Slander a la Leab (12/8/05)

First of all. Happy birthday to my beautiful wife.
I know she'll never read this as she never reads my blog, but at least it's out there across the blogosphere. She's still the best thing that's ever happened to me (and I'm probably the worst thing that ever could have happened to her).
Once again, this has become the most popular segment on the ole blog. Let me just share something with you.
I received an email (ironicteachings@hotmail.com) telling me, "The rest of your stuff sucks, but your slander is sort of funny. Otherwise you suck."
Mmmmmm. Nastygrams.... Oh, and I got another email telling me not to use Alexis's name again. Awesome. I love it.
Ok. Let's get to tonight's SLANDERAMA!
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Boxing Match of the Century Leads to Ratings Stunt:
With the Twin Cities consumed by the upcoming fight between Rex "The Titanium Typist" Sorgatz and Garrison "The Lake Woebegon Battler," the local news outlets are attempting to boost ratings post-sweeps by having the evening news anchors combat each other in a four-team tornado tag-team tournament. (Gosh, I love alliteration...don't you?) Several variations of the tournament were discussed. At first, it was going to be a broadcast-off, where a randomly selected audience of Minnesotans would watch four hours of news back-to-back-to-back-to-back and then judge who was the best. However, this idea was thrown out when it was realized the audience would rather commit suicide then watch four straight hours of news.
In an attempt to capitalize on the highly publicized prize fight, an undercard was announced. However this was scrapped when the anchors began arguing.
Cyndy Brucato was quoted as saying, "I wouldn't fight Robyne (Robinson) on a bet. That bitch has a long reach AND she wears those damn Rox (available everywhere) which cut deep."
Brucato wasn't the only naysayer. "There's a reason my nickname is 'Dapper Don', people," WCCO anchor Don Shelby mused. "If you think I'm going to mess up THIS face (at this point he was holding up two mirrors. One for the front, the other for the left side), you're crazy."
It looked as if all would be lost, but then, a bolt of lightning (figurative, of course) struck local student Beverly Smith.
"Well, I'm from Mississippi, and in my family, when we have to solve a problem, we wrassle (wrestle). Pauses to spit tobacco. Why can't they just wrassle?
Thus was born the tournament. WCCO, KSTP, KARE, and KMSP will all be a part of the tournament (WFTC's Chris Conangla and Jordanna Green have been excused due to community service and impending birth respectively).
Odds makers in Las Vegas are favoring Fox 9's Jeff Passolt & Robyne Robinson because of his stone hard hair and her amazonian-like reach.
The rules will be as follows:
-It will be a free-for-all with anything being allowed (this includes chairs, hairstylists, teleprompters, etc).
-The final winner of the match will receive 2 full nielsen points.
-The "Don Shelby" rule will be in effect. (This means that no one can hit the face.)
On a final note, local boy Josh Hartnett will be singing the national anthem.
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In Other News:
-Local boy John Madden was arrested in Philadelphia on monday night. Apparently, Madden was at the airport with Al Michaels. It is well known that Madden is afraid to fly and so he travels around the country in a triple decker bus. As Michaels was waiting to go through security, he discussed that night's game with Madden. At one point, Madden was overheard shouting, "BOOM!"
Security was sure Madden was making threats about bombs and took him down. As Madden was being dragged off, witnesses swore he was saying, "That guy who tackled me has no form. There I am and he tries to take me down, but BOOM, I threw him. Luckily the other guy plays like he's going to Outback and hit me harder than a blooming onion."
Madden is currently being held on $1,000,000 bail.
-Former ESPN anchor and late night talk show host has not been on TV in over a year, however, he has turned up in the Twin Cities. As Kilborn walked by the University of St. Thomas in Minneapolis, a fan recognized him and shouted, "Hey Kilborn, where you been?"
Kilborn shouted back, "Under 94...by Hennepin."
The fan laughed, but ten minutes later, Kilborn was seen grabbing a cardboard sign that read, "I used to famous. Please give me a dollar." He then headed over to the 94 off-ramp at Hennepin.
-UPDATE: The first fight on the undercard of Sorgatz/Keillor has been named. John Stewart and Bill O'Reilly will go toe to toe to debate Happy Holidays/Merry Christmas. Should be exciting stuff.