Waiter, That's Your Hand On My Pants

Hey kids, how about a dating story? Does that sound like it would be nice to hear about? Let me just change into my cardigan and sneakers, and I'll tell you a story.
Ok, this is a true story about the first date I ever had with my wife. We had been friends for years, but had been with other people. At the beginning of our senior year of college, both she and I were single again with our significant others having either cheated or left. So, after she "passed out" at one of my parties (and I use the quotes because I later found out that she faked it), we decided to try and date and see what happens. Best case scenario: we go from friends to husband and wife (which we did). Worst case scenario: we date, it goes bad, we never see each other again after the end of the year (which happened to another girl I dated...oh well).
I wanted to do something nice and conventional. Neither one of us had ever really had a "conventional" date. Well, what's more conventional than dinner and movie? Nothing, I thought. So, we decided she would pick the movie, and I would pick the place for dinner. We would head to the movie first, and then have a late dinner and drinks.
The film she decided on was American Beauty. I know, I know, children. That's not really what you would consider a "date movie," and honestly, neither did I at the time, but it ended up being quite romantic. Why? Because it gave us a few different topics to discuss, and it also showed that maybe, just maybe, I was dating the right person. You see, she did several things that I really liked:
1. She never talked during the movie. That's a big pet peeve that I have. There's a difference between, "Excuse me, I need to get out," and, "Excuse me, did you know that the guy playing Lester was in Hear No Evil, See No Evil?"
2. She turned off her phone. Another pet peeve of mine is cell phones in movie theatres. She took the time to turn the ringer off. That was nice.
3. After the movie she talked about its meanings, scenes, and more. I love movies. I've said it before, and I'll say it until the day I die. I love film. She shared that interest with me. She was also willing to see just about anything which proved to me she was a keeper.
With the movie over and discussions beginning, I wanted to take her somewhere that I could impress her. I decided to take her to an old haunt, as it were, for dinner. A wonderful wine bar called Riddle's Penultimate Cafe & Wine Bar. I would go there all the time for drinks and bands, and it was separated into bar and romantic cafe. (The cafe side had a sign that said, "THIS IS ROMANTIC.")
Now, children, this is where the story takes a turn. You see, even though I am not really attractive and quite straight, I seem to attract Homosexual men. Why? No clue. Right after my beautiful date and I sat down, our server came over. I will always recall that his name was Gerald, and I will also always recall that he ignored my wife the entire night. Here are some clues that you server may like you:
1. You've just sat down at your table, and your server puts your napkin in your lap. Right after he places the napkin, he leaves his hand in your lap and gives your inner thigh a nice squeeze.
2. Shortly after squeezing your thigh, he places his hand on your shoulder, smiles, and then says, "If you need anything, please let me know."
3. During this entire time, your date, a nice girl, is being ignored regardless of the number of times she says the server's name or just says, "hello," to him.
4. When you get the wine (which he approves of), and you have a small drip on your chin, and he licks his finger and then touches the drop, that's where it gets creepy.
5. When your bill comes at the end of the night, and the server hands it to you, and you see his name, phone number, and a note asking you to call him, that's a pretty big sign.
The meal itself, as well as the wine, was great. Riddle's is still one of our favorite places, and we returned there for dinner one night during our reunion. Our families even met each other for the first time over dinner there. However, let me finish the story of our first date.
As you'll recall, we've been to the movies, and we've had a nice dinner where the server liked me a little too much, but the boy and girl on the date have had some very nice discussions about life, movies, and such. I decided that I would invite her to my home for coffee (and I do mean coffee, folks. We had a lot of wine). When we arrived at my house (which wasn't far from the restaurant), everything looked normal. I use the word "looked", children, because it appeared normal, but it was, in fact, not normal. You see two of my friends who lived across the street had an argument, and one stormed off. She needed a place to go, so she went over to my house where my then roommate (you'll recall that I had a faculty member living with me for a little bit) was drunk on some of my wine collection and let her in. So, I've returned to my home to have coffee with my date (having told my roommate to skeedadle for the night) to find that he and another friend of mine were sitting in my living room extremely drunk and had called other people over to join them. That's right: an impromptu party was going on in my house. Not good. My wife was game to talk with everyone, but I could tell she was tired. After all, we had started around 7 and it was close to 1 am now...and a school night. (And we know that we're not supposed to stay up late on a school night, right children?) I told everyone that I would be right back and that, "my house better be clean and all of you gone when I return!"
I took my lovely date home, kissed her goodnight (not our first kiss, but that's another story), and drove home in a really good mood. When I returned, to my surprise, the house was a immaculate.
So what's the moral of our story, kids? Well, good guys can have a nice time out, but you have to be careful that your server may find you attractive. You also have to be careful that people will take over your space when you're not there. Still, my lovely wife must have thought it was nice too, because she married me in the end.
I hope this story makes you feel better, and, if you're single, I hope that it shows you that there's hope for everyone. Have a good night.