Thursday, January 19, 2006

Slander a la Leab (01/19/06)

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday.
Tomorrow brings the second sweetest day of the week: Friday.
Friday, of course, comes from the Latin word Fridas, which means freedom.*
So, seeing as it's Thursday, I bet you want slander? Do you? Huh? Huh?
Ok, I guess I can help you.
Let's get to tonight's SLANDERAMA.
An Interview with William Shatner:
(Author's Note: Any quote followed by a # is an ACTUAL quote from Mr. Shatner and can be found at this site.)

Captain Kirk. T.J. Hooker. Denny Crane. All of these names are the alter egos of one man:
William Shatner. Beloved by many nerds, this vituoso of acting, writing, and singing (two albums. How many do you have Nimoy?) was recently in town to promote his show: Boston Legal. We had the chance to catch up with Mr. Shatner.

Ironic Teachings: Thank you for agreeing to meet with us Mr. Shatner. I'm a big fan.
William Shatner: Oh for God's sake....Get a life, will you? #
IT: Fair enough. What are you doing in town?
WS: show, Boston Legal is...looking for extras in the Twin Cities. Plus, we're...not really being watched here, so we want to increase viewership.
IT: That's great. Still, my readers want to get to know the REAL William Shatner. Let's start with your...trademark way of acting.
WS: Look, first of all, Captain Kirk never burped out his lines, nor did he simply SPEAK! as IF! Every! Other! SYLlable! WAS! of DIRE! ImPORTance! # I don't DO that.
When I started out, I actually was do SHAKESPEARE. McGill (University in Toronto) still has a picture of me as Hamlet. I can still feel it now....
"TO be or NOT to be. the question. WheTHER it is NOBLER...." Oh those were the days.
IT: Was it the famous Twilight Zone episode that got you noticed by Gene (Roddenberry)?
WS: I hate flying, flat out hate its guts. # I was able to use that hate and create the most realistic looking fear of flying ever seen on SCREEN!
IT: Please, Mr. Shatner, refrain from jumping up on your chair.
WS: Sorry. The old days get me so excited.
IT: You were on Star Trek as most people's favorite captain: James Kirk. What was that like?
WS: One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for advice without necessarily
having to take it.# But the best part about Kirk? That's easy. We were basically one and the same, although Jim was just about perfect, and, of course, I am perfect.# I was able to take a poorly written character, no thanks to Gene, and make him into a superstar. Not everyone knows Kirk or my other characters....
IT: Like Hooker?
WS: Right, like Hooker, but EVERYONE knows William SHATNER! Look:
I am not a Starfleet commander, or T.J. Hooker. I don't live on Starship NCC-170...or own a phaser. And I don't know anybody named Bones, Sulu, or Spock. And no, I've never had green alien sex, though I'm sure it would be quite an evening. I speak English and French, not Klingon! I drink Labatt's, not Romulan ale! And when someone says to me 'Live long and prosper', I seriously mean it when I say, 'Get a life'. My doctor's name is not McCoy, it's Ginsberg. And tribbles were puppets, not real animals. PUPPETS! And when I speak, I never, ever talk like every. Word. Is. Its. Own. Sentence. I live in California, but I was raised in Montreal. And yes, I've gone where no man has gone before, but I was in Mexico and her father gave me permission! My name is William Shatner, and I am Canadian!”#
IT: You like being a Canadian?
WS: It's ok.
IT: What makes you so loved by people?
WS: Are you asking me how do I stay so healthy and boyishly handsome? It's simple. I drink the blood of young runaways.#
IT: I see. Do you have any mantras or thoughts on life you'd like to share with the people?
WS: Sure.
1. Stop and smell the garlic! That's all you have to do.#
2. Remember-you can't beam through a force field. So, don't try it.#
3. Don't just shove food into your mouth. Taste the flavor exploding in your mouth. Appreciate the texture. Honor your food with the time you take.#
4. Babies have big heads and big eyes, and tiny little bodies with tiny little arms and legs. So did the aliens at Roswell! I rest my case.#
I think that will cover most of it.
IT: Tell me about the singing.
WS: I love singing. I am actually preparing for my third album right now.
IT: Have you ever had a hit?
WS: One. In the world that we inhabit, having one hit is a lot better than having no hits.#
IT: Um, you never had a hit song. You had a hit show, and a hit movie, but no songs.
WS: What about "Mr. Tambourine Man"?
IT: Peaked at 90, sir.
IT: Mr. Shatner, stop that please!
WS: I'm............................sorry. I lost my head there for a second.
IT: You mentioned a third album?
WS: Yes, I wanted to cross over. I've done rock, rap, country, and even techno. So what do you think is left?

IT: I don't know. What?
WS: Show tunes. I want to do a whole album of Sondheim.
IT: I have no response to that, sir.
WS: It'll be great. I could be like a male Streisand.
IT: All right, let's shift gears here. You just sold your Kidney Stone for $25,000. Why?
WS: The money goes to charity. My stone is forever enshrined at a casino for EVERYONE to see.
IT: I see. Well Mr. Shatner, I'd like to thank you for your time and wish you continued luck in your career.

WS: Thank you...whatever your name is.
Well, that's your slander for this week. Hopefully the Shatner fans out there won't come after me with guns blazing.
Have a good night, folks.
*Of course this is a lie. Did you really even need to check here?


Admin Worm said...

Good, as always. Thanks for filling in for Slanderizer, who is apparently still at Hazelton.

Have you heard Shatner's work with Ben Folds? It's actually pretty good. I love that Shatner is self-deprecating. Reminds me of Bob Denver; typecast and happy with it.

Bill R said...

GREAT slander this week, loved the Shatner "Interview". Had me laughing. I am a long time Star Trek fan, but not a "geek" about it. The original Star Trek was out when I was around 10 and I thought it was the coolest thing on TV. I had been drawn to Sci Fi movies on Saturday afternoons. As I grew up and started watching Trek re-runs, I thought Shatner was such a hambone. The Star Trek movies didn't change my opinion either. I thought Next Generation was a much better series with much better acting. I think Shatner's OK, but he is still a big hambone.

cat said...

Thank you again for the great humor. I love being able to laugh while at work. Have a great weekend!