I want to be very careful how I talk about this. I promised my children I would never speak badly about their mother, and over the course of the ten years we have been apart, I have held to that. I will start by saying that was really hard. Divorce, for those of you who don't know, sucks. It's worse when one person has decided how it's going to go, and the other is told to just go along with it. So how did we split? Not amicably.
My father decided he was going to throw himself an 80th birthday party. It didn't matter how my mother, or anyone for that matter, really felt. He was going to decide who was coming, what was happening, and all of the important parts. We were all invited to this party, so my kids, my now ex-wife, and I got on a plane and flew to Newark (because LaGuardia sucks).
My Ex and I were already in a bad place. We had been struggling to be around each other. I had just left the school I was at which I was working because, well, I hated it. This became another source of her frustration. Our first day in NY seemed...ok. We went to museums, and everything seemed to be ok for the kids. It was the party that would basically be the last time we were really civil with each other. I asked her to spend some time with me and hang out. She told me she was tired and couldn't. Then, she took off with my cousin and his wife.
Some back story: my ex-wife HATED my cousin and his wife after they talked down at her at my grandmother's funeral. This was a years long anger that apparently cooled off when she started making more money. Suddenly, they were equals. Instead of telling me, she took off with them for hours and left me with the kids. I was really angry. When she finally came home at 1:30 in the morning, she told me she wasn't interested in talking to me and went to sleep.
Now the nice thing about New York (one of the many things) is that when you can't sleep, there's always something to do. I left the hotel we were staying at on 64th and walked all the way down to the West Village, then back to 110th, and then back to the hotel. It gave me time to 1. cool off my anger, and 2. see my birth city at night.
In the morning, we woke up, and I sent the kids out so I could talk to her. It became a fight as I explained how I felt, and as it got more heated, she said the words. "I want a divorce. I don't want to be married to you anymore. I already have feelings for someone else, and I want to see how it goes." I was angry, but more than that, I was really sad. Sad for my kids as their parents couldn't make it work. I felt like a failure in that minute. At the same time, I also wanted her gone. This led to a major issue. We had another 5 days on the east coast before we were heading back to Minnesota, and I didn't want her there anymore.
Looking back on it now, I should have fought harder to tell her no and make her go home, but I think she was afraid I would just bolt with the kids and hide in New York or Connecticut forever. This was not going to happen, but I can see no how she might have worried about that. Still, for me, those next 5 days were awkward as hell. We were in a house with my sister that my parents had found in Connecticut as part of the celebration. My brain was on fire trying to figure out what to do for my kids because I was so worried about them, and she wouldn't leave. When we got to the house, she claimed the master bedroom and said I could sleep in the basement bedroom with the kids. Again, I didn't fight. My mantra those days was, "Protect the kids."
The first day after was a travel day, but it would get more awkward. My son was turning 10 while there. Lando (his nickname) loved his Grammy (my mother) and was excited to spend time with her. She had purchased a cake for him and had a local restaurant hold on to it in order to surprise him. To this day, I feel guilty that I was trying so hard to hold it together for the kids that I wasn't as much fun as I could have been for him and for my daughter. My family all knew at this point, so it was very awkward. They tiptoed around her and me, and let their guard down on things. My mother, especially, reminded me how my parents and sisters really didn't like my ex-wife...ever. For context, my parents offered me money to not marry her. My sisters, after meeting her the first time, said, "Oh you can do so much better." The problem was two-fold: 1. I was stubborn and didn't like being told I was wrong, but more so, 2. I was afraid no one could ever love me after I left college. I was afraid I'd be alone forever. It wasn't until later in life that I discovered that, as the kids say today, I had more rizz than I thought.
Now, I couldn't mope or feel bad for the kids or myself, so we ended up taking a "family" trip to Vermont, New Hampshire, and Maine. It was a great trip for the kids, but for me, it was like driving with a stranger. The feeling of trust was just...gone. It didn't help that she would take off at stops to call someone or text someone. I would find out later that she was fast-tracking some things for the divorce and didn't care what happened to me or the kids. I could go on about how difficult it was, but that's just complaining. One thing that kept creeping in was the feeling like I had failed my kids. That's one of the hardest parts of divorce is feeling like you failed.
The absolute hardest part of all this, though, was this was the last time I would see my father alive. He had lost his license and needed someone to drive him to NYU Tisch Library, and I was voluntold. What happened there is a story for another time, but what I can share is that my father actually, for the first time in our relationship at that point, said to me, "You'll be ok without her. Probably better." He had never given me words of affirmation before, so this was very shocking.
The rest of the trip was awkward for me, but my kids had a great time. When we were leaving, my family wouldn't give my ex-wife any love. She told my father, "I love you, Dan," to which he responded, "Don't lie. It's rude." That would be the last time I'd see him. I'll admit that I carried A LOT of anger with me for a few years about that, and I wanted her to apologize for it. She never did, and she never will.
When we got back, she had already been in touch with a realtor about selling the house (hadn't talked to me about it), and had already started figuring out the logistics. We went to couples counseling where the counselor said we needed to split. My Ex explained that I didn't do enough to make money, and that's what she wanted. Someone to "care for her...monetarily." I wanted someone to love me for me and put the kids first. To this day, I find that so sad. I wanted my kids to be loved, and she wanted money. This was NOT the woman I had married at the beginning of the 21st century.
That's another aspect of divorce: the scales fall away, and you suddenly see your partner as they really are, not who they were. I was still in love with the woman I had started dating in college. This woman was not her and did not care about anyone but herself and her needs. She would move into a new house with her new boyfriend who would become her husband. There were a lot demands put on me. Either give me this much money (which she knew I didn't have) or sell the house. I had to move into a duplex with my kids (which worked out ok for a year) and essentially restart my life. There was so much anger as we had made a divorce decree, and she broke so much of it when it came to the kids. For ten years, my kids have known that I was the parent who made sure they were ok while their mom was the one who paid for things.
Even when it came to telling the kids about the divorce, my Ex couldn't figure out how to talk to them about it. She needed me to be the one to go through it with them and explain everything.
Ten years on, I can finally say this, but I feel guilt saying it: my divorce was hard, but it was one of the best things I ever went through. It took some time, but I found someone who loves me for me. No expectations of how much money to make or getting mad at me for being romantic or yelling at me for putting the kids first. I did date, which was wild as person in my late 30's, but it helped me to find who I am. I became comfortable with myself and saw the person others did instead of hating who was in the mirror. I realized that even with the divorce, I was a better parent than my parents. That was a big one. There were other struggles that happened at the same time. Let's just say the later part of 2016 was very hard on me.
My kids did survive the divorce though it really changed them. My daughter struggled with connections for a bit as she was 7 when her parents split. My son was 10, and, unfortunately, his relationship with his mom suffered for it. She chose herself and later her daughter, and she kind of pushed him off. His therapist always thought it was because he reminded her of me.
Now my Ex and I don't really talk. There was a moment about 4 years after we split where she called me because of some things happening in her life and needed me to be her shoulder. That was when I started feeling sorry for her. She had given everything up for this guy she was now with, and it meant she was lonely. I talked her through it, and I would do it again a few years later when she had to put the cat down and needed support. Maybe I was a sucker, but this is the mother of my children, and I need her to be functioning for them.
In a year or two, my kids will all be out and about in college or the "real world," and I don't think my Ex and I will talk at all...and I'm really ok with that. There's nothing I can get from her anymore. She doesn't fill any cup or anything like that. I am jealous of those folks who are friends with their exs, but that won't be me, and that's ok. As long as she continues to show care for our kids, that's all that matters.
So what's the moral of this long and stupid story? For me, it's that you can survive if a relationship ends. It's also understanding that you can't put everything into one person. It will end badly if you do. I like the person I am now post divorce SO much more than before. Hell, one of the last things my Ex said to me as we were departing from each other was, "I liked you better when you drank." That tells me everything I need to know about how she sees me. How she saw me. Now, I'm in a much better place. So if you're in a relationship, and it ends, grieve it. Be sad it ended and then move forward to better times ahead.
Of course what do I know? I'm a schmuck who got divorced. I could be wrong.
