When it rains, it pours, then your house floods, then your cat drowns, then the insurance company won't pay for the damages, then your sibling won't take you in, and you credit card is maxed out.
I'm really not having a good day here.
So, without further ado: I'D LIKE TO CUT YOUR HEAD OFF, SO I CAN WEIGH IT! WHAT DO YOU SAY?
These are the People in Your Neighborhood:
I really like most of my neighbors. I've said that before many times. However, my overall neighborhood is hit or miss.
Now, next tuesday is National Night Out. My neighbors and I are throwing a party. I'm bringing the grill and wine, they're bringing the meat and veggies, and everyone else who comes is to bring chairs and side dishes.
I drew the short straw, so I got to be the one who went around with flyers to each of the neighbors.
It sounded great in my head. "Hey, I'm the guy who lives in the brown house down there. They call me Leab. We're having a party for National Night Out, and we'd love you to be there."
So...here's what happens instead.
One house sees me coming...and turns on the sprinklers. I step back and do the person across the street first (he just moved in and wanted to meet people). The sprinklers are off, so I decide to go back. As soon as I touch the walkway, they turn on again. It's at this point I see the guy turning them on and off by the window. I'm not going to give up, so I keep coming up even though I'm gettting wet. When I get to the door, the guy takes the flyer and crumples it up in front of me.
"See you there," I say.
"No you won't, fag," I hear back.
One couple told me they weren't coming because, "it's too far away. Unless it's in front of our house...forget it."
Never mind that it's four doors down. God forbid these people...walk or something.
The people who didn't want to come, rather than just give a polite, "Thanks, but no thanks," had to do something to make me go away.
How hard is it to just say, "No thanks," when asked?
It's no wonder that more and more people are becoming socially inept. It's no wonder that people have no manners. Look at the role models.
I get that people hate having Jehovah's Witnesses show up at their door, but come on now.
Et Tu, Monopoly?:
Monopoly, the board game that many people claim to love (but few finish) is getting a major overhaul this upcoming fall. The game, which has been around for over 70 years (that's amazing...) will no longer be based on Atlantic City (If you didn't know, the avenues are in or near Atlantic City). Instead the new "Here and Now" edition will have American landmarks, such as Wrigley Field, Times Square, and the Golden Gate Bridge.
But wait...THERE'S MORE!
The railroads have been replaced. Who takes the train anymore? (I know, Dad, I know...ssshhh.)
The railroads will now be...airports. Four famous airports from around the US. JFK! LAX! O'HARE! I have no clue what the fourth will be!
Is that all? Heck no!
New playing pieces are being introduced. No longer will we see the Boot, the Car, and the Dog. NOOOOO! That's so 1930's! Instead we will have to wait, but they are promising "more hip" pieces (though they are to be a surprise, the rumor is that there will be the following:
A cell phone
An ipod-like piece
A "modern" car)
And the capper? No more paper money.
That's right, the paper money, much like in real life, is being replaced with a debit card. You'll run the card through the included "ATM" and that's how you'll buy things, pay for things, and get your $200 when you pass go.
It's modern, which is great, but I'll miss the paper. It's like Risk. You ever play Risk? They're changing it to reflect a more modern world, and it's going to be electronic.
There was something fun about the setup. That was the point. You took the time to be civil and set up the game. The end was always crazy (or abandoned in the case of Monopoly), but the begninning was great.
All I ask is this: If you're going to change all the old games, Life has to be next and has to reflect the reality we live in now:
Lost your job to outsourcing! Go back and find a new career.
Spouse left you for best friend, leaves children with you. Remove from car, lose a turn, and feel the shame of knowing your couldn't give your spouse what was needed!
Child is abducted and killed in Utah. Remove one child, lose a turn, lose cash, and feel the shame of being a bad parent!
And, when you get to "Retirement": Assess your wealth. If you have X amount of cash, you may retire, otherwise you go to work at local super store.
Any takers or ideas?
Uh oh, Uh oh...Sherpa Time!
So here's the story, morning glory.
Like the selfless sherpa I am, I carried my son throughout my wife's work today. I watched as a few of her co-workers fawned over the Poozer (that's good), fawned over my wife's breasts (that's bad), and made comments about me not, "being one of them" (which I could care less about...though it is rude).
Part of the time I spent talking to one of my wife's co-workers (Wanda, who I really like...because we are amazingly alike) about her upcoming trip to Cincinnati (or America's Mole).
And then there was lunch.
I didn't realize that the people invited were all in my wife's new group within her company. It was mostly women, which I expected. There were 12 people, 2 men including myself and another guy named Ken.
My wife's boss, however...did not show up. Now he had a viable excuse (so his admin said) of his wife having to have Gall Bladder surgery due to huge stones. My father almost had that surgery, so I'll let it go.
The problem, however, was that the whole reason I was there was to take care of the baby so my wife and her boss, "could connect." With him hot there, it became pointless.
Lunch was Buca in Maple Grove, which is a nice restaurant, but we were in the Pope Room, which was small and hot. There wasn't enough room for the baby to be in the Baby Holder Thingy they brought, so...my son and his car seat sat on the lazy susan at the cent of the table with only the Pope's faux head to protect him. Many times during lunch, he was spun around so that people could look at him, poke at him, or talk about him.
Let's look at some fun topics:
1. Breast issues: We talked about 16 year old girls getting fake boobs (apparently a woman at my wife's work is buying breasts for her daughter's sweet 16). They also talked about breasts getting beaten due to feeding. Ken and I shrank a little.
2. Defending public schools: That was up to me. See most people there have kids in private schools, and one gal was homeschooled and talked about how she was so much smarter than the other kids in college. I defended as best I could. I also slipped at one point and ripped on the homeschooled gal talking about the social aspects and more (she married an actual rocket scientist...and he's apparently afraid of me because of the way I talk, how animated I get, and the fact that I have crazy stories).
3. How men don't do anything: This was my favorite part. First of all, I didn't get to eat. I ordered soup, but I never got to eat it, because when it arrived, my son woke up and wanted to eat. By the time I was done feeding and changing him, my soup, which I never even took a bite of, was gone. ("It had gotten cold," I was told. "It needed to go." Never mind that it could have been warmed up?)
Now, as I mentioned, I fed my son. I got the hot water, I warmed the bottle, and I fed him. Then, when he filled his diaper, I excused myself and changed him in the bathroom. (Ken, followed me and talked my ear off. It was obvious he NEEDED a guy to talk to working with all those women.)
I returned to the table to overhear a conversation about how men never help out.
"Never?" I asked. "What about me?"
"Well this is only one time. Do you do it all the time?"
"I've changed almost every diaper since he was born. Does that count?"
"What else have you done?"
"Well, what else do I need to do? Seriously. What do men need to do to be considered 'helpful' by you?"
"Feed the baby, change the baby...basically make it so I can relax for a while."
"Isn't that what I'm doing?"
"Do you do this every day?"
"Yes. I just said I change every diaper just about. I can't feed him all the time as he is breastfed. He will be weaned eventually."
"Whatever" the quiet girl in the corner says ending the conversation.
4. My wife drinking: This is a big deal. Basically my wife is a great deal like her father. She LOVES being the center of attention. She will drink and then party it up. Minnesotans, who are mostly reserved, love this because it's fascinating to them. It's something they can't do.
I heard over and over again about how my wife will be, "partying it up," when she comes back to work. "I mean you can pump and dump, right?" asks one co-worker.
All in all...it was a waste. My wife got a headache because she missed a feeding. I got to deal with incredibly annoying people, one of whom remembered me from the Christmas party we went to (the one with carols and such) because I was, "The Jew."
However, I love my wife. I would kill for her.
So I deal.