Ramblings for the Evening (04/26/06)

I hate testing time. It ALWAYS seems to be testing time (Thanks NCLB!). Sigh.
Justin, stop biting your hands. Yeah, you heard me.
All right, let's just get to it.
So, without further ado: JESUS NEVER PUNTS!
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Airline Intrigue:
Anybody read USA Today? I do. I like the pretty color pictures! Ok, so I get it to balance the Pioneer Press and Star Tribune (it falls almost right in the middle). I've said it before: I read about six newspapers a day, as well as multiple blogs. I like to read. My students don't get that.
So, two days last week being dedicated to MCA testing (Hate...it...so...much), I had the chance to really dig over every single word of the paper more than once (usually I read only a few articles more than once). A few days ago, the business section of the paper discussed the amenities of the airlines. Almost NONE of the airlines give food or headphones for free. It's insane. Most airlines charge $5 for a sandwich. Are you kidding me? A sandwich? I can actually get a better sandwich for less at Panera Bread. Headphones? Hey, they're $3 a pop. Sigh. I actually bring my own, but, funny story, the last time I tried to use them on a plane, the attendant tried to take them away. I'm not kidding. She pulled them down from my head and said, "Sir, you cannot use those on this flight. However, if you wish to listen to the movie or music, I can give you a headset...for three dollars."
I think the only thing louder than the jaws of the passengers around me hitting the floor was my, "Yeah...right, lady!" That's proposterous. What's next? "Sir, did you bring that food on the plane? Yeah, I'm going to have to take that and make you watch as I put it outside at 35,000 feet. Have a nice day!"
Even better is the fact that Airbus (at least I believe it's Airbus) is adding standing room only seats. Padded backboards with belt buckles. Wow, do you get a drink with that?
Look, I hate flying. It's not the turbulence or the fear of crashing (Lord knows after all the near-misses and not so near-misses, I'm not scared of that anymore...just can't sleep on a plane). No, my issue is with the other people and the fact that it's like taking a bus in the sky. I prefer trains. Seriously. The best part of being in Europe a while back was taking the train to get around. It was fantastic. I truly wish we had a system like that here. I don't mean the current Amtrak system. I mean the bullet train that goes 300 miles per hour. I would go from here to New York by train. I would.
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Stephen Colbert:
The man is hysterical. That's how I feel, whether you agree or not. I don't know how you feel about him, dear reader, but he consistently makes me laugh. Ever since the report he did on whether or not Prince Charles was gay (see the pic on the left), he has never stopped being funny. Over the weekend he was hosting the White House Correspondents' Dinner. I couldn't sleep so I flipped around and found him on C-Span (don't knock it...it's a good channel). It was the end of the dinner, and Colbert was giving the keynote speech. It was hysterical, but the crowd...never laughed. At least the audio wasn't good enough to hear a single laugh. As he roastd the media, the administration, and such, there wasn't a peep. The only laugh came when he bit his thumb (if any of my students are reading this, you should get what that means) at Scalia...and the judge returned the gesture.
Colbert ever had a movie where he tried to escape from Helen Thomas and her incisive questions. It was brilliant. The crowd? Hated it. They were silent. It was as if Colbert stood up there and extolled the virtues of Hitler. Sigh.
Humor is a dying art. No one appreciates a sutble ribbing. If you don't watch The Colbert Report, you need to start doing it. It's smart humor. Very smart.
That being said, Mr. Colbert, should you ever read this. Make sure you point out that USA Today mentioned all the stars who were at the dinner...except you. They never mentioned you sir. Apparently they don't like your truthiness.
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Prom Time:
Hey, hey: Prom is on Friday night. Am I going? No. Was I invited? Sadly, for the second year in a row, yes.
Last year it was a guy and a girl. This year? A lovely senior asked me. I guess it would have been a lark to show up...but I love my job.
That leads to the next question: Would I chaperone? That's a tou....NO!
Granted, if I did chaperone, I would show up in my tux (I have a Humphrey Bogart tux with the white coat and black pants), but it ain't happening folks.
The reason I bring up Prom is because I am amazingly shocked at how much people will spend on this ONE NIGHT. If it were a wedding, it's one thing. That's an event that's, sadly, designed to be lavish. But Prom is just a dance. One girls told me that the whole night will cost her almost $1,000. WHAT!!!!? That's insane. INSANE!
I asked her to explain the breakdown. The money went to:
The limo
The dress
The hair
The nails
The tickets (which are now $75 this week...mine were never that expensive.)
The shoes
The boutonnière (The guy's lapel flower for the uninitiated.)
That comes out to 1K. Oy vey.
What's worse? That doesn't take into account when they go into more than one. One of my seniors is going to three proms. THREE! Holy Moses, dear readers. That's frightening. Crazy, even. She'll spend almost two grand to head to these proms.
I also look at these places that now allow you to reserve a dress and let others know it's yours. Wow. Don't buy that dress, Melanie! Jamie already got it.
Sigh.
Maybe it's because I'm a guy. You just need a tux, a corsage, and the ability smile over...and over...and over. Oh, and to pay for dinner.
Look, it's a dance. That's it. People make it into way too big of an event. My ten year high school is coming up. I talked to three people (basically to tell them I'm not coming and will probably never return to the school...ever) and all three didn't mention Prom. If Prom is the end all, be all of your high school career...there are issues, folks. I'm just saying....
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Doe! A Deer...in my Yard:
My neighbor came over tonight to thank my wife and I for babysitting (She has a toddler who thinks I'm funny...stupid kid...just kidding...sort of). As we stood there talking about how great the kid is and the such, we heard a noise, like someone traipsing through my lilac bushes. We walk around to the back and there, standing in my roses...is a large doe. Both of us froze.
There is a moment when you see an animal, no matter how harmless it is, where your brain goes:
"Holy crap. Free food."
Just kidding. It goes:
"Holy crap. What do I do now? Hmm. Options...now!"
Then you start playing out the scenarios.
My neighbor and I stood there staring at the deer, and she stared back. Here's the issue, however. My neighbor's car was against the other side of my yard, which meant the only way out...was through us. The deer stood fast and quiet for a few minutes (and chewed on one of my plants), then, having had its fill, it wanted to leave.
The doe...moved toward us. My neighbor bolted. I just stood there as the doe bounced by me. Deer are fascinating creatures in the way they move. This doe was obviously afraid of me (most people and creatures are), and she bounced by me. It was beautiful.
Maybe I'm just sappy.
And finally:
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Confusing Bumper Sticker:
Ok, dear readers, I want your opinions on something here.
As I drove home tonight, I read a bumper sticker that read "Republican for Voldemort".
What does that mean?
Is it a Liberal ripping on Republicans saying they would vote for evil?
Is it a Republican saying that he/she likes Harry Potter?
You tell me, dear reader.
Until tomorrow...or later,
Namaste.