Thursday, December 22, 2005

Slander a la Leab (12/22/05)

I've been getting mail about the Sorgatz/Keillor fight almost everyday since Saturday.
"Who won?" has been the most popular question.
Well, I'll do my best to answer.
Will everyone be happy? No. You can't please everyone, folks.
So, let's get to tonight's SLANDERAMA!

Disappointing End to "Fight of the Century":
Saturday night's "Throwdown in Downtown" had a dismal finish according to the fans.
"I feel ripped off," news anchor Julie Nelson told I.T. "I wanted blood. I didn't get it. This is worse than when I got Crabs...uh, can you leave that last part out?"
Celebrity bad boy Colin Farrell had another take on it.
"These fans were shown something that was worse than my last film...and that was bad."
What were they complaining about? Well, the fight had to be called in the third round when the celebrity known as Fan Man (pictured right) crashed into the ring disrupting what was, up to that point, a very exciting boxing match.
In the first round, Keillor came out like a rabid wolverine. "I was very proud of him," Eric Perkins said. "He had a game plan, and he stuck to it.
Keillor took the offensive right away. "It was incredible," commentator Max Kellerman said. "Keillor looks like the freakin' Mummy, but he came out swinging."
Sorgatz was not prepared for this. "You could see it in his eyes," Kellerman added. "Rex may be a fierce warrior, but he was not expecting Keillor to START on the offensive."
30 seconds into the first round, Keillor, who was laying on a barrage of body blows, hit a right cross on Sorgatz's face. The Titanium Typist wasn't expecting this, and he went down for the first (and only time) of the night.
"It was tasteless for Keillor to dance like that," Sorgatz's cornerwoman Margaret Andrews said.
"He knocks him down once, and Garrison dances like Michael Flatley? Tasteless."
Sorgatz would get up quickly and, after a quick check by referee Mills Lane, would take the fight back to Keillor. The two spent the rest of the round dancing around each other and landing the occasional jab. As the bell rung, the Battler swung around hard, but Sorgatz ducked. The blow clocked Lane knocking him down.
"That may have been my favorite part," local boy made good Josh Hartnett mused. That and when Diddy invited us (Hartnett brought his "friend" Scarlett Johansson) to his and Shelby's party. It was dope."
Lane would be fine, but a longer break would be needed between rounds 1 and 2 in order for Lane to have a cut on his eye stitched.
Round 2 saw a complete change in the fighter's demeanors. Keillor, obviously upset over hitting Lane, was timid. Sorgatz, on the other hand, came out like a raging bull.
Sources say the change in Sorgatz came from something Andrews told him during the break.
"I'm not repeating it," she said. "All I know is, it helped."
Sorgatz took the second round easily, even cutting Keillor above his nose. The fans roared with approval at the blood.
"That's what I came her for," shouted Vikings quarterback Daunte Culpepper. "Keep that shit rolling!"
As the bell rung to end round 2, The Typist knew he had won the round. He lifted his arms and shouted to the crowd, "This is what you want! Show me the love!"
Andrews quickly corralled him into the corner and shut him up.
As round 3 started, all three comentators agreed: The fight was even at a round a piece. However, that would be the end of it. Sorgatz started dancing like Muhammad Ali did Foreman in Zaire. He stayed away from Keillor. It was as Sorgatz reached the fourth post that Fan Man crashed into the ring, knocking over a camera man, and getting stuck in the ropes.
"I was furious," Don King explained after the fight. "That man ruined one of the best fights I had ever put together."
According to International Boxing Federation (IBF) rules, any outside interference will cause the fight to be called a draw.
That's exactly what happened. Both men were disappointed.
"This isn't over," Keillor told the press afterwords. "We'll do this again. I will show him that I am the Sid Vicious of boxing."
"What the hell does that mean?" Sorgatz responded upon hearing Keillor's statement. "Sid Vicious? Ok then. Will I fight him again? Yeah. I had just opened up a can of whoop ass on him, and both Margaret and I were convinced he'd be KO'd by round five."
King was pleased to hear that both men were willing to fight again.
"Oh it will be grand. I don't know if it will be here in Minnesota, but I would love to see these two go again. Maybe at the Quest. People seem to like to fight over there. Only in America!"
Fans, upset by the rule, booed when told the fight was a draw.
"I paid $4,000 for ringside seats and a hooker," Chris Conangla complained. "I better get free seats to the next fight...or a free hooker."
Organizers have already said Fan Man will be banned from the arena for the next fight.
When asked when the next fight would be, King said, "Well, how does an April fight sound? Shouldn't be any snow then, right?"
Obviously Mr. King doesn't know Minnesota very well.
Both boxer's parties had no comment about an April fight.
There was action outside the ring as well.
-After the fight, Colin Farrell gave his phone number to Andrews and told her, "Darling. I like what I see. You could probably make me go fifteen rounds. Call me."
When asked if she would, Andrews said, "I have no clue what the hell that man just said, but no comment."
-Mike Tice was a notable absence. He apparently scalped his tickets.
-Diddy and Don Shelby's (or as Diddy called him, "Dondy") party was a huge success. Prince, Gwen Stefani, Governor Pawlenty (who apparently got freaky with the first lady of Minnesota in front of everyone), and other celebrities partied HARD in one of the suites. Jason DeRusha, a favorite of Mr. Shelby's, was allowed in to the party.
"Don was dancing on a table wearing no pants and slinging Tequila around like it was water in the desert."
When asked if he did anything crazy or wild, DeRusha responded. "I'm a member of the MSM (Mainstream Media). I have no comment."
However, Winona Ryder told I.T., "If he (DeRusha) weren't married, I'd be all over him."
-The Keillor post fight party took place at Jitters and included poetry readings.
-The Sorgatz post fight party took place at Drink. Sources say the entire crew was there until 3 as the owners were afraid to ask them to leave.
-And, in a stunning revelation, local gossip columnist CJ was shut out of the Diddy/Dondy party and is now calling the two men sexist AND racist. "There were no black women in there!"
However, a check of the guest list found two things:
1. There were several women of color in the party
2. There was a note from Diddy next to CJ's name. It read Do not let that crazy bitch in. She's always up in my grill. She's worse than J. Lo.
-The undercard for the fight featured a debate between Jon Stewart and Bill O'Reilly about the War on Christmas (the crowd decided to boo O'Reilly out of the building). The other scheduled match between Ann Coulter and Bill Maher was canceled when the two decided to just go off and screw each other. No one cared.


faith said...

Wow, not at all what I expected! Thank you for the update!

Admin Worm said...

Geez, Slanderizer better quit crap out a post before Dec. 31 so Shitty Pages can award them "Best Locally Generated Blog" accolades.

You should win hands-down, leab.

Jason DeRusha said...

No question! This is fantastic. But in the blog world-- will there be something called the "City Pages Curse"? Much like landing on the cover of Sports Illustrated guarantees a bad week in football.... landing the "best locally generate blog" guarantees you'll stop posting.

And by the way-- some day Don Shelby will figure out how to do a technorati search... and this blog will come up. I'd like to see his reaction.

Leab said...

Oh come on.
I won't win for the City Pages.
I'm just some schmuck.
MN Speak should be nominated.
Jason should be nominated
You too Worm.
I'd vote for MN Speak, personally.

Leab said...

On a side note, I would love for Shelby to either read this or Searching for Sherno.
Chapter four has him in a...Brandoesque role.
If I ever meet him, I am so calling him Dondy and telling him he's the new Diddy.
Then, as security beats me to a pulp, I'm gonna laaaugh.