Thursday, November 17, 2005

And Now...A New Edition

Ok, I don't know about you, but I miss Slanderous Minneapolis. The Slanderizer is great at using the Twin Cities as a base and creating fantastic and funny stories. It's been awhile since the last entry. So, until Slanderizer returns with new material, I will dedicate my Thursdays to slander around the Twin Cities. Sure, it won't be as funny as Slanderous Minneapolis, but I'll give it the college try. So, I present:
Slander a la Leab
War Between Malls Looms
Ever since it opened, millions upon millions of people have visited
The Mall of America, a shining beacon of Capitalism headquartered here in the "third city" of the Twin Cities. On average, the Mall draws about 40 million people per year. That's more than Disneyland, Graceland, AND the Grand Canyon combined. It is, in fact, the largest mall in America, but not the world.
In the city of Edmonton lies the
West Edmonton Mall, or the Mall of Canada to most Canadians. This mall has over 800 stores, 110 places to eat, AND the world's largest indoor wave pool (but only 1 Starbucks. How...strange).
Ever since the West Ed mall added on, the MOA has been acting like a jealous teenager. "Oh he thinks he's soooo great,' MOA was heard saying. Just wait till I get that casino and hotel, then I'll add a skyway over to Ikea. Then I'LL be the biggest mall...IN THE WORLD!"
Not to be outdone, the MOC lashed back.
"What did that hoser say? Oh, I should check MOA into the boards for giving me a skull cramp. He wouldn't last a second here in the harsh climate of Alberta. It takes a real mall to cater to the water park AND the shopping crowd. I need a Molson. Whatever MOA thinks it can do, I can do better AND cheaper."
Upon hearing this our beloved Minnesota mall was set into a frenzy.
"That bitch. Oh it's so on now. SO ON! I was able to bitch slap the Palisades in Nyack, New York when it thought it would be bigger, and this little 'strip mall' won't be a problem either. Here's what I want you to tell my 'friend' to the north. We have places where families can still go. The fact that he has a restaurant called 'Mounties' where half-naked women serve food dressed at Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) ON HORSES. How is that sanitary? HORSES, IN A RESTAURANT. What the hell are those Canadians thinking?"
Insiders say that the war of words may elevate from minor taunting until someone "gets served." Only time will tell.
And as a bonus:
This just in:
To all residents of Minnesota. My sources tell me that Don Shelby has lost a bet with Jason DeRusha. While discussing the Sex and So Much More show happening right now, The Don made a bet with J.D about the number of films special guest
Ron Jeremy has appeared in. After a tense debate and much fact-checking, it turned out that DeRusha had the exact number (928)while Shelby was 42 off. The fact that DeRusha knew this number worries this reporter, but Jason seems like a very intelligent man with intricate knowledge of the strange.
Due to the fact that The Don lost this bet, he has to appear at the show this weekend and be around the Twin Cities all day when not in the convention center. What's worse (for Mr. Shelby anyway) is that the specifics of the bet have become even more clear: Mr. Shelby cannot complain if anyone hugs him or asks him, "Got Milk?"
So, if you see Don Shelby this weekend, feel free to yell, "Got Milk?" at him, or, do what this reporter is going to, and hug him. He looks like he needs a good hug.
Like I said, not as good as the Slanderizer, but I'm trying.
See you all tomorrow...I hope.


Voix said...

Darling, this is a brilliant post. Great job. Thanks for filling in the gap.

Faith said...

Leab, this is so funny! I love it!