Ramblings for the Evening (6/05/06)

Can I just tell you that I find it deliciously ironic that on the eve of the supposed "Day of the Demon" I have officially received my sixth email from an angry reader? Yes, apparently my comments on Pat Robertson, as well as the Pope, were not liked by a few readers. I have to say: I love hatemail. It usually is just a rambling mess with only one through line: "Here's why you're stupid, and I'm right."
Good stuff.
What's funnier than that? I've gotten more mail...about Anderson Cooper. The Coop's got a lot of friends out there. I'd write about him, but I don't want another...well...you all remember the last time I wrote about a reporter....Sigh.
Do you think I could piss off more people if I talk about the fact that New York should get that money back? I mean if you were a terrorist, would you attack New York or Wyoming? If you said Wyoming, you're a liar. You don't deserve your 72 virgins.
Ok, let's do this.
So, without further ado: SWEET CAROLINE....BOP, BOP, BOP!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
David Hasselhoff is Omnipresent:
Seriously, this guy is EVERYWHERE. In the last few weeks, here's where he's been (in no particular order):
American Idol Finale (where he cried. Sorry, HE CRIED when the dude won).
Courtside at a Dallas Mavericks/ Phoenix Suns game.
Sportscenter.
Various talk show programs (he's pimping a new CD apparently).
In Germany promoting the World Cup (it's only a few days away now).
He's also a judge on America's Got Talent (That one is too easy to make fun of, so moving on).
Oh, did I mention that Steven Spielberg wants him in the Baywatch movie, and he may be a part of the Knight Rider movie?
This just goes to show you: if you go through an incredibly tough divorce and 'roid up (and I think he may be 'roiding, but that's just my opinion, folks), you too can have a great career.
Look, I'm not going to Hassel the Hoff", but I am going to ask: Why is he the only 80's star that we are resurrecting? Where's Tuti? What about Rick (Don't Call Me Ricky, Bitch) Schroeder? Where's Yahoo Serious?
I'm just saying...I'm slightly worried that I might walk into my school tomorrow and see him there. Then, when I stop to get gas for my car...he'll be there. Then, when I head out to buy groceries, he'll be there.
It's a little creepy.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Open Call to the Theatre Class of 2006:
Ok theatre grads, this is an invite.
If you wish, I am opening up the booth to allow any of the graduating theatre kids the ability to paint one brick as their own. This will become a new annual event for the theatre people. You want to bring your own paint? (which I recommend.) Do it. You want to decorate your square with pictures? Do it. It's your call.
My plan is to do this on Thursday. You want to do it earlier, let me know. You're the first class, so the placement is up to you.
and finally:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey, Minnesota Wild!:
To the local team,
I really hope you're paying attention.
Look at the Edmonton Oilers. This is a team that spent most of the last 15 years (since they won their last championship) as a joke. However, in the new NHL, this team is now thriving. They're spending money (did you see the Pronger trade and multiple signings), and they take chances (they traded for Roloson).
Look at the Carolina Hurricanes. They, too, have spent money and made trades.
Both teams had attendance issues, but guess what? They STILL spent the money to make the team better.
Now, I am a loyal season ticket holder. I have been for a while now. I have also attended many games since I first moved up here which also happened to be the team's first season. When team kind of screwed people during the lockout season, I did not complain. Nope, I paid my money.
This past season, however, you did NOT play into the new NHL. Your team reamained like the old guard. In fact, the Wild only spent barely over the minimum salary cap.
So, I want you as a business to look at the Edmonton Oilers and the Carolina Hurricanes. Two teams that did NOT spend the least amount of money and look what happened to them. The Oilers are the first number eight seed to make the finals (and they will probably win it in six). They traded for Roloson (who most fans AND management said was, "done."), and they made it MORE affordable for the fans instead of raising prices on a mediocre team.
I, as a loyal season ticket holder, declare the following:
1. If the team trades away the veterans and then rarely plays the superstar kids, I will no longer be a ticket holder.
2. If you have a subpar season (not making the playoffs, or, worse yet, being under .500), and you still raise ticket prices, I will no longer be a ticket holder.
3. If you do absolutely nothing in the offseason to try and get a big ticket name (hi, Zdeno Chara, did we mention that Minnesota is a great deal like the Czech Republic?), or to improve the team (DEEEEFEEEENNNNNSSSSSEEEEE), then I will no longer be a ticket holder.
Use the Oilers' model, folks.
They made the finals...we're playing golf.
Just a thought.
Namaste.

End of the School Year (2005-2006) II

Today was the Senior Goodbye. Basically, the next two weeks of school will be done sans the Class of 2006.
I admit...I will miss many of them.
The assembly, which (like every year) ran way too long, was quite upsetting to many (students and teachers). I actually smiled a little as I watched some of my colleagues wipe away tears.
Hugs abound as we all said goodbye.
I really wanted to give some "words of wisdom" to the seniors, but I discovered that our words had to be cleared by the administration ahead of time.
Upon hearing this from one of the APs, my first response was, "Dammit."
My second, however, was, "Wait...why do we have to clear it with YOU? Shouldn't you trust us at this point?"
So, because I was unable to do it at the assembly, I now present: Leab's Words of Wisdom to The Class of 2006. This is how it would have went, word for word.

To my lovely Seniors.
I have some advice that just may come in handy in the future.
I see people here who could be running the world one day.
Let me just give you some easy rules to follow for the years that are to come.
1. Do not ever punch Mickey Mouse. It has serious consequences. I know of what I speak.
2. When all else fails: beg, borrow, and steal.
3. Should you find yourself arguing with a painting of Vincent Van Gogh, stop what you are doing. Something is terribly wrong.
All right, in all seriousness, here is the real advice I recommend you follow.
1. Think before you speak. Speak before you act. Think before you act.
2. Remember that you have a wealth of knowledge and guidance here (at the school) whenever you need it. We don't say, "Oh, that class is DEAD to us now," after you leave. You need help, just ask us.
3. Same as before. If you're arguing with a painting, something is wrong.
In closing I would like to paraphrase Ralph Waldo Emerson:
"The reasonable person attempts to adapt him- or herself to the world.
The unreasonable person attempts to adapt the world to him- or herself.
Therefore all progress depends on the unreasonable person."
Be that person. Question what is happening. Seek answers. Solve the problems. Make the difference and the changes. Help facilitate progress.
That is my request and my advice to you.
Good luck.
Namaste.

Good luck to you, Class of 2006. May your journey be only beginning.
Namaste.

End of the School Year (2005-2006) Part I

"Mr. Leab?"
"Yes?"
"I don't like my grade."
"Oooook. What do you want me to do?"
"I want an 'A'...regular or minus...doesn't matter which."
"You have a 'C' right now."
"But I WANT an 'A' in this class."
"Ok, you need to do the work over the next ten days."
"Can't you just GIVE me the grade?"
Snort! "Uh...no."
"Here, look at this. I did it in ten minutes. It's good, right?"
"Yes."
"See, that's why you have to raise my grade on the (Odyssey) project. It may have looked like it was only a few minutes of work, but see how good it can be?"
"You got some of the information wrong, your paper wasn't proofread, AND...you even misspelled my name, the name of the book, AND the name of the main character. That's alot to get wrong for having two weeks to work on it."
"That...that is not the point."
"It isn't?"
"No. The point is that I need an "A", and you should give it to me!"
"It's not going to happen."
"BUUUUUT THAAAAAT'SSS NOOOOOT FAIR! If I don't get an "A", I don't get my car. I WANT my car!"
"This isn't helping me to change my mind."
"Look, why can't you just let me have the "A" now? Do that, and I'll be good until the end of the year."
"Be good until the end of the year, and you MIGHT earn that "A"...maybe."
"You're mean and this isn't fair. This is because I'm black, isn't it?"
"SIGH. No. It's because you don't turn in work. It's because you talk to other class mates rather than listen to me."
"Huh? Are you talking to me still?"
"Thank you for proving my point."
-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I echo Michele. I tolerate the kids.
I tolerate the kids.
I tolerate the kids.
I tolerate the kids. (Only ten more days.)
Repeat and breath.

How You Know I'm Stupid

For the past two days it has been warm. Very warm. Some might even say it was hot.
"It was so hot I saw a little man in an orange robe burst into flames!"
Ok, maybe not THAT hot.
So how do I know I'm stupid?
I've spent the last three days up to right now gardening with my wife.
That's right: I've been outdoors the whole time planting trees, plants, and more. Built a fountain, dug a trench, Planted way too many plants, weeded, and more.
Was it fun? Sure.
Am I cooked like a Thanksgiving Turkey? Most definitely.
Have I done any grading? Um...next question.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Ok, quick ramble:
1. Congratulations to DeRusha and the funky fresh WCCO crew for becoming number one in the ratings. Yes, I'm a week late, but it's the thought that counts. Plus, I'm a viewer...sometimes. Here's hoping for another successful year.
2. The Pope went to Auschwitz. It sounds like the start of a really good joke, but it's actually real. There was a fantastic photo of him standing in front of the gates staring into the camp on one of the news stations. It was almost as if you could hear his mind going, "Oh I remember this place. The memories...."
It's ironic. The man was a part of the Hitlerjunge, and now he leads the Catholic world. Who knew God had such a great sense of humor. Strike that: I've seen a Platypus up close. Still, do you think there's a little irony in him visiting? Just a little?
Plus, do you think maybe the Vatican is doing a little damage control because this new pope is not really well liked? (You try following John II, the Revenge.) He goes to Auschwitz, meets with a Rabbi, and maybe the world says, "Hmm...maybe he's not such a bad guy."
I'm just saying....
Ok, that's it. Happy Memorial Day (Oxymoron) and Happy Birthday Jolene.
Namaste.

Ramblings: Memorial Weekend Edition 2006!

Woooo. I got nothing. It's Memorial Day Weekend, folks. My brain is partially shut down, but many things I saw today got it going.
So, without further ado: DO YOUR WORST!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Anderson Cooper...is a girl:
Ok, not really. However, I have some issues with, and I quote one of my colleagues, "The most trusted news anchor IN THE WORLD!!!"
1. In the current issue of Entertainment Weekly, the man admits that he watches and records (No, I will not use "TIVO" as a verb) My Super Sweet 16. What?! This man is delivering important news about the Pope at Auschwitz (more on that later), yet he goes home and watches a show about rich girls whining about needing Bengal Tigers at their parties? He needs THAT drivel? I don't know a single guy who has ever really stopped and watched that show. HE RECORDS IT! I hope he's being sarcastic.
2. He cried at Katrina. Anyone else cry? Anyone? Oprah, even?
3. He wants an "Ice-Capades version of his life" done. Again, hoping for sarcasm here. Wanting an ice show starring Elvis Stojko as "The Hip News Guy," is a little scary. Then again, so is the fact that I know who Elvis Stojko is (Thanks Sister #1).
4. A VERY Real Quote: "Going gray is like ejaculation. You know it can happen prematurely, but when it actually does, it's a total shock."
Ok, maybe it's unfair of me to pick on the guy. There are many people in the world (and I can't believe people have this much time) attempting to "out" him. My issue? I couldn't care less if AC (Not to be confused with OJ's buddy) is gay. I'm just shocked that a serious news anchor can let himself go so far as to watch a horrible MTV show. Next you'll tell me that Rush Limbaugh is a huge fan of The O.C.
What do you mean he is?
Sigh.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What the HELL happened to NORMAL NAMES!!!!!
Ok, so Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie had their baby. Yeah...I guess. It's a girl, but get this name: Shiloh Nouvel Jolie-Pitt. Shiloh? Shiloh?! Ok, it's a dog. See the book jacket? It's a freaking dog! My sister (still Sister #1) also informed me it was a battleground as well. What the hell is going on with people and crazy-ass names?!
You want examples?
Frank Zappa named one of his kids Moon Unit.
Chris Martin and Gwyneth Paltrow had Apple and Moses.
Jason Lee (of My Name Is Earl) named his kid Pilot Inspektor.
Penn Jillete may have the best, however.
Kid #1 is Moxie Crimefighter. Kid #2 is Zolten Penn. Zolten, by the way, was the name of Dracula's dog.
It's not just celebrities who are coming up with crazy names to torture kids throughout their lives. When I first started teaching, I had a girl in my class named (Oh, I really wish I was kidding) Leukemia. Spelled JUST LIKE THE DISEASE! I asked the mom the one time I got to talk to her, "How did you come up with the name?" This was the response:
"I heard it in the hospital, and I thought it was just so pretty. What, don't you like it?"
I was dumbstruck. I just smiled, nodded, and pretended a colleague called me over.
Navaeh is now popular. That's "Heaven" backwards (but if it's a boy, I would name it Lleh....Yes, I am a nerd).
There was a girl in my Master's program named Sierra Ciara (Both said the same way). Why would you do that to your kid.
Look, I get that giving your kid a really unique name means that NO ONE else will have it, but there is such as thing as creating major issues. My mother used to joke with her sisters that they would name the first of their kids "Crud" just to hear their mother say it. "Hello, Crud." They didn't do that, however. They realized it would totally alienate a kid. Pilot is a great name, but imagine how much that kid is going to be razzed.
Am I saying you shouldn't try to give unique names? No, but have common sense.
That being said: If I have a son, his name will be Rangers Mets Leab after two of my favorite teams...or maybe Mister Leab Leab, just to confuse people.
If I have a girl, her name will be Princess Leia Leab, because who could ever forget it. That one tops my original thought: Rose Bud Leab.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pretty Kitty:
I am nowhere near the photographer that Margaret is. However, every once in a while, I manage to stumble upon a shot that I think other will like. Ms. Sopheava put out the challenge to see if there was a cat cuter than her kitten. Slightly unfair as kittens are almost always adorable versus adult cats. One reason why my Ex wouldn't take the one cat was, as she said, "adult cats are boring and ugly." I disagree, but I digress. This is my neighbor's cat, Mork. He likes to come into my backyard and hide in the Lilacs for shade. I was weeding today and discovered him there. He didn't move. I think he's adorable.
Eventually, I hope to get some nice shots of my own cats, but for now you'll have to look at Mork.
And finally:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
The Anger of a Teacher:
I get along with everybody. It's really hard, but I somehow manage to stay on most people's good side. That being said, one of my colleagues really pushed me last week.
I had a bad week. I was feeling slightly down, very hot, and a little frustrated. My students' grades are starting to tank. They aren't taking the work seriously here in the last weeks, and it's hurting them badly. One student dropped from a B to a D-. Turn in no work, fail a test, and don't show up...and that's what happens.
Now, I gave the kids a project to finish The Odyssey: Draw a comic, act out a scene, or modernize one part.
The kids didn't take the 150 point project seriously and most bombed the presentation as well as the work.
I felt guilty. It had me believing that I was failing as a teacher. After all, if I were a good teacher, the students would be doing well. Of course this ignores the fact it's a two-way street, but remember: I was tired.
So I'm feeling bad, and I start to think: Maybe I need to concentrate on the kids who want to work and allow myself to be available for the kids who don't care, but not concentrate on them.
I talk to this colleague who shares many of these kids, and he says to me, "Usually it's a teacher who has been around for ten, fifteen years that quits on their students."
Here's the rough part: He repeats my feelings...to some of my students. Now I have a few kids flipping out at me and believing that I don't care about them.
Thursday and Friday were a crisis period. I was angry at myself, my colleague, and my students. At one point, I actually stopped one of my classes and explained to them why I was disappointed and how their projects were not good. "I'm not going to sugar coat it: Your projects were not very good. There was very little heart put into them. Most of you look like you did them at the last second. Most of you got the information about the story wrong. Most of you can't even listen to each other."
This caught their attention.
So I ask you students, teachers, former students, former teachers, whoever: Am I overreacting to my colleague? Am I bad teacher for feeling that I may need to concentrate more on the kids trying than the kids not trying?
Am I just being stupid?
I don't know.
Have a good holiday tomorrow.
Namaste.

Ramblings for the Evening (05/23/06)

All day I thought it was Wednesday. I was so excited to think the week was half over. Now imagine my disappointment when I figured it out. Not a good thing.
Let's do this....
So, without further ado: OH GREAT STEVE!!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Pat Robertson...is Superman:
Hear me out. I'm not a big Robertson fan, but check this out. Pat Robertson can leg press 2,000 pounds (Take that Madeline Albright and your 400 pounds). That's one ton! The man can press a Toyota! "How?" you ask. Well, it all has to do with his energy shakes (which you can buy at his website...but it's for God...yeah...God).
So, here's my plan. If Pat Robertson can leg press one ton, then he can be like Bruce Willis in Unbreakable. Wait, hear me out. He can go around righting the wrongs on this Earth. He doesn't like how Homosexuals are adopting? He can use his mighty legs to jump to all the places where they are adopting, and then kick them off the continent. Wait! He could kick our illegal immigrants away too!
How about this: Robertson, Tammy Faye Messner (nee Baker), Benny Hinn, and Jerry Falwell create a SUPER TEAM!
Robertson's powerful legs could be used to kick the enemies of Jesus!
Tammy Faye could use her eyes to take down criminals!
Benny Hinn can knock over any man, "With the power of Christ!"
and Falwell...well, someone has to be the brains of the operation....
Throw in Willie Ames as Bibleman and we're ready to fight the evils of hardcore liberalism, homosexuality, and even...other sects of Christianity!
Any thoughts?
Look, either they form this team, or I want a "Circus of the Stars"-type show. I want to see Robertson do this press. And it has to be all at once, none of this, "I did 10 reps of 200 pounds which is 2,000." Nope. All at once, and several reps. Let's go, holy man. Show the world.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Happy Birthday Rex:
It's been said. Moving on.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Regrets...I've had a few:
Regrets are horrible. Several of the other blogs I read have been talking about regrets they have. I have a few (I am, after all, only human). However, I don't let those regrets run my life. One blog I read (sorry, not naming this person) has been talking about how these regrets are coming back and not allowing this person to live his/her life.
I want to give some advice to the person:
Having regrets is fine. Allowing those regrets to dictate your life is not. Everyone makes mistakes. It's a part of life. The issue is that you have to be able to say, "Damn, I made a mistake." Then, you have to pick up the pieces and go on to the next thing. Why do we fall down? So we can get up.
Allow yourself to see the mistakes, but don't allow them to blind you. You had a bad relationship? That sucks, but it's over. The past. Keep going.
You told someone something you shouldn't have? Apologize and go on.
There's a story I like to tell that illustrates my point.
When I was applying to colleges, I made sure to make college visits (you have to see the school before you decide). When I went to St. Louis to check out Washington University in St. Louis, I got a campus tour from a guide who said (and I quote), "I can do this whole thing blindfolded. I know this place like the back of my hand."
We started the tour and came upon a part of the sidewalk that was cracked. Without looking he managed to miss the crack. Good for him. However, a few feet after that was another crack that must have been new. Our guide was concentrating on one of the gals in the group when he hit the crack with his heel and tumbled. Ten minutes later, he did it again. After that, he walked forward the rest of the time, but still managed to talk in a way we could hear him.
I bring this up because when we regret, we look back on what has happened and ignore what is or will happen. We're walking backward in the darkness on a path we don't know.
Regret should be like that prom dress or tuxedo you own. You have it, but you only wear it occasionally.
That's all I got. I hope it helps.
Namaste.

Did you see this article in the Star Tribune? It's brilliant, and it's funny because it's true! My neighbors and I have already had a vigorous discussion about it (they disagree...and the word "transplant" was used when explaining how I can think the way I do).
The other way I know that sarcasm is lost is in my recent post on MN Speak (and I have no problem saying that since management turned over the site has REALLY changed). Yes, I did in fact make mention (as I did in a previous post here) that I find it ridiculous that our government passed this law and that they are using it to show they can actually get things done, but when I made mention of education, the roads, and such, I was being sarcastic. I know what our government has and hasn't done. My issue is that they are proud of the fact they passed a meaningless bill that will be impossible to enforce.
I don't like talking about politics, because it brings out the zealots who attempt to nuke the conversation to win instead of listening and trying to understand others' viewpoints. Sigh.
On with the ramblings.
So, without further ado: BUT I LIKE A COOKIE!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Week in Review:
I love being a teacher. There are days when it's harder than passing a kidney stone, but I love being a teacher. There are some really rewarding days when the students get into it, and we rock and roll. Then there's this past week. Over five days, we had one good one and four bad ones.
The students have checked out. We have four weeks left, but the final week is essentially finals, so we really have only three weeks left. My students couldn't care less, and the teachers tell me, "Don't teach anything new, because the students won't listen. Don't set them up to fail." My teachers beat the crap out of me until the final bell. We learned new information in my world history class the day before the final...and then had to write an essay on that info. I'm just glad I listened.
As I said, somedays are bad. It's not that every class is bad, but one bad class along with two other indifferent classes (or three if you get coverage) can just make it a rotten day.
Here's the summation of what destroyed me last week:
1. Students going on vacation early. The students have a final project for The Odyssey. They have to work in groups and give a presentation to the class. They're freaking out (and they should, it's worth 200 points and can either help or destroy their grade). I'm being a very benevolent dictator and giving them time in class (everyday last week) to work on the project. Most are screwing around and not working. I'm not going to be lenient.
However, the issue here isn't their lack of work ethic, but the fact that some parents are going on vacation now and taking the kids with them. I have 110 kids I work with over the course of a day. Twenty-five are missing class during the course of this week. Some are already gone and won't return until after Memorial Day (So close to the end of the year? What are these parents thinking?), while others are leaving on Thursday or Friday.
I get that parents get short vacations and need to take them when they can, but I've got one parent whose kid is failing (I mean getting an "N" folks....We don't use "F" anymore.), and he is pulling his daughter for the whole week. She's missing the project. She can't get a partner (I'm letting her work alone), but I don't see her doing the project on the 30th. They are setting her up for failure. I have a back-up plan for her, but is it fair that she does something else because her parents want to go to the Bahamas?
2. Students feeling "Springy". Here's a tip to all my students who read this (I know a few of you do): If you skip my class on a test day, and I see you screwing around either in town or outside the school, you don't get to make up the test. You can beg, you can attempt to bribe, but it ain't happening. I have one student who decided that she wasn't going to take my test because it, "was a nice day," as she told her friends. I was told she, "was sick." Oops. Even if she was sick, I shouldn't have seen her attempting to ollie (jumping with a skateboard) outside the school at the end of the day. If you're so stupid that you think your teacher won't notice you as he or she is leaving for the day...when you missed a test, you deserve that zero.
However, that's not the only Spring issue. I had to boot two kids the other day because they were shoving each other around the room. When I wrote them up, they started begging so they wouldn't miss the dance.
I had another student refuse to move away from a girl and instead wanted to be sent out (and thereby suspended). I booted him, and he didn't even go to the office, just walked off. Never a good idea.
I get that in Spring, most kids minds go...uh...loopy, but holy hell, folks. Some of these kids are down right idiotic. "I'd rather be suspended than move one seat." That's just idiotic. He just wanted an excuse to miss class (he's going to fail, sadly).
The ultimate, however, came from a student WHO BIT ME. She was mad, so she grabbed my hand and bit it. She didn't break the skin, but left teeth impressions that stayed for two days.
What is wrong with these kids? It's Spring and their horomones and such are out of control. Hard to teach with that happening.
3. Non-caring Teachers. I get along with most of my colleagues. There are a few who have issues with me, but I don't care. However, some of the teachers have checked out for the year. Their students are wandering the hallways, coming to my class instead of their own, and these teachers don't care. It makes it hard on the rest of us.
Sigh.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Movie Theatres:
I still believe in going to movie theatres. I do. I really like sitting there and watching the film on that big screen, but it's difficult at times when the audience is obviously not used to it or doesn't care about it. The other night my wife and I went to the AMC movie theatre in Maple Grove. It's a nice facility with large screens and clean spaces. That's good. As we sat in the theatre waiting for the previews to finish, I looked back at the projector room to see two guys yelling at each other and pointing at the projector. The film strip was too dark. It was obvious that the bulb in the projector was broken and needed to be changed. They stopped the film and started to fix it. The film was supposed to start at 8:05, but didn't start until 8:40 (they had issues). What angered me wasn't the theatre, but the audience. The management apologized for the trouble and gave out coupons. The audience turned on them, yelled at them, and then demanded their money back...but be allowed to watch the film. There were a bunch of teenagers trying to be cool and making fun of people, even going so far as the throw stuff at them (ice, popcorn, and later change). On the other end, however, there were parents with kids yelling about bedtimes. They just sat and bitched. Yes, that is their right, but come on...who does it help? Just relax and wait. It's not that hard.
On a side note, I did find it interesting that one of the teenagers who was posing (yes, he was a poser to the nth degree) was afraid to use the urinals in the bathroom. There were five urinals open (I was at one end) and he went into a stall. You can't be a tough guy and then be afraid of the guy at the urinal, Senor Poser.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Picture is worth how much?
They say a picture is worth 1,000 words. This is from a story in the New York Daily News about the NRA expo that was held in New York recently.
There is so much I can say about this, but again, I try not to talk about politics and such.
I can say two things:
1. Dennis, I've got your next photo caption contest.
2. Is anyone else disturbed by that fact that she's in a Bjorn and attempting to grab a pistol. Do you think there's some guy out there who looks at this picture with a girl and a gun and thinks, "Oh yeah. A few years from now...she's mine," and then...uh...does something naughty?
Hope you've had a great weekend. Summer is coming as is graduation.
Namaste.

Has It Really Come To This? (5/19/06)

The Minnesota House of Representatives passed a bill 114 to 17 that would levy fines on minors caught buying or renting M or AO rated games.
Bill SF0785 "prohibits a person under the age of 17 from knowingly renting or purchasing a restricted video game and prohibits an owner of a retail establishment or an employee from renting or selling a restricted video game to a person under the age of 17." Violators would be fined up to $25.
The bill has already passed the Minnesota Senate and could become a law by August 1, if Governor Tim Pawlenty signs off on it.

So this is what it's come to? We need to pass a law to stop kids from buying or renting the "wrong kinds" of games? Come on! Seriously?

This is ridiculous. It won't work, folks. The more you make it unacceptable, the harder these kids are going to try and get these games. The fine is $25. That's nothing for some of these kids. If they can shell out $600 for a PS3, do you really think $25 is going to stop them? Why are we wasting our time? This isn't going to solve anything. Great to see our tax dollars at work, isn't it?

The Definition of Ironic: Random Edition I

I wanted to post this yesterday, but I got really busy.
There are so many times when I wish I had a camera with me (I'm not Margaret...or like most MNSpeakers), but this is too perfect to not talk about this morning.
I drive home on 94W everyday. Sometimes I take 394, sometimes I just go to Dowling Ave, and sometimes I go down 55. A multitude of ways of getting home.
Back to the point. As I made my way toward the Lowry Tunnel, I saw two cars pulled over on the side of the road. Two men were standing nose to nose and screaming at each other. Traffic was slow enough (because of YOU DAMN RUBBERNECKERS) that I could see this. It looked as though a major fight was going to break out.
Now the reason why this is ironic is because above these men was the Minnesota Public Radio electronic sign which flashes the headlines of what the people on MPR are talking about that day. As these men are standing toe to toe ready to battle, the sign flashes to its new headline. I look up and it says:

Road Rage Down in Minnesota.

Pink Bats

I find it fascinating how Major League Baseball put out pink bats for all the players in honor of breast cancer.
In case you don't follow sports, all baseball players were given pink baseball bats to use today. The bats are going to be auctioned off for charity with the proceeds going to breast cancer research. This is a noble cause. However, according to a few different sources, only a few baseball players across the WHOLE league used the pink bats. Oh, they used them during batting practice as they were required to do so. They had to use the bats in order for the "game-used bat" tag for the auctions not to be a lie. However, only a few players used the bats during the games. Some readily accepted them, but others, well...they flipped.
Now, you may ask, "Why is this important?"
Because the reasons these guys won't use the other bats are amazing to me. Here are a few.
1. A player on the New York Mets (my favorite team) said he wouldn't use the bat because he wouldn't look good. The pink bat would be fodder for his teammates to make fun of him. Regardless of the fact that these guys are adults and being paid millions and can deal with thousands of people booing them, they can't take a little ribbing from teammates?
2. Superstition. A player for the New York Yankees said he couldn't use the bat because he knew it would end his current hitting streak. If he was to switch the bat, it would give him bad mojo. He also can't touch the first base line when he runs off the field.
3. Weight. This one I understand. The bats are made by a specific company. If you use the bat, it's weight may be different from what you're used to and can change your swing. But...baseball is a game of minute changes. You have to adjust. So, if you don't do well on your first at-bat, you can change for the next. Still, I can understand how changing equipment can be a problem.
However, the real reason many of them would not do it is....
4. Fear. Fear of being called a homosexual or made fun of. I'm not kidding. Ask Torii Hunter who said, "My dad is watching and I know what he would say." (Look at the Fox 9 news clip.)
Even though our society has grown a great deal, homosexuality is still not accepted in ANY sport. Pink means you're a girl which, for many of these ball players, makes them "queer".
They are afraid that people will say, "Hey, Hunter is gay because he swings a pink bat."
Maybe I'm overreacting, but come on. It's one game and it's for a good cause. Can't these guys overcome this fear for one game?
Can you defend this? Sure. Maybe it's because they need their bat (the superstition thing or the weight thing), but if you're a ball player and you wouldn't use it because you're afraid it makes you "gay", you need to grow up.
This just shows me I shouldn't write when I'm tired.
Plus I owed you a short post because my last few were too long....

Happy (sort of made-up) Holiday!!!

Yes, it's Mother's Day. The one day of the 365 and 1/4 days in a year that we are supposed to celebrate how fantastic our mother (or mothers or grandmothers or whatever) are.
I am not a fan of this holiday, nor is my own mother. She and I are of a like mind about today: It's a day that has been pushed by companies as a way to make a ton of money.
Now, am I really saying that you buying your mommalah flowers for today makes you a pawn of "The Man"? No. It means that you love your mother...but you feel you have to give a physical manifestation of that love.
Let's start at the beginning.
There is a historical background to Mother's Day, believe it or not (Look Here for proof). Yes, the Ancient Greeks did celebrate Rhea, but notice that it really isn't until only 134 years ago that someone went, "Hey, let's celebrate the mothers for all that they do!" Less than a hundred years ago (1914), President Wilson stepped forward and said, "National Holiday for MOMS!!!"
That being said, it's only been the last few years that stores have REALLY pushed the "Buy it...for MOM!" aspects of this time of year. I was in Brookdale Mall the other day (sadly), and a jeweler (I won't name the store) followed me across the outside of the store trying to explain to me why I needed to purchase a $3,000 necklace for my mom. "She did raise you, you know," was his plea.
As I said before, if you bought something for your mom or you sent a card, that doesn't make you a pawn. It shows you love your mom. That's great. For me, I just don't like the aggressive campaigns.
YOU forgot to buy your mother a gift?! How dare you spurn the woman who only went through HOUR UPON HOUR of labor FOR YOU!!!! You will burn in HEEEELLLLLLLLL!!!!
You get the idea.
This year I bought my mother and my sister (who is a mother as well)...nothing. I also bought my wife's mother, grandmothers, and aunts...nothing. I wished them well and told them, "Have a happy Mother's Day!" I think that's enough. Why? Because why do I need to give them something to show how much I appreciate them for being a mother? Is that what we have become? It feels like the conversation goes like this:

I love you!
Do you really? Then why don't I have a new cell phone?
Because love is something that shouldn't be turned into a physical item...it's a feeling.
Really? Because Jeff bought his mom a Hi-Def DVD Player. He loves his mom enough to spend $1,000. Besides don't you expect gifts on your birthday? This is the same thing. You're giving a gift to show how you love her for all she's done.
But why isn't it enough for me to say, and on more than just ONE day I might add, "Hey Moms! You are so vital, and I thank you so much for all you have done," to them? And why am I celebrating other moms besides my own? I get why I thank my mom. I get why, if I had a kid, I thank my wife, but why is it that I suddenly have to give a gift to my wife's aunt who I have only known for six years and really didn't do anything for my wife other than be related to her? I don't like being told I'm a bad person because I just called my mom and sister and said, "You rock, dude!" Oh, and I don't expect anything on my birthday. I don't even get upset if people forget to call. It's just a day...like any other. My wife's parents for the last three years have called her on the wrong day (twice the day after, once a week late). She doesn't care.
This shows me that you don't care. Your wife's aunt was there and may have given advice. Plus she has survived two children with issues. Have you? No! That's why you do it.
Because she's a survivor? Then let's celebrate all survivors! Holocaust Day...with cards. National Day of Recognition for Burn Victims...with salve! Look, I'm sick of all these "days"! We have a day for pirates, a day for secretaries (which should probably be administrative assistant day, but whatever), and even a national PET day! Come on! If I was bitter, I would ask where National Teacher Day is. I mean there are cards for secretaries, but nothing for teachers.
A-HA! That's what it is. You're bitter about not being recognized.
No. That's not it. I don't care about that, because that would be a made-up day done only to sell merchandise. You want to recognize your teacher? At the end of the year, thank him or her for all the work they have done to help you. Don't bring an apple. Don't bring a card. Just say, "Mr or Ms or Mrs. X. Thank you so much for everything." Back to the point now. It's the same thing with Father's Day. There they pimp golf clubs and such. It's really less about showing appreciation and more about getting goods sold. You want to make a good mother's or father's day? Give them the day off from work on a weekday and allow them free entrance to places they can go with kids.
That's just as bad. You're saying that people who AREN'T parents should have to work. That's discrimination.
Maybe, but is that any worse than trying to make someone feel bad because they didn't spend hundreds of dollars on someone. I recently explained to a woman in Williams-Sonoma that I would be buying NOTHING for Mother's Day. Her reponse was, "Wow, you really don't like your mother, do you?" Why is that the decider?
I could go on and on, but you get the point.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
So, what am I doing for Mother's Day for my mom? Well, here it is:
Mom. Happy Mother's Day. I love you very much. Of the course of twenty-seven year, you have been an amazing guide and teacher in all aspects of life. I know that they sense of humor I have is because of you. I mean how many people out there truly can make jokes about the language used by Shakespeare (booge)? How many people can turn easily from laughing about someone's 13th car crash to having an intellectual discussion about Quartos and Octvos (which I can't spell)?
So, Mom, in honor of this (sort of made-up) day, I present one of my favorite stories about our escapades (instead of icecapades).
New York, August of 2001. My wife and I are visiting my family in New York. My parents, in honor of my wife and I being newly married and having our first trip to my home as man and wife, decided to have a very nice and very fancy brunch at the Plaza Anthenee Hotel. This was five-star dining, folks. Very chic and very expensive.
As brunch went on, my mother and I started discussing my old high school and its plans to get money from alumni. It seems that the school had created a new department called The Office for Development of Alumni Relations. It was known as ODAR (pronounced Oh-Dahr). My mother and I were feeling punchy, so we started riffing on ODAR making it into a he and making him into an intergalactic villain out to get money. As we kept playing and laughing, the people around the room turned and stared at the two people (that would be my mother and me) with red faces and tears streaming down their faces who were laughing loudly. My wife, bless her, was utterly embarrassed. How dare I go to an extremely fancy place that Donald Trump, of all people, dines at, and act like a buffoon (she would learn over the course of the years)! It got worse. The name of the dinnerware was Alumicron. That set us off again. ODAR's nemesis became Alum-icron. I don't think my mother and I have ever laughed so hard as we did making up stories about the two men and their battles. My family began to ignore us in the hopes that we would stop. At one point my father and my wife both said, "We are in a NICE restaurant, you two...grow up." We ignored them.
The reason this story resonates with me so strongly is because it is the perfect representation of the relationship I have with my mother. She raised me right. I like to believe I'm polite, respectful, and such, but she also instilled in me a wicked sense of humor (of course this was possible because HER mother told her, "YOU will have a child just like you." Little did she know....). My mother and I can help each other out when we need help, but we also make each other laugh. When my mother is down or upset, I know what to say to make her laugh. When I was worried about teaching and whether I would be good or not, my mother was able to help and make me feel better. She's awesome.
I love my mother. I have no problem admitting it. All through school, I would hear kids talk about how much they hate their moms and how their moms did not understand them. I never had that problem. Maybe it's a third-child thing...I don't know.
So, Mom, happy Mother's Day, and thanks for all the fantastic things you have done and taught me over the years. Who knows, maybe I'll have a child just like me one day, and the three of us can laugh together.
But wait, there's more!
My sister is also a mother. She has a very precocious toddler (who is in the "TERRIBLE TWOS" phase of her life). My lovely sister will not admit this, but she is a good mother. She has managed to keep my niece alive for two years now. Beyond that, this child is very smart and very outgoing (it's adorable...really). Sister One has managed to raise this child while maintaining a career as a journalist and editor. It's quite amazing to see her balance the career.
If you need proof how much my sister loves her daughter, this story will illuminate:
It has been raining on the East Coast for several days now (not unlike here in Minnesota). My sister wanted to let my niece get a chance to run around, so they went to an indoor gym. MJ (my niece) is only two years-old, but she loves people. She runs up to boys in particular and tries to play with them (and sometimes hug them). MJ went and started playing near some older boys (who were around 11 or so). They decided to destroy the fresh meat and shoved my niece off the structure. My niece got up and went up again, only to be shoved again and get a bloody lip. My sister, seeing all of this, ran in to save the day and called the boys on their bad behavior.
"Apologize for what you did, please," she said to them.
"Fuck off!" they replied.
My sister kept her cool. In the old days before MJ, she would have made those boys disappear and got away with it (she is an evil genius). Instead, she told the boys they were being bad and not polite.
Upon seeing this, the boy's mother came over and attempted to Springer my sister.
"You don't talk to my boys! I'll take you down, bitch!" (Yes, this woman did have the full-on female mullet.)
My sister, again, kept her cool. Management had disappeared (of course), and the woman REALLY wanted to throw down. My sister calmly explained to the woman that her boys had bloodied my niece's lip and how they needed to have more self-control. She made the woman see that she needed to be a parent instead of a friend.
My sister and niece left that gym and returned home to play, but I'm very proud of my sister. In becoming a mother, she has learned amazing self-control. Much like all the kids in my family, my sister has the "ANGER" gene. We get passionate which is only a step away from full-on-anger at times. She has learned to control her feelings (much better than even I have). That's why I'm so proud of her for what she's done with my niece. It has been very difficult balancing her life, but she has done it and done it well.
So, to my sister, happy Mother's Day. You are a spectacular mother. Revel in it. It's rare I give compliments.
And if you're a mother reading this, have a good day.
Namaste.

Conference Time

So, post number 300. Woooo.
It's conference time again. That's right. Yours truly will be sitting in the cafeteria all by his lonesome watching as zero parents come to talk to him. It's true. Not a parent has signed up to talk to me AGAIN. Sigh.
I've decided to do a live blog from the actual conferences. Yeah for you!!!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4:13
I've been here for ten minutes now. One parent has already stopped to talk to me. This was my only signed-up parent (The list changed this morning). Great conversation. I heard all about how Student X's dad can't make it because of gall bladder surgery and etc. Just what you want to hear.
On the plus side, I actually have a sign this time...and my own table. Spacious...for a freaking cafeteria.
The parent sitting near me reeks of salmon...I kid you not. I guess that's mean, but I'm also really sick, so I don't care. It's also a million degrees in hear. A little man in an orange robe just burst into flames. Ooops, that might have been in poor taste.
Sadly, this almost feels like an episode of 24.
I'm waiting for Jack Bauer to call me.
So, things that happened this week. Well, Prom is over. My understanding was that it did not go well. ne of my colleagues showed up for pictures (as he usually does) and he did not enjoy himself. Still, he got his picture, which is what he wanted.
Several students came to me on Monday and expressed their displeasure. You have to understand, I have hall duty outside the nurse's office everyday at 10. If I don't show up, STUDENTS COME LOOKING FOR ME IN MY OFFICE! The other day I was ten minutes late due to a meeting, and I was given hell for it by a few students. "Mr. Leab! How dare you come late!" they yelled at me.
Back to the point, It seems that I am supposed to always be available for crisises and such. These kids seek me out to discuss all of life's problems. I'm not upset by it, but it does lead me to wonder what the point of an in-school counselor is. If I'm helping students with understanding the "why's" of life, what are the counselors really for?
For example, a senior came to me today to discuss why he/she isn't upset about graduating. "Is it bad if I don't care if I see any of these people (other students) ever again?" Thus starts a lengthy conversation where I am supposed to be the guru. Every conversation feels like it needs to be prefaced with, "This is just my opinion. Nothing more, but....."
Hang on, another parent....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4:30
I just met one of my advisee's parents. They are "Stone Cold Rockers" as I was told.
My colleague to my left just mentioned that he is now "too fat" for his Santa Suit. That's hysterical! How can you be TOO FAT of the suit? Awesome.
Anybody read the Pioneer Press yesterday? They had a huge ad in the paper for the St. Paul Teachers...
Hang on a minute.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
4:40
Wow, a teacher being told, "You rock!" by a parent is very odd. Oh well. Back to the story.
There was an ad thanking the St. Paul teachers for all their work. I was in there. Hey, my school keeps forgetting about me, but the district? They are well aware of everything. My wife, who never reads the paper, heard about it from one of her colleagues.
"Hey, your husband was in the paper!"
"What didn't he tell me about?" my wife says with a sigh.
"No, no. It wasn't anything bad. He was thanked."
"I'm sorry...thanked?"
"Yeah, he was thanked for being a St. Paul teacher."
"Huh....His school can't remember him, but the district sure does."*
*Yes, I did in fact crib my response from my wife's. However, I am admitting it, therefore it is not plagirism, and I cannot be sued. Besides, my wife would only get money from me, which is also hers, therefore it becomes a lose/lose situation.
Wow, there are no parents here tonight. None. At the last conference, there were parents galore, but they were probably worrying about colleges. Now, with the seniors leaving very soon, they must not care anymore.
My colleagues are freaking out about my writing. One of the other teachers who really doesn't like me keeps coming over to see what it is that I am writing.
"Better not be about me, Leab."
I feel bad for him, he was the subject of a student prank that went really awry. They attempted to create a MySpace account and put all sorts of nasty things on it about him. A few of us (including myself) came across it and told him. The response was that the student who did it was shut down. The site is now gone, but it brings up a problem:
I have a blog that is my own and definitely me, but what happens if my students turn on me and decide to try something like that with me? Will I be able to defend myself? Could I be fired?
Of course, I don't believe my students would do this. Do they read my blog? Sure, every once in a great while, but not religiously (I don't think anyone reads this religiously anymore...that's not a bad thing and I'm not complaining, just noting).
Hang on a second.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5:05
Just had to explain to a parent that the student will probably fail the class because he/she (won't say which) has turned NOTHING in this quarter. There are only five weeks left (though it's really four as the last week is used to finals and such), but this kid is convinced he can make it on a D. Sigh. When I was younger a D was horrible. It was worse than an F. F meant you totally didn't get it. D meant you could understand, but you just really couldn't or wouldn't do the work. It's sad really. I got a D in Archaeology my Sophomore year of college and I felt guilty. Really guilty. Maybe it's just me, but I KNEW I could do better. I felt I was a failure.
During my Master's, I got a B in one class, and I flipped out. Here were my colleagues all graduating with perfect 4.0 GPA's, and I had a 3.93. It shouldn't but it REALLY angered me. I felt it would look bad when I went to look for jobs.
Uno memento
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
5:50
Wow, I got hit by parents of kids not in any of my classes.
"Oh, YOU'RE Mr. Leab....My kid LOVES you."
Oy vey.
I did have a few kids in my classes come by. The best so far? One parent who started with, "I'm not happy about her grade. What are YOU going to do about it?"
Sigh.
Oops, hang on a minute
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
6:30
I have a deaf/hard of hearing student in my class. His parents are freaking out about him being in a regular class. I spent the last 20 minutes trying to explain to them that he's fine. The mom isn't sure. She thinks 1. I'm nuts, and 2. That her son will fail. I tried very hard to assuage her fears. It's difficult. She is so concerned that her son is going to fail because he is deaf and the other students aren't. That being said, she actually praised me at the end of our meeting for not expecting the kids to read all of the text on their own.
Did I explain to her that I don't have enough textbooks and that's why I don't send the book home? No, but I probably should have.
Back to the other parent for a minute.
"What are YOU going to do about it?" she asked.
"What would you like me to do?" I replied.
Parents seem to hate this. Her face got that "I'm going to kill you, bastard" look on it.
"Well, why is she failing? What haven't you done?"
"Well, Ms. X, she hasn't turned in any work this quarter. There are only five weeks left. It would help if she turned SOMETHING in."
"Well have you been reminding her? Have you kept on her?"
"Yes. She also has an assignment log that she is supposed to keep filled out. Did she tell you that?"
A small shake of the head.
I continue.
"Did she tell you she has folder that all of her work?"
"Uhhh...no."
"Ok, that's fine. It means that she hasn't been sharing her work with you. Start asking her."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
It's the end of the night. I had a parent show up at 7:00. Annoying, but dealt with easily.
I'm going home and eating dinner.
Hopefully this gives you a nice idea of what we truly feel and do at conferences.
Namate.

Bauer Power

Aziz Ansari is actually quite a funny guy. Check him out over at his website.
Now, I don't really watch much TV anymore. No, it's true. My students can hardly believe it. "How can you not watch TV, Mr. Leab? That's impossible!"
Well, I do actually watch a few shows, but the only one I never miss is 24. Now this season of the show is...well...not so good in my opinion. It's got tension, but it's also predictable and sometimes way the hell out there (I'm a federal agent who hijacks a plane...sigh). That being said, 24 has taught us many things about life. Thus I present Aziz Ansari's comedic writing about a great show.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
7 Ways to Use the Lessons of '24' at Work.
Comedian Aziz Ansari on how to get ahead following the rules of CTU.
By Deborah Netburn, Times Staff Writer
April 11 2006

1. If your boss catches you shooting heroin in your office, just say its part of your cover. If he says, "What cover?" Yell "Federal Agent!" and tackle the crap out of him.

2. If you are sleeping with a beautiful European woman, be careful - she is probably a terrorist/assassin that is using you to get information to kill her next target. Continue sleeping with her, you may be able to uncover valuable information that could stop the assassination from happening!

3. Sometimes you have to kidnap your co-workers kids to get stuff done
Lazy Co-worker: "Look Aziz, I can't get the report done by Tuesday."
Me: "Oh really? Well my men* are holding your children."
Lazy Co-Worker: "OKAY! I'll have it on your desk first thing!!"
*This reminds me, you should probably hire "some men," they are quite a useful asset. You can find great ones on Craigslist for an affordable rate.

4. If you get arrested, no matter how large or small the crime, just pretend like you have some valuable information and agree to give it up only under the condition you are given full immunity signed by the President. Don't worry they'll get him on the phone.

5. Don't be afraid to go rogue - if you think your bosses orders don't make any sense, ignore them and obey your own. In the end, your actions will be proven correct and you'll be praised for having the balls to break protocol. And not only that, at some point you'll get to steal a co-workers car!

6. If your bosses orders REALLY seem ridiculous, then chances are he's working for the enemy and your workplace has been compromised. This is when you want to inform everyone in the office that you are carrying a loaded gun. You may also want to bring "your men" into the situation at this point.

7. Is there a secure room in your office that you want to access, but can't? Find someone who does have access and cut off their thumb. (Note: Only use this tactic when the room in question is locked by a thumb scan. Actually do it anyway, its good to practice.)

Aziz Ansari is a comedian based in New York City. He recently won the Jury Award for Best Standup at HBO's US Comedy Arts Festival in Aspen.

Ramblings for the Evening (04/26/06)

I hate testing time. It ALWAYS seems to be testing time (Thanks NCLB!). Sigh.
Justin, stop biting your hands. Yeah, you heard me.
All right, let's just get to it.
So, without further ado: JESUS NEVER PUNTS!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Airline Intrigue:
Anybody read USA Today? I do. I like the pretty color pictures! Ok, so I get it to balance the Pioneer Press and Star Tribune (it falls almost right in the middle). I've said it before: I read about six newspapers a day, as well as multiple blogs. I like to read. My students don't get that.
So, two days last week being dedicated to MCA testing (Hate...it...so...much), I had the chance to really dig over every single word of the paper more than once (usually I read only a few articles more than once). A few days ago, the business section of the paper discussed the amenities of the airlines. Almost NONE of the airlines give food or headphones for free. It's insane. Most airlines charge $5 for a sandwich. Are you kidding me? A sandwich? I can actually get a better sandwich for less at Panera Bread. Headphones? Hey, they're $3 a pop. Sigh. I actually bring my own, but, funny story, the last time I tried to use them on a plane, the attendant tried to take them away. I'm not kidding. She pulled them down from my head and said, "Sir, you cannot use those on this flight. However, if you wish to listen to the movie or music, I can give you a headset...for three dollars."
I think the only thing louder than the jaws of the passengers around me hitting the floor was my, "Yeah...right, lady!" That's proposterous. What's next? "Sir, did you bring that food on the plane? Yeah, I'm going to have to take that and make you watch as I put it outside at 35,000 feet. Have a nice day!"
Even better is the fact that Airbus (at least I believe it's Airbus) is adding standing room only seats. Padded backboards with belt buckles. Wow, do you get a drink with that?
Look, I hate flying. It's not the turbulence or the fear of crashing (Lord knows after all the near-misses and not so near-misses, I'm not scared of that anymore...just can't sleep on a plane). No, my issue is with the other people and the fact that it's like taking a bus in the sky. I prefer trains. Seriously. The best part of being in Europe a while back was taking the train to get around. It was fantastic. I truly wish we had a system like that here. I don't mean the current Amtrak system. I mean the bullet train that goes 300 miles per hour. I would go from here to New York by train. I would.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Stephen Colbert:
The man is hysterical. That's how I feel, whether you agree or not. I don't know how you feel about him, dear reader, but he consistently makes me laugh. Ever since the report he did on whether or not Prince Charles was gay (see the pic on the left), he has never stopped being funny. Over the weekend he was hosting the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I couldn't sleep so I flipped around and found him on C-Span (don't knock it...it's a good channel). It was the end of the dinner, and Colbert was giving the keynote speech. It was hysterical, but the crowd...never laughed. At least the audio wasn't good enough to hear a single laugh. As he roastd the media, the administration, and such, there wasn't a peep. The only laugh came when he bit his thumb (if any of my students are reading this, you should get what that means) at Scalia...and the judge returned the gesture.
Colbert ever had a movie where he tried to escape from Helen Thomas and her incisive questions. It was brilliant. The crowd? Hated it. They were silent. It was as if Colbert stood up there and extolled the virtues of Hitler. Sigh.
Humor is a dying art. No one appreciates a sutble ribbing. If you don't watch The Colbert Report, you need to start doing it. It's smart humor. Very smart.
That being said, Mr. Colbert, should you ever read this. Make sure you point out that USA Today mentioned all the stars who were at the dinner...except you. They never mentioned you sir. Apparently they don't like your truthiness.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Prom Time:
Hey, hey: Prom is on Friday night. Am I going? No. Was I invited? Sadly, for the second year in a row, yes.
Last year it was a guy and a girl. This year? A lovely senior asked me. I guess it would have been a lark to show up...but I love my job.
That leads to the next question: Would I chaperone? That's a tou....NO!
Granted, if I did chaperone, I would show up in my tux (I have a Humphrey Bogart tux with the white coat and black pants), but it ain't happening folks.
The reason I bring up Prom is because I am amazingly shocked at how much people will spend on this ONE NIGHT. If it were a wedding, it's one thing. That's an event that's, sadly, designed to be lavish. But Prom is just a dance. One girls told me that the whole night will cost her almost $1,000. WHAT!!!!? That's insane. INSANE!
I asked her to explain the breakdown. The money went to:
The limo
The dress
The hair
The nails
The tickets (which are now $75 this week...mine were never that expensive.)
The shoes
The boutonnière (The guy's lapel flower for the uninitiated.)
That comes out to 1K. Oy vey.
What's worse? That doesn't take into account when they go into more than one. One of my seniors is going to three proms. THREE! Holy Moses, dear readers. That's frightening. Crazy, even. She'll spend almost two grand to head to these proms.
I also look at these places that now allow you to reserve a dress and let others know it's yours. Wow. Don't buy that dress, Melanie! Jamie already got it.
Sigh.
Maybe it's because I'm a guy. You just need a tux, a corsage, and the ability smile over...and over...and over. Oh, and to pay for dinner.
Look, it's a dance. That's it. People make it into way too big of an event. My ten year high school is coming up. I talked to three people (basically to tell them I'm not coming and will probably never return to the school...ever) and all three didn't mention Prom. If Prom is the end all, be all of your high school career...there are issues, folks. I'm just saying....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Doe! A Deer...in my Yard:
My neighbor came over tonight to thank my wife and I for babysitting (She has a toddler who thinks I'm funny...stupid kid...just kidding...sort of). As we stood there talking about how great the kid is and the such, we heard a noise, like someone traipsing through my lilac bushes. We walk around to the back and there, standing in my roses...is a large doe. Both of us froze.
There is a moment when you see an animal, no matter how harmless it is, where your brain goes:
"Holy crap. Free food."
Just kidding. It goes:
"Holy crap. What do I do now? Hmm. Options...now!"
Then you start playing out the scenarios.
My neighbor and I stood there staring at the deer, and she stared back. Here's the issue, however. My neighbor's car was against the other side of my yard, which meant the only way out...was through us. The deer stood fast and quiet for a few minutes (and chewed on one of my plants), then, having had its fill, it wanted to leave.
The doe...moved toward us. My neighbor bolted. I just stood there as the doe bounced by me. Deer are fascinating creatures in the way they move. This doe was obviously afraid of me (most people and creatures are), and she bounced by me. It was beautiful.
Maybe I'm just sappy.
And finally:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Confusing Bumper Sticker:
Ok, dear readers, I want your opinions on something here.
As I drove home tonight, I read a bumper sticker that read "Republican for Voldemort".
What does that mean?
Is it a Liberal ripping on Republicans saying they would vote for evil?
Is it a Republican saying that he/she likes Harry Potter?
You tell me, dear reader.
Until tomorrow...or later,
Namaste.

I'm a Bad Monkey

I know.
I haven't been posting lately.
All I can say is sorry.
I'm just trying to find the time right now, which is REALLY hard.
With the seniors charging toward the end, Spring in the air, and students trying to shut down on me, I'm having a hard time getting online to write.
I promise it will increase, but it will take time.
I'll have a lot to talk about, but, again, it takes time.
At least the show is over.
Namaste.

Conversations with my Wife (4/18/06)

The wonderful thing about talking to someone you love and trust is how it illustrates life's foibles and little feelings.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Thanks alot."
"What did I do?"
"You woke my up last night."
"I did?"
"Yeah! You got up and went to the bathroom (and I warned you NOT to drink two bottles of water before bed). That's when I woke up."
"Do you know why I got up?"
"You had to pee...duh."
"Keep your voice down. You'll wake my parents."
"Sorry. Wouldn't want THAT to happen. I can hear your dad snoring. Nothing is going to wake him up."
"Sigh. I got up because you burped in my face."
"What?"
"We were facing each other and at, like, two a.m. you burped. A nasty burp that smelled like...maple sausage. How could I sleep?"
"What? Come on. That's not true."
"It is too! You burped in your sleep."
"I've never heard of that happening before....Quick, call a doctor, this is amazing."
"Seriously, it was gross."
"Sorry, dear, but come on...it's kinda funny."
"I'm so going to kill you in your sleep one day."
"I love you too."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"Did you see the article?"
"I did."
"How do you feel about it? Isn't it sickening?"
"A little, but I've seen worse."
"Such as?"
"Enron, for starters. Or how about Northwest?"
"That's different...."
"How? Those companies either went under or are near it, yet their executives were given cash hand over fist. Your company is still doing well."
"It's different. We did not have a good year. These guys didn't earn over 100 percent raises."
"That's your opinion."
"It's fact. We did not have a great year."
"Ok, ok...I give."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
"It's just not fair."
"What?"
"No one flirts with me anymore."
"Bullshit."
"No. The last time was a few years ago. I can remember it."
"No, dear. It's just that you've become a married person. You don't see it anymore."
"People don't flirt with me anymore. But you, well, women are grabbing you at conferences."
"Is that what this is about? Come on. Women don't find me attractive, they just see me as a viable option. It's a bunch of teachers. Most of us aren't...uh...hot as it were. That Van Halen video? There are no teachers that really look like that. Our job kind of destroys us."
"You move your buddy, you get flirted with. You go to the conference, you get flirted with. You stop by work and my colleague calls you, 'yummy.' It's not fair."
"Honey...honey. Do you really want people to flirt with you? Do you want to deal with trying to explain to someone, 'Sorry, been married for five years now. It's awfully sweet, but I'm taken. Besides......I hate it when guys flirt with you."
"That's because you're insecure."
"I'm short, fat, and not very good-looking. I got you on my charm. Charm, much like looks, can fade. I worry that you'll one day wise up and walk off."
"I won't go. You have to stop that."
"You say that now, but feelings change. People change. Isn't it enough that I think you're beautiful? That I love you with all my heart?"
"Of course, but you have to love me."
"I do? I kinda got the idea it was a choice."
"Nuh-uh. Till death do us part."
"That wasn't part of our vows...."
"Don't get smart with me."
"Sorry, professor."

Ramblings for the Evening (04/16/06)

What a lousy week....
It's been long, full of surprises, and, well...odd.
Nothing like holiday time to bring out the crazy in people. Go Jesus!
Sigh....
So, without further ado: THAT WOULD BE...CA-RAAZZYY!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Meeting Normie:
Last week was the final home game for the Minnesota Wild. It was a great game. The home team won 2-0 over the Chicago Blackhawks and included a goal from a player who then turned around and beat up a Blackhawk player. As Veilleux was carted off the ice (he was tossed), he gave the entire crowd a "raise the roof" move which, of course, made everyone cheer louder. It was awesome.
The highlight of that evening (for me), however, was not the game itself, nor the atmosphere of the place, but literally running into the junior senator from the state of Minnesota. I'm talking about Norm Coleman. As you'll recall, I knocked down the former mayor of Saint Paul at the first game. This game, well, it was Norm Coleman. A friend of my wife was in a suite (lucky duck) and invited us down to join him (used two of his cohorts' tickets). Well, neither one of us had been on the suite level, so we decided to go.
After ten minutes of checking out the suite (very nice, but...it didn't feel right), I was...well...bored. It was all engineers, and they started talking about work. If I really wanted to hear about stents and such, I would go out to lunch with them. I walked out and started back to the elevators to go up. I was yelling back at my wife who kept asking, "Wait...where are you going?" I kept yelling back, "I'll see you up there when you're ready to come back."
Wham.
In my idiocy, I walked into some older gentleman in a suit.
"Holy crap! I'm so sorry. Are you ok?" I asked this guy.
In a polite southern accent, he responded, "It's all right, though most people walk so they can see where they're going, not where they've been."
"Sorry," I responded. "When I lived in New York, I was able to feel people coming. Since coming here, that's gone."
"New York," I hear this eastern accent say. "Where in New York?"
I spin on the speaker to start to answer...and it's Normie.
"Manhattan." I respond.
Over the course of the next two or three minutes, I talked to Norm Coleman about living in Minnesota vs. New York. Then he was rushed off.
When my wife came back to her seat, I told her the whole story. I talked about running the southern guy over (still have no idea who he is), and she sat there just saying, "Yup, sure, whatever...."
Finally, I said, "Ok, he was wearing a yellow shirt. We'll check the paper tomorrow and look for his picture. He'll be in it."
As if trying to help me, the scoreboard cut to the inside of a suite. There's some guy in a suit. "What the hell is this?" Some guy in the crowd asked. (This guy would go on to win a game-worn jersey...schmuck.)
As the camera moves forward, we see Norm Coleman.
"HA!" I say to my wife. "You didn't believe me."
The crowd, upon seeing Coleman, a person who was instrumental in bringing the Wild to St. Paul, booed him. It wasn't a smattering with cheers. No, it was a full on gaggle of boo-birds.
I found it fascinating.
Regardless of how you feel about Coleman (you either voted for him, against him, or you didn't vote), it was interesting to watch his face as he heard the crowd booing. He looked up at the screen, obviously seeing that the camera was on him, and half-smiled. Then he waved at the camera and got up to walk over to someone.
Do you think he's worried at all about what's the come in November?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Fish Bait:
Tom, better known as Admin Worm, has ended his blog. I'm quite sad at this. His rants were particularly inspiring and often interesting. I just hope that he'll stop buy and comment on here. His thoughts are always welcome.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
In-Laws:
My in-laws are in town for Easter (Goooooo, JESUS!). It's been...interesting. My father-in-law has tooth issues and is pain. My mother-in-law is passing judgement left and right about my wife, myself, and my wife's other family members.
Yesterday, my wife ditched me and took her mother to the spa, leaving FIL (Father-in-Law) and I to fend for ourselves. What did he want to do? Go to Lakeville and check out the motorcycle shops. It was fine (though...well...how do I put this? There was a great deal of Arctic Cat stuff, if you catch my drift...think ABC area.), but my FIL spent the entire time essentially opening up to me about life.
Then, last night, we headed over to friend of FIL. These two got extremely drunk and shared stories about hunting in Africa. Then, for an encore, they sat there and fired shots at me for my "liberal tendencies" and for "ruining America."
"But Leab," you're asking, "How are you ruining America?"
Glad you asked. Teachers aren't doing enough to earn our money.
Sigh. SIGH!
Moving on. I think you get the point.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Wasted Development:
On Friday, while students were sleeping or relaxing, I was at a meeting with fellow teachers. Let's move beyond the fact that HALF of the faculty was missing and get to the part where the speaker was a former middle school teacher who talked to us in a high-pitched baby voice. "Have you all finished your cards? Hmmm. Gooooood. I'm so proud of you...." Sigh.
The meeting degenerated from talking about school issues to becoming an argument between two teachers. They went after each other. Now, I had lost my voice on Wednesday, and it was barely coming back on Friday. Annoyed, I raised my hand to be recognized and said, "Look....Some of us have a wife, some in-laws, and a bunch of stuff to do at home. Can we cut the petty arguments and get back to real work, please?"
It was quiet. The facillitator started to talk again. I wanted out for lunch, dammit. How dare she try to keep us past noon when no breakfast was served. I decided to say something. I raised my hand again.
She called on me, so I said, in a dark rumbly voice (a la Charlton Heston), "Let my people GO!"
There was a moment of laughter. She had no idea what to do, so she said, "Ah, just go to lunch."
Like I said...waste of time. Though I learned alot more about which teachers hate each other. Good stuff.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Another Show:
Another show opens this week. I'm nervous. I did very little work as I was told by the director to back off and only help when asked. I did just that. I'm just nervous that some things my not come together in time, but I seriously don't have the time this upcoming week (it opens on Thursday) to help. I feel these kids are competent, but I'm still worried.
And finally:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Much Like Wine....:
Happy birthday, Sister #1. Much like wine, you're getting better with age. Yes, I know you're bracing for 40 (even though it's years away), but I hope today went well.
I'm very proud to have you as a sister.

Odd Night

It's late (for me to not even try to be asleep).
I've had a really odd night. Ran into people I would never even think of seeing normally (Yeah, I met Norm Coleman tonight at the Wild game. That was odd...more on that tomorrow).
Basically, I'm in strong meditation as I prepare for my in-laws visit for the holiday (Easter...not Passover, you silly geese).
Tomorrow, I will tell you about the game, my blogaversary (I threw a party...and nobody came...oh well), and more.
40 lines of R & J down, hundreds more to go.
Namaste.

Mail Mondays (04/10/06)

I totally and utterly forgot my own anniversary. No, no, not my marriage anniversary, but the anniversary of my beginning this blog. That's right, it's been one year. I guess if I forgot already, then I can just talk about it later.
So, I actually have some mail as well as some other stuff to talk about. I know, I can't believe it either. What can I say?
Let's get to the mail.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leab,
When you were talking about students talking smack about you and then needing your help....Were you talking about me?
Concerned Student #10

I got a couple emails about this, strangely enough.
Yes. I was. Today was just another example. If you truly have everything and want to talk about me, cool. Again, you don't get to totally and utterly go after me (and yes, seniors, I get that this is your last quarter. You have nine weeks, or maybe it's eight, left, then you get to leave), you better HOPE that it won't bite you in the ass. This is how it works:
When the bridge burns, I sure as hell am not going to be rebuilding it. Before you set that fire, you better think hard.
It's kind of sad, really. This year's Seniors were the first class I ever worked with as a teacher. I honestly love a lot of them (I'm using "love" here, folks), but with little time left before they go off to college, many of them are acting like I have nothing left to offer them. Wow, a man at least a decade older than most of them knows absolutely nothing? Good to know. Sorry, Dad, you got nothing left to tell me. Moving on....
Look, are all of them treating me badly? No, there are a few who actually have sought me out and asked questions about what to expect next year.
I said it before: I don't care if you rag on me. Go ahead, I am the authority figure. I don't care if you want to make fun of me to my face. I even don't care if you sit there and think the things I tell you about my life are crap. That's your opinion. However, you don't get to join the group, attempt to belittle my life, then come to me later and ask me how those stories shape a person's life. It doesn't work that way.
If you really think you don't need me anymore, cool. That's your opinion. Just don't come crying to me about life and say you need me again.
When the bridge is burned, I'll be on the other side. You burn it, you own it.
Eight weeks, kids. Make sure you know exactly where you stand before casting me (or any teacher, friend, or person period) aside. Think long and hard.
That's the best (and in some cases last) advice I can give.
If you need a second opinion, ask Jolene. She knows.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
That's really it for the good mail this week. The rest was...well...feh. I won't name names in any of my stories, so stop asking (students, directed at you).
I have to thank Dennis for this. The Easter Bunny video is one of the funniest I have ever seen. Go, see it, and enjoy.
Tomorrow, ramblings, and I guess a blogaversary.
Namaste.