Thursday, January 19, 2006

Slander a la Leab (01/19/06)

Thursday, Thursday, Thursday.
Tomorrow brings the second sweetest day of the week: Friday.
Friday, of course, comes from the Latin word Fridas, which means freedom.*
So, seeing as it's Thursday, I bet you want slander? Do you? Huh? Huh?
Ok, I guess I can help you.
Let's get to tonight's SLANDERAMA.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Interview with William Shatner:
(Author's Note: Any quote followed by a # is an ACTUAL quote from Mr. Shatner and can be found at this site.)

Captain Kirk. T.J. Hooker. Denny Crane. All of these names are the alter egos of one man:
William Shatner. Beloved by many nerds, this vituoso of acting, writing, and singing (two albums. How many do you have Nimoy?) was recently in town to promote his show: Boston Legal. We had the chance to catch up with Mr. Shatner.

Ironic Teachings: Thank you for agreeing to meet with us Mr. Shatner. I'm a big fan.
William Shatner: Oh for God's sake....Get a life, will you? #
IT: Fair enough. What are you doing in town?
WS: MY...new show, Boston Legal is...looking for extras in the Twin Cities. Plus, we're...not really being watched here, so we want to increase viewership.
IT: That's great. Still, my readers want to get to know the REAL William Shatner. Let's start with your...trademark way of acting.
WS: Look, first of all, Captain Kirk never burped out his lines, nor did he simply SPEAK! as IF! Every! Other! SYLlable! WAS! of DIRE! ImPORTance! # I don't DO that.
When I started out, I actually was trained...to do SHAKESPEARE. McGill (University in Toronto) still has a picture of me as Hamlet. I can still feel it now....
"TO be or NOT to be. THAT...is the question. WheTHER it is NOBLER...." Oh those were the days.
IT: Was it the famous Twilight Zone episode that got you noticed by Gene (Roddenberry)?
WS: I hate flying, flat out hate its guts. # I was able to use that hate and create the most realistic looking fear of flying ever seen on SCREEN!
IT: Please, Mr. Shatner, refrain from jumping up on your chair.
WS: Sorry. The old days get me so excited.
IT: You were on Star Trek as most people's favorite captain: James Kirk. What was that like?
WS: One of the advantages of being a captain is being able to ask for advice without necessarily
having to take it.# But the best part about Kirk? That's easy. We were basically one and the same, although Jim was just about perfect, and, of course, I am perfect.# I was able to take a poorly written character, no thanks to Gene, and make him into a superstar. Not everyone knows Kirk or my other characters....
IT: Like Hooker?
WS: Right, like Hooker, but EVERYONE knows William SHATNER! Look:
I am not a Starfleet commander, or T.J. Hooker. I don't live on Starship NCC-170...or own a phaser. And I don't know anybody named Bones, Sulu, or Spock. And no, I've never had green alien sex, though I'm sure it would be quite an evening. I speak English and French, not Klingon! I drink Labatt's, not Romulan ale! And when someone says to me 'Live long and prosper', I seriously mean it when I say, 'Get a life'. My doctor's name is not McCoy, it's Ginsberg. And tribbles were puppets, not real animals. PUPPETS! And when I speak, I never, ever talk like every. Word. Is. Its. Own. Sentence. I live in California, but I was raised in Montreal. And yes, I've gone where no man has gone before, but I was in Mexico and her father gave me permission! My name is William Shatner, and I am Canadian!”#
IT: You like being a Canadian?
WS: It's ok.
IT: What makes you so loved by people?
WS: Are you asking me how do I stay so healthy and boyishly handsome? It's simple. I drink the blood of young runaways.#
IT: I see. Do you have any mantras or thoughts on life you'd like to share with the people?
WS: Sure.
1. Stop and smell the garlic! That's all you have to do.#
2. Remember-you can't beam through a force field. So, don't try it.#
3. Don't just shove food into your mouth. Taste the flavor exploding in your mouth. Appreciate the texture. Honor your food with the time you take.#
4. Babies have big heads and big eyes, and tiny little bodies with tiny little arms and legs. So did the aliens at Roswell! I rest my case.#
I think that will cover most of it.
IT: Tell me about the singing.
WS: I love singing. I am actually preparing for my third album right now.
IT: Have you ever had a hit?
WS: One. In the world that we inhabit, having one hit is a lot better than having no hits.#
IT: Um, you never had a hit song. You had a hit show, and a hit movie, but no songs.
WS: What about "Mr. Tambourine Man"?
IT: Peaked at 90, sir.
WS: No. NOOOOOOO! KHAN!
IT: Mr. Shatner, stop that please!
WS: I'm............................sorry. I lost my head there for a second.
IT: You mentioned a third album?
WS: Yes, I wanted to cross over. I've done rock, rap, country, and even techno. So what do you think is left?

IT: I don't know. What?
WS: Show tunes. I want to do a whole album of Sondheim.
IT: I have no response to that, sir.
WS: It'll be great. I could be like a male Streisand.
IT: All right, let's shift gears here. You just sold your Kidney Stone for $25,000. Why?
WS: The money goes to charity. My stone is forever enshrined at a casino for EVERYONE to see.
IT: I see. Well Mr. Shatner, I'd like to thank you for your time and wish you continued luck in your career.

WS: Thank you...whatever your name is.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Well, that's your slander for this week. Hopefully the Shatner fans out there won't come after me with guns blazing.
Have a good night, folks.
Namaste.
*Of course this is a lie. Did you really even need to check here?

3 comments:

Admin Worm said...

Good, as always. Thanks for filling in for Slanderizer, who is apparently still at Hazelton.

Have you heard Shatner's work with Ben Folds? It's actually pretty good. I love that Shatner is self-deprecating. Reminds me of Bob Denver; typecast and happy with it.

Bill R said...

GREAT slander this week, loved the Shatner "Interview". Had me laughing. I am a long time Star Trek fan, but not a "geek" about it. The original Star Trek was out when I was around 10 and I thought it was the coolest thing on TV. I had been drawn to Sci Fi movies on Saturday afternoons. As I grew up and started watching Trek re-runs, I thought Shatner was such a hambone. The Star Trek movies didn't change my opinion either. I thought Next Generation was a much better series with much better acting. I think Shatner's OK, but he is still a big hambone.

cat said...

Thank you again for the great humor. I love being able to laugh while at work. Have a great weekend!