Slander a la Leab (12/1/05)

Wow, I've only tried a few of these, but apparently the new "Slander" portion of the blog is very popular. I had several emails from people telling me who they want targeted next. I also received a few emails from people telling me to be ashamed of myself for targeting "a good Minnesota family."
You know...when I moved to Minnesota, I was told people here had a GREAT sense of humor. I'm starting to doubt that EVERYONE does. I think it's really a minority....And most of them are transplants. Maybe that's too harsh.
Let's get to tonight's Slanderama!
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A Prairie Throwdown!
As everyone in the Minnesota Blogoverse (and other places as well) are aware of, "Rex" of the fantastic blog of the year MNSpeak sold a shirt which made fun of local entertainer Garrison Keillor's beloved show. Now most people understand a joke is a joke, but for some reason Keillor and his Lake Woebegon Law Team (they bleed you dry, but apologize the whole time) decided to come after "Rex". This is old news.
However, The I.T. Team managed to be present at all of the legal proceedings between Mr. Sorgatz and Mr. Keillor. What we discovered will make promoters, fans, and Minnesotans everywhere salivate: The two men will settle the problem in the most ancient fashion known to man: A fifteen round boxing match. You heard it here first folks.
The fight has been signed by none other than that mogul of the mat: Don "Only in America" King.
On December 17, "Rex "the Titanium Typist" Sorgatz will battle Garrison "The Lake Woebegon Battler" Keillor. The fight will take place not at the Fitzgerald, but at the Target Center. Both men had to be talked into this neutral site as neither man really wanted to be in St. Paul.
Not since the battle between Wassily Kandinsky and Pablo Picasso has the world of art & literature been so abuzz about a feud between two of its members. One local blogger put it best: "This fight makes all the hip-hop feuds look tame. If these men owned them, they would bust out their gats and do it gangland style."
The fight has many noted Minnesotans talking. On his most recent podcast, Senator Norm Coleman stated, "Paul Wellstone will probably crawl out of his grave to watch this...it's that exciting."
Coleman quickly retracted that statement with a Kennedyesque "Er, um, uh."
When asked about the fight, Mr. King began speaking with his typical flamboyance:
"This could be the greatest fight in the history of the world. On the one hand you have the young upstart. A man whose sheer presence in the blogging world has changed the very face of the Internet. His opponent is a crafty veteran of both literature and drama. When you hear the name of Garrison Keilor, you immediately think of the slow drawl, the quiet town, and the upcoming movie (which I helped produce). ONLY IN AMERICA!"
When pressed about naming this fight, Mr. King got very contemplative.
"I don't know yet. I was originally thinking 'The Throwdown in Hometown', but too many people thought that was odd and misleading.
'The Fight in the Snow Blight' didn't really make sense either. Right now, I'm leaning toward 'The Hostility in the TC.' Then Mr. King spent the next 20 minutes speaking about Tyson and other things the I.T. team couldn't really understand.
It's important to note that Mr. Keillor has done everything he can to avoid this fight. A recent transcript was delivered to the I.T. Team by none other than...Woody Harrelson. The man who will be portraying "Lefty" in the upcoming Prairie Home Companion movie came forward with a proposition that Mr. Keillor made to him:
GK (Keillor): How would you like to get a...bigger part in this movie?
WH (Harrelson): What would I have to do?
GK: There's a gentleman in this town causing me...anguish. I want him...removed. Would you be willing to do it?
WH: Mr. K, I don't know what you think I am. I'm just an actor...and a part-time activist.
GK: Look...I want Mr. Sorgatz taken down for what he did.
WH: Uh....Yeah....What did he do?
GK: He sullied the good name of Prairie Home Companion!!!
WH: I think I have to go, sir....
Mr. Harrelson has also indicated that Mr. Keillor has also hired a bunch of thugs he christened "The Lake Woebegon Bullies."
Get your tickets now, folks, because this fight is going to be one for the ages.