Wild Vs. Canucks (10/14/05)

Wow, didn't this game already happen two days ago? Well, with the new scheduling in the NHL, rivalry teams (and teams within the division that have to travel far) will play against each other twice in a row. So, once again the Killer Whale Canucks stepped onto the ice at Xcel. Hopes were definitely high as the Wild had blanked the Canucks only two days earlier. With Roloson (and Cloutier) in goal again, things looked good. Unfortunately for Wild fans, no one can go undefeated at home....
For the first time this year, the crowd wasn't electric as the teams stepped on the ice. Sure, they cheered, but it wasn't like Wednesday night. Our boys played in their third jerseys (see right).
In the first period, it was all Canucks. Again, the total reverse of the game on Wednesday. The Wild gave up 13 shots and only took 1. Rollie the Goalie was on top of his game and only gave up a rebound goal to Anson Carter. At the end of the period, the fans are still optimistic that the Wild can come back. One of the guys in front me says, "The Wild do this all the time...no problem."
The second period saw a great deal of scoring. Walz bangs home the tying goal about 3 minutes in to the period. Derek Boogaard gets the first point of his career (congratulations). The Wild then get their first lead of the night on a power play goal by Bouchard. Still, the Canucks would keep coming back. They had an answer for every goal.
With the Wild up 2-1, Markus Naslund got the puck from Richard (Why did the Wild let me go) Park and fired a shot that went off of Scott Ferguson's skate and into the net. 2-2.
Park struck again 3 minutes later when he fired a long pass (that in the old NHL would have been a two-line pass) to Ryan Kesler. He fakes Roloson out of his skin and bangs the goal home up high. Two minutes later, however, the Wild are on a power play, and Brian Rolston lets loose his feared slap shot. The puck moves beyond the speed of light and gets by Cloutier (but doesn't pop out of the net through the back like when he was in Boston). Tied at 3, the period ends.
The third period, however, was all Canucks, all the time. Ricahrd Park put the game away for the Canucks with a beautiful wrist shot. If you've played and practiced with a goalie for a few years, it's not hard to get to know what he does right and wrong. Park knows Roloson's weaknesses, and it showed.
The absoultely worst part of the night, however, was the fifth Canuck goal. The (debatedly) most hated hockey player in Minnesota scores on an empty net. The fans who hadn't left (some had already...what's wrong with you?!) all boo in disgust and leave.
The final score is 5-3 Canucks. Former Wild man Richard Park is the first star with three hard-earned points. Remember: former Wild players Brunette and Park are who put Patrick Roy into retirement. Park is now on the Canucks, and Brunette is a member of the Avalanche.
There were also some interesting moments off the ice as well:
The "Let's Play Hockey" moment was done by Jeff Grayson. If you don't know who he is (and I honestly didn't), he hosts "Call of the Wild" on TV. No comments or allusions to Pawlenty tonight. Finally, a little over a week later, the whole thing is put to rest.
I, personally, knew we were doomed when the Wild went up 2-1 and some fans started saying, "Sieve." What did I say before, folks? If you do it at the wrong time, it jinxes your team. I was going to yell at these guys, but someone else who knew the whole process got to them before me.
Dutch Schnell...Goalie Racer. Yup, Goalie Racer. Only in Minnesota.
It's interesting to see how fast people can become fairweather fans. The Wild were losing, and the guys in front me start talking about the Vikings. Suddenly we're up two to one, and it's Wild, Wild, Wild. We the team was down 4-3, these guys said that if was that way with 10 minutes left, they would leave. It's one goal. What the hell are these guys thinking? And sure enough, they did leave, talking about the Bears and Vikings this weekend. Now, the Wild are pretty good this year. They've only played a few games, and they have a better record than Conference Finalist Calgary (take that Mike). If any of teams here lose a game, it's the end of the world. That's it for some of the fans. It's just not right.
Then again, what do I know? I'm the guy who thinks that the New York Rangers are still going to blow it. I could be wrong.
3 down, 38 to go.

Postponed

It has been a REALLY long day. So, due to, well, fatigue, I will be posting about the Wild game tomorrow.
Long story short, we lost.
Ok, until tomorrow.

Wild Vs. Canucks (10/12/05)

Great game. The Wild put the biscuit in the basket 6 times and Rollie the Goalie saved an incredible 33 shots for the shutout (two of those were without a stick as well).

Once again the Wild came out strong from the start. At three minutes into the period, the Wild were already on the powerplay when Zyuzin scored the first goal. Dan Cloutier, the Canucks goalie, (who will probably have a kink in his neck from the number of times he had to look in the goal to see the puck) was screened and unable to make the save. That would be the only scoring for the first period.

Many of the fans who had been to the first home game remembered that the Wild looked soft coming into the second period. Not tonight. The Wild came out hitting. Matt "Golden Boy" Foy showed that he was not only a hitter (blasting three Canucks), but also a scorer. With the Wild already up 2-0 thanks to a Chouinard goal, Foy banged home a powerplay goal to end the 2nd period scoring. This was his first ever career goal.

The thrid period, however, was the most exciting. Pierre Marc-Bouchard, who was called for diving (more on that later) came out of the penalty box to get tripped up while trying to score. You know what that means: Penalty Shot. The most exciting thing in a Hockey game. Everyone stood on their feet and cheered while Bouchard attacked the net. Using a beautious deke, he scored. Matt Foy would then get his 2nd goal of the game when he bounced the puck off the back of Cloutier. After Rolston made it a 6-0 game, the entire crowd was yelling, "Sieve!" Yet, for how badly Cloutier played, Roloson was amazing. He stopped every shot that came his way. He didn't misplay the puck once tonight.

Once again, there were some interesting aspects to the night both on and off the ice:

1. Joe Schmitt did the "Let's Play Hockey" moment. However, before he started, he made a comment about how, "The Governor showed me how to do this correctly." Many fans laughed at this.

2. There were some VERY questionable calls in tonight's game. The two linesmen and the two refs did not call several obstruction penalties on the Canucks. At one point, Bouchard was grabbed and thrown down by a Canuck player. He was called for Diving. It was a bad call. However, they made up for it with the penalty shot. Still, at one point Ruutu hit White in the face in front of a linesman and was not called for it. That's not ok.

3. Todd Bertuzzi. Everytime he touched the puck, the entire crowd booed. He is easily the most hated hockey player in Minnesota. They showed NO remorse. He even was jawing with some fans while he sat in the penalty box. The only person I have ever seen booed harder was Denis Potvin (if you know the Rangers/Islanders rivalry history, this will make sense).

4. Unruly fans...again. I had the same guys sitting in front of me again who tried to tell me to be quiet. I'm not kidding. I was cheering for Foy (see below), and one of them said to me, "You have to stop. You're too loud." Ok, if you don't want loud noises, don't go to the game. Instead of actually watching the game, these guys played with their cellphones. Ugh. Thankfully, the lady who didn't like me wasn't there tonight. Instead I got two very hardcore Wild fans (one of whom won the fan on the night). They were as loud as I was. Very cool.

5. Matt Foy. Our boy Foy scores the first two goals of his career. With Gaborik feeling better, I'm a little nervous that he'll get sent to Houston. However, if he can keep playing with this intensity, he's going to be a star. He can hit, score, pass, brawl. All he needed tonight was a fight, and he would have had the Gordie Howe Hat Trick (a goal, a penalty, and a fight). Congratulations Matt on your first two goals. Now, hit Bertuzzi harder on Friday.

There's just something about when the Wild play at home. They play harder and better. Then again, what do I know? I was the guy cheering too loudly in Section 222. I could be wrong.

2 down, 39 to go.

Fascinating

So, here's what so interesting to me:
A lot of my usual readers...have shuffled off to greener pastures. Granted, I now have people reading me in places I would never suspect (Honolulu?).
The other thing that fascinates me is that no one comments on the things I would expect. A few posts back I gave a lovely story about my posterior and the new mail person's hand. Nothing.
I put out the Smurf poster...nothing.
It just goes to show: You can't always predict what your readers want to see.
Off to see Wild/Vancouver tonight.

Damn You, SPAMMERS!

SIIIIGGGHHH!
I gave up folks. I went back over all of my posts and erased ALL THE SPAM COMMENTS. Do you know how many I had? 39. 39!!!! OY VEY!
So, though I tried so hard to be optimistic (which is tough for me), I gave up. I have attached word verification to my comment section.
Sorry that you have to do extra work now, but it was necessary.

God's Ok with Meth

Sigh.
So Ashley Smith originally said that she used God to stop her captor...and we believed her. Now, she says she also gave Brian Nichols some Crystal Meth to, "Calm him down." Uh-huh. Remind me, isn't Crystal Meth a horrible drug? Isn't this country at war with drugs? Shouldn't this woman now be punished because of her owning these drugs? Sure, she was held hostage, and she got a huge book deal out of it. Meanwhile, people dying of Cancer who smoke Marijuana can be arrested. Now, I don't know about you, but if she doesn't get in trouble for any of this, then there's a major problem. Either that, or it means that God is ok with Meth. God is apparently not ok with Alcholism (see AA), nor is he ok with other real substance abuse. Yet, this woman, who talked about how a certain book (no free plug for it here) and God helped her. Oh yeah and Meth too. So, this means that if I do Meth, I can still go to Heaven. Loop hole! Hoo-rah! Seriously though, if she is continued to be championed by people for being a great Chrisitan even though she used temptation to free herself, then it is more proof that religion is a crock that is now more about politics than spirit. In certain cultures, people will take a form of LSD in order to see God. Most Christians in this country look at that and say, "Oh that's uncivilized. If you truly believe in God, then you don't need drugs in order to see or feel him." Am I abdicating taking drugs? No, but I'm so sick of people bitching about how Marijuana is SO bad, and yet this woman who gave Crystal Meth (and let me tell you something, Meth is considered the WORST American-made drug now, because it's easy to make, easy to move, and when you're poor, it's cheap to have) is considered a wonderful Christian. You know what: The next time someone asks me, "What would Jesus do?" I'm going to respond, "Pot." Why? Because Meth can either calm you down or crank you up. Don't believe me, need something you can see? Go watch the film The Salton Sea, and you'll understand why tweakers are so crazy. I've never seen someone on Marijuana rip a desk in half. I've seen a tweaker do it. So, knowing how laid back Jesus was and how he had random comments about life, maybe, just maybe, Jesus was a pothead.
Then again, what do I know? I'm in the corner arguing with Vincent Van Gogh's self-portrait after taking a tab. I could be wrong.

Two Gays and a Jew Walk into City Hall...

(Before you question the title, read the blog.)
If you have been reading my blog since I began, then you know that the man on the left is my father. Yes, we (in my family) talk about how he is probably a secret agent for the American government (I mean the man is friends with spies, for cripes sake!), a brilliant professor, a caring father and husband, and, though I haven't mentioned this before, a pretty gruff Republican.
Though he looks pretty harmless, this not-so-mild mannered history professor was the former treasurer of the Republican Town Committee. He's also a high church Jew. What's that you ask? Well, my father is a pretty good with his faith, but there are no real synagogues near where they live now. So, he goes to the Episcopal church with my mother. As everyone else around him prays and follows the sermon, he reads the Bible. "It's chockful of sex, violence, and more," he's always told me. But that's not the point. Now, this is a man who I still look up to, even though he talks about how slavery could be returned (though not with a race aspect, more of a class aspect....Long story). So, what is about to happen is, to me, quite amazing.
My father is a Justice of the Peace. He ran unopposed in the town where my parents now live. (A small town called Washington which is just inside Connecticut.) As a Justice of the Peace, he can notorize documents (oh the power!), and he can marry people. You'll recall he and his wife were married in a civil union at city hall instead of at a wedding. Well, this man, a gruff Republican as it were, is going to be performing one of Connecticut's first gay civil unions. That's right: he's marrying two guys. Now, whatever you think of gay marriage, I am proud of my father. He is going against something he believes and is doing this act for a friend. Connecticut put this act of civil unions in effect only a few days ago, yet he has already been asked to do this. Is he worried? Actually yes. He's worried that he will become known as the gay-marrying JOP (or Justice of the Peace). I still think that he should get an Elvis, put in a drive-thru, and marry people Vegas-style. I'm proud of my father, because he is able to do something that many Americans cannot do presently: He is able to put aside feelings and do things with people who disagree with his views. He doesn't sit there and say, "You either think my way, or I'm outta here." Nope. He is one of the only Jews at Seton Hall University (a Catholic university), so he is able to do this. Perhaps we could all learn a lesson from him.
Then again what do I know? I voted for a guy with the last name "Hooker" for the Robbinsdale School Board, because I wanted to tell people, "I put a Hooker on the school board," and watch their reactions. I could be wrong.

Ramblings for the Evening (10/11/05)

It's a funny thing. My wife is in and out of town almost all the time now. She came back from Boston, then we went to Detroit, now she's in Boston again. I'm starting to feel like Kim Jong Il in Team America. So without further ado: "I'm so ronrey...so ronrey." (If you've seen the film, you get it. No, it's not racist.)
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Monkeys:
I've been thinking alot about monkeys lately. First, there was an escaped monkey in Detroit. Then I read Worm's post about Infinite Monkeys (Having seen that some scientist tried to see if monkeys with typewriters can make sense, I'm just more depressed about it. Bye and bye, the monkeys just pooped on the typewriters). Then my wife and I reminisced about the last time we went to the zoo. We decided to go to the Como Zoo. Yes, I know that zoos can be cruel and unusual punishment for animals, but they also allow children and adults to see animals up close that they may not see otherwise. Anywho, we headed to see the monkeys. Now, when we were living in Missouri (during college) we saw monkeys that actually flung their poop at people. It wasn't us, so it was funny (which is the crux of life, folks). These monkeys couldn't do that (there was glass in-between us), but while my wife and I were standing there, one of the monkeys (and I believe it was a Debrazza Monkey) was following my wife and kept trying to get her attention. It talking at her and following her where she walked. Now, being the good person that she is, Mrs. Leab stepped up to the glass and gave the monkey some nice comments ("How cute, etc"). Well, Mr. Monkey sure liked that, as he stood up and started pleasing himself. Yup, Monkey Masturbation. Anyone who needs proof that monkeys and man share a history, there it is.
So, we're laughing very hard, a older woman near us is making the Minnesota "Oooh" noise, and some parents are trying to rush their children out of there. The kids, at the same time, are asking, "What's he doing, daddy?"
To this day, I love that monkey.
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Michele:
I haven't heard from Michele in forever. I'm kinda sad. Really.
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Angry Alien:
If you're a regular reader of this little ole blog, then you know I love random websites that are amusing. This here website is quite funny. In essence, the author took famous movies, cut them down to 30 seconds...and added bunnies. Seriously. Check it out. Then, when you're done, go check out Happy Tree Friends, which I've pimped in a previous post. Deliciously disgusting and quite funny.
And finally....
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Death of the Smurfs:
Though quite a horrific looking scene, there's something kind of...funny about the idea that the Smurfs being ravaged by war. This picture comes from a UNICEF campaign on Belgian TV to teach kids that war can happen in even the most innocent places. Smurfette dies (meaning the village probably won't be creating any...new Smurfs for a while) and other Smurfs lose limbs. Now, why the Smurfs in Belgium? Well, The Smurfs were created by a Belgian artist named Peyo, so UNICEF figured that the national creation might speak to Belgians more than celebrities. (Quick, name three Belgian celebrities....) So, here are your questions class:
1. If you were going to use cartoon characters to illustrate a point about a social or political problem, who do you use and why? Now, some rules. You may not use Scooby-Doo and Shaggy for anti-Marijuana ads. That's just too easy. Notice I only said Marijuana.... Secondly, nothing too horrible. What's too horrible? Well, that's in the eye of the beholder...wink...wink.
2. Is this ad campaign going to work at all?
3. Could a campaign like this work here in America?
Send me your answers either using the comments section or to my email (see any Mail Monday, such as yesterday's to get it).
Have a good evening folks.

Mail Mondays (10/10/05)

I'm back from Detroit. It was...well...Detroit.
There isn't a a great deal of mail this week, so let's just get to it.
This letter came from a reader who honestly appeared (at first) to be a spammer. However, after reading through it, I came to learn that it was, in fact, a real person.
Dear I.T.
I really like your blog. (At this point, I'm thinking "Yup, spam...sigh.") You're idea of "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of the Inane" is quite inspiring. I was curious about a few things:
1. How do you come up with some of your ideas?
2. How long have you been married and what's your wife like?
Keep up the good work. It's fun to read.
Shun Tai
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I have no idea who or what Shun Tai is. It could be someone I know, it might not be. Like the name though. So let me answer your questions:
1. My ideas: Well, most of them come from my sad little life. Seriously. I also try to see how my family and friends live their lives and attach what they've done to real life lessons. Though, you'll notice, I don't really talk about my sisters that often or....
2. My wife: The sunshine in my often grey world. I love my wife. I've talked about our first date, but I don't know that I've talked about marriage. We will have been married 5 years this upcoming March. She's great. I am very much an intense person, and she balances me. I won't post a picture, because she has asked me not to (there are times when she says, "Oh God, please don't talk about me," but I don't listen).
What is my wife like? She's a much better version of me...with her own sense of being and humor.
Well, that will do it for this week's Mail Mondays. Feel free to write in anytime to ironicteachings@hotmail.com or just leave a comment.

Wild Vs. Flames (10/5/05) (Update)

Yes, I'm putting in an update to my post. I forgot to mention a few more things.
1. As we were preparing to enter the Xcel, my wife and I were forced down to shift to a different path because of the way the crowd was moving. As we worked toward the door, I accidentally bumped into this guy wearing a black Wild practice jersey. I had a good 30 pounds on him so he stumbled into the wall. I apologized, and he turned on me quickly, looked me up and down, and said, "That's fine. Just try to be more careful in the future." He then paused as if I was supposed to ask him something. I just said, "Yeah, I'm really sorry. Wasn't paying attention, just too excited, sir." "I understand," he repsonded and then smoothed out his hair and went on his way.
My wife told me this morning that the guy I bumped into was...St. Paul Mayor Randy Kelly. Yes, I knocked the Mayor into a wall totally by accident. She knew it was him because in-between the first and second period, Mayor Kelly presented the signed "State of Hockey" flag to the crowd (I was in the line in the men's room...the men's room, folks). The funny thing is that, according to her, "A lot of the people who were watching him, booed him when he was announced. What's that about?" I explained it to her this morning.
2. KQRS played a clip of Pawlenty's gaffe at last night's game. Usually I don't like to do this, but I would like to point out that you heard it from me first. Like I said, usually I don't dig for credit, but this is one time where KQ is saying, "You heard it from us first." Nope. Check the time log. 10:38 last night. I had it first.
3. Several networks were shocked (SHOCKED I TELL YOU) at how well the Wild contained the Flames. Apparently, CBC (Canadien Broadcasting) and TSN thought it would be a slaughter. My brother-in-law, who gets really into the Flames (he's the Flamer, remember?) was so angry, he almost ripped the arm off his chair. All I have is...HAHAHAHAHA.

Ok, folks, I am on my way to Detroit and will be there until Sunday. So have a great weekend.

Wild Vs. Flames (10/5/05)

Opening night. OH BABY! What a game. Beyond just the scoring, there were idiotic fans, a swearing Pawlenty (more on that later) and more.
As a season ticket holder, I plan to hit all 41 games on home ice to talk about the game as well as some interesting tidbits. First, I'll recap some of the game's best moments, then the quirky moments that happened (be it from the crowd or guest celebrities).
Tonight saw the Wild taking on new rival Calgary in the first of many games (due to the new schedule, teams will play other teams in their division more than any of the others). Calgary has been chosen by many different publications to win it all. That's right, for the first time since 1989, Calgary has been chosen to win Lord Stanley's Cup. The Wild, however, have been destined for...well...the future. Many believe that the Wild should have done more with free agency.
Tonight, the experts...were wrong.
The Wild came out strong. VERY STRONG. At the end of the first period, the Wild had outshot Calgary 16 to 3. That's unheard of for this team. Minnesota is supposed to be a defensive team, yet here they were outplaying the annointed "Best Team in the League." (Thanks Sports Illustrated!)
During the first period, Marc Chouinard got the scoring started less than two minutes after the first puck was dropped. It was a beautiful goal. Chouinard nailed a Daigle pass past Kiprusoff (who looked very human tonight after ruling the roost during the last playoffs). Brent Burns got the second goal with 1.5 seconds left in the first (Pierre-Marc Bouchard would get the first of his three assists here).
Everyone felt very confident as the second period started. Roughly 6 and a half minutes in, the Wild went up 3-0. Immediately, the fans were roaring (as they had been all night), but many now thought this would be a shut out. Well, Daymond Langkow ended that dream by scoring at the end of the period. Fans were now a little nervous during the break. What if the sleeping giant was finally awake? What if Calgary now came out and steam-rolled the Wild?
With the third period under way, the crowd was unusually quiet. Even when the announced number was 19,398 fans, the crowd was happy, but still in the zone of the game. At the 6 and a half minute mark (again), the Wild came through on Chouinard's second goal. This goal also saw newcomer Matt Foy (more on him later) gain his first point of his career. Congratulations Matt!
Still, the fans (some of whom were shouting, "sieve!") would soon be holding their collective breath. The Flames charged back with two quick goals to make the score 4-3 Wild. During both goals, the Wild defense disappeared. The hard-nosed play of the previous two periods evaporated. Roloson even let in one of the softest goals by Iginla. He just didn't move.
Thankfully, Todd White, one of the players acquired during the offseason, put the game away with a late goal. That sent a lot of fans to the doors. Chouinard added one more empty net goal to complete the hat trick (Yes, hats were thrown).
All in all, it was an awesome opening game. The new rules were easy to follow, but there were some very questionable calls (for both sides, but more for the Flames). Still, as great as the game was, there were some interesting off-ice activities as well.
"Like what?" you ask. Let's take a look:
1. The best moment of the night came when Governor Tim Pawlenty and his wife stepped up to the mic for the "Let's Play Hockey!" moment. After showing the crowd a bunch of kids that had joined us via sattelite, as well as the Bud Light party outside (which was ok, kinda crowded), the Governor was supposed to say, "So let's drop the puck and...Let's Play Hockey!" Instead, our governor fumbled. He dropped the f-bomb. Sure he corrected himself, but both his wife and he knew he made a mistake. It wasn't bad. Really innocent, honestly. Still he said, "So let's drop the fuck...PUCK (and this moment his eyes get really wide and his wife's mouth makes that 'O' people make when a mistake has been made), and LET'S PLAY HOCKEY!" Then, bright red, he hugged his wife and hid his face. It was hysterical. Obviously, the man is horny.
2. Some fans need to learn proper hockey etiquette and rules. For example, you do not start yelling "sieve," if you only have a three goal lead in the second period. First of all, that's bad form. Secondly, it's also a jinx. Seriously. It was after that the Flames came back. You have to score four unanswered goals. Then you can say it. Either that, or he has to give up five goals and you have to have a four goal lead (or three in the third) to be allowed to yell, "sieve." Seriously. I went to a Ranger game as a kid. They had a two goal (2-0) lead in the second period. The crowd started yelling, "seive" over and over again. Guess what happened? Game ended in a tie. That's why you don't yell it. It's a curse if it's at the wrong time.
3. Unpleasant fans aplenty. The people who sat next me refused to talk to me. I know they're season ticket holders, because they were there during preseason. They will not look at my wife and I nor will they even talk to us. No idea why. The people behind us, we talked about their 7 month old, the game, teaching, and more. The people on the other side talked to us about the 2003 playoffs. Even the annoying guys in front of us who showed up at the beginning of the 2nd period and left in the mid-third talked to us about the arena. But the gal and guy next to me were trying to give me Cancer with their minds. At one point I was drinking water, and the woman told me I was being too loud. Huh? I wasn't slurping, just sipping. There was NO NOISE. They left early as well.
Three rows back from me, a girl who was angry with a Flames fan near me, kept throwing peanuts. She hit everything but the fan. Bad form. The best, however, was the guy who couldn't wait for a urinal, so he peed in the sink in front of everyone. Huzzah.
Oh, and people, let me just say one thing: It's great that the team won. We're all happy, but stop with the horn-blowing. Seriously. When you're behind me honking for ten minutes then cursing at me because I won't do it too, honking more won't make me do it. Neither will shouting, "Hey fucker, can't you hear me. Honk, bitch!" Yeah, no. It's rude. Seriously. Rude.
4. Matt Foy. I have been cheering this kid since he was drafted. He's played in Houston for awhile, but during the 2003-04 preseason, he was phenomenal. Tonight, he scored his first point (an assist) and was a generally big body out on the ice (which the wild need now that Matt Johnson is gone). I really hope this kid stays up in the bigs. He moves very well and made only one or two rookie mistakes (gave the puck away once, should have had a goal, but didn't deke well). Seriously, watch this kid. Cheer for #83. He's great. He will be a force to be reckoned with in the next few years. Hopefully the Wild see his potential and use him correctly. Keep it up big boy!
5. The perks. The Wild love their fans, and they showed it tonight. Sure, they didn't really lower prices for tickets, but we got the following:
Free hotdog
Free chips
Free soda
A calendar
A mini Stanley-Cup
Free scratchers (most gave Hockey Lodge discounts, but one gave a free trip).
Free ticket for the night if you are a season ticket holder
A free fireworks show on the river after the game
And one hell of a greatly played game.
Still, I think my favorite part was Pawlenty swearing. He just looked like a kid who was in serious trouble.
Then again what do I know? I was the guy teaching a 7 month old kid how to scream "Screw you, ref!" I could be wrong.
One down, 40 more home games to go.

Ramblings for the Evening (10/4/05)

I love rain, but this is getting ridiculous. Up to ten inches? Well huzzah. If I wanted this much rain, I would have gone granola and lived in Seattle near my sister. Oh well. So, without further ado: HIT ME WITH YOUR BEST SHOT!
Hockey, Hockey, HOCKEY!!!
Yes, ladies and gentlemen, hockey is back. In less than 24 hours (22.5 to be sort of exact), the Minnesota Wild will be facing off against the Calgary Flames. I'm super excited (seriously...there's some shaking). My wife and I will be up in the second level with the REAL fans. It's nice to see that the Wild is trying to make up for the fact that they didn't lower ticket prices (in fact they went up a little) by throwing a block party. Now, here's the only downside. With Kellogg being essentially shut down at 4 PM, how much does it suck if you aren't going to the game and are trying to get around town?
Still, even though every major news publication is picking the Wild to be bad (Sports Illustrated said that they Wild obviously haven't learned that there are new rules), I am still excited to head over to section 222 and yell my head off. I also really hope the Wild beat the Flames as my brother-in-law is a Flamer (It's really what the fans call themselves...you gotta love Canada) and won't shut up about how they're going to win the cup. So, if any Wild fan is reading this, I call on you to "take out" (as you see fit) any Calgary fan that attempts to come to the arena tomorrow.
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A conversation between my butt and the mailwoman's hand:
Hand: Hmm, what's that?
Butt: Just a humble little butt. I'm just helping to pull some weeds out over here.
Hand: You look like you might be leaning. Perhaps I should put my hand on you to keep you upright.
Butt: Well, I'm ok, but I can't really stop you now can I?
Hand: Hmm. Now that I'm here, how about a little squeeze?
Butt: Whoa there. That's gonna make the head pop up and hit the mailbox and make some pain.
Hand: Oh, come on. What's a harmless little squeeze between friends?
Butt: Hey, I have no way to stop you, so go ahead. Just grab the right side, it's the better side.
Hand: No can do. The left is presenting itself to me, and I have to keep going.
Butt: Sigh. All right then.
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And finally
The DMV (Or Hell on Earth):
I really don't like the DMV. Even when I have something to read (Currently reading a wonderful book called How to Be a Canadian), the place is just horrendous. Honestly, if there is a hell, then it has to be like the DMV. Forget fire and brimstone. Imagine having to sit around smelly seniors, screaming children, and angry and vocal people for all of eternity (even the two hours for me today was TOO MUCH). So why was I there? Well, I had to renew my driver's license. Now because I live in Robbinsdale, I have to go to the Brooklyn Center offices in order renew the license (Robbinsdale only does tags). Three things happened while I sat there that made me think about how much I pity the people who work there, and how stupid most people are.
1. The Curser. A young gal was at counter 14 trying to do something with her ID. I was sitting near this counter, so I overheard everything. The conversation went as follows:
Counter Lady (CL): You need to have proof of identity, miss. Your old ID, birth certificate, that kind of thing.
Girl (G): What? That makes no sense. I wouldn't be here if I didn't need my ID.
CL: I can't give you an ID without something that tells me you are who you are. Sorry.
G: What the fuck? That's the stupist thing I've ever heard. Give me my motherfuckin' ID, bitch.
CL: Please don't swear. That's unnecessary. Bring in the proper ID, and I can help you.
G: (Very loudly) This is because I'm black, isn't it?
CL: (Suddenly nervous) No.
G: Walks away from the counter and returns with two guys, also black. This is the bitch.
Guy 1: You a fucking racist? Is that why you didn't give here the card?
CL: No, sir. At this point the manager comes over. I cannot give her an ID because she says she's that person. She has to show proof. That's what stops identity theft, or even terrorism.
Guy 1: Do I look like a terrorist? Does she?
At this point, the manager closes the counter and asks the group to all move to a private office.
The outcome, from what I could tell, is that the Curser did not get an ID. She screamed about the "Motherfuckers" as she left the place.
2. The Unattended Kid. A kid who was 3 or 4 was not being watched by anyone. He was just running around the entire place, pushing legs out of the way so he could run through the seating area. After annoying the old couple in front of me for ten minutes, the kid, who was obviously sick, turned and (oh how I wish I was lying) puked on the floor next to the woman's purse. Now, after doing that, he just continued to run around. No one came to apologize, no parents, or
anything. I ended moving because it smelled quite foul. Several of us told the people at the counter about it, but we never saw a custodian or anything.
3. The Angry Counter Guy. Wow, Jim at counter 4 was pissy today. Sure it was warm in there, and there were alot of people, but jiminy, there was no reason to cut my head off because I hadn't filled in the "county" box. I wasn't sure what to put. Was it Henn? Henne? Sorry. Then, when we did the vision test, he was mad about the way I put my head into the machine. Huh? I didn't realize that I wasn't supposed to rest my head on the black bar that says, "Place forehead here." Sorry that I follow written instructions. Sheesh.
Then again, what do I know? I actually stop at Stop signs. I could be wrong.

Mail Mondays (10/3/05)

Hey Kids, it's Monday. You all know what that means: Mail Mondays returns. Oh I can just see how excited you are.
Well, due to some fatigue on my part, we'll be hitting only one letter this week.
Leab,
I'm really curious. Why won't you talk about politics. You put little tidbits here and there, but you always talk about how you don't want to talk about politics. So why not?

Curious George

Good question George. Let's keep it simple: I think there are way too many political pundits out there talking about the way this country should/used to/will be. It's very frustrating. A great number of people who really have no objective views of this country sit there are bitch about how everything is the other guy's fault.
But it goes beyond that. Politics makes me sick. Instead of really looking at how things are going or just truly are, people hide blindly behind their party's ideologies. "Well if this guy says that's how it is, then that must be how it is." It's wrong.
If you really and truly must know my opinion, here it is: Liberals/Democrats and Conservatives/Republicans have screwed up everything. L/D: You have made it impossible to talk about anything in this country. Everything is now offensive. For such a relaxed group, you've made conversations sort of...puritanical. Hang on their C/R: You've done just as much evil. Beyond killing the Earth, you've continued the whole "scratch my back and I'll scratch yours" kind of politics. Interesting how the War on Drugs is still funded, but keeping kids from drinking...not so important.
The bottom line: You've all taken the Constitution, the Bill of Rights, and the ideas of the Founding Fathers and blended them into an inedible milkshake. Are there things that politics have done to make things better? Sure. Women's rights, minority rights, etc. That's great. Truly great. However, every event that happens now is politicized beyond belief. 9/11 has become the dead horse that's a skeleton, yet we keep beating it.
I believe that politicians no longer truly care about the people they are supposed to serve. No, they care about getting that re-election campaign money. Is it any wonder that people talk about how the 1st four years of the presidency is all about getting re-elected?
That, George, is why I don't like politics. A system designed to give the people a voice, has removed the people almost entirely.
Then again, what do I know? I thought that the hanging chad was an old friend of mine dangling from a balcony. I could be wrong.

On a final note, Ironic Teachings will be sporadically posting over the next few days due to prior commitments and such.

An Open Letter to Cable Channels

Dear Various Cable Channels,
I am extremely disappointed and perplexed by many of you. Your programming choices have become...boring or pathetic. I will, of course, cover this in a moment. Having insomnia means that you find ways to pass the time while you're not sleeping. For me, when not reading, I glance around at various channels. So let's take a look:
1. MTV: For shame, MTV. You're known as Music Television, and yet, you NEVER PLAY VIDEOS ANYMORE! It's all Real World and other crappy reality shows that the world doesn't need to see 24 hours a day. When I was a kid, you played edgy and awesome videos. I no longer had to just listen to the music, I could see a story going with it. Guns 'N' Roses' November Rain, for example, had this whole thing with a funeral and a wedding. It was awesome. Then slowly, but surely, you started replacing your videos with shows that touted teenagers being teenagers. You took away the videos in their entirety to show screaming teens talking about how much the love the bland host of the show. Then, you committed the worst sin of all: You created a second station that was to play videos all the time. Why? Because your main station was essentially stopping. WHAT!? A channel dedicated to music videos could no longer play them?
How could it get worse? Well, then you took most of the videos off MTV2 and replaced them with repeats of the shows on MTV. Essentially, there are no videos anymore except at random times when no one would see them. However, your not the only one guilty of this....
2. VH1: Ok, I now your the bastard step-brother of MTV, but you have fallen under the same sway. It used to be that I could turn to you for music. Almost anytime of the day, I could click over and there would be a cool video. No more. You, too, have started the MTV plan. Instead of music, we get schlock like My Fair Brady, Breaking Bonaduce, and other reality shows that are way over played. You ever listen to a popular radio station (such as KQRS), and that station plays the same song everyday all the time? It's annoying, isn't it? Well, that's what's happening to you, VH1. You and MTV have now given up on the whole video thing. The first video played on MTV, if I'm not mistaken, was Video Killed the Radio Star by the Buggles. Well, I may not be the first, but I will add my two-cents: VH1 and MTV have killed the video star. Both of you, however, are not alone in moving away from your programming....
3. G4TV: This is a channel, "for gamers." They show video game reviews, clips, etc. Suddenly, the channel is moving away from that. Now, I understand that you need to keep your viewership, but certain things don't add up with your new programming. Most video gamers are either nerds or wannabes. Seriously. Sure there are some "cool" people, but the hardcore gamers are not social creatures. The channel that is dedicated to gamers is now showing Fastlane, a failed Fox cop show starring Peter "I wish I had Tom Cruise's career to go with his looks" Facinelli, and Bill "This show killed my career" Bellamy. It didn't last long on Fox, yet it's on G4. What does it have to do with games? Nothing. Same can be said for The Man Show. Instead of showing these two shows that have nothing to do with gaming, here's my suggestion. Obviously the channel is marketed toward men. How do I know? They use Jenna Jameson for some promos. If you don't know who she is, look it up. Instead of shows that have scantily clad women, just start showing porn that is game related. You're a cable channel, you can do it at night, and the men will be happy, because they can see real (or at least bared) breasts. Seriously. Think about it. Stop teasing these little gamer guys with scantily clad women that would have nothing to do with them.
Also, you need to hire people who look like they actually play games. Having a former model host a show about games reiterates a fantasy that many of these guys will never have fulfilled: A lot of hot women do not play video games. Sorry. It's true. If you are one, congratulations: You're a minority. Oh and being satirical about your own station, not funny. You are the people who make the reviews. You can't pick on yourselves for the way you review. It's not funny and it makes no sense. If you don't like the way you're doing it, change.
G4, you're not the only channel guilty of miscasting and bad programming. One channel that I used to really like is ultimately guilty of bad programming taste. I'm talking about....
4. ESPN. Oh man, you have fallen SO FAR! Once upon a time, you were the preeminent sports channel. You had the days' scores, interviews, and more. The problem is that you have A. Turned into sophmoric idiots, and B. You've now put out shows that, well, shouldn't exist. Let's start with A.
I once saw Charley Steiner crack up on the air. It was really funny. Why? Because stuff like that didn't happen on the air. The men and women of the channel were serious reporters who had the occasional funny nickname (thanks to Chris Berman), but they never left their professionalism outside. The current crop of anchors seems to be failed comedians. I want to know who won the Red Sox/ Yankees game. I don't want to hear lines from Schwarzenegger films yelled when a ground ball is hit. I don't mind enthusiasm, but I really don't like how this is treated now. It's almost as if sports is second to what these guys can get away with saying. I never thought Kilborn was great for yelling, "Jumanji" whenever someone dunked. Yet, many people did. Now, instead of guys that are interesting, I feel like I'm watching high school students make boob jokes on camera. It's boring. These guys don't give an air of professionalism. Again, it's that feeling like they're failed comedians. I expect to see Dane Cook giving me the scores soon. These guys are like a failed fraternity.
I also believe that it is because of how you treat sports, that current players only care about getting on the show instead of playing the game. Sure, it's great when Michael Vick runs for 60 yards on one play, but it's not good if he's doing it not to win, but to get in the night's highlights. Basketball players are the same way now. Forget that pass, I need to dunk over this guy so they'll show me.
Now, as for your original shows. Some of them are ok. Around the Horn, though it feels fixed everyday as if you know way ahead of time who's going to win, is entertaining and sports related. Pardon the Interruption is also fun to watch, because it deals with sports news in an interesting way. But things like Tilt (and I'm sorry, but Poker is NOT, NOT, NOT a sport) and Playmakers are interesting, but ultimately I don't want to watch a drama when I'm looking for sports. Plus, you pulled Playmakers, which you advertised as "daring," because of pressure. If you're going to do it, do it all out. Still, most people, when looking for sports, don't want to watch a drama with a guy doing drugs or whatever. We just want the scores. Don't give me that whole "Well we made a channel for that" speech. You were started for that reason. Stick to what works.
If you really want to know why people now go to the internet, it's because they can get what they want without all the crap you throw in with the info. I want to see who won, cool, it's right there. No snarky remarks, no annoying comments, just the information on who won and how. I can also watch replays online. Same thing with music videos or game reviews. It's time to start making it worthwhile to watch again, because soon society will put you behind and go to their computers. And then where will you be?
Then again what do I know? I'm the guy watching the Food Network at 3 AM, because Rachel Ray makes me laugh. I could be wrong.

Dared

All right, ladies and gentlemen. I have been officially "dared" to write a nice piece about everyone's favorite photographer: Meridita. Now, I don't really now how much writing in this space constitutes "two pages," but here goes.
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So the question on the table is why does Ms. Meridita truly "rock." Well, this does not have a simple answer. Let's begin at the beginning.
Meridita: The Photographer
As anyone who has seen her work (and if you haven't, dear reader, I highly recommend you go and check out her work) can tell that she has a knack for it. I believe it was Ansel Adams (though I have been known to be wrong) that said, "A great photographer sees the world not only with his camera, but also with his heart and his soul." I look at the pictures that Meridita takes, and I can see the person behind the camera. Look at her photos of Minneapolis as the sun is setting. You can see that world is a palette.
When she turns the camera onto human subjects, her eye still has a clarity. Look at her self portrait in the broken window. The fact that her head is hidden is not only to hide her identity to the viewer but also shows a keen insight into humanity. The fracturing of our minds into different idenities (with family, friends, etc.) is seen in that photo. Some of her other photos with people (such as her July 3rd party) show the photographer's (that would be her) insight into human emotion, be it love, happiness, or just drunken giddiness. I love photography, but it's clear to me that Meri has a deeper, spiritual connection with it. Almost as if the photographs allow her to understand the world. And that is the true mark of a creative genius.
Meridita: the Person
Meri is a very caring person. As I mentioned before, I was recently struck (or hit) by a car. Now it was nothing serious (just some soreness), but Meri at least cared about what happened. She even gave me the "Sad Puppy Face." How nice is that? But beyond just me, dear reader, one can see that she generally cares about the world. You want proof? Look at the comments she leaves on people's blogs. Look at her own blog. While she may be jealous that her new roommate received roses, she has never really complained about her lovelife, the world around her, or anything like that. If you look at people like myself or Worm, we point out the world's foibles. She, however, only looks at the things that make the world great. A constant optimist (or so it seems) which makes reading her a positive experience (unlike me, as one student told me, because I'm so depressing). I would venture to guess that Meri would give a dollar to the guy on the street. I would also venture to guess that she's the kind of girl who would give a guy five cents if he was short for coffee. She's even kind to old people (something that so many people in this world aren't). She went out to the orchestra hall with a man much older than her. I'm told it wasn't a date, so she was being nice.
Ah, but beyond humans, Meri is quite affectionate with her pets. No doubt you've heard about the Doodle Poodle and the Kitty Companion? Meridita loves her pets, and she takes great care of them. Many people own pets, but they don't really get to know them (for lack of a better term). Meri knows her pets. She knows what they'll do and why. Do you know why your cat grabs on to you arm and licks? Is it love, or something else? She knows.
I am very glad that Ms. Meri reads my blog, because it means that I have had a person with keen insight viewing my opinions and thoughts and giving me her two-cents.
Then again what do I know? I'm just a guy who was dared to give his opinion. I could be wrong.
Oh, and in the future: Don't dare me to do anything.

To Sleep, Perchance...to Dream

My insomnia has come back with a vengance. Beyond the fact that I was incredibly sore last night (more on that later), the wheels in my head were spinning very fast and were quite loud.
There's something absolutely terrible about being awake in the dark. Now, I love that stretch from two to six where the world is dead, but only when I want to be out in it. When I want to sleep, and I can't, that's a whole different ballgame.
So as I lay there last night, I couldn't stop thinking about the most random things. First, however, you may want to know why I was sore (or maybe you don't care). Yesterday, I played tennis with a guy who is a lobbyist. It was very interesting talking to him about his work. It was also embarrassing because the guy beat up on me. I had no footing and no feel for my shots. At one point, I slipped and my ankle was not pleased. Anyway, it reminded me of the lawyers I used to work with on the Tobacco trials. That was one aspect that kept me up last night. I thought alot about the fact that it had been some time since I left that job...and I didn't miss it. At the same time, I didn't really miss the people I worked with either. Yet, I wondered why that wasn't a bad thing.
Now, the other thing that kept me up was getting hit by a car. That's right, I got hit. It wasn't super serious, but my right leg, especially my hip, is really sore. As I strolled (ok hobbled) across the Hwy. 100 Northwest Athletic Club parking lot, I noticed a guy on his cell phone getting in his car. I should have thought about that, but I didn't. I was thinking about my ankle, and my game, and the world. My car was two down from Senor Cellphone, so I walked on the same side. Still on his phone, not paying attention, and starting to back up, Cellphone dude hit his gas to accelerate back and hit me with the corner of his car. This is essentially what went through my brain in the seconds it took for him to hit me and me to go down.
Wow, that was bad. You suck. Work on the backhand. It's amazing what people will hire lobbyists for. What the hell is that? (At this point, the left side of a Audi Quattro hits my right side.) Ah jiminy! Don't fall into the other car. Crap, here comes the ground.
What really angered me, was the response I got from Cellphone guy. He stops, open the door, goes to the back of the car, looks at the corner, then at me, and says, "Are you ok? (I nod yes, tough my hip hurts) Did you damage the paint?"
Ok. not, "Can I help you up? Can I do anything?" Nope. Did I damage the paint. My first thought was, "Get out the tennis racket and hit the car HARD!" I didn't do it. I should have, but I was kinda shocked on two levels: This guy's idiocy and this guy HITTING ME WITH HIS CAR!
Sigh.

The other thing that was utterly fascinating (considering I couldn't sleep) was seeing Jesse Ventura on The Big Idea With Donny Deutsch. This was a repeat as he had been on Thursday night, but a few things struck me about the former governor of this state:
1. He is looking more and more like a retired pirate. All he needs now is an eyepatch, a peg leg, and to talk with "Arghs," and "Ayes". Seriously. He didn't have the hat on, so his totally bald top was shining in the light.
2. He shakes ALOT. I don't know if he's sick, but man, his head was almost like a bobble-head. He would shake like a snake preparing to strike. It was very strange.
(Side note: I think Tom Arnold is on drugs. He exhibits all the signs, and he CANNOT sit still for a second on that Damn Sports show).
3. (And most odd) A great deal of what Ventura had to say made sense. That's right. You heard me. He made sense. He talked about the failure of governments, people, the left and the right, etc. He talked about how people use God as a shield instead of answering the tough questions. He talked about how several members of the government support the War in Iraq "for freedom," but then limit those same freedoms in this country. It was kinda cool. Sure, part of it was that I was (and am) tired, but it showed that he at least understands politics better than alot of people.
When you can't sleep, you look to make yourself busy. You try to tire yourself out. Maybe it's by reading (which usually works for my wife). Maybe it's writing or correcting papers (which I don't recommend doing when tired. You miss MANY things). For me, it's different things. It's watching old movies to feel comfortable. It's reading Shakespeare to rememorize the sillioquies. Most importantly, however, when I can't sleep, I think about what's come before me. I think about students I've worked with and wonder if they are ok. I think about what I've been through, where I've come from, and where I hope go. I think about the next generation after me and whether or not they'll have a world to enjoy.
Then again, what do I know? I'm the guy quoting Hamlet to his cats at 3 in the morning. I could be wrong.

Ramblings for the Evening (9/29/05)

Wow, I'm tired...and I'm feeling a little bit snarky. It's just one of those days, so forgive the tone of tonight's Ramblings. So, without further ado: GET TO THE CHOPPER!
Leo Sternbach Died:
"Who," you ask? I've never heard of this man. Fair enough. You may not have heard of the man, but you know his invention: Valium. Leo Sternbach was the inventor of Valium. He died in his home at the age of 97. Here's my question: The man was sick. He was in pain. Do you think they fed him a bottle of his own invention to "ease his pain"? Or do you think this is another Atkins situation? What am I talking about? Well, Dr. Atkins may have died from a heart attack, not "the fall" down those steps. What if Sternbach was the same way? Perhaps he just decided that all of his shuffleboard buddies were dead, so he took a bunch of the pills to end it all. Maybe I'm just a little cynical.
No Sex For YOU!:
This is both hysterical and slightly worrisome. The law can now decide whether or not sex is ok? Beyond just banning sex for this young woman, there are other problems. First of all: How the hell are they going to monitor this? I've heard of ankle bracelets...do they place something like that on the genitalia and it sounds an alarm? Instead of a Prince Albert (look it up if you don't know), you get a Big Brother.
However, the bigger problem is the desire for "naughty sex". The more you can't have something, the more you want it and find ways to get it. You want to go to a bar? You get the ID. You want to smoke up? You find ways to hide it. You want to have sex in your parents house even though the law says no? You'll find a way. Everyone does.
What's next? No gum chewing! You can't pet the dog more than 3 times! If you break parole, you can't watch the sunrise!
Look, I applaud this judge for thinking outside the box (it really is great), but there's creative, and there's plain crazy.
Kate Moss in Rehab:
Word on the street is that she's so thin from snorting the coke that she can actually glide under doors without opening. Fellow rehabers are now placing towels in the cracks to keep her out.
The BEST Show on TV YOU Aren't Watching:
I'm sorry, but it's true. Arrested Development is one of the most clever shows ever written, but people are now afraid of smart humor. You want proof? More people watch According to Jim. It's a cookie-cutter sitcom, but more people watch it. AD has smart humor, it repeats certain jokes, but not to death (for example, whenever the character Gob is scheming, the song "The Final Countdown" plays in some way). The show stays in reality from week to week. One character had his hand bit off by a runaway seal, and he still has a hook to this day. Heck, there's a new character coming on called Bob Loblaw (say it quickly).
Give it a shot, folks. It's really quite brilliant.
and finally....
Colleges:
Oh students. You're all so worried about colleges. Look, I've said it before, and I'll say it again: You DO NOT NEED TO PANIC! Think about Douglas Adams, kids. The first rule is "Don't Panic!" So you're not ranked #1 in your class. Big deal. That doesn't mean that the University of Minnesota is going to pass you over. You know how you don't get into college? You don't apply. That's really it. If there's a college you really want, but you don't get in on your first try, then go somewhere else, work your ass off, and then transfer. My sister really wanted to go to Columbia. She didn't get in. She got into Barnard. Her first year, she went hardcore and got a 4.0. Then she transfered to Columbia. Long story short (too late), she got her degree at Columbia.
I know that it looks bleak sometimes, but remember, everyone is scared. Hell, I was scared when I was a Senior. I thought, "Oh man. No one's going to accept me...I'll never make it...I'm dumb...blah, blah, blah."
Everytime you think you won't make it, do this:
1. Stop
2. Take a deep breath and hold it
3. Count to 3
4. Let it out
5. Now, realize that your life isn't decided by the college you go to. You have so much more time ahead, so relax.
Of course what do I know? I was the guy who offered to buy drinks for my interviewers. I could be wrong.

Beauty and the Beast

Nature is both amazingly beautiful and frighteningly powerful. She's that girl in high school of which you were afraid (or boy, your choice). Very good looking, but will quickly turn on you if you aren't ready.
Thanks to Jibbers for the photo.

The Wheels on the Bus Go....

Hmm. It seems that my last few posts have been a little...angry. It also seems that now that I've asked for comments and emails, you've all gone quiet. Sheesh. Did I scare you all away or something? Am I blogsaken?
Well, tonight, I will try to be more...poignant. I present:
The Wheels on the Bus
I don't know about you, but there are times, especially when I am uncomfortable, that I just say or think the wrong thing. I know it happens to my wife too and a few others I know. It's strange. What do I mean? Well, here's an example:
A few months back, My wife and I were visiting my parents, and I was outside cleaning up around the house (it was Spring, and the broken branches and such needed to be cleared away). I stepped on what I thought was a solid grate, but it gave away. I fell, but managed to catch myself on the edge. So there I am dangling 15 feet in the air over a dark hole, and all I can do is laugh. My wife, who had been watching me, did the same thing. She didn't move. She laughed. My mother, also outside, was horrified. Why the hell were we laughing? I was for certain going to fall and break something. How is that funny? However, she couldn't move. Now, I got lucky. There was a small chunk of concrete sticking out, and I could push off of it. Thus, I didn't fall. But there are other times when I have felt (or been told) my actions were inappropriate.
When I was in college, my father suffered a heart attack and had to have a triple bypass. That's serious surgery. My entire family returned to New York over Spring Break to be with him. After his surgery, he lay in a hospital bed to recuperate. Now, they told us this part was the "wait and see" part (meaning this is the part where we wait and see if he survives). All I could think about was the song, "The Worms Crawl In." Everyone knows that song.
The worms crawl in
the worms crawl out
they eat your nose
they eat your hat
they crawl in skinny
and crawl out fat.
That just kept running in my head, and suddenly, unbeknownst to me, I was humming it aloud. My mother caught (mothers do that, you know) and quickly kicked my shin. Everytime I think back on my father's heart attack, that's the first thing that shoots into my head. Is it a defense mechanism? People talk about "laughing in the face of danger!" Is that what I did when I almost fell?
As I said, it's not just me. I used to date a girl who was raped. When we finally became intimate enough (or close enough) to talk about it, she told me the details. The thing that stuck in my mind more than anything else (and again, I don't know why) was that while she was being violated, the song "The Wheels on the Bus..." kept going through her head. She didn't know why. Yet, her experience jived with mine, in a sense. It was a simple kids song, as it were, that popped in her head. Guess what I think about whenever I hear that song now.
A buddy of mine told me that whenever he goes to the dentist and is being worked on, he thinks about the song "Whip It (Devo)". He has no clue why, but the second he hears the polisher, the opening notes pop into his head, and the song plays over and over until he's finished.
Another friend of mine is afraid of heights. He has to hum or sing "Habanera" from Carmen whenever he's on a ladder or even just afraid. Now, I love Carmen but hearing that song over and over again when you're working on lights can be...grating. Still, it kept his head in the game, which I what I needed when I worked with him.
As for me, I no longer have just one song. When I feel the silence pushing in on me (usually when I can start hearing the ringing in my own ears) multiple songs push into my head. Maybe it's a song by Moby, or maybe Mahler, or maybe I start hearing songs from the production of Cabaret I worked on. Honestly, it varys. There are, however, a few things that do not ever pop into my head. Hymns, for one, because I don't really know any.
Maybe I'm crazy. I don't know. Still, the heart and mind will do anything to protect each other. Perhaps the brain brings up these songs because we love them. A woman (or man) being violated brings up a memory of a happier time, and, as to paraphrase Shakespeare, music is emotion shared with a crowd. It is the physical manifestation of our feelings. I agree.
Then again, what do I know? I'm the guy at the doctor singing "Moon River" during my prostate exam. I could be wrong.

Friends in High Places

(9/26/05) 6:44 p.m. (CBS) — CBS News correspondent Gloria Borger reports that Michael Brown, who recently resigned as the head of the FEMA, has been rehired by the agency as a consultant to evaluate its response following Hurricane Katrina.

Ok, I really don't like to get political (which is actually the subject of a letter we'll be talking about next week), but this one caught my eye, and I just couldn't let this go.
Obviously, it pays to have friends in high places. Seriously. A former Arabian horse man (fired) who blew the response to the hurricane is back to evaluate its reponse. Huh? That's insane, folks. Imagine an operation is screwed up, and the patient dies. The doctors and nurses involved have the blame put on them, and the lead doctor resigns saying, "I made mistakes, sorry." Now, the hospital brings that doctor back and says, "We want to know where we went wrong. We would like you to come back as a consultant and tell us where the operation went well...and where mistakes were made."
Folks, there's no way that doctor, nor Mike Brown, can actually do that job objectively. He was INVOLVED in the mistakes. What's he going to say? "Well, I find that the National Guard worked really hard at evacuating survivors, but my indecisions kind of hampered everything."
Hell, he's already said that it wasn't him, it was all the local goverment. In fact, he, "told the president 'this is going to be bad one,' before the storm hit."
Seriously, this situation shows it pays to have friends in high places. Seriously, doesn't Bush know anyone else who is more qualified for this? Ask Jeb if necessary. Brown had no qualifications for the job, but now he's back at FEMA. You think the people of New Orleans are happy to hear that?
Brown isn't the only one, however. Dennis Kozlowski, the former Tyco schmuck (and I can't be objective about him, because he stole millions and showed no remorse for it) was told that a few companies want to hire him when he gets out. What? This man committed some serious ethical violations of business...and he can have another job doing the same thing? What happens if he does it again? "We didn't see it coming."
If you're friends with a person in a high place (a mayor, a political figure, etc.) more often than not, you'll have a bone thrown your way when you're in trouble.
Let me make something EXTREMELY CLEAR to anyone who reads this: I am not sitting here and attacking Republicans/Conservatives. I understand that the same thing happens with Democrats/Liberals too (Yes, I remember Marc Rich), but bringing Brown in to look over FEMA when he was part of the screw-up is insane. If he's just answering questions about what he did, that's one thing, but if he's supposed to pass judgement on where the agency screwed up, then he better be on that list.
Then again what do I know? I'm the guy who said that Kennedy needed fewer agents watching him, watched him get shot, was fired, and then was brought back in to figure out where we went wrong. I could be wrong.