Thursday, April 07, 2005

Falling Across the Starting Line

So here is the first of (what I hope is) many entries. It took me a long time to think about what would be the best way to kickoff the Ironic Teachings. What if I picked the wrong story or idea? Then, after falling down a flight of stairs (no joke), the idea came to me. I want to talk about the Pope. Now John Paul II (the Revenge) and I were not really the best of friends. In fact, he led to one of my most embarassing moments (more on that a little later). However, I do have a lot of respect for the man. He had one of the longest tenures as Pope in the history of Catholicism. He was outspoken, a fan of athletics (if you haven't seen the Papal Skis, check them out online), and even pushed the church to forgive the Jews for that whole Jesus thing. Was he perfect? No. There's still that whole homosexuals go to hell issue, but everyone has their flaws, right? Still, with his passing, he gave me one last great idea: The Papal Emergency Kit. With the world with out a Pope for a few weeks, wouldn't it be nice to be able to feel his holiness' presence? So, for the Catholics who need it, there would be a box with the following items: a Papal hat, a gaudy gold cross, a mini-edition of the Papal staff, a Bible (of course), and a book called: The Papal Posits. A fun little look at life as described by the Pope. But wait, my little Australian friend here says that for just $5 more, you can have a life size cardboard replica of the Pope. How about it folks? Just send the money to 666 Happy Street. Act now and you'll get a free Pope Soap on a rope: a replica of our former Pope's face that smells of lavender.
Now I promised a story before, so I'll end this first posting with a true tale from my life. In 1999, I was a junior at Washington University in St. Louis. That year, the Pope decided to visit the town (probably because of the large Jewish population, right?) It was because of this visit that we (JPII and I) are no longer friends. You see, I was actually accused of wanting to hurt the Pope by our beloved government. Anyway, I was late for an evening scene painting class, and I needed to cross the road (insert chicken joke here) over by Forest Park Parkway. Unfortunately, I did not know at the time that Pope John Paul II (the Revenge) and former Vice President Al Gore (thanks for the Internet) were heading downtown via this route. I began to cross the street when a cop told me to stop and go back. Seeing as I was over halfway across, I yelled, "I can't be late, I have to go!" As soon as I made it across, I was grabbed by two men in gray suits and a female police officer and shuffled into the "detainment area" of the parking lot security office. This was basically a corner with a chair and a water cooler. With my hands cuffed behind my back and not even a single offer of a drink, the larger of the two men (we'll refer to him as Jim) began asking me questions. It went a little something like this:
Jim: What do you think you're doing?
Me: Uh, going to class?
Jim: Why do you have paint brushes and a sketch pad
in your bag?
Me: It's a Scenic Painting class. Painting....So I need
Jim: Shut up.
Me: Uh, ok.
Jim: Why do you hate the Pope?
Me: Huh?
Jim: What were you planning?
Me: I was late for class. I just wanted to avoid getting
another tardy to get an absence. (After noticing the
clock on the wall) Is it really 6:30? Have I been here
for two hours?
Jim: Yes.
After another 45 minutes passes
Jim: It seems that you were just trying to go to class.
You're teacher has verified this. We're sorry for the
Me: Umm, can I have my brushes back?
Jim: No. Now get out, sir.
And with that, I went on my not-so-merry way to class, where I was able to make it with about four minutes left and made fun of by my teacher. I lost about fifteen bucks in brushes, and I actually had a record of my arrest which was tied to the Pope. Nothing like being detained for a drive-by-painting. Of course I was also the inventor of the Papal Wine Cozy (think beer hats, but more Papal and full of sacremental wine). Perhaps it was just Karma getting me back for trying to make a buck on God.
Well thanks for stopping by. I'll try to keep these more interesting.

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