Bar Screams

As I sat in a bar with my wife tonight, our good time was almost ruined by a guy sitting across from us on the other side. You see, next to my wife were two single women who were there alone. Obviously (by the way they clung to each other and never looked around) they were uncomfortable with the single men in the place. However Barry (and I know his names Barry, because he screamed it multiple times at them) decided that he did not care and would get there attention. He stood up, pointed at them, and screamed, "Woooooooooo! I love single women!" You want to guess how they took that? The two gals shrank even farther into their small bubble. However, that did not stop Barry. First, he attempted to jump over the bar into the center in order to walk over to them. He probably should have realized that when you get really drunk, you lose motor control. So instead of launching over the bar, he flopped into the bar (causing me to do a spit take and laugh so hard that I cried and peed a little). When that didn't work, Barry attempted to sing "Foxy Lady" in order to get their attention. Didn't work. It won't work when you can't remember the words and instead sing nonsensically. "Foxy lady....Uhn na ha manna." That's about what it sounded like. With no other recourse and with no real way to get around the bar, Barry went for one final ploy. He bought the ladies some drinks. This is the most cliched move a man can make in a bar. This is how Barry should have known he had NO chance: the ladies refused the drinks. His face when the bartender told him they did not take the drinks was priceless. A mixture of "Holy shit, I just wasted 12 dollars and have two more drinks to deal with," along with a, "But I'm 'hot' Barry" bewildered look. Ever watch Scrubs? Barry reminded me of "The Todd." (If you watch the show, you get it.) The whole chain of events made me laugh out loud (and I have a very loud laugh).
Barry was mad. Hopping mad. He pushed his way through the crowd around the bar and was obviously coming to talk to the ladies. I could hear them planning what to do (obviously they saw him coming). As he got to within twenty feet, they both stood up and disappeared into the crowd toward the bathroom. Here's the thing about women in bars. Men have to push and shove their way through the crowds. Women glide. They have this ability to move quicjly through the crowd. Barry had no chance. Seeing that they were gone, Barry made one final mistake. As I ordered another drink for myself and my wife, Barry slid into the stool next to my lovely bride and attempted to hit on her. At first I thought it was awesome. My wife is good looking enough to be solicited for love. It was sweet. Unfortunately it was misguided. Still, I didn't need to kick his ass, because my wife was able to verbally crush him without my help. I just sat back and watched the master work the puppet strings. I'm telling you, it was awe-inspiring and frightening at the same time. A coy smile, a few pleasantries, and then the quick strike of, "no, I'm married," with a flash of the ring. I thought Barry was going to cry.
Not long after the indecent proposal, my wife and I left the bar and headed home. Riding home, my wife turned to me and said, "you were never like that. That's why I love you." Let that be a lesson to you men. Remember K.I.S.S? That's right Keep It Simple, Stupid. If you go overboard and act like an idiot, then it's a lonely ride home. Take it from me, I'm happily married.