Slander a la Leab (02/09/06)

I know. I haven't posted slander in a while. What can I say? Uh...sorry?
Driving home was a giant pain today. That will be a fun story for tomorrow. All I can say is: I thought Minnesotans could actually drive in snow. Sigh.
Let's get to it.
It's time for SLANDERAMA!
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Madden and Michaels: Together Again:
Apparently all the stories about how much Al Michaels hates John Madden were false. Michaels quit his position at ABC/ESPN in order to join Madden at NBC for next year's Sunday night games. Insiders were stumped as to why.
"This man seemed to hate Madden on all accounts," ESPN anchor Dan Patrick said. "He would say to us, 'The man's an idiot. He may have been a great coach, but I can't understand what he's saying most of the time.' In all fairness to Al, John is kind of an idiot. Is that thing taping?"
Patrick wasn't the only one who thought it was weird Michaels quit.
"We LOVE Al," Michael Wilbon, co-host of Pardon the Interruption explained. "He was like everyone's big brother." When asked about Madden, Wilbon merely said, "Uh. He was a great coach. Yup."
So what made Michaels quit his cushy ESPN gig for the NBC booth? Well, former ESPN personality Max Kellerman had an idea: "Isn't it obvious? Michaels loves his 'Big Poppa Bear'.... Big time."
That's right. Rumors are that Michaels and the former Raiders coach from Austin, Minnesota are romantically linked.
In the era of Brokeback Mountain, no one is really surprised.
"I'll give you a list of the ways you can tell," new analyst (and former pro quarterback) Joe Theismann said.
"Look:
1. Madden added a bedroom to his bus...and only Michaels is allowed in there.
2. On his list of what to have in the booth, Madden used to have a two-liter of Shasta and a jumbo bucket of buffalo wings. On his list turned into NBC, he added baby oil, a blanket, and pictures of Rock Hudson.
3. Michaels' new outfit for the Sunday night telecast is the outfit formerly worn by the Native American in the Village People. During his press conference, Michaels vehemently defended his choice.
'Look, John loves it. He says it makes me look ten years younger. When John's happy, everyone is happy. Trust me.' It was kind of creepy. I mean Al is wearing a thong. (At this point Theismann dry-heaved.)
4. Al calls John 'Big Poppa Bear.' John always responds by saying he's going to 'root through your (Al's) picnic basket.' How creepy is that?"
Time will tell if this is only speculation. Neither Michaels nor Madden were available for comment.
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Local News:
-It seems that local reporter Jason DeRusha may have finally snapped. With a young child at home, an annoying set at work, and the pressure of strange stories and blogging, the WCCO reporter was almost late filing his story on the St. Paul Skyway riders. Initially, DeRusha blamed his photographer (Joe Mears), but Mears came to Ironic Teachings with the real story.
"Look, Jason's been under a lot of...pressure lately. He's supposed to be Don's boy, but lately Amelia and the others have been after him. Add Seth to that...and it's a volatile situation."
When asked about almost posting late, Mears story took a harsh turn. After checking to make sure DeRusha wasn't around, Mears continued.
"He was stressed...and angry. One of the bikers almost took him out, and it seemed that it wasn't an accident. DeRusha was angry. He was almost frothing at the mouth. He went back to the truck and grabbed a light stand. I thought maybe he was trying to help me setup, but I was wrong. When that biker came around again (sources have learned his name was Phillip Daniels), Jason swung that stand better than any of the Twins did last season. The biker did a full flip in the air before crashing down. When he turned on Jason, he saw someone with which not to mess and bolted. It took four Vicodin to just to calm him down. It was...horrifying."
- Local business woman and popular blogger Alexis McKinnis (better known as Girl Friday) has become a zombie. Though medical science believes the existence of zombies is impossible, the I.T. crew was able to rescue this photo from her camera (though, sadly, our intern, Sparky, was eaten).
When asked, her neighbor could only tell us, "Look. Alexis was reading the new Stephen King novel Cell and the next thing I know she's dressed like a prom queen and ripping the ears off my dog. You tell me what happened."
We asked resident Zombieologist Laura over at Pile of Sassy (herself in serious trouble over some of her actions against local blog MN Speak) could only tell I.T. "I don't know. I mean ever since Camille Paglia was here, a lot of women have been dead fish...let me tell ya."
On a recent service call (it was once reported by local forthing newsman Jason DeRusha that Alexis would "do anything for $25), McKinnis became annoyed by her client and ripped his throat out. No one came near her as she munched away. "Hopefully we can do something," Laura said. "I mean...it's amazing, but the whole Zombie prom thing? Kind of scary."
-Local blogger Sopheava has a great deal in common with her new blog template. Ole Ironic Teachings spotted the talented designer at Starbucks and noticed that she is BLINDINGLY white. As the sun poured into the coffee shop, the artist known as Margaret stepped into the light. Our attempt to take her picture was thwarted by the bright light shining off her skin.
Meredith (our new intern) attempted to take the picture, but all she could say was, "My eyes. It BURNS!" The only part of the picture that showed up at all was her hair. Upon seeing us try to take her picture, Margaret stopped and smiled, then used to the sun to taunt us.
"She would step away," Meredith explained, "then step back and flash skin just to hurt us. Why God? WHY?!"
However, I.T. did learn what kind of latte Sopheava usually orders, which can be useful information.
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There you go folks. That'll do it for tonight. I'll probably be in trouble with my fellow bloggers, but I kid, because I care. I freely admit that I borrowed pictures from other websites.
Until tomorrow,
namaste.