So, without further ado: CONTACT!
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To Joe Nathan:
Sorry Bat Girl, but this needs to be said.
Dear Joe Nathan,
There are reports that your wife is to give birth tonight. That's amazing. I have been through this wonderful process, and it is awe-inspiring. However, what troubles me is that you have made yourself available for tonight's game.
Did you really agree to come in to the game if your wife was either nowhere near or totally done birthing your child? Really? You're going to monitor the game during the whole process? Really? You've had two nice saves this week already, and I get that you want as many as possible (and the Baltimore Orioles will give you chances). Still, what if you leave...and then miss the birth of Riley? It's not like you can shove her back up in there and watch it again. And recording it isn't the same.
Look Joe, or Mr. Nathan, or Natty...whatever you go by, don't do it. Stay with your wife. It's the
third game of the season. This game will not decide the WHOLE season for the Twins. If it does, then there are serious problems with the team. If it were September or October, then it would be different, but it's not, and this is not.Stay with your wife. You can make up this save later. Lord knows that you're good enough.
And no, I am not an Orioles fan trying to help the Twins. I'm a Mets fan, so I don't really care about the Twins. I just don't want to see you miss an amazing and important event that you will regret if you miss it.
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To Minnesota Rednecks:
Wow. I had heard that you existed, but I really didn't want to believe it. Now, I have seen the proof, and it saddens me.
What is it with the old "Stars and Bars" that you all seem to love so much? You're in the North. Almost as North as you can go, and yet you have a
Confederate flag on you in some way. Sure, there was the guy I met at Alleygator's with the Confed tattoo. Now I'm seeing people put the flag in the form of a Dodge symbol on the back of pick-up trucks, t-shirts declaring how the wearer is "proud to be a 'true' American", and even hearing a guy ask the painting consultant at Home Depot, "I want to paint a Confederate Flag. What colors do I need?"Maybe I'm stupid, but I think you just need blue and red. Regardless, what is the fascination with this flag?
It's not just the flag, however. It's also what you're wearing. I'm not talking about cowboy boots with shorts (though that is odd). No, I'm talking about shirts with arrows pointed to your biceps asking me if I have my tickets to the "Gun Show" yet. It's about the Arctic Cat jacket that smells of stale beer and cigarettes (hey, this almost sounds like a country song) that you wear even when it's 60 degrees out.
It's about treating everyone around you like crap, because you think you deserve to be able to do that.
I don't approve of the flag, but that's me. I don't care about what you wear, though it does help point you out (unless you're in high school...or being ironic, which most of you really are not). This is about you acting like the stereotype. Just because Britney Spears turned into an idiot doesn't mean you should.
Here's what I suggest: Learn proper ettiquette. Don't walk down the aisle at a place like Home Depot, fart as loud as you can, and then yell, "That was me, y'all...enjoy it." We won't. We'll look at you and realize that you'll probably breed and then weep at the future of mankind.
And learn to drive your damn truck. It's called a turn signal...try it.
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To Hollywood:
Dear Hollywood,
I have stood by you over the last few years as the quality of your films has dipped. I have defended you, even in the face of films like the Psycho remake, the Godzilla remake, and more. However, the films that you have coming or have out right now, are really pushing it.
Yes, 300 was entertaining, but only if you shut your brain off.
We have another Will Ferrell comedy where he is the lovable underdog. We've seen this at least once a year now.
My current issue, however, is the pushing of this film Disturbia. From the moment I saw the trailer, I became quite angry. Why? Because I am a film enthusiast, and I love Hitchcock. You have taken a beloved Hitchcock film (Rear Window), and, unlike The Simpsons, you are not paying homage, but directly ripping off and attempting to set it in modern times. Let's see:
Rear Window: Man trappped in a wheelchair thinks he may have witnessed a murder committed by his neighbor. With the help of a spunky love interest, he investigates.
Disturbia: A rebellious teen trapped in his house by house arrest thinks he may have witnessed a murder committed by his neighbor. With the help of a spunky love interest, he investigates.
Wow. Looks very similar.
My faith is wavering, Hollywood. We have 80's cartoons being remade, we have remakes of classic films that have been "tweaked" to bring in the teen audience, and the only films that seems to be any good now have to have a Brit in them (and I mean an someone from England, not a girl named Brit).
Transformers will probably make money. Everyone my age or slightly older will say, "Dude, I need to see how they do it!"
The many, many sequels due out this Summer will make money (Fantastic Four 2, Shrek 3, Die Hard 4 (Really? We need a 4?)
And what's the deal with the choices on remakes? Escape from New York is a classic. Don't you dare remake it. Make it the third one: Escape from Planet Earth. We have the film on DVD. The modern public doesn't need a remake.What's happened? Maybe I'm a film snob, but there really aren't many films making me want to get to the movie theatre. I have a good setup at home, I'll wait, and I'll rent. Even the action flicks.
Fix it, Hollywood, before you lose a lifer. There's a reason why many of us talk about Kurosawa, Hitchcock, Fellini, and Spielberg (before he lost his mind...come on...War of the Worlds?) and are wistful.
Make this right, or I can't defend you any longer. Critics better pan Disturbia, and the film better bomb.
Then again what do I know? I like the film M AND Carpenter's remake of The Thing. I could be wrong.
Namaste.
