Thursday, January 05, 2006

Thursday Night Fatigue (or No, I'm not Slandering Tonight)

Sorry folks, there's no slander this week.
First of all, my wife is really sick. I'm officially on hair-holding duty. She didn't even get out of bed today, which means she's really sick. I'm overly macho, but my wife is a workaholic. She feels she HAS to go to work. She was going to try, but as she sat up, her stomach told her, "Lie back down, bitch!"
She has estimated her stomach has emptied eight times today. I was at work for three of those.
As such, there wasn't anytime for me to craft my slander. Plus, I wasn't really feeling it this week.
I thought about smacking Pat Robertson around, but
Worm has that covered quite nicely. Still, Pat Robertson: You're an ASS!
This got me thinking though. A colleague of mine is extremely religious. So much so that this person's family does not celebrate Halloween (it's evil, dammit!), but actually dresses up and goes to church celebrates All Saints Day.
I offended this colleague today when I heard this person (I am avoiding the person's sex to tip off who it is) talking about how God is punishing the world, and Revelations is happening now.
Annoyed, I said what I have told anyone who has ever asked me my opinion on the bible.
"Revelations is the only chapter that takes place in the future. It is told by someone more or less anonymous and was written as if it would occur the day after the pen was put down. In my honest opinion (yes, notice I'm still in quotes here), Revelations is nothing more than an acid trip.
Someone bit down on some Wacky Weed or drink the funky Kool-Aid and saw serpents, seven-eyed lambs, etc."
That's right. I think it's all a chemical induced vision. I once got so drunk my cats talked to me. Should I stone them to death now?

If you want to believe in the Bible as a literal piece, that's your business and more power to you. However, if I don't want to, leave me alone. Don't tell me, "You'll burn in Hell." That just makes me want to make more comments about how, oh I don't know, Jesus can't be a blue-eyed white man. Look at his descriptions people. He was born in the middle-east, had nappy (my word, theirs is hair like wool) hair. Face it. NOT A WHITE MAN!
Look, the bottom line is this: Pat Robertson said what he said about Ariel Sharon for publicity. Most people have never heard of Robertson. Most people also can't identify who the 37th President was (uh, who is Nixon, Alex?), which means Robertson has to be controversial to get press. He once said, "Sharon is a good friend." Now he says God no like Ariel.
Press, Press, Press. There's no such thing as bad publicity, right O.J?
I'll leave you with this tonight as I must tend to my wife.
This sight contains the names and samples of music used in commercials. You watched a Pontiac commercial and want the name of the song? It's on this sight.
Go check it out.
I think my next slander piece is going to have to be about WCCO's new set.
I gotta go, I'm being beckoned to hold hair.


Voix said...

One word: METAPHOR!

Geez, god save us all from they who can't distinguish parable, prophecy, and portentious doom.

Happy hair holding. May the bugs pass quickly to their demise and may you disinfect quickly, banishing all foul smells from your home.

Admin Worm said...


Even if Revelation is a metaphor, would you not agree it's a metaphor for some really, really bad shit?

I doubt that the events described therein will be any easier to bear by comforting oneself that "Well, at least it's only a metaphor."

Leab said...

It's all about the John Glenn Principle, Tom.

faith said...

I hope your wife feels better soon, and you do not catch it!!! I also think you are quite a guy for holding her hair back for her. (Although a scrunchy or binder works too for those of us NOT lucky enough to have a great hubby/boyfriend who will hold our hair back for us)You really have a lucky wife. There are not a lot of people out there who would do that for each other!!! Take Care and good health wishes sent to your and your wife!