Thursday, November 24, 2005

Slander a la Leab (11/22/05)

Ok, so I won't be around to post until Sunday night. However, I figured because so many of you actually responded to my attempt at slander (shows you how much people miss you, Slanderizer), I would do it again.
Hope you enjoy this week's entry:
Sinister Truths Revealed at Photo Shoot

The September issue of Mpls St.Paul Magazine featured an article about Minnesota News Anchors (and lovebirds) Frank Vascellaro and Amelia Santaniello. Beyond the beautiful shots of their home, a few secrets were revealed when the I.T. Team showed up to watch the shoot. A few tidbits are now revealed (thanks to the court lifting our "gag.":
Amelia talked about “needing her chiropractor,” to get through the day. “Chiropractor,” is in fact a code-name for her drug dealer. He meets her every Thursday just outside of the WCCO news building, where she gets a combination of Vicodin and Cocaine.
Frank is an alcoholic. He talked about the fact that he can’t live without, “the quick-pull wine opener.” Careful observation (and snooping through garbage) discovered that Mr. Vascellaro drinks three bottles of wine a day. That’s right, a day. Even during the shoot, Frank was “reeking of merlot” according to the photographer, and he needed a break to throw up in the sink behind him.

Amelia, all the while, just tapped her feet and muttered something about her chiropractor.
Because of the couple’s crazy schedule, they keep a full team (about 5) of Colombian refugees in their basement as slaves. At one point, one of the twins (Joe) spilled cereal on the floor, after being told (by Frank), “You know the punishment for insubordination,” the basement door opened and what appeared to be two under-fed people wearing rags on their bodies and collars around their necks started sweeping the floor.
Joe and Francesca are not the couple’s kids. In fact the twins are actually the offspring of two of the Colombian slaves. When her real mother appeared to start cleaning, Francesca tried to run away from the table. What the viewers couldn’t see was that Frank had her tethered to the table. She couldn’t get to her mother even if she tried. We knew not to intercede, because the couple warned everyone visiting their house that attempts to free the children, “will be met with serious repercussions. Don’t make us call 'The Don' down here.”
The couple’s “first child” (also known as Sam) is, in fact, not a child. He is a 32 year old little person named Emilio. He poses as the couple’s son in exchange for food, a green card, and the occasional hooker.
Anyone who wants to see the couple’s home should approach it with caution. Frank, not wanting attention when off the news set, hired an ex-marine to lay down booby traps for anyone who approaches the perimeter. So far only Amelia's father wasn't ready.


Meridita said...


Oh! and Happy Turkey Day, Leab!

Meridita said...

It's Monday. Where are you!?!

faith said...

Now it is the end of Tues. I miss you... is everything OK?????

Meridita said...

What Faith said... DUDE! Where ARE you!!!

Admin Worm said...

C'mon, now. I have four links on my site, and two aren't writing anymore.

What gives?

Leab said...

Just been REALLY busy.