Thursday, February 09, 2006

Slander a la Leab (02/09/06)

I know. I haven't posted slander in a while. What can I say? Uh...sorry?
Driving home was a giant pain today. That will be a fun story for tomorrow. All I can say is: I thought Minnesotans could actually drive in snow. Sigh.
Let's get to it.
It's time for SLANDERAMA!
Madden and Michaels: Together Again:
Apparently all the stories about how much Al Michaels hates John Madden were false. Michaels quit his position at ABC/ESPN in order to join Madden at NBC for next year's Sunday night games. Insiders were stumped as to why.
"This man seemed to hate Madden on all accounts," ESPN anchor Dan Patrick said. "He would say to us, 'The man's an idiot. He may have been a great coach, but I can't understand what he's saying most of the time.' In all fairness to Al, John is kind of an idiot. Is that thing taping?"
Patrick wasn't the only one who thought it was weird Michaels quit.
"We LOVE Al," Michael Wilbon, co-host of Pardon the Interruption explained. "He was like everyone's big brother." When asked about Madden, Wilbon merely said, "Uh. He was a great coach. Yup."
So what made Michaels quit his cushy ESPN gig for the NBC booth? Well, former ESPN personality Max Kellerman had an idea: "Isn't it obvious? Michaels loves his 'Big Poppa Bear'.... Big time."
That's right. Rumors are that Michaels and the former Raiders coach from Austin, Minnesota are romantically linked.
In the era of Brokeback Mountain, no one is really surprised.
"I'll give you a list of the ways you can tell," new analyst (and former pro quarterback) Joe Theismann said.

1. Madden added a bedroom to his bus...and only Michaels is allowed in there.
2. On his list of what to have in the booth, Madden used to have a two-liter of Shasta and a jumbo bucket of buffalo wings. On his list turned into NBC, he added baby oil, a blanket, and pictures of Rock Hudson.
3. Michaels' new outfit for the Sunday night telecast is the outfit formerly worn by the Native American in the Village People. During his press conference, Michaels vehemently defended his choice.
'Look, John loves it. He says it makes me look ten years younger. When John's happy, everyone is happy. Trust me.' It was kind of creepy. I mean Al is wearing a thong. (At this point Theismann dry-heaved.)
4. Al calls John 'Big Poppa Bear.' John always responds by saying he's going to 'root through your (Al's) picnic basket.' How creepy is that?"
Time will tell if this is only speculation. Neither Michaels nor Madden were available for comment.
Local News:
-It seems that local reporter
Jason DeRusha may have finally snapped. With a young child at home, an annoying set at work, and the pressure of strange stories and blogging, the WCCO reporter was almost late filing his story on the St. Paul Skyway riders. Initially, DeRusha blamed his photographer (Joe Mears), but Mears came to Ironic Teachings with the real story.
"Look, Jason's been under a lot of...pressure lately. He's supposed to be Don's boy, but lately Amelia and the others have been after him. Add Seth to that...and it's a volatile situation."
When asked about almost posting late, Mears story took a harsh turn. After checking to make sure DeRusha wasn't around, Mears continued.
"He was stressed...and angry. One of the bikers almost took him out, and it seemed that it wasn't an accident. DeRusha was angry. He was almost frothing at the mouth. He went back to the truck and grabbed a light stand. I thought maybe he was trying to help me setup, but I was wrong. When that biker came around again (sources have learned his name was Phillip Daniels), Jason swung that stand better than any of the Twins did last season. The biker did a full flip in the air before crashing down. When he turned on Jason, he saw someone with which not to mess and bolted. It took four Vicodin to just to calm him down. It was...horrifying."
- Local business woman and popular blogger Alexis McKinnis (better known as
Girl Friday) has become a zombie. Though medical science believes the existence of zombies is impossible, the I.T. crew was able to rescue this photo from her camera (though, sadly, our intern, Sparky, was eaten).
When asked, her neighbor could only tell us, "Look. Alexis was reading the new Stephen King novel Cell and the next thing I know she's dressed like a prom queen and ripping the ears off my dog. You tell me what happened."
We asked resident Zombieologist Laura over at
Pile of Sassy (herself in serious trouble over some of her actions against local blog MN Speak) could only tell I.T. "I don't know. I mean ever since Camille Paglia was here, a lot of women have been dead fish...let me tell ya."
On a recent service call (it was once reported by local forthing newsman Jason DeRusha that Alexis would "do anything for $25), McKinnis became annoyed by her client and ripped his throat out. No one came near her as she munched away. "Hopefully we can do something," Laura said. "I's amazing, but the whole Zombie prom thing? Kind of scary."
-Local blogger
Sopheava has a great deal in common with her new blog template. Ole Ironic Teachings spotted the talented designer at Starbucks and noticed that she is BLINDINGLY white. As the sun poured into the coffee shop, the artist known as Margaret stepped into the light. Our attempt to take her picture was thwarted by the bright light shining off her skin.
Meredith (our new intern) attempted to take the picture, but all she could say was, "My eyes. It BURNS!" The only part of the picture that showed up at all was her hair. Upon seeing us try to take her picture, Margaret stopped and smiled, then used to the sun to taunt us.
"She would step away," Meredith explained, "then step back and flash skin just to hurt us. Why God? WHY?!"
However, I.T. did learn what kind of latte Sopheava usually orders, which can be useful information.
There you go folks. That'll do it for tonight. I'll probably be in trouble with my fellow bloggers, but I kid, because I care. I freely admit that I borrowed pictures from other websites.
Until tomorrow,

Tuesday, February 07, 2006

The Bright Side

Ok, I got an email (already) telling me that my ramblings were...depressing. I was ordered to talk about the bright side of things.
So here we go:
I don't know why, but I've been getting a lot of traffic from I appreciate it. Again, I don't know why, but thanks.
I have some steady readers (which I am thankful all rock).
I am a link on
Retroavocado, Michele, Worm, MN Speak, Sopheava, and Slanderous (where the hell are you man?). That's lucky.
No longer am I considered SPAM on
Winecast. That deserves an "Oh HELL yeah!"
So there you go.

Now, here's a kitten.

Ramblings for the Evening (02/07/06)
Honestly feel like it's been weeks since I've been here. With so much going on in my life, it's so hard to find time to write now. There is another issue, however, but I'll get there.
So without further ado: THIS TOWN NEEDS AN ENEMA!
Purpose Rethought:
A recent
review of my blog has me thinking about my work as a whole. A year ago (ok, in April) I started this blog. It was basically done to organize my thoughts, but also to see if I could make people laugh. So, I went over to check this blog that reviewed me and discovered that it was part of a class. I was the third of three blogs to be looked at by the reviewer.
Still, while I give
Jess/JJ props for reviewing my blog, her comments have started me thinking about things.

I found this one a welcome change from the last two blogs I reviewed. The writer of this blog is in fact, a teacher. Known as Leab, this guy blogs about anything and everything on his mind.

This is mostly true. I am a teacher, and I am known as Leab, but I don't write about anything and everything on my mind. I keep many things to myself. Granted, I think JJ is basing this on one visit. There is no mention of Mail Mondays (which has not been done the last two weeks as the mail has been...not so good) or Slander a la Leab. I also make sure to avoid politics mostly.

It follows the common notebook style as the previous two do, yet with no real aim or political agenda. His style is casual and conversational. He makes no attacks, and he creates no place for debate.

The first part is true (look over her other reviews), but I'm not sure about the rest. Do I have no real aim? Sure, the motto of this site is: "Life, Liberty, and the Pursuit of the Inane," but do I really have no aim? I write in the attempt to make you all laugh, but also to think. Look at the stories I talk about on a daily basis. It's pointing out the foibles of life and saying, "how did we get here?" At the same time, I examine myself and use my stories as a way to make you either laugh (look at the stupid monkey) or to make you think (that's what happens when you stay in a bad relationship...huh).
To say I make no attacks is also interesting as it means she did not see my earlier work, but no place for debate? Really? You cannot debate any of the things I talk about at all?
That was never my intent, but sometimes we do things we do not mean to do at all.

His latest entry is about another blog. He is in the business of blogging blogs as well, and I see this as a great way to acknowledge your fellow blogger in a kind and respectful way. Not to say the first two blogs I encountered weren't engaging.

I like what everyone has to say. Seriously. Even when what they say is totally outrageous, it gives me insight into who they are and gives me something to write about on a daily basis.

The thing that drew me to him was the way he mixes his own personal ramblings with random tidbits of information. The entry I read from yesterday was about a new equation for the most depressing day of the year, which came out as January 24th. He asked his readers whether or not they were in fact having a bad day. I responded just because the equation turned out to be right in my case.

She was the first, but several people did respond that day. I do ramble but throw information in as I go (it's also my teaching style....)

Another reason why I like this blog is that he is an English teacher from MN. I am partial to the field of English, and therefore anything an English teacher has to say must be interesting.

I sense a smidge of sarcasm. One nitpick note: I'm not from here.

If you want a casual blog experience, check out Leab's blog. Much of the content is easy to swallow, and you might learn something you never though you'd know. I guess that's the point of blogs in general. This is truly a random musing, information sharing blog.

Here is, at least in my head, where things go south. Casual experience? Easy to swallow? Are these usually things you say in a complimentary review? "Jenkins, your work ethic is easy to swallow." Maybe it's just me. I love being called a random musing, but saying it's a casual blog experience makes me feel like my writing is easily read and forgotten.
Do I expect you to take everything I write and say, "Dude, he's SO right," all the time? No. My hope (and I stress HOPE) is that you read what I say and come away sometimes laughing, but mostly coming away thinking, "Hmm. Maybe there is something to that. Maybe our world is strange."
I don't know. I cannot explain it, but the review has made me start thinking about what the hell I have been doing for the last year. I have some steady readers, but mostly I'm the small tapas in a seven-course meal. You want meat? MN Speak is a click away (look at my links, folks). Some nice desert? Go to Sopheava. A nice refreshing drink? The French belle Michele is there. I could go on and on (I read A GREAT DEAL of blogs everyday).
Maybe I'm just being an idiot. I don't know. I just wonder if one year later I have written anything of value. Am I just a casual blogging experience? The greasy diner you only go to when everything else is full?
Maybe I'm just nuts.
The Unfortunate State of Education:
I love being a teacher. I care a great deal about my students (but not that way you sickos). For example, one student burst into tears in front of me today, and I went late to my staff meeting to make sure this student was ok. I haven't seen some of my favorite students in a while, and that kind of saddens me, because these students have so many interesting things to say, and I enjoy talking to them.
That being said, when did it become ok for a student to say to a teacher, "I'm just working for a D." When I was a kid, I would have been killed by my parents if I worked for a D. One semester of college, I got horrible grades (let's just say I hovered around 1.5 for that semester). I was angry at myself. I knew I could do better, and I WANTED to do better. One freshman I talked to the other day told me that a D was passing, and that was what this student wanted: just to pass. Forget getting a B or even an A. Just doing enough to pass is cool. When did this happen? Has it always been this way I just did not notice?
My first class I ever taught was seniors (this was a first semester class) and those kids worked. This was a regular English class (no IB or AP here, folks), but the kids worked to get their grades up. This year's freshmen seem not to care. Many have explained that they will go to school until they turn 16 and then leave (which they can legally do).
Why? Because they believe that school is unnecessary for success. Hey Bill Gates made it. Look at all the rappers and actors and such who never even finished school and became big. Hey, LeBron James is huge, and he skipped college.
Out of the 100-some odd students I have right now, 75% believe the classes they are in are pointless ("Who needs to learn how to identify the theme?"), and cannot help them in any way. 3 out of 4. It's kind of depressing. The one's who want to learn are being surrounded and drowned out by the ones who don't care.
My problem? I feel like those kids not doing well is my fault. If I was a good teacher, they would WANT to learn, but obviously I'm not because they don't care. I need to get over that feeling, but God, it's hard.
That's all I got tonight, folks. I'm a tired, tired monkey...and I need to grade.
Until tomorrow,