and no one quite seems to have a sense of humor. I watched a little boy play with his mother, and he was able to do this trick with a car that he hadn't ever done before. His face lit up, and his mother was proud. The boy wasn't loud, and wasn't near anyone. Yet, a man at a bench at least thirty feet away yelled, "Hey, not so loud! What you did...no big deal." Thus, the man and the boy's mother began arguing, and the smile was gone from the boy's face. It's just depressing in there. It's not wonder everyone bolts for the outside. It's not for a cigarette; it's for sunshine, warmth, and the return of the feeling of love.

Don't get me wrong, there are some interesting aspects to this.
I've learned a lot about the court system and the need for thoroughness.
I've learned that WAY too many people think that CSI is 100% real. As one M.E. put it: They are so great because the writers know how the case ends already. We don't."
I've learned that courthouse has burned out lights all over that they will not replace. We offered to buy the necessary bulbs and were told no.
I also learned that the sad technology of my classroom is still better understood and taken care of then in the courtrooms there. In one courtroom is a sign that reads, "Ring bell for judge." In front of it is the kind of bell you would find for a bellhop. Forget giant chambers where judges yell at lawyers, this is ring for service justice. As for understanding, most of the time we the jury have to help the lawyers make their powerpoints and videos work.
I've learned that even in a courtroom people will ignore words and concentrate on looks. Maybe this is why the law is ignored....

I serve until mid-June, and I look forward to finishing my civic duty, but I am saddened by the fact that even in real life, people ignore the instructions and think with what THEY think is right instead of the law. It creates problems.

I hope, dear reader, that you are never called to grand jury duty (My wife never has been called for any kind...must change that), but if you are, I hope that your group is interesting and hard working.

Namaste.

Force at the Mound

2009-05-01T21:29:00.004-05:00

Via ffffound

Unfortunately for Chewie, Vader doubled to left allowing Boba Fett to score easily. Luckily, Tarkin slowed down and was tagged out at the plate by Solo.

How to Make the News Better....

2009-04-25T19:14:00.002-05:00

Katie Couric sounds amazing when Auto-Tuned....

Enjoy.

So when is DeRusha going to do this? Or Marler weather?

The New Ironic Baby

2009-04-24T12:45:00.007-05:00

So I haven't been posting because the new Ironic baby has appeared.

Enjoy some pictures of Annaliese.

Born on Monday, April 20 at 2:01 PM (She waited until work was over).

Kid is a total fighter.

Art House Video Games

2009-04-10T20:31:00.003-05:00

Ok, so Criterion (Find them here) is probably the preeminent company for DVD collections. What's so great is that the DVD cases are like little pieces of art. Example? Check out this box art for The Seventh Seal. The film is a masterpiece, and the box looks pretty damn cool too. Many collectors know and anticipate what films Criterion will release as well as what it will look like.

So this begs the question: What would happen if Criterion did video games?

The answer? Check this out. These are awesome!

The best one, to me, is Grim Fandango. A film noir game, the box art captures the feel of it being like Casablanca but set in the land of the dead during the Day of the Dead.

Look through the site and enjoy.

Namaste.

The Next Step

2009-04-07T12:17:00.000-05:00

Oh...so...ironic....

And Now...A Word from our Sponsor....

2009-04-05T21:48:00.003-05:00

After all the heaviness, it's time for a short break to something more...fun.

Enjoy.

Namaste.

Perils of Student Theatre

2009-04-05T02:15:00.000-05:00

Perhaps the hardest kind of theatre that exists is one run completely by students. Over the course of my many years of experience, I have had the fortune...misfortune...experience to work with student-run theatre. For the most part, it can go well, but it is an exercise in what the real theatre experience will be. Sure, these people may seem cool...and they may be your best friends, but under pressure, they will eat you faster than a dingo with a baby.

The first experience I ever had was while I was in high school. However, that one won't count as the school's theatre teacher gave a tremendous amount of help to the point of lending lights, sound equipment, and his time. No, proper student theatre has to have no outside help. So let's jump ahead.

My freshman year of college, the group AST (a helpful acronym that stands for All Student Theatre...oh how clever) put on a production of Macbeth (if you are in a theatre as you read this, say "The Scottish Play...do it for Sir Ian McKellan). Now, I worked on the show as a favor to my then girlfriend who was friends with everyone on the production and would sweet talk me into helping... this leads to...

Lesson one: Never work on a production without knowing all the parameters up front. If you haven't been on the show since day one, and they call you fix problems, it's going to be more taxing than you can imagine. These people take all their huge problems and dump it on the consultant. Then, if it doesn't work, it's your fault. Make sure you have an escape...just in case.

I'm in bed when the phone rings at midnight. Doesn't sound too bad, but I had been asleep since nine as I had a horrible cold. It's the show's lighting designer, and he needs my help. His name is Adam, and he's one of those guys who's always sure he's right. If he was on fire (important later), and he didn't think he was, he would burn to death to prove that you were wrong. Seriously.

"Buddy, I need you."
Ok, let me be clear here: I really dislike when people use terms of endearment that are fake. Chief, buddy, dude, brother, etc. Either use my name or tell me how you really feel. I have a colleague who calls me, "Buddy," and it makes me mad because she used to do it when she forgot my name.

"What do you need, Adam?" I reply coughing into the phone loudly. It's at this point I realize that I will need to wash out the puke bucket...but that's neither here nor there.

"I'm really stuck, Chief. Can you come down here and help me focus?"

"Where's your crew?" I ask, and try to start counting how many times the room has spun on me... 14.

"Left me in the lurch, Bro. Can you get down here and help me. I know it's what (My Ex's name) would want."
This is an unfair move...however, it is lesson two:

Lesson two: If you are desperate for help, blackmail, blackmail, blackmail. Use whatever resource you have. I once got a friend of mine to withhold sex to her boyfriend until he came and helped me. Cruel? Hell yeah. Necessary? Most definitely.
On the flipside, however, be prepared for it. If someone attempts to use your significant other, then you bargain using his or hers. And always collect favors in writing or recording. Seriously. I used to do it all the time, and I still have a stack of I.O.U's that I am using to get people to help me now.

I sighed into the phone. "Fine, Adam. I help you, and you owe me. No questions."

This is how you tell how desperate a person is. If they REALLY need you, then the no question bit is washed over. If they don't, then they will argue it.

"Just get down here. I need help. We'll talk details later."

I get down there to a version of Lighting Hell. A combination of late delivery, rain, and lack of man power has the show a full day behind. Adam is really desperate...and I can use that.

Ok, if you are doing a production and cannot get lights from a university, college, or local school, you will have to rent. Now, this is where you need to be nice to the school's (or space's) Tech Director. Get a name and number of who he/she would use. Make sure to mention how much money you have...less $500. Seriously. I watched a kid make this mistake my senior year of college. She pissed off the TD by talking to him like he was a kid (not a good idea with Rick), and then gave him the exact budget. He gave her the number of a guy that I knew jacked prices. She ended up paying $300 out of pocket. I would have said something, but she insulted me too, so I decided to let it go. Too bad for her.

Adam had gone to a guy that everyone knew was reliable 50% of the time. Sometimes he showed up with the lights, dimmer, and cables....Sometimes he didn't show or showed with only some of the equipment. On this night, he showed, but the guy wouldn't bring the equipment up from the bottom of the steps, and this was why Adam was panicking. The students had all ditched the set when it started raining, so Adam was left with himself, me, and one actor who was too drunk to know any better.

Lesson three: When desperate, you can take any warm body and use them, but be careful who you are taking as they may be:
Drunk
High
Stupid
Wrathful
Idiotic
Better than you

The actor, we'll call him Terry, was incredibly drunk. This was a given for most AST productions as the sets were outdoors in April, so staying warm was very hard. Many people drank or had sex to be warm. The sex was why I never wanted to clean the set...ever. Too many...well...you get the idea.
Anyway, Terry was wasted, and here was Adam asking him to carry a box of lights up the steps of the building so we could begin hanging in the rain. The very idea was insane, but I'd done worse.
Halfway up the steps, Terry started getting woozy and losing his balance.

Have you ever seen the scene in The Untouchables where the baby in the carriage rolls down the stairs? No? Ok, here. Yes, it's a rip-off of the scene from Battleship Potemkin..but..uh...ssshhhh.
So Terry is starting to fall, and he lets go of the box with the very expensive Source Four Revolutions in them. As the box starts to slip from his fingers, everything slows down. Adam begins to dive to save the box, while I just stare. Had it been my show, I might have cared more, but because I was doing a favor...meh.
Adam gets his fingers on the box, and it still gets away. So several thousand dollars worth of equipment goes spinning down the steps as Terry pukes on himself and Adam screams.

Lesson four: A great deal of student theatre is luck. So many things will go wrong that it will make your head spin. Actors will be idiotic, techies will be frustrating, and anything that can truly go wrong without incredibly meticulous planning will go wrong. However, occasionally something will spin your way.

For Adam, this was his lucky moment. Even though the box had plunged down all those steps, nothing was damaged. So, even though I was still dizzy, I helped Adam haul the box up while Terry continued to puke on himself while saying, "Aww...dude...(Hoorrk)...dude...no...," over and over.

As you'll recall from rule one, always have an out. When Adam began talking about working until the sun came up (and again, it was pouring rain), I pulled my out. "You get a little longer, but I have an exam tomorrow, and I need to both sleep and study. School first." A flimsy excuse, but enough of one. This was also because I knew he was going to try and get me to go up on the scaffolding.

Now, here's a helpful tip. Not a rule per say, but something to remember: fatigue + rain + heavy equipment + electricity = VERY, VERY bad idea. I knew Adam was going to ask me to go up and hang the lights on the three story tall scaffolding...and there was no way I was going up in the horizontal rain with several pounds of lights attached. That's just asking God, or Fate, or Time, or Space to throw you around. Years later I would be in Adam's position and almost kill myself leaping around the scaffolding, but on this night I wasn't stupid...or designing.

So after setting up some pipes, running some cable, and hanging a few lights, I was done. "I need sleep, Adam. I'm going home."

"Thanks, Chief," he said and my spine shivered. "I'll call you later to come back." This was not said as a question of if, but that I WOULD come back.

"We'll see. Bye."

A few days passed, and Adam got everything ready. The night the show opened, however, Adam would cause another problem.
During "The Scottish Play", there is a scene where three murderers appear and kill Banquo. The director decided that the lighting would mimic moonlight and that the actors would carry torches. Great...except the murderers were supposed to snuff the torches in order to symbolize Banquo's death (which everyone was seeing anyway...but I digress).
So Murderer #3 grabs the torch and tries to snuff it out with his cape...which hadn't been sprayed with fire retardant...and it catches on fire.

Being the techie that I am, and being that I am in the audience, I stand up immediately and go to put the guy out. Adam, who is also the stage manager and tech director for the show stops me (again, it's student theatre, so everyone has multiple positions. Being the lighting designer also means he knows the cues already).
"Don't touch him!" he shouts at me. "He can put it out himself."
The spreading flames say otherwise.
"Get out of the way," I say to Adam, and head backstage where I know the fire extinguisher is. (The guy they rented the lights from includes it with all of his rentals...isn't that a bad sign?) Adam keeps saying, "He doesn't need you to put him out."
At this point I don't care. I grab the extinguisher, run back out, and spray Murderer #3 down. He was grateful as the flames were actually starting to burn him.

Now this was not that bad. Sure, an actor was burned, but nothing crashed.

On a later production of City of Angels, the tech director didn't double check to make sure the flats were lashed. So, the play is rolling along, and they hit the big number: You're Nothing Without Me. Stine and Stone begin the song...and the flat behind Stine literally snaps and crushes him. Sadly it was the only time the audience enjoyed the show.

This leads to...

Lesson five: anything that can go wrong...will...and it will have fallout.

Yes, your show was a success...good for you. However, there was an immense amount of drama (no pun intended) leading up to your awesome opening.
Over the course of the years that I did student theatre, I had:
Directors at war with each other
Drunk or high crew members
Drunk, high, or horny actors
Angry weather gods
Annoyingly interested security and peace officers
Homeless folks trying to use the set as a home or urinal

And of all of those, the worst was always weather. If you can avoid doing it outside, you'll be much happier. During a very frustrating production of Much Ado About Nothing, I had to setup scaffolding and hang lights all in the quad. Ok, the first problem was that I had one helper, and while Donger (yes, like ding-dong...with er at the end) was a great help, he was also hyper-competitive. "Hey dude," he would always start with. "I bet I can carry two lights up to the top of the scaffolding faster than you AND get them hooked up first. Ready? Go!" Then he would run as fast as he could, grab the lights and sprint up the side of scaffolding. Was it helpful? At times, but not when he slammed some of the lights into the metal bars and caused damage.

So it was pretty much me. It was a rainy April when this show was being setup. It was also cold and windy. This meant that the three stories tall scaffolding would sway while I was on it.

Anyone who knows me as a professional in theatre knows that I am basically a monkey. I will hang off pipes, swing around with ladders, and basically throw my body across pipes and walls if it means getting the job done. This includes flying around and cheating death and injury while on unsecured (very much unbeknownst to me) scaffolding. Now, in case you are unaware, metal and water don't necessarily mix well. If you add heights then it's a recipe for disaster.

There I was on top of the scaffolding singing the Marriage of Figaro at the top of my lungs, when I slipped for the first time. The light was secure, and I had my trusty (no longer mine) crescent wrench tied to my wrist so it wouldn't hurt anyone or force me to go after it, but I slipped and had to grab on to the metal plank to not go anywhere.

In hindsight, this should have been my first inkling that this was a warning from God or Fate or Time or Space or the Theatre Gods or whatever runs this strange land we all inhabit. I would continue to work and would make an almost fatal mistake. With all the lights finally attached, I began to wire and focus. One light was extended out (it was a special for Beatrice), so I, being the macho idiot I once was, leaped over the scaffolding to swing into position to focus the light. It wasn't done to impress a lady, it wasn't done to cheat death, nor was it done to prove a point. I did it because I started leaping over the side during my Sophomore year. Never had a problem, until that moment.

Again, rain makes metal wet. Metal is then hard for skin to purchase on. Add heights and you begin to see the problem. My hand grabbed for the metal bar and slipped right off...while I was three stories up. I began to fall.

My first thought was, "Fuck. Who's going to feed my cats?" Why? Couldn't tell you.

So I reached out again with my hands and feet and managed to pull myself in with my leg. It didn't break, but it caught me, I hit my back on the scaffolding, and my shin caught me in place by letting a pin that was holding the scaffolding together enter in. It was excruciating and embarrassing, but it wasn't the worst part. I would survive, patch up the leg (though I still have the scar to this day), and finish the job. I'd even keep singing.
And as soon as I finished, lesson five kicked in.

I had asked the crew to secure the scaffolding to the ground using ropes and stakes. We couldn't do anything to the brick of the quad as that might...you know...be permanent damage. So they were supposed to stake down one side and tie the other to a tree. One was done (the tree). That afternoon, several guys were playing football, and they somehow got too close to our scaffolding tie down and a bunch of them hit the rope. This forced the scaffolding to tip back. Add in a gust of wind and now a bunch of extra weight in the form of the lights and the structure begins to tip over. I was there when this occurred. It is the only time in my life where I loudly asked God or the universe or Murray, the little old man who lives in the Sun, to "HELP ME!!!"

Yes, I ran up to the scaffolding and started trying to pull it back. There was a rope still attached from when we raised it, and I grabbed it and leaned back...to no avail. The whole structure went over. For a few moments, I just looked at the desolation of the fallen metal. Nothing of the structure had broken, but two lights had...which was costly. This would be the last time the director of the show and I would actually speak as he was supposed to tie down the other line...but had forgotten because the actress playing Beatrice was wooing him.

In the end, I'm not against student theatre. Far from it. It's a wonderful experience.
Just remember:

1. Never work on a production without knowing all the parameters up front.
2. If you are desperate for help, blackmail, blackmail, blackmail.
3. When desperate, you can take any warm body and use them, but be careful who you are taking.
4. A great deal of student theatre is luck.
5. Anything that can go wrong...will...and it will have fallout.

Of course, there's one more rule to remember. It's not a hard and fast rule, but as a techie, I highly recommend it.

6. Never date any of the actors or directors involved with the production. Oh my, this is a sure fire way to end your relationship.

Of course what do I know? I did four years of it and didn't die. I could be wrong.

Namaste.

Choose Your Own Zombie

2009-03-27T23:37:00.003-05:00

Remember those old Choose Your Own Adventure books?

Well, here's a movie where you get to help a group of people survive a zombie horde.

That's right: Interactive Movie.

So click on the link and enjoy.

http://survivetheoutbreak.com/

Director...or Neurotic

2009-03-26T21:26:00.001-05:00

Your result for The Director Who Films Your Life Test...

Woody Allen

Your film will be 64% romantic, 39% comedy, 22% complex plot, and a $ 27 million budget.

Be prepared to have your life story shot entirely in New York City -- though lately Woody's been loving shooting in London. Also, your music soundtrack is all jazz from before 1949. Filmography: Annie Hall, Manhattan, Stardust Memories, Everyone Says I Love You, Match Point, Scoop, etc. Woody has released one film per year consistently for the past 35 years. For the past 15 years he's been trying to make films like his older, funnier ones, just like characters in his Stardust Memories film suggest throughout. Scarlett Johansson will star.

Take The Director Who Films Your Life Test at HelloQuizzy

I have...no response to this. It's...uh...yeah.

Words are Loaded Pistols

2009-03-15T02:47:00.000-05:00

"Man is fully responsible for his nature and his choices. "

He was right.

"I confused things with their names: that is belief."

It is other people.

"It is only in our decisions that we are important."

Namaste.

Jury's Prudent

2009-03-02T02:45:00.000-06:00

I have jury duty.
To clarify, I have grand jury duty.

A few weeks ago I received my summons for jury duty. This is the third time in my life I will have appeared at a court house for jury duty. Unfortunately, this will be the first time I will actually have to sit.

The first time was after I left the east coast and headed to St. Louis. I was called back even though I was in college. I explained to the judge that I was in school in St. Louis and no longer lived on the east coast. Done. I was excused.

The second time was while I was in college. I was called to jury duty in St. Louis. This was a little more difficult to get out of. It was a petit jury so we could be dismissed, which was the idea. I was working a show and didn't want to lose the time to my civic duty. So I called my mother and asked what to do.

"It's simple," she explained. "Be extreme in your answers. Don't lie, but make it clear that whatever they ask is something you're passionate about. You don't like drunk drivers, be vehement."
My girlfriend at the time tried to add her two cents as well. "Show them how smart you are. No one wants a smart juror. They want a juror that can easily be swayed."

I went to the courthouse and sat. Thankfully, I brought my homework with me, but my fellow jurors were annoyed with me as I took up a good chunk of floor to do my light plot drafting. Soon I was called in and asked my opinion on defrauding people.

"Have you ever taken a person's money?" I was asked.
"No, sir," I replied. "That would be horribly wrong. Any person who does that was obviously never loved by their mother." That was my version of extreme. What I liked was that the defense attorney's head cocked over like a puppy's. He almost couldn't believe that the man sitting before him would say those words.

I was almost immediately dismissed.

Now this third time is different. The state of Minnesota is quite unique. They convene a grand jury every Thursday and ask its members to sit for four months. The jury consists of 23 people, one foreperson, two associate forepeople, and eight alternates. They need at least sixteen people to vote, so the twenty three is just in case someone cannot make it due to dire circumstances. And unlike other states, you cannot get dismissed from doing your duty...not without a doctor's note that covers the whole period. Taking a business trip? Go ahead, see you in a week. I was unaware of this when I got called. Again, a petit jury is where they have a jury of twelve people who decide if the defendant is guilty or not guilty. That was NOT what I was being called to. No, the Hennepin County Grand Jury is to decide if there is enough evidence to send a case to trial. There is no excusing. It's also all homicides. "Prepare for blood," we were told.

When the summons came, I immediately thought of my mother: extremes. Get out of it.
I filled out the questionnaire that came with it. I had never had to fill out a survey for jury duty before. It asked questions about my educational background, my job, and my spouse. It was strange.
As the date drew closer, I even tried to be positive. It's a day off, I told myself, you can take grading and get ahead. Might meet some interesting people too. Not even close.
I arrived early and took my seat outside the courtroom. The clerk came and took our names like an attendance sheet (Yes, I looked at it like a teacher). Once we were all checked in, we were given binders with instructions and took a seat in the courtroom.
After a quick introduction, the clerk said there would be one piece of business. "We need to get a foreperson, so I will read three names at random and take those people to meet with the judge." She read the names. I was second. Off to the upper floors to meet the judge.

Here's the catch, however. The names weren't random. When I checked in, I was able to read the list the clerk had. It was not in alphabetical order. At the top were three names (mine was second) that had stars next to them. These three names were the ones she read. As I went upstairs with the two other people, we began introducing ourselves to each other and discussing our backgrounds. Turned out all three of us had Masters degrees or higher, did jobs that required working with groups of people, and had put all of that on the questionnaire. There was nothing random about this. The judge interviewed all three of us and asked if we could handle a group, had any reservations, etc. In the end, I became an associate foreperson. This was due to my asking a question during the interview. This meant I had to be the foreperson if something happened to the woman chosen for the task. No way out now.

After being sworn in, we went to the grand jury room where we met the prosecutor and had the whole thing explained out. No longer would we be addressed by our names. No we would be numbers. We were also told to not read the newspaper or watch the news (Sorry, Keith) as this could sway our opinions.

What struck me, however, was not that we had these rules. I understand that. No, what got me was a few things that the clerk said to us.

1. 'The building," she explained, "does not have Wi-Fi. We still use dial-up."
Someone asked, "Do you mean you just plug in?"
"No," she replied, "I mean dial-up. It's slow. That's why justice takes so long around here."

2. Juror pay is ten dollars for the day. Not per hour, per day. Ten dollars won't even cover the cost of parking down in Minneapolis all day, but that's neither here nor there. Still, it makes sense, then, why so many people want to get out of jury duty. In this economy, who can afford to lose 1/5 if their paycheck? You want to do your civic duty, but that's a great deal of money to give up.

3. The building, it was explained to us, shuts down on Wednesdays as a cost saving measure. This means that the office won't be open for questions, problems, or explanations. Ok, so there's no justice on Wednesdays. So that's going to make it easier for everyone and makes sense? Really? Ok then.

This will be an interesting experience. I will talk about what I can (outside of the cases), but Thursday will be the first day and the first problem: Parent/Teacher conferences are this Thursday, and I am expected to be at jury duty. So..sorry parents. I can't talk to you about your failing child, because I'm going to be looking at whether a guy shot his baby in the face by accident or maliciously (not a real case...not contempt of court here).

Of course what do I know? I'm just the schmuck who may send you off to a trial. I could be wrong.

Namaste.