Monday, August 08, 2005

Ramblings for the Evening (8/8/05)

O Muppets. How thou hast fallen!
Tonight on Monday Night Football, Statler and Waldorf (the old guys in the balcony) introduced the game between Miami and Chicago. Now, here's my problem. Waldorf (the one with the chin) said (and I quote), "foh shizzle." Are you kidding me? The Muppets had one of their old and venerable characters saying, "foh shizzle?" That's like Julie Andrews singing Baby Got Back: It should NEVER happen. I understand that the Muppets have to keep up with the times in order to stay with today's kids, but this is ridiculous.
The Muppets from The Muppet Show aren't the only ones who have changed. Have you watched Sesame Street lately? Cookie Monster doesn't eat cookies anymore. WHAT?! That's right, they want kids to eat more vegetables and such, so he now eats celery. Let me put it this way: a monster that got his name because he eats cookies, now eats celery. Are they going to turn him into Celery Monster? That's not all. I was told (now this could be faulty info, however) that Oscar the Grouch is...well...not really grouchy anymore. He's always happy.
If the producers want to embrace pop culture, then they should do this: First of all, Big Bird has to become a hip hop rapper and survive being shot five times by Snuffy. They can have a real East Coast/ West Coast thing going on between them. Then Grover has to be gunned down in cold blood so that B2 (Big Bird's new name) can pour a 40 on the curb for Grover every show. Next, they already made Bert and Ernie stop being roommates, so neow, Bert has to start believing in Intelligent Design and Ernie has to believe in Evolution. Instead of singing about "Rubber Ducky," they argue over which one is right. Next, Oscar the Grouch will turnout to be a sleeper cell terrorist and will be arrested by Homeland Security and a new Muppet named: Alberto the Lion. Alberto is Sesame Street's liason to Homeland Security and teachers kids how to tell adults about any wrong doings on their block. Oscar will be put in a Gitmo type prison and tortured. Am I done yet? NOT EVEN CLOSE! Elmo has to become an altar boy and be molested so that he can sing songs about how to tell your mom and dad when the priest is touching you in "Elmo's Secret Place." For that episode, Benedict XVI will guest star from the Vatican. Oh, but there's more. Zoey (the female Elmo) will start wearing pants down around her ankles and sell her cooch for heroin. The producers will also introduce Hector, the Hispanic monster who will teach kids about how to build lowriders.
Now, if you think I'm being racist, or insensitive, think about this: an old, white Muppet said, "Foh shizzle." Muppets were supposed to be role models for kids, as I recall. The world exploded when Janet Jackson's breast popped out for half a second (which, come on people, isn't that big of a deal), but they don't care that a children's puppet is peddling stereotypical ideas? Shame on you. (Thanks Bill Plaschke!)
Scooter Accident
Some kid had an accident on a scooter today. I picked August 9th for the first death after this new law went into effect. Could it be that I'm right? Look, if kids are going to riding these scooters, then a helmet law (of sorts) has to be created. I know, there are people out there who think that having to wear is "restricing their freedom." Dude, it's not about your "freedom," it's about you on a motorcycle wearing nothing but shorts, flip-flops, and sunglasses at 90 MPH. One tap from my bumper, and you're road pizza (hold the cheese). Sure, maybe that adds to your rush, but it slows down traffic (yes, I can be a little selfish here) while you're being washed off the pavement. So look kids. Just wear the right clothing and wear a helmet. I don't want my tax dollars going toward your respirator.
At the Co-Op (Wooo)
This is a rant/statement/whatever to my fellow Co-Op shoppers: You may not ever, EVER talk down to me when I am waiting in line to checkout. Do we know each other? No. Then why are you looking in my cart and talking to me about what I'm buying. So I like fish, so what? I'm buying Reynolds Wrap instead of the Recycled Aluminum, I'm going to Hell. Sheesh. Look ladies and gentlemen, I freely admit that I am not a midwesterner. I will not keep quiet when I hear something I don't like. Most people in Minnesota will just nod and say, "Oh you know. You're right, ETC. ETC." Not me. You want to comment on what I'm buying? Fine. If you make a judgement about my or my wife from what we're buying, then yes, I will verbally berate you AND your ugly child until you back off from me. Don't you ever say that I hate the Earth and am, "killing babies," because I want to buy the not-so-natural shampoo. I like that shampoo. Did you know that your breeding is leading to the death of humanity, lady? No? Well thanks for screwing up the gene pool even more. Why don't you go spend $32,000 to go clone your cat so that "Rain Dancer" will never be without her "Pooky." Don't you sit there and judge me without knowing me and tell me I'm the problem on this Earth, THEN GET IN AN SUV. Talk about hypocritical. Just back off.
Poker Sweat
This is just my opinion, but Poker is not a sport. Don't try to sell it to me as a sport, because it isn't. It's like watching Chess. The only "thrill" is in the anticipation of the moves people will make. Chess is the same way. What's next? We already have televised Rock, Paper, Scissors tournaments (also not a sport), so why don't we start a Quarters Circuit. Hot men and women playing quarters until everyone passes out. Oh, or why not have cockfights televised. I mean, at least that's physical. Want another "sport" that should be televised? How about Professional Four-Square? Wait. I've got it. How about Professional Nappers. Yeah! I mean they would move about as much as the Poker players, right? You could have rules about sleep aids (no Ny-Quil), and a uniform (single jammies...with feet). That just might work.
Ok, that's enough for tonight. Tomorrow, more about the Muppets and me (warning: If you love the Muppets, tomorrow's post may upset you).

1 comment:

Admin Worm said...

God, just beautiful.

I couldn't agree more about the Muppets. I'm disturbed that Sesame Street, the Electric Company, et al have to succumb to societal trends, no matter how abysmal.

Your co-op story reminds me of something I was going to try to write, basically an Evolution vs. Intelligent Design vs. Creation rant, in which I say I don't give shit one how you think we got here, how 'bout we just attempt to be kind to one another for our allotted 70 years?

God, we get one life and people spend it trying to be the biggest dickheads they can be.