Holy Clowns

I was going to talk about hockey experiences today, but something came up that was just too good to pass up.
A church in New York decided to try something new yesterday. I completely understand why, and it makes sense except for one small issue: the number of children and adults who are terrified by clowns. My wife, for example, cannot stand clowns. When I showed her this piece, she told me:
"I would turn around and walk out. There is NO way I would sit through church with the minister dressed as a clown."
That's a grown and sensible woman saying no.
At the same time, there are so many aspects of the term, "Clown Eucharist" that lead to trouble. Let's think about all the issues:
1. A priest or minister dressed as a kid-friendly clown. Ok, with all of the pedophilia accusations thrown at the church, is it really a good idea for them to dress up in a costume that most people associate with the circus and kid's parties? My sister once told me that back in the 15th century, pedophiles would dress up as clowns to lure children and ravage them. Then, with no way of knowing what they looked like, these people could get away with it. Think about that when you think about this minister as a clown.
2. How the mass works. Do they throw the wafer at you instead of placing it? Is the wine in a seltzer bottle? This is what I picture. The minister honks his nose and calls up the congregation. As they line up, he uses magic (or the Black Arts for you hardcore believers) to produce the wafers. Then he sprays a little wine (or grape juice) into everyone's mouth with a lapel flower.
3. Where was Bozo in the Bible? I recall Ezekiel, and I remember Lot and his wife, but I don't remember a Bozo nor a mention of, "a painted man with nose of noise."
4. Music. Ok, does the organist play circus versions of the hymns? Imagine "Amazing Grace" to the tune of "Baby Elephant Walk."
Look, I applaud this minister for thinking outside the box (something desperately needed in the church), but this might be too far. Next thing you know, a church in Alabama will have Jesus and Nascar: You're the driver, life is the track, and Jesus (and the church) are your pit crew. The minister could wear a headset and racing outfit. Hey, we could even put a headset on the crucifix! Too far? Ok, let's throttle back (pun intended). Is the devil the racer who keeps bumping you into the wall? If this idea does get taken, remember where you heard it first. However, if you have an idea for a new kind of mass, send it to me. I'll publish the best ones to let the world decide whether it should be accepted or pitched.