Mail Mondays (12/5/05)

What a long weekend. I will be talking about it tomorrow.
Let's get to the mail.
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Leab,
You mentioned before that you were depressed for part of college. I believe you called it your "lost period."
Why?
What's the deal?
Concerned Citizen

Dear CC,
Yeah, it's true. For a good year and a half in college I was very down and did a lot of things to hurt myself. It wasn't a smart thing to do, but sometimes we don't think straight. Normally, I don't open up about stuff like this, so buckle up kids.
I was with a gal for two years. I really cared about her a great deal and changed many aspects of my life to keep her happy. When I moved into an apartment my sophomore year, I set everything up with this thought in mind: "Will she like it?"
The three cats I now own? I got them while with her. One day she found a stray cat. After shelling out $20 to litter and feed this cat, its owner turned up. Devestated, she begged me to get a new cat. Again, I should have been listening. "I love kittens," she told me, "but I think cats are boring." When we got the three boys, she agreed to take one of them with her when she graduated. Fast forward to her leaving...well...I'm getting way ahead of myself.
They say love is blind, and in my case it's also deaf and dumb. My sisters, my parents, and my friends all said this would end badly. Some even went as far as sitting me down and explaining to me why this gal (we''ll call her Lola) was wrong for me. I didn't listen.
The signs were all there. She had been in a relationship while in high school where her college-aged lover mistreated her. In college, she dated a man who went crazy and stalked her after their break up. This man (we'll call him Isaiah) would figure into the situation.
Before I explain what happened, let me set up for you how we met and dated.
Washington University in St. Louis holds a concert in the Spring called WILD (Walk In Lay Down). This concert usually features someone famous (this year was Porno for Pyros). It was at this time that I was visiting the school. Encouraged to tour the campus alone, I left my parents and went to the campus that night. It was here I met Lola. I wandered over to the main stage to talk to a few people I had met during the daytime tour. As we talked, this gal bumped into me. She was slightly shorter than me with dark hair, piercing eyes, and nice body. She apologized and in an attempt to not look like an idiot, I made a witty remark. She laughed, and we began to talk. After 20 minutes, this guy shows up looking very angry. He's about 5'5", muscular, and walking like an ape. Think Danny Bonaduce, but Jewish. He gets angry and drags her off.
Fast forward a few months. I am now a precocious (HAHAHA) freshman at Wash. U. After ten minutes in my first class, I become the stage manager for the first show of the year (I was the only person with any experience). During the first rehearsal, I discover that Lola is on my running crew, and she remembers me. I also find out that her now ex-boyfriend is running lights with me. This makes for a volatile situation. Everytime they see each other, they argue. Think Moonlighting but angrier and Jewish.
Auditions came and went and Lola was cast in the show I would be working on next. Though the first show we were working wasn't over yet, she had her script. One night rehearsal ends and Lola asks me if I could "help her with her lines." Now, I'm a guy, which means that...well...I'm clueless. I really thought she wanted help with her lines. I was wrong.
After that night, we were, for all intents and purposes dating. However, Isaiah was still in the picture. You see I would go to Lola's apartment every night to be with her. Sometimes, he was there. One night after a fairly rough rehearsal, he was there with her. Both of them were stoned out of their minds. Isaiah hands me his car keys and says, "You shouldn't be here. I think it's my turn tonight. So take my car and go do whatever you want."
I was embarrassed. I should have taken his keys, but I didn't. I walked back the three miles to my dorm room and spent a very sleepless night trying to decide what to do. It was answered for me the next morning. Lola called me and apologized. It was after a brief conversation that she explained to me that Isaiah was done. It was just the two of us now.
We remained together for another year and half as a couple. One night, one moment changed it all.
At a party being thrown by myself and a friend of mine (he had a bigger apartment, but it was our soiree), I lost sight of Lola. To compound matters, Isaiah had shown up. The last I heard, the two of them had walked off together. I asked Lola's friend, "Have you seen her?"
"No."
I was asked to go to the garage and get more beer, so I went.
When I walked in, I found Lola on the hood of my car in flagrante de licto (that is, having sex) with Isaiah. I was devestated. Even though I knew in the back of my mind it had to be happening, my heart was still crushed. I went back into the house and told my buddy:
"Go into the garage and tell Lola and Isaiah that they need to leave NOW. I'm going to get your bat and go out there in 30 seconds. If he's still here, he's going to be hurt."
No one consoled me. One of my friends even hit me with the "I told you so" speech. Never a good idea. It's like when a person jumps off the roof and breaks his or her leg. As the bone pokes out and blood spouts, that person doesn't need to be told "You idiot. I told you that would happen."
I went back to my apartment. A few hours later, Lola showed up. We fought viciously. I heard all about how she still has something deep in her heart for him. I also got to hear about his 13" penis (not something you want to hear about when you're sleeping with someone). For three hours it went on. Three hours. My neighbors would later complain to me that they heard everything...two floors up.
I should have learned my lesson. I should have ended it, but I didn't. She cried, she swore she wouldn't do it again, and honestly, I was a young man dating a good looking gal (think Alexis [Girl Friday], but make her a 40DD). Yes, I was a college student and not the smart man I am today. I thought about sex. I gues that makes me like every other man out there. Sorry to dissapoint. Anyway, I didn't learn my lesson until later. We stayed together.
One month later, she dumped me. We were lying in bed together post coitus, and she said she couldn't be with me anymore. She then rolled over and went to sleep. I went out. I ended up walking for four hours. I walked University City, the school's campus, and more. When I came back, she was gone.
Here's where it gets worse.
I know. You're thinking, "Leab, how can it get worse? You stayed with a cheating woman who dumped you. It can't get worse!" It can.
We may not have been together anymore, but we still slept together for two more months. That's right. We had sex together every other night for two more months. No talking, no feelings, just sex. Then it ended...for a little while.
Already unhappy and having lost many friends who chose her over me, I started drinking (that's another story for another time). I drank alot.
One night I was in a local bar (no one ever carded me) when a buddy of mine came over and sat down.
"We need to talk," He started.
"Fuck off," I responded and returned to my shots.
"Lola was never faithful."
"What the hell do you mean Greg (not his real name)?"
He paused, took one of my shots, and then sighed. "She didn't just sleep with Isaiah. She slept with four other people all while you two were together. She also tried to sleep with me."
That was a bad moment. You ever have a moment when you feel like the entire world is staring at you? Laughing at you? That no one at the very moment could possibly understand the emotions running through your system? That was my moment. Everything went dark.
I drank the next few months away. I worked, went to school, and even talked to my family, but I was never sober.
I mentioned that Lola and I were apart only for a little while. The month of graduation, we got back together as bed buddies. I was stupid again. There was, of course, a hidden agenda. She wanted me to help her move out of her apartment. I refused. She sent her father, who had once told me he didn't like me, to my apartment to ask for my help. Then her mother came. I buckled. And when all was said and done, I expected (and see this is the problem. I expected things. I hoped for things. It never works that way.) a thank you and a good bye hug. That's it. With her parents in the running car, Lola turned to me and said, "Well...have a good life." Then she hops in the car, and they take off. I screamed down the street, "Go fuck yourself, bitch."
Oh, and remember when I mentioned that she would take one of the cats? When I brought this up, she stared at me and said, "But I don't like cats. I like kittens. Do you have a kitten for me?" It worked out ok, however, because I love my three boys, and they love me.
But the whole debacle stayed with me. I didn't sober up for a year (again, for another time).
This was a good lesson, however. It taught me alot about love, trust, and reading the signs. It's why I can now read people VERY well.
Still, it is better to have loved and lost....
Oh, and the picture? It's for emphasis. That's not my car.
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I think I will end it with just the one letter tonight. It's funny. I've been feeling very down lately, partially because someone reminded me of this whole period in my life. Perhaps instead of Ramblings tomorrow, I will talk more about my "lost period."
Peace be unto you.