Secret Agent Man

I know he won't like this, but what the hell. I don't think he'll ever read it.
I am convinced that my father is a secret agent or at least working for one of the big three of the government (namely CIA, FBI, or NSA).
Ok, consider this evidence:
1. He was (and still is) always traveling. He's a history professor, but he was always out of the country on "necessary trips." That's really suspicious to me. When I was in college, he started being invited to the Vatican to, according to him, "act as a judge in their film festival." Now, my father is a German Jew. He came to this country in 1938. Why would the beacon of Catholicism ask for him to judge Christian films? That's like asking Evander Holyfield to judge a Ballet competition (Yes, I know he's on that dance show, but he's competing there).
It's not just the Vatican, however. When I was younger, he would go to Germany to teach classes. He went to Moscow (I don't remember what for, but I believe it was a conference). He spent alot of time in England, which leads me to....
2. A good deal of his friends are former spies or involved with the "Sanitation Department". Ok, I can't really name names (because they could get in trouble, or I could get in trouble), but I heard all these stories about how this guy was a spy for England, this guy has worked for the CIA for years, etc, etc, etc. One person, we'll just call him Nicky, introduced himself to me like this:
"Hello, I'm [Nicky]. I'm an old friend of your fathers. I used to be a spy in the British government."
How is that not suspicious? And of course, it would be easy to remain a spy if you just tell everyone you are. (I mean who would believe you?)
Nicky is not the only person who's quite suspicious. There's Mr. M, a Caribbean man who owns a car that rivals James Bond's. This man constantly refers to my father as, "boss," and seems to always be there when my father is in trouble. Not too long ago, my father got a ticket in Harlem. One cop pushed him forward, and the other cop tagged him and ticketed him. Mr. M took my father to court, did most of the talking, and got my father out of the ticket. All he needs is a bowler that can cut off heads, and he's Oddjob.
Another associate is Mr. C, who is somehow tied to "Sanitation Department" (don't make me spell it out for you, or we might have a MOB scene). Every once in a while, my father talks about asking him for a favor. It kinda creeps me out.
3. His last few books have been about the CIA and the FBI. He wrote a very successful novel called I was a Communist for the FBI! (Buy it now, kids!) His latest work deals with George Orwell and his ties to the CIA. I remember when I was in high school that he was considering writing a book for the NSA after being invited to one of their conferences. Hell, for a short time, I was a part of ASIS (American Society of Industrialized Security). I went to their conference in St. Louis, and when several people saw my name was Leab, they asked me how my father was doing. That was creepy. He now edits a journal dealing with Communism. I tell you, I really wouldn't be surprised if he turned out to be an agent.
4. He looks like an agent. Ok, the man wears sunglasses twenty-four hours a day. I can remember going to several films with him where he wore his sunglasses, because he "forgot" his real ones. Come to think of it, he would sit on the aisle and leave during the film to, "get more popcorn," and would return with nothing. Movie Theatres make great meeting places....Just a thought....Anyway, he has these glasses. He wears these hats that scream, "This man is a former agent!!!" Ever seen Hopscotch? My father dresses like the Walter Matthau character. He has the coat, the hat, and the glasses. He walks in such a way that is very stealthy at times, and he can move through rooms without being noticed. He has this ability (and maybe it's because he's a dad) to listen to a phone conversation without ever being noticed. His television is constantly on C-SPAN as if he is waiting for his signal. All William Black has to do is touch his nose three times, and my father is off to the Vatican. I don't know. I sometimes think the whole historian thing is a perfect cover.
5. The man has the most suspicious stories. When I was kid, he drove up to Connecticut to go to a meeting. He took the dog with him. It was snowing that night and apparently, according to him mind you, the roads were really bad. Now while he was in Connecticut, he flipped his car. He managed to land on his wheels, however, so he kept going. The dog, however, was traumatized. She would never go near a car again without peeing herself (I'm not kidding). He says it was because the roads were slick, but the car looked like it had been hit. We joke in my family that he is a bad driver, because he did not learn to drive until he was 42 (again, so he says). However, I sometimes look at his accidents, and my mind starts seeing that his stories sometimes can't add up. It's impossible for someone to be in the wrong place at the wrong time for so many occurences.
Another time I went to Germany with him. He had a very small, very spartan apartment. He got into an accident on the Autobahn while I was there. He ended up being gone that day for over ten hours. How is that possible? When he visited me before leaving, he was with two rather tough looking policemen. I think they were escorting him to meet a man. He says they were questioning him. I don't buy it. They looked very uncomfortable and slightly scared. It was odd.
and finally, 6. The man gets things done! Holy cow, he almost never fails. He started a late run for the school board and won in almost a landslide. (I sense ballot stuffing....Just like Kennedy!) He once led a revolt in the Detroit airport when the flight he was on was canceled, and they tried to screw the passengers. Legend has it that he got up on a desk and started screaming to other passengers to follow his lead. (I sense organizing....Just like Hoffa!) He seems to have the ability to walk into a room, shut the door, and walk out twenty minutes later with everyone on his side. Is he James Bond? No. That person can't be real anyway, but he has this ability to make people see his point of view. In recent years, he's had to resort to raising his voice now and then, but it still gets the job done. It's amazing and kind of frightening. It's almost as if he did a background check on my wife and her family before meeting them. He knew alot for only one conversation. Maybe he sent out his network, I don't know.
As he get older, I see my father relaxing into a "Charlie" type position. He's the voice and the brains, and he sends the younger folk out to do the work.
So, if you see him, watch out. He might be listening to your phone calls, he might know more about your signifcant others than you do. If I don't post in the next few days, look for me at Gitmo, or maybe in the Hudson.... (speaking of which, I will be out of town for the next few days, so look for my next post on Monday.)