Saturday, November 05, 2005

The President Needs a Dave Moment

The other night I couldn't sleep, so I started watching television. I don't know what channel it was, but the film Dave had just started. For those of you who don't know, Dave is about a look-alike who ends up filling in for the President of the United States after a stroke. Dave (the look-alike) is told to play along with what the Chief of Staff tells him to do, but he breaks stride and tries to help the country instead. This includes getting a bill signed that deals with getting people jobs (this was in 1993). The more I watched this film, the more I realized that our current president needs to think about this film. With his approval rating at an all-time low for himself and for any president (watch out Hoover, your place in history may be usurped...USURPED!), President Bush may need to pull a Kovic/Mitchell. Let me explain using another president: Kennedy.
When John F. Kennedy Jr. died, I didn't hear about it until I was sitting in a bar in St. Louis. Before I continue, I should mention one thing: this was an Irish bar with a nice big picture of JFK over the bar. This will be important later. So, JFK jr is dead. I turn to the guy next to me and say, "Do you ever think they faked it?"
"Huh?" is the response I get.
"Do you ever think the Kennedy family faked all the deaths?"
"Are you nuts? Why would they do that?"
Now, with some alcohol in my system, I actually concocted the following conspiracy theory:
"Well let's go all the way back. JFK was not the greatest president. Did he do some good things? Sure. He started the Space Program and averted (though almost also started) a nuclear war. However, he was not "the great man" everyone thought he was. He cheated on his wife, and he played everything fast and loose. Hell, if he hadn't died when he did, he probably would have screwed up the country.
So the family knows things are going downhill, but they want Kennedy's new baby (The Space Program) to continue, so they do the only thing that seems to work in movies and literature: They fake his death. That's why so many people can't agree on what happened on that day in Dallas. He never really died. They needed it to look like he did. Some makeup and a willing to play along Jackie O sets Kennedy free and saves NASA. She is also set free from the marriage (something she had wanted ever since she learned he was stooping Marilyn Monroe). Now, He needs a place to go, so the family buys a compound in the Bahamas where no will really
look (say Martinique) and send JFK down there.
Soon, however, he gets lonely. He starts communicating with brother Robert. Robert has become disillusioned with politics, so he, too, fakes his own death. Again, closed casket funerals mean the body doesn't have to be there, and if it were open casket, it would be easy to fake. Robert now joins his brother in Martinique (or whereever).
Ted had his chance, but he screwed it up. Instead of waiting for the divers to come get him, he panicked and opened the door to the car too early. So, the girl died, and Ted was banished from joining his brothers.
Thus, John Jr. decided to join the rest of his family. I mean have they found his body yet? (Author's note: I don't remember. Did they ever find his body?) I don't think so. This is all a way to get away from it all."
After finishing this lovely speech, the bartender, who was also one of the owners, kicked me out. The guy sitting next to me just sat there with his mouth open. I was told, "Get out. NOW! Or I'll toss you out!" Oh well.
This brings me back to my point. In Dave, because the President dies, the rest of the government works to keep his bill alive and help people get jobs. Kennedy died and it helped NASA (Oddly true). So I was thinking: with so many government people wanting Bush to go, why not do this: Have Bush introduce a bill that the Republicans want passed but could be tough to get through to pass. Then, have Bush fake his death. Cheney gets installed and everyone feels so bad that it passes. Seriously, what's Bush going to do after he gets out of office? Run another company into the ground? No. Is he going to teach classes? Probably not. Host a talk show? Not without REALLY good writers he's not. Motivational speaker? I think Clinton and Bush Sr. have that one locked. So, he fakes his death and moves to a mansion in South America. I mean it's like Texas, only with less white people. That shouldn't be a problem, should it?
Anyway, he fakes his death, the nation mourns, and his bill is passed. Then, Cheney decides not to run in 2008, and we get the ultimate face off in 2008. Condi vs. Hillary. Could you imagine it? Who the hell would everyone vote for? Seriously. This country is still YEARS from ever putting a woman in the white house. It would be the only time Nader could win. I don't know what it is about women, but this country fears a woman in charge. However, that's not the point right now. We'll leave that until 2007...when it's relevant.
I know what you're thinking: What the hell are you thinking? Fake his death? Why the hell would he do that? Well, if you think about the presidency as a business, then the stock holders are losing confidence. When that happens, the company is in serious trouble. Take note, the consumers are really losing their confidence in this company.
Side note: The phrase "The criminalization of politics" is now banned. You can't say it's never been like this before when we had...oh...Watergate, Iran-Contra, and every little thing that they attempted to pin on Clinton. Scandals in the White House are nothing new. Get over it.
It just might work if Bush is willing to go through with it. I mean if 9/11 and Terrorism used over and over and over again can get things done, imagine how politicians can use the death of one of their own.
Then again, what do I know? I believe William Henry Harrison got Pneumonia on purpose in order to get out of office. I could be wrong.


Admin Worm said...

I disagree with your statement "This country is still YEARS from ever putting a woman in the white house."

I would no sooner vote against someone for what's between their legs than I would the color of their skin.

If given the opportunity, I would vote in a minute for Jane Smith of rural Missouri if her one and only campaign promise were to take a red pen to the budget.

You're aware I'm still suffering from political apathy which has resulted in a Libertarian bent. I have no faith in Republicans nor Democrats. The sole difference between the two is that the latter would make people feel better if and when disasters occurred.

If and when Hillary or another Dem is elected in 2008, hurricanes will still occur, U.S. troops will remain in Iraq, cronyism will continue to run rampant, and the Average Joe will not be able to make heads or tails of what's occurring in Washington. What we will get with a "D" in office is a pat on the head and assurance that they care.

Pitchforks and torches for sale at

Leab said...

Yeah but Worm: you're not a typical American. I'm sorry, because this is a generalization, but the majority of voters out there will not put a woman in the White House. I would love to see Clinton vs. Rice beacuse people would be forced to do it. Seriously. If they wanted to keep their party in. Imagine an old crony who is against women running the place (take your pick, there are ALOT of them out there) having to shill for one of them.
The average American, however, won't do it. Sure, they may say something different, but deep down the average American man really doesn't want a woman in charge because of the age old beliefs about a woman's place. It's sad to say it in the 21st century, but it remains true.
YOU may not vote against someone for that reason, but alot of people would. Including the largest voting caste in this nation: The old people.
I disagree with you on the Dems, however. It doesn't matter anymore who runs the country. Democrat or Republican, no one cares about us regular folk anymore. It's all about (say it with me) the money.

Leab said...

Wait. No comments about my plan for faking one's death?