And so Turkey Day creeps toward us. I'm almost counting the minutes until my wife and I hop in the car and drive those long, flat seven hours through Iowa into Missouri until I reach the tiny town of Raymore. If you've never heard of it...don't fret. Most people haven't. The only thing it's really known for is a golf course that a lot of Minnesota business people like to play.
I like my in-laws, don't get me wrong. It's just...well...they're born again Baptists. It's gotten better in the last couple years, but.... Let's just say I don't EVER talk about politics around them...or God...or anything that 's going to cause arguments. If I argue with them, I won't end until someone dies, and I don't think my wife will forgive me for killing her dad.
Sigh.
Ok, let's get to it.
So, without further ado: YOU EEEEEDDDDDIOOOTTT! (That's for Michele)
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Damn Minnesota Drivers!!!!!:
Look, I get it. People in this state cannot drive, but somehow it's getting worse. Today I saw a
woman not look to her right when she pulled out. She has a stop sign, I don't. I'm doing 40, and she's on a cell phone. Without even looking to see if I'm coming, she pulls out. I end up hitting my horn and shooting around her. (Here's where it gets good.) This woman speeds up and gets on my tail, then she hits me with her brights and honks. Is this the end of it? Hell no. She follows me for four miles until I stop at a gas station, gets out of her car, and proceeds to yell at me WHILE STILL ON HER CELLPHONE. That's right, whoever she was talking to got to listen while this woman berated me about cutting HER off. I'm sorry, I always thought that a stop sign meant YOU STOP WHILE I PASS BY, JACKASS!Now, as you may or may not remember, dear reader, I haven't been sleeping, AND I've been stressed out. I did something I have only done once before: I decided to show this lady the full and awesome power of my anger. After listening to her yell at me for about a minute, I grabbed her phone from her hand, told the person on the other end, "She'll call you back later," took off the battery from the back and whipped it into the grass across the street. Then, before she could say anything, I said, "Listen you stupid cunt. YOU cut ME off back there. You never even looked to see me coming. I'm sorry that God didn't grant you any fucking brains OR looks, but the very fact that you were ON THE PHONE and DIDN'T LOOK is the real problem. People like you are the reason why GOD INVENTED ABORTION, BITCH! You better step the fuck off before I go into my car, grab my bat and show your car what it would have looked like if I hadn't been a good driver. Ok? The best part? The guy on the other side of the pump started clapping. This wasn't the end, however. The woman then said, "You threatened me. And you broke my phone. I'm calling the police and sueing your ass."
I was ready for this.
"Go ahead. I will ask them to get your cell phone records for the time. It will show that were on the phone and not paying attention to the road. THEN, I will counter sue for emotional damage and for a frivolous lawuit. I WILL BLEED YOU DRY. And then, when your homeless and having to explain to your children why you live in a box, I will show up and give them money with explicit instructions to leave you in that box. And finally, when you're dead, I WILL PISS ON YOUR GRAVE. Any questions?"
Did I overreact? Oh very much so. I could also tell by this woman's expression that she was not ready for any of this. I asked her again if she was going to call the cops. She said no. I apologized to her for screaming, to which she apologized back for not paying attention. I suggested that she get a hands-free set and to not follow people anymore. "When you follow a person, it usually puts them on edge."
My wife thinks I overreacted way too much, and I'm lucky I wasn't killed. I just want people in this state to learn to drive correctly.
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He's got X-Boxelitis: (or this one's for DeRusha)
So I had three classes today. The breakdown was as follows: 39 in first hour, 34 in second, and
27 in fourth. Total that's 100 kids. Now, the kids actually there were: 27 in first, 24 in second, and (drumroll) 15 in fourth. That means I had only 66 out of 100 kids or 2/3. Another way to put it is 33% were missing. Wait, it gets better. Out of 33 kids, 15 were out for vacation or being sick or just plain skipping for some reason. 18 kids were out with their new X-Box 360s. How do I know these 18 kids were out with X-Boxelitis? Let's see, yesterday a few of them told me they wouldn't be in, others left notes. THEY LEFT NOTES!Mr. Leab,
I won't be in today, because I was able to get an X-Box 360. Timmy brought my homework, so please make sure it's added to my grade.
Have a great Thanksgiving,
James
(Names have been changed to protect the stupid.)
Come on people. It's JUST a video game machine. It can't solve world hunger, and for God's sake, it won't help you get through high school. Sure, it helps you blow off steam, but you couldn't make it two more days until break?
Then again, how many people will out with some sort of mysterious ailment tomorrow?
If students put in as much energy to their homework as they did avoiding school, their lives (and my life) would be easier.
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World's Ugliest Dog Dies:
No one cries. Wonder why that is? Could it be because the dog looked like it had been reanimated through a voodoo curse? Seriously, look at this dog and tell me I'm wrong.
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Random Insomnia Thought:
I thought of a great argument for a classroom. Maybe it's been done, I don't know, but here it is:
Was George Orwell actually a prophet when it came to where the government was going and what it would do, or did he give certain people the ideas on how to control the people.
In essence, was he a visionary, or the cause of the problem?
On the one hand, I could see how people look at Orwell and say, "Wow, in the 1950s he was talking about the government controlling people's thoughts and (shock of shocks) lying to us. That's insane." But don't you think it's more likely that a few people read 1984 and said, "That would WORK! Now, how can I push the government that way?" Seriously.
Or is it just me?
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Rivalries Go TOO Far:
This past weekend was rivalry weekend in College Football. Now, before you say, "Who the hell cares, Leab!" hear me out. In Alabama, a couple of guys at a frat party on the Alabama campus were stabbed for wearing Auburn colors. Alabama takes it's football super-duper seriously. (Right, Sherye?) It's not the only place, however. A guy in Ohio was grabbed by three men and thrown out a window for wearing Michigan colors. Hell, it's happened to me too.
When my wife and I moved to Minnesota, we drove from Michigan (where we worked the summer after graduation) across Wisconsin. Our Ryder truck was a lemon and we had to stop and spend the night in Madison. Unfortunately for me, it was Saturday, a rivalry week, and Wisconsin was playing against Michigan. Why is that a problem? I was wearing dark blue. So, Mrs. Leab and I duck into an Applebee's for dinner. Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, is wearing red, and there I am wearing blue. I was threatened, I had a beer dumped in my lap, and one guy threw a quarter at my head. I never said I was a Michigan fan, I just had the colors on in the wrong place. Our lemon Ryder truck, which had Michigan plates, was also tagged with Wisconsin colors (probably from a spray can). Not a good night, folks.It's getting worse. People take the rivalries SO far that parents won't speak to children, brothers and sisters fight, and worse, husbands and wives leave the house. One guy I know went to Virginia, and his wife went Virginia Tech. Every year, when the schools meet, the loser from the previous year has to go a hotel for the weekend. I'm not kidding. Either he or she goes to a hotel from Thursday night until Sunday afternoon. That's rough and kinda crazy. Yes, the term fan was born from fanatic, but there has to be line. Stabbing someone? Crosses the line. Kicking out your spouse? Crosses the line. Pouring beer on a guy you don't know? Well that's why you paid my tab (the waitress went to Michigan...hehehe).
And finally:
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Hello Anger, My Old Friend... (A la Simon & Garfunkel...anyone?)
I've been feeling angry again. This is a time of year when we're supposed to be humane with each other, but more and more I see people not caring. I watched an old woman ask two people for help before a third person came over and pulled down an item for her from the top shelf at Byerly's. I saw a kid tell her mom, "who cares about them? It should be about me."
It just depresses me.
Worm talked about people with broad shoulders. The difference is that I can't just go through the motions. I can't just nod and give the pat answer. I wish I could. Even when the person is a complete stranger (like everyone who talks to me on planes), I fully listen.
I can't really explain it.
Ah screw it.
If you see me on WCCO holding a stick of dynamite, remember two things:
1. My left side is my good side and
2. I only talk to J.D.
Ok, maybe I won't be that extreme.
4 comments:
it like "hello darkness my old friend!"
-bt
See, Greta, you are smart.
Leab, I say good for you about the women in the car. Yes, you may have over reacted, but so did she (and she was in the wrong the whole time!)and afterwards you did apologize, so I say good for you! I bet she does not do it again, and perhaps she will tell her story and someone else will not be so stupid in the future! We can at least hope. :)
Have a great Thanksgiving, and try to relax and get some sleep on your 4 days off!
Schools get too much money
Teachers are overpaid.
The money would be better served in other more important programs.
People like you are bankrupting me.
You suck.
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