Monday, August 07, 2006

Ramblings for the Evening (8/06/06)

Sunday night, and I'm home with my son.
I guess this really makes me an adult.
So without further ado: CASTLE AAAARRRGGHH!
Way back before my son was born, my wife and I signed up for an infant/child CPR class. That class was so full at the time (between last September and this past June) that we were forced to wait until today to be able to go to class.
There was something both nice and horrifying about leaving my son with the neighbors. They love him. The gal next door REALLY wants another child, but her guy is fine with one...JUST one.
Anyway, I felt both happy to be away from my son and sad that I was away from him. My first thought as we drove to the hospital was, "It will be nice to have an adult conversation."
I was wrong in thinking we would.
The class was in the basement classrooms of North Memorial Hospital in Robbinsdale.
Though we were a minute late, my wife and I were the first couple there. Thus, the class started late as the instructor waited for the other people to show up (including us, there were supposed to be sixteen people, but only ten would show up).
Some highlights:
-We basically watched a video in order to get certified. No tests.
-We did get to work with dummies, however, which was fascinating. The instructor had "rigged" one dummy to go haywire when the breathing started. It scared the hell out of the couple behind us.
-They brought in an AED (Automated External Defibrillator) and demonstrated it, but the idiot couple in the corner had spilled water and not cleaned it all up, which led to the instructor getting shocked. It was mild, but still: the couple should have apologized.
-The class was supposed to be from 9 to noon, but we all left at 10:45.
-As we practiced the Heimlich Manuver, the instructor came over to my wife and me and commented that I shouldn't push on, "the navel of a pregnant woman." My wife...she's no longer pregnant. It was hard on my wife and the instructor. It got worse when one of the gals in the back, who was a rail, said she had given birth only three weeks before the class. She then explained that she, "gained ten pounds and felt like a pig."
I spent the entire walk back to the car and ride home trying to make my wife feel better. I also had to stop her from beating the holy hell out of that girl.
-Sitting in the front of the class was the creepiest couple ever. The guy had a camera and recorded everything, while the woman started crying (I mean BAWLING) during the video when the kid was choking.
Now it's possible that they lost a child, but they were super-touchy and super-creepy.
-There was a "hipster" couple who showed up in pajamas, talked smack the entire time to the other people in the class and the instructor, and bitched about how their time was wasted and they could be shopping with their kid. After listening to them bitch for two minutes, I gave my wife an embarrassing moment when I told them to, "shut the hell up and leave if you're so upset." After a quick sneer, they stopped talking. This was a problem later as well and made for a very awkward elevator ride when the four of us rode together.
This got me thinking, however, how much I'm really getting sick of the whole hipster parent generation. You see so many people my age don't want to act like adults. I listened to one couple talk about how they couldn't discipline their child because, "they wouldn't be friends." What? Friends? What the hell?!
You're a parent, not their buddy.
Look, I'm friendly with my students, but I'm still the authority. I don't let things slide because I'm afraid they won't like me. What the hell is wrong with you that you would let your kid do whatever because you're afraid they may hate you. Help your child.
I think I need to write a post later about how I feel about the whole hipster thing and how disappointed I am in my generation (most of you suck. Sorry, but you do).
All in all, I'm glad I can help my son if there's a problem, but I feel like I could have done the whole thing online and had as much teaching. The only difference would be the dummy.
Hype the Music:
Every once in a while, I give you a site that I think has a great deal of potential. I directed you to Slanderous, I linked you to MN Speak, Margaret, Michele (can't do the accent my dear), and Worm's various personalities (all in my student section to the right).
Now I give you
The Hype Machine. If you're a fan of MNSpeak's Aggregator, then you'll love Hype Machine. It's a music aggregator that collects music placed throughout the web. Maybe there's a song you've been looking for in stores. Search the machine and you can find where to buy it online for your ipod (or in certain cases, as I have found, some people have FREE downloads).
Go check it out.

and finally,
Poozer the Player:
My son is a major league player.
Little Leab went to Arbor Lakes with his mom and dad today. While mom was trying on shoes at Aerosoles, dad was sitting on a cube in the corner holding the Poozer. Holy cow did women flock to him. At one point, I placed him back in his stroller only to have a woman come over and stick her face right in there with him. Some highlights that prove his player abilities:
- I went into Yankee Candle to see if my favorite scent was still available (it's Hazelnut Coffee, and it's sadly discontinued). As I turned the stroller to ask for help, Poozer smiled at the manager. She melted! Not a little, mind you, she went full puddle. She started in with baby talk and was all over him. Upon seeing this, two other workers came over and started cooing over him. One woman went so far as to fondle his arms and tell him how strong he was. It's at this point that I also learned how dangerous it is to not have your wedding ring on when with your child. One woman started talking to me about (and I quote), "how hard it must be for you to raise your son all alone."
I explained very quickly that my wife was next door.
-In Aerosoles, woman after woman wanted to see him, talk to him, hold him. The most awkward moment came when the rather large-breasted sales clerk leaned into the stroller to see him. He obviously saw her breasts, because he stared smacking his lips. When she asked me what he was doing, I merely said, "Well, I think he's trying to say hello to you." My wife and I, however, shared a knowing look with each other and a major laugh when we left the store.
-My son also has met his future wife...apparently. A woman with her six month old daughter stopped us to look at William (that's his name, by the way. I know I haven't written that before as I wanted him to have anonymity, but I guess he'll be ok. Most people still don't know my first name....moving on.) and commented on how good looking he is. Wait, it gets better. Because he was, "so handsome," and because he had such, "beautiful eyes," she decided that her daughter (Rory) was going to marry my son. Never mind that they had never met before, and who the hell knows what the next 25-30 years can bring, this woman was convinced. She gave my wife her phone number and told us, "not to be strangers." It was weird.
-Apparently men with babies are sexy. I don't know why. I was wearing a black shirt that had been spit up on after my son ate, a five 0'clock shadow on my face, and the smell of milk on me, but that didn't stop women from talking to me about how "great it was," that I was a father, and how, "so many men would be ashamed to hold a baby." The best was the woman in Anthropologie who was flirting with me...and I had no clue. My wife was really angry at me, though I'm not sure if it's because the woman was flirting with me, or because I had no clue and just thought she was being nice. I mean I really thought she was talking to me because she liked the kid. In retrospect, as my wife pointed out, she never looked at Poozer once after first seeing him. I hadn't noticed until she said something about that.
-The boy also got me a discount at Border's. We didn't have our coupon, but the woman dug one out for us because, "your son is SO cute." can I use him to get a new car much cheaper...hmmm...would crying or smiling work better.
I'm just kidding. I wouldn't exploit him that way...yet.


Arthur Willoughby said...

Man, I'm with you on the "hipster parents."

The Star Trib did a story on them recently and I wanted to gag. I see them all over the place. My niece and nephew like to look at my tattoos and I always tell them "I'll take you to get your first tattoo...WHEN YOU'RE 30."

I'm really uncomfortable raising a child to believe that acting like a perpetual adolescent is healthy.

I noticed a new one the other day: Hip-HOP parent. A relatively young man was pushing a baby stroller and he had the full hip-hop "look" and "act" going. Backwards cap...pants around his knees necessitating the simian-walk...cold stare at anyone who dared make eye contact...

Once you're had a child it's time to leave that sh*t behind. It's never cool but it's at least understandable when you're a teen, but once you've procreated it's time to let 'er go.

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