You tell me how you would react to this:
You wake up and look over to see where your partner/spouse/bed buddy would be. Instead of a body, you see an empty space and blood. You wake up, and walk to your bathroom. Along the way you find a partial handprint made up of blood on a door. The bathroom door is closed, but you hear someone moving around in there, so you decide, "Hey, it must be my (whatever) and go and look. Inside you find that person with blood on their face and down their shirt.
What's your first reaction?
If you said laugh, then you and my wife have a lot in common.
My day has been odd and really not going very well from the moment I woke up.
This morning, after barely getting any sleep, I woke up to find that blood was streaming out of my nose. Not a great way to wake up. Sure, it beats waking up after wetting yourself (something that I and many others I know have done after drinking way to much), but it still sucks. You feel the warm liquid on your lips and taste it to find that saltiness.
First thing I did was grab a tissue and check the bed. Unfortunately I had bled on my pillow case (and blood is a giant pain to get out of things). Not wanting to wake up my wife, I made my way very groggily (it was very early in the morning folks) to the bathroom where I could clean up.
The blood coming out of my nose was going through the tissue and on to my hand. Now, in my house, the master bedroom is upstairs from the bathroom which is on the main floor. I have to navigate steps down and as I am slightly spooked and still groggy, I have to switch hands and use the railing. Here is the first bloody handprint. At the bottom of the steps is a door which, conviently, had been shut by one of my cats during the night. Pushing the door open left the second handprint.
When I turn on the lights in the bathroom, it takes a second for my eyes to adjust. At first, all I can see is a red mass on my face and shirt, but as the world comes into focus, I am quite shocked to see how much blood is on my face and shirt. It honestly looks like I bit into someone or something and let it bleed on me. Had I been more with it, I would have taken a picture (sorry I didn't). I end up staring at myself in disbelief. Worse yet...the bleeding hasn't fully stopped. As I lift my head and grab a new tissue (while pinching), I hear the footsteps coming toward me. My wife opens the door, looks at me, the shirt, and the bloody sink...and laughs. Now, I know why she does this, and I know if my mother reads this, she would be horrified, as this has happened before.
Mrs. Leab and I visited my mother in a previous fall. We were being taken around outside the house while my mother was explaining the various things she wanted to do with plants and bushes and such. To the left of one of the bushes is a covered well of sorts. See, part of the house is underground. It was built into a hill. The laundry room is about 15 feet below where we are standing, and the dryer is vented through this well (there's also a window for air). This well does have a covering, but it's not really designed to have a 200 pound man stand on it.
Long story short (too late) I take a bad step, the covering buckles, and I am now clutching the side of this well trying not to fall. My mother turns and is horrified. My wife...laughs. It's her defense mechanism. We all have one. Each of us reacts differently to tense situations. She laughs. I don't. It's very different for me. I don't think so much as react. There's a quick moment to assess what's going on around me and then I move. It's almost to logical...whatever. Anyway, the point is everyone reacts differently. I'm hanging there trying not to fall, and my wife can't move. She just laughs. After about three or four seconds, she is able to move and help my mother bring me up. To this day my mother still can't believe that happened. Not that I almost fell, but that my wife laughed.
So, she opens the door, sees me bleeding, and Mrs. Leab laughs. I know it means she's nervous, but I also know that if it were really serious, she wouldn't laugh...at least I hope she wouldn't.
"Honey, my hand has been cut off!"
"HAHAHAHAHA!"
That would suck.
I'm a very independent person. When I was in high school, I got a concussion by diving into a concrete wall (I was playing Ultimate Frisbee, and I was very competitive). I knew I was in trouble, but I didn't want anyone to touch me. Same when I hurt my knee, and the very same when I hurt my ankle.
Hell, when I was a Freshman in college, I dove off a ladder to save a light that was falling and was crushed underneath it (the light didn't break, however). There was another place where you could see how people react to tension. Two people laughed, one other gasped as if I had fallen 100 feet instead of 20. Lying there, my back in serious pain, I didn't want anyone to touch me. I couldn't move at first and my arms tingled, but I would be damned before anyone would help me get up. Was I possibly acting too macho? Looking back now, yeah, but it's also not wanting to be helped by others. Why? Control, most likely. I don't owe anybody then I'm on my own and not beholden.
As for today, my wife was shocked, but relieved I was ok. The bloody nose became the perfect symbol of my day (it didn't get much better, my day that is).
So how you react? Do you laugh? Do you act right away and think later (thus making you a good fireman)? What do you do? Hopefully you don't do what a former classmate of mine does and just sit on the ground. That's right. He would buckle his legs, move into a Half-Lotus position really quickly and just sit. Not good under pressure.
Have a peaceful weekend, folks.
Friday, December 02, 2005
Thursday, December 01, 2005
Slander a la Leab (12/1/05)
Wow, I've only tried a few of these, but apparently the new "Slander" portion of the blog is very popular. I had several emails from people telling me who they want targeted next. I also received a few emails from people telling me to be ashamed of myself for targeting "a good Minnesota family."
You know...when I moved to Minnesota, I was told people here had a GREAT sense of humor. I'm starting to doubt that EVERYONE does. I think it's really a minority....And most of them are transplants. Maybe that's too harsh.
Let's get to tonight's Slanderama!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Prairie Throwdown!
As everyone in the Minnesota Blogoverse (and other places as well) are aware of, "Rex" of the fantastic blog of the year MNSpeak sold a shirt which made fun of local entertainer Garrison Keillor's beloved show. Now most people understand a joke is a joke, but for some reason Keillor and his Lake Woebegon Law Team (they bleed you dry, but apologize the whole time) decided to come after "Rex". This is old news.
However, The I.T. Team managed to be present at all of the legal proceedings between Mr. Sorgatz and Mr. Keillor. What we discovered will make promoters, fans, and Minnesotans everywhere salivate: The two men will settle the problem in the most ancient fashion known to man: A fifteen round boxing match. You heard it here first folks.
The fight has been signed by none other than that mogul of the mat: Don "Only in America" King.
On December 17, "Rex "the Titanium Typist" Sorgatz will battle Garrison "The Lake Woebegon Battler" Keillor. The fight will take place not at the Fitzgerald, but at the Target Center. Both men had to be talked into this neutral site as neither man really wanted to be in St. Paul.
Not since the battle between Wassily Kandinsky and Pablo Picasso has the world of art & literature been so abuzz about a feud between two of its members. One local blogger put it best: "This fight makes all the hip-hop feuds look tame. If these men owned them, they would bust out their gats and do it gangland style."
The fight has many noted Minnesotans talking. On his most recent podcast, Senator Norm Coleman stated, "Paul Wellstone will probably crawl out of his grave to watch this...it's that exciting."
Coleman quickly retracted that statement with a Kennedyesque "Er, um, uh."
When asked about the fight, Mr. King began speaking with his typical flamboyance:
"This could be the greatest fight in the history of the world. On the one hand you have the young upstart. A man whose sheer presence in the blogging world has changed the very face of the Internet. His opponent is a crafty veteran of both literature and drama. When you hear the name of Garrison Keilor, you immediately think of the slow drawl, the quiet town, and the upcoming movie (which I helped produce). ONLY IN AMERICA!"
When pressed about naming this fight, Mr. King got very contemplative.
"I don't know yet. I was originally thinking 'The Throwdown in Hometown', but too many people thought that was odd and misleading.
'The Fight in the Snow Blight' didn't really make sense either. Right now, I'm leaning toward 'The Hostility in the TC.' Then Mr. King spent the next 20 minutes speaking about Tyson and other things the I.T. team couldn't really understand.
It's important to note that Mr. Keillor has done everything he can to avoid this fight. A recent transcript was delivered to the I.T. Team by none other than...Woody Harrelson. The man who will be portraying "Lefty" in the upcoming Prairie Home Companion movie came forward with a proposition that Mr. Keillor made to him:
GK (Keillor): How would you like to get a...bigger part in this movie?
WH (Harrelson): What would I have to do?
GK: There's a gentleman in this town causing me...anguish. I want him...removed. Would you be willing to do it?
WH: Mr. K, I don't know what you think I am. I'm just an actor...and a part-time activist.
GK: Look...I want Mr. Sorgatz taken down for what he did.
WH: Uh....Yeah....What did he do?
GK: He sullied the good name of Prairie Home Companion!!!
WH: I think I have to go, sir....
Mr. Harrelson has also indicated that Mr. Keillor has also hired a bunch of thugs he christened "The Lake Woebegon Bullies."
Get your tickets now, folks, because this fight is going to be one for the ages.
You know...when I moved to Minnesota, I was told people here had a GREAT sense of humor. I'm starting to doubt that EVERYONE does. I think it's really a minority....And most of them are transplants. Maybe that's too harsh.
Let's get to tonight's Slanderama!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
A Prairie Throwdown!
As everyone in the Minnesota Blogoverse (and other places as well) are aware of, "Rex" of the fantastic blog of the year MNSpeak sold a shirt which made fun of local entertainer Garrison Keillor's beloved show. Now most people understand a joke is a joke, but for some reason Keillor and his Lake Woebegon Law Team (they bleed you dry, but apologize the whole time) decided to come after "Rex". This is old news.
However, The I.T. Team managed to be present at all of the legal proceedings between Mr. Sorgatz and Mr. Keillor. What we discovered will make promoters, fans, and Minnesotans everywhere salivate: The two men will settle the problem in the most ancient fashion known to man: A fifteen round boxing match. You heard it here first folks.
The fight has been signed by none other than that mogul of the mat: Don "Only in America" King.
On December 17, "Rex "the Titanium Typist" Sorgatz will battle Garrison "The Lake Woebegon Battler" Keillor. The fight will take place not at the Fitzgerald, but at the Target Center. Both men had to be talked into this neutral site as neither man really wanted to be in St. Paul.
Not since the battle between Wassily Kandinsky and Pablo Picasso has the world of art & literature been so abuzz about a feud between two of its members. One local blogger put it best: "This fight makes all the hip-hop feuds look tame. If these men owned them, they would bust out their gats and do it gangland style."
The fight has many noted Minnesotans talking. On his most recent podcast, Senator Norm Coleman stated, "Paul Wellstone will probably crawl out of his grave to watch this...it's that exciting."
Coleman quickly retracted that statement with a Kennedyesque "Er, um, uh."
When asked about the fight, Mr. King began speaking with his typical flamboyance:"This could be the greatest fight in the history of the world. On the one hand you have the young upstart. A man whose sheer presence in the blogging world has changed the very face of the Internet. His opponent is a crafty veteran of both literature and drama. When you hear the name of Garrison Keilor, you immediately think of the slow drawl, the quiet town, and the upcoming movie (which I helped produce). ONLY IN AMERICA!"
When pressed about naming this fight, Mr. King got very contemplative.
"I don't know yet. I was originally thinking 'The Throwdown in Hometown', but too many people thought that was odd and misleading.
'The Fight in the Snow Blight' didn't really make sense either. Right now, I'm leaning toward 'The Hostility in the TC.' Then Mr. King spent the next 20 minutes speaking about Tyson and other things the I.T. team couldn't really understand.
It's important to note that Mr. Keillor has done everything he can to avoid this fight. A recent transcript was delivered to the I.T. Team by none other than...Woody Harrelson. The man who will be portraying "Lefty" in the upcoming Prairie Home Companion movie came forward with a proposition that Mr. Keillor made to him:
GK (Keillor): How would you like to get a...bigger part in this movie?
WH (Harrelson): What would I have to do?
GK: There's a gentleman in this town causing me...anguish. I want him...removed. Would you be willing to do it?
WH: Mr. K, I don't know what you think I am. I'm just an actor...and a part-time activist.
GK: Look...I want Mr. Sorgatz taken down for what he did.
WH: Uh....Yeah....What did he do?
GK: He sullied the good name of Prairie Home Companion!!!
WH: I think I have to go, sir....
Mr. Harrelson has also indicated that Mr. Keillor has also hired a bunch of thugs he christened "The Lake Woebegon Bullies."
Get your tickets now, folks, because this fight is going to be one for the ages.
Wednesday, November 30, 2005
Fun With Lists (Part Deux) 11/30/05
Ok, so Meridita had this list on her site, so I figured I would answer it here. This is tough, because it makes me have to open up, which...I'm not so good at...seriously.
Do you have any:
Allergies: Pollen
Phobias: Nope
Irrational fears: That my wife will wise up and leave me.
Siblings: Two older sisters
Girlfriends: I have in the past. Umm...married now. I have friends who are girls though...that count?
Pets: Three boy cats (all 8 years old).
Tattoos: No Comment
Friends you don't like: Yes, unfortunately.
Pet peeves: Talking in movie theatres, bad driving, bad sports ettiquette, bad manners, total ignorance
Have you ever been:
Arrested: Yup. Thanks alot Pope John Paul II
Engaged: Si.
Married: Currently so. Five years in March
Abroad: Yup. Europe, Canada, and the Caribbean
Hospitalized: Yup. It sucks
Heartbroken: Sigh. Yes. It was very bad.
In a fight (of the physical variety): Yes. A few times. I used to have a VERY bad temper. Most recently I threw down with a fellow Master's student.
What is your favorite:
Movie, Actor: This is WAY too hard. Movie: Hmmm, uh...I guess The Salton Sea...for now.
Actor: No idea.
Album, Musician: Also too hard. I'll go with Moby, 18.
Author, Book: Carter Beats the Devil.
Piece of art-work: Anything by Carravaggio.
Story to tell at a dinner party: There are alot. I've had a weird life. I could talk about my first date with my wife, or many others.
Story to tell on a first date: Swimming with Dolphins in the Galapagos, and how it relates to life.
Bar, locally: I seem to always end up at either Harvey's or The Independent.
City, in the country (and/or in the world): Hmm. Ok, in America: New York, hands down.
World Wide: Munich.
Describe:
Yourself, using ten adjectives: Humorous, loud, loving, introspective, philosophical, tired, eccentric, damaged, devoted, loyal
Your dream home: The Una-Bomber's Cabin...Ok not really.
Where you want to be in 5 years: Teaching high school possibly in somewhere other than Minnesota.
Where you think you will actually be in 5 years: Uh, probably teaching high school here and taking care of my child.
Your ideal partner: My wife. No one else I know has that much patience.
A time when you were most happy, or at peace: The first time I learned to meditate. I managed to shut it all off. The happiest? My first kiss with my wife.
The memory you wish you could forget: Walking in and catching my ex and her boyfriend in flagrante delicto.
The trait you most deplore in others: Ignorance
The trait you most deplore in yourself: Overt dependence on logic. Understanding of human condition (makes conversations hard).
There you go. Me, myself, and I in black and white.
Tomorrow, should nothing else go wrong (knock on wood) Slander a la Leab.
I hear a rapping, a gentle tapping...on my chamber door....Nighty night.
Do you have any:
Allergies: Pollen
Phobias: Nope
Irrational fears: That my wife will wise up and leave me.
Siblings: Two older sisters
Girlfriends: I have in the past. Umm...married now. I have friends who are girls though...that count?
Pets: Three boy cats (all 8 years old).
Tattoos: No Comment
Friends you don't like: Yes, unfortunately.
Pet peeves: Talking in movie theatres, bad driving, bad sports ettiquette, bad manners, total ignorance
Have you ever been:
Arrested: Yup. Thanks alot Pope John Paul II
Engaged: Si.
Married: Currently so. Five years in March
Abroad: Yup. Europe, Canada, and the Caribbean
Hospitalized: Yup. It sucks
Heartbroken: Sigh. Yes. It was very bad.
In a fight (of the physical variety): Yes. A few times. I used to have a VERY bad temper. Most recently I threw down with a fellow Master's student.
What is your favorite:
Movie, Actor: This is WAY too hard. Movie: Hmmm, uh...I guess The Salton Sea...for now.
Actor: No idea.
Album, Musician: Also too hard. I'll go with Moby, 18.
Author, Book: Carter Beats the Devil.
Piece of art-work: Anything by Carravaggio.
Story to tell at a dinner party: There are alot. I've had a weird life. I could talk about my first date with my wife, or many others.
Story to tell on a first date: Swimming with Dolphins in the Galapagos, and how it relates to life.
Bar, locally: I seem to always end up at either Harvey's or The Independent.
City, in the country (and/or in the world): Hmm. Ok, in America: New York, hands down.
World Wide: Munich.
Describe:
Yourself, using ten adjectives: Humorous, loud, loving, introspective, philosophical, tired, eccentric, damaged, devoted, loyal
Your dream home: The Una-Bomber's Cabin...Ok not really.
Where you want to be in 5 years: Teaching high school possibly in somewhere other than Minnesota.
Where you think you will actually be in 5 years: Uh, probably teaching high school here and taking care of my child.
Your ideal partner: My wife. No one else I know has that much patience.
A time when you were most happy, or at peace: The first time I learned to meditate. I managed to shut it all off. The happiest? My first kiss with my wife.
The memory you wish you could forget: Walking in and catching my ex and her boyfriend in flagrante delicto.
The trait you most deplore in others: Ignorance
The trait you most deplore in yourself: Overt dependence on logic. Understanding of human condition (makes conversations hard).
There you go. Me, myself, and I in black and white.
Tomorrow, should nothing else go wrong (knock on wood) Slander a la Leab.
I hear a rapping, a gentle tapping...on my chamber door....Nighty night.
Turkey Day Down
I know, it's now Wednesday night, and I haven't posted in a while. Sorry. To my E-migos, I apologize for my tardiness. To those of you who hate me, sorry to disappoint.
I have returned. Is this a good thing? I don’t know. I’m really tired. Faith said I should catch up on my sleep. I tried to, but at my in-laws’ house, that was never going to happen. However, I won’t bore you with my whining. Instead I think I will talk to you, dear reader, about my Turkey Day weekend. First of all, you’re probably wondering, “Hey, Leab, why isn’t this post a ‘Mail Monday’ post. Are you an idiot?” No. I know it’s Monday, but I didn’t really get any questions in my mail. I got hatemail, but that’s no fun when it isn’t in question form (seriously). Because of this, Mail Monday was canceled this week in order to bring you “A Very Special Holiday Episode.”
My in-laws, as I have mentioned before, live in a small town in Missouri. There’s nothing really there. Want to go out? Well there’s Wal-Mart…or…uh…well, there’s a movie theatre there somewhere. The whole town is essentially a housing development. Rowhouses as far as the eye can see. This is the town where my wife grew up.
You have to understand. I like my in-laws. I get along with them really well usually. How? I avoid all subjects that we would either disagree on or argue about with each other. I probably have a peptic ulcer from all the thoughts I’ve kept to myself. This past trip, I almost bit through my tongue trying to hold it. Still, I like my in-laws. They are nice people.
I have never really been a fan of the holidays. It has nothing to do with family issues or any of that crap so many people like to say is the reason people like me hate this time. No, it’s because of the commercialization of it all. Friday (or as it’s known now: BLACK FRIDAY, and what the hell is that. When the market crashed, it was a black day, but now it’s a good thing? New century…I guess.) is all about shopping. Yes, Thanksgiving is still safe…for now. Give it time, folks.
My wife’s family essentially gets tipsy and attacks each other with verbal barbs. It’s supposed to sound innocent, but you can feel the malice. In order to avoid retorting, arguing, or even talking, I had to constantly drink. I had a large amount of wine. Did I get a hangover? Not even close. Ah…it’s great to be a former drunk.
This is how dinner went:
Food is served
Grace is said
Everyone splits up. The men go watch football, the women chat.
Football game gets boring so the channel is changed to Fox News thus making it harder for me not to argue.
Now, you may be a hardcore Conservative, or just a Republican reading this thinking “Wait Leab, what’s wrong with Fox News? Are you a Pinko-Liberal or a Democrat?”
Here’s your answer: It’s not about my political affiliation. I'm not Republican (I'm not Democrat either, but that's not the point).
It’s about the fact that my in-laws are all Evangelical Conservatives. They are WAY over to the right. They make the Exile look like a Democrat. I’m not kidding. Here are some examples from the weekend:
If you say all politicians are corrupt (as my wife did), the response is, “No they aren’t. It’s only the Democrats. Republicans have everyone’s best interests at heart. You should not talk that way.” (SO NOT KIDDING.)
John McCain is now known as Traitor John. Period. No discussion.
If a Democrat is slandered on TV, it’s true. If a Republican is slandered, it’s the Democrats acting like children.
Nixon may have been framed.
That’s just a few.
My father-in-law likes to talk about what he would do if he were, “dictator for a day.” Actually he says, “Fuerher,” but…uh…yeah.
The best part of the weekend? Well, that would be when my wife mentioned that my father officiated a civil ceremony for two gay men. That did not go over well. My father is now considered “a traitor,” to the Republican Party. Apparently no self-respecting Republican would do that.
Now I have no problem with them attacking me. I have no problem when they question my wife about why she married me (“I mean his political and religious views…Come on!”), but you don’t attack my family. I explained I was proud of my father.
This touched off a skirmish. Not a war, not a battle, just a skirmish (I eventually backed off and left the room). Here’s what I learned from my in-laws:
-Homosexuality is a choice. If a 16 year old kid thinks he or she is gay, they’re really just confused, or they hate God. In fact, the downfall of America apparently coincides with the rise in Homosexuality. If there were fewer gays, the country would be stronger.
-It is because of teachers and public schools for teaching Sex Ed that teenagers are having sex younger and younger. That’s right. If Sex Ed wasn’t taught, then kids wouldn’t have sex. That’s the argument. If Sex Ed weren't taught there would also be fewer Homosexuals.
-John McCain is a traitor to the Republican Party for speaking out against torture. Traitor John, ladies and gentlemen. Traitor John.
This was all in one sitting. Oh, and I’m affecting my wife in a very negative fashion, because she now believes that all politicians are corrupt.
The other highlight for me: My mother-in-laws reasoning to not go to the movies: “People talk. It’s so annoying. You want to watch the movie but some person is sitting there talking away.” So, we watch Elf at the house. What does she do the whole time? TALK! She talked through the whole movie. I finally asked her to stop, because she was driving me nuts. She was describing all the actions, asking questions, and talking about things that nothing to do with the movie. “Oh that reminds me, two weeks ago I was going through the laundry when….”
Sigh. I could have seen the Johnny Cash movie or any other film, but alas, I was not allowed to go alone (so said my wife).
Let me say it again. I like my in-laws. We get along with each other (usually). Partially due to the fact that we can talk to each other and partially due to the fact that we avoid topics we’ll argue over. I get along with them (usually better than this). They treat me very well, and they have told my wife (or at least she says they have) that she couldn’t have married any better. They’re good people. We just have different views about the world. That’s normal.
Before you say anything, my wife’s relationship with my family is a little different. It’s less about arguing about different viewpoints and more about trying to figure out what the hell are my parents talking about (that’s the problem when two genius Bibliophiles talk to the each other: No one knows which way is out). That being said, if my wife disagreed with my parents’ P.O.V, she would be allowed to argue and not be made to feel as if she was a bad person (or un-American).
And if you have to question how I know I love my wife then listen to this: I’m returning to Missouri for Christmas. That’s right, my family gets no holiday this year…and my mom…not so happy about that.
Still, for all the downsides of this Turkey Day, I’m still grateful that I was able to be with my wife. She makes all the little things that drive me nuts vanish with a hug and a kind word.
That’s love in my opinion.
In the end I know what this is really about: The differences in people. I don't blame my in-laws for anything, and I don't think they're stupid for having different opinions. We are different. I celebrate it. Sure, it drives me insane, but my father put it best: "Sam Rayburn once said, 'You get along by going along, and you go along by getting along.' Do you understand?"
I do, Dad. I may not agree with my in-laws beliefs or politics, but I respect them for sticking to their guns and for being able to laugh with me. I also thank them for giving me permission to marry their daughter.
Peace.
I have returned. Is this a good thing? I don’t know. I’m really tired. Faith said I should catch up on my sleep. I tried to, but at my in-laws’ house, that was never going to happen. However, I won’t bore you with my whining. Instead I think I will talk to you, dear reader, about my Turkey Day weekend. First of all, you’re probably wondering, “Hey, Leab, why isn’t this post a ‘Mail Monday’ post. Are you an idiot?” No. I know it’s Monday, but I didn’t really get any questions in my mail. I got hatemail, but that’s no fun when it isn’t in question form (seriously). Because of this, Mail Monday was canceled this week in order to bring you “A Very Special Holiday Episode.”
My in-laws, as I have mentioned before, live in a small town in Missouri. There’s nothing really there. Want to go out? Well there’s Wal-Mart…or…uh…well, there’s a movie theatre there somewhere. The whole town is essentially a housing development. Rowhouses as far as the eye can see. This is the town where my wife grew up.
You have to understand. I like my in-laws. I get along with them really well usually. How? I avoid all subjects that we would either disagree on or argue about with each other. I probably have a peptic ulcer from all the thoughts I’ve kept to myself. This past trip, I almost bit through my tongue trying to hold it. Still, I like my in-laws. They are nice people.
I have never really been a fan of the holidays. It has nothing to do with family issues or any of that crap so many people like to say is the reason people like me hate this time. No, it’s because of the commercialization of it all. Friday (or as it’s known now: BLACK FRIDAY, and what the hell is that. When the market crashed, it was a black day, but now it’s a good thing? New century…I guess.) is all about shopping. Yes, Thanksgiving is still safe…for now. Give it time, folks.
My wife’s family essentially gets tipsy and attacks each other with verbal barbs. It’s supposed to sound innocent, but you can feel the malice. In order to avoid retorting, arguing, or even talking, I had to constantly drink. I had a large amount of wine. Did I get a hangover? Not even close. Ah…it’s great to be a former drunk.
This is how dinner went:
Food is served
Grace is said
Everyone splits up. The men go watch football, the women chat.
Football game gets boring so the channel is changed to Fox News thus making it harder for me not to argue.
Now, you may be a hardcore Conservative, or just a Republican reading this thinking “Wait Leab, what’s wrong with Fox News? Are you a Pinko-Liberal or a Democrat?”
Here’s your answer: It’s not about my political affiliation. I'm not Republican (I'm not Democrat either, but that's not the point).
It’s about the fact that my in-laws are all Evangelical Conservatives. They are WAY over to the right. They make the Exile look like a Democrat. I’m not kidding. Here are some examples from the weekend:
If you say all politicians are corrupt (as my wife did), the response is, “No they aren’t. It’s only the Democrats. Republicans have everyone’s best interests at heart. You should not talk that way.” (SO NOT KIDDING.)
John McCain is now known as Traitor John. Period. No discussion.
If a Democrat is slandered on TV, it’s true. If a Republican is slandered, it’s the Democrats acting like children.
Nixon may have been framed.
That’s just a few.
My father-in-law likes to talk about what he would do if he were, “dictator for a day.” Actually he says, “Fuerher,” but…uh…yeah.
The best part of the weekend? Well, that would be when my wife mentioned that my father officiated a civil ceremony for two gay men. That did not go over well. My father is now considered “a traitor,” to the Republican Party. Apparently no self-respecting Republican would do that.
Now I have no problem with them attacking me. I have no problem when they question my wife about why she married me (“I mean his political and religious views…Come on!”), but you don’t attack my family. I explained I was proud of my father.
This touched off a skirmish. Not a war, not a battle, just a skirmish (I eventually backed off and left the room). Here’s what I learned from my in-laws:
-Homosexuality is a choice. If a 16 year old kid thinks he or she is gay, they’re really just confused, or they hate God. In fact, the downfall of America apparently coincides with the rise in Homosexuality. If there were fewer gays, the country would be stronger.
-It is because of teachers and public schools for teaching Sex Ed that teenagers are having sex younger and younger. That’s right. If Sex Ed wasn’t taught, then kids wouldn’t have sex. That’s the argument. If Sex Ed weren't taught there would also be fewer Homosexuals.
-John McCain is a traitor to the Republican Party for speaking out against torture. Traitor John, ladies and gentlemen. Traitor John.
This was all in one sitting. Oh, and I’m affecting my wife in a very negative fashion, because she now believes that all politicians are corrupt.
The other highlight for me: My mother-in-laws reasoning to not go to the movies: “People talk. It’s so annoying. You want to watch the movie but some person is sitting there talking away.” So, we watch Elf at the house. What does she do the whole time? TALK! She talked through the whole movie. I finally asked her to stop, because she was driving me nuts. She was describing all the actions, asking questions, and talking about things that nothing to do with the movie. “Oh that reminds me, two weeks ago I was going through the laundry when….”
Sigh. I could have seen the Johnny Cash movie or any other film, but alas, I was not allowed to go alone (so said my wife).
Let me say it again. I like my in-laws. We get along with each other (usually). Partially due to the fact that we can talk to each other and partially due to the fact that we avoid topics we’ll argue over. I get along with them (usually better than this). They treat me very well, and they have told my wife (or at least she says they have) that she couldn’t have married any better. They’re good people. We just have different views about the world. That’s normal.
Before you say anything, my wife’s relationship with my family is a little different. It’s less about arguing about different viewpoints and more about trying to figure out what the hell are my parents talking about (that’s the problem when two genius Bibliophiles talk to the each other: No one knows which way is out). That being said, if my wife disagreed with my parents’ P.O.V, she would be allowed to argue and not be made to feel as if she was a bad person (or un-American).
And if you have to question how I know I love my wife then listen to this: I’m returning to Missouri for Christmas. That’s right, my family gets no holiday this year…and my mom…not so happy about that.
Still, for all the downsides of this Turkey Day, I’m still grateful that I was able to be with my wife. She makes all the little things that drive me nuts vanish with a hug and a kind word.
That’s love in my opinion.
In the end I know what this is really about: The differences in people. I don't blame my in-laws for anything, and I don't think they're stupid for having different opinions. We are different. I celebrate it. Sure, it drives me insane, but my father put it best: "Sam Rayburn once said, 'You get along by going along, and you go along by getting along.' Do you understand?"
I do, Dad. I may not agree with my in-laws beliefs or politics, but I respect them for sticking to their guns and for being able to laugh with me. I also thank them for giving me permission to marry their daughter.
Peace.
Thursday, November 24, 2005
Slander a la Leab (11/22/05)
Ok, so I won't be around to post until Sunday night. However, I figured because so many of you actually responded to my attempt at slander (shows you how much people miss you, Slanderizer), I would do it again.
Hope you enjoy this week's entry:
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Sinister Truths Revealed at Photo Shoot
The September issue of Mpls St.Paul Magazine featured an article about Minnesota News Anchors (and lovebirds) Frank Vascellaro and Amelia Santaniello. Beyond the beautiful shots of their home, a few secrets were revealed when the I.T. Team showed up to watch the shoot. A few tidbits are now revealed (thanks to the court lifting our "gag.":
Amelia talked about “needing her chiropractor,” to get through the day. “Chiropractor,” is in fact a code-name for her drug dealer. He meets her every Thursday just outside of the WCCO news building, where she gets a combination of Vicodin and Cocaine.
Frank is an alcoholic. He talked about the fact that he can’t live without, “the quick-pull wine opener.” Careful observation (and snooping through garbage) discovered that Mr. Vascellaro drinks three bottles of wine a day. That’s right, a day. Even during the shoot, Frank was “reeking of merlot” according to the photographer, and he needed a break to throw up in the sink behind him.
Amelia, all the while, just tapped her feet and muttered something about her chiropractor.
Because of the couple’s crazy schedule, they keep a full team (about 5) of Colombian refugees in their basement as slaves. At one point, one of the twins (Joe) spilled cereal on the floor, after being told (by Frank), “You know the punishment for insubordination,” the basement door opened and what appeared to be two under-fed people wearing rags on their bodies and collars around their necks started sweeping the floor.
Joe and Francesca are not the couple’s kids. In fact the twins are actually the offspring of two of the Colombian slaves. When her real mother appeared to start cleaning, Francesca tried to run away from the table. What the viewers couldn’t see was that Frank had her tethered to the table. She couldn’t get to her mother even if she tried. We knew not to intercede, because the couple warned everyone visiting their house that attempts to free the children, “will be met with serious repercussions. Don’t make us call 'The Don' down here.”
The couple’s “first child” (also known as Sam) is, in fact, not a child. He is a 32 year old little person named Emilio. He poses as the couple’s son in exchange for food, a green card, and the occasional hooker.
Anyone who wants to see the couple’s home should approach it with caution. Frank, not wanting attention when off the news set, hired an ex-marine to lay down booby traps for anyone who approaches the perimeter. So far only Amelia's father wasn't ready.
Hope you enjoy this week's entry:
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Sinister Truths Revealed at Photo Shoot
The September issue of Mpls St.Paul Magazine featured an article about Minnesota News Anchors (and lovebirds) Frank Vascellaro and Amelia Santaniello. Beyond the beautiful shots of their home, a few secrets were revealed when the I.T. Team showed up to watch the shoot. A few tidbits are now revealed (thanks to the court lifting our "gag.":Amelia talked about “needing her chiropractor,” to get through the day. “Chiropractor,” is in fact a code-name for her drug dealer. He meets her every Thursday just outside of the WCCO news building, where she gets a combination of Vicodin and Cocaine.
Frank is an alcoholic. He talked about the fact that he can’t live without, “the quick-pull wine opener.” Careful observation (and snooping through garbage) discovered that Mr. Vascellaro drinks three bottles of wine a day. That’s right, a day. Even during the shoot, Frank was “reeking of merlot” according to the photographer, and he needed a break to throw up in the sink behind him.
Amelia, all the while, just tapped her feet and muttered something about her chiropractor.
Because of the couple’s crazy schedule, they keep a full team (about 5) of Colombian refugees in their basement as slaves. At one point, one of the twins (Joe) spilled cereal on the floor, after being told (by Frank), “You know the punishment for insubordination,” the basement door opened and what appeared to be two under-fed people wearing rags on their bodies and collars around their necks started sweeping the floor.
Joe and Francesca are not the couple’s kids. In fact the twins are actually the offspring of two of the Colombian slaves. When her real mother appeared to start cleaning, Francesca tried to run away from the table. What the viewers couldn’t see was that Frank had her tethered to the table. She couldn’t get to her mother even if she tried. We knew not to intercede, because the couple warned everyone visiting their house that attempts to free the children, “will be met with serious repercussions. Don’t make us call 'The Don' down here.”
The couple’s “first child” (also known as Sam) is, in fact, not a child. He is a 32 year old little person named Emilio. He poses as the couple’s son in exchange for food, a green card, and the occasional hooker.
Anyone who wants to see the couple’s home should approach it with caution. Frank, not wanting attention when off the news set, hired an ex-marine to lay down booby traps for anyone who approaches the perimeter. So far only Amelia's father wasn't ready.
Wednesday, November 23, 2005
Happy Thanksgiving
Ok boys and girls.I'm leaving for Missouri.
I hope you all have a fun Thanksgiving.
I will return with mail on Monday.
Until then, may your days be easy, may your love be plenty, and may you be happy, healthy, and wealthy.
I.T.
Too Far?
Hmmm.
Did I perhaps go too far with my slander for Thursday? Will people understand that it's JUST A JOKE?
You tell me.
I've already gotten one email (yeah, I'm skipping school today as I have a long drive ahead of me) saying that it was, "a little over the line." Then again, I got another email saying, "It was pretty funny."
Either way, it's just a joke.
Here are some random thoughts this morning:
-It MUST have been a slow sports day yesterday. With all the basketball games (college or pro), the hockey games, and the college football games, Sportscenter still had President Bush pardoning Marshmallow as one of its top plays for the day. Now forgive me for being...slow, but when did a politician saying, "Ok, turkey, you get to live (think Dirty Harry)," constitute a sports moment? Seriously. Were players SO bad yesterday you couldn't find one more highlight. I've mentioned this problem in a previous post. When I was a kid, I used to watch Sportscenter every night before I went to bed (yes it was late, my family is a bunch of nighthawks). They had class. I would watch guys like Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann give the scores with the occasional joke. Now it's almost all jokes with the occasional score. What's next? Will they start showing Bush or other politicians signing documents?
"He's looking for the pen. Time is running out. He's going to go with the blue pen, which he calls 'Binky' according to friends. He's over the paper, and he lays the smackdown to that bill."
No?
Maybe it's just me.
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-Minneapolis was named the 34th most dangerous city in America. I find that absolutely fascinating. Maybe it's because I grew up on the East Coast, but I always thought of the Midwest as this quaint, safe place. Hell, when I told people I was moving to Minnesota, they said, "Oh, that's a really safe place. It has to be too cold to commit a crime."
Yet, now Minnesotans are afraid to walk around Block E as so many people have been beaten or robbed. Now, I've lived in St. Louis, which wasn't so bad. The thing that drags St. Louis down (or puts them so high on the list: 3) is East St. Louis which is technically in Illinois, but whatever. It's a hell hole. It's so bad that John Carpenter shot Escape From New York there because, "It looked like it had been hit by the Apocolypse." This was in the 80s folks. It hasn't gotten better yet. When I was in college, a girl I know had her car stolen, and it was dumped in East St. Louis totally stripped. Not a good day for her. The rest of the area? Pretty nice.
Then again, I've never been one to be afraid of walking or going somewhere. When I was five years old, I left my parents' apartment and walked through New York a few blocks to see them at their restaurant. There are parents I know, including mine, who are slightly horrified by that story. They think, "You were damn lucky. Today, you'd be stolen."
It's not just there. Both my sisters were mugged in almost the same spot in San Francisco. Not me. Maybe it's because I'm a guy, or maybe it's because I look crazy (beard, scruffy hair, kinda big, muttering to myself), but people leave me alone. I'm the guy who can walk down the center of a sidewalk, because everyone will move out of my way. On a really bad day, I can make people cross the street instead of walking by me. That's not bad for a white guy.
It's just fascinating to me that Minneapolis, which to me is quaint, is on the same list with Detroit, Cleveland, Compton, and more. That's all.
Ok, that's it for now.
See you all later.
Did I perhaps go too far with my slander for Thursday? Will people understand that it's JUST A JOKE?
You tell me.
I've already gotten one email (yeah, I'm skipping school today as I have a long drive ahead of me) saying that it was, "a little over the line." Then again, I got another email saying, "It was pretty funny."
Either way, it's just a joke.
Here are some random thoughts this morning:
-It MUST have been a slow sports day yesterday. With all the basketball games (college or pro), the hockey games, and the college football games, Sportscenter still had President Bush pardoning Marshmallow as one of its top plays for the day. Now forgive me for being...slow, but when did a politician saying, "Ok, turkey, you get to live (think Dirty Harry)," constitute a sports moment? Seriously. Were players SO bad yesterday you couldn't find one more highlight. I've mentioned this problem in a previous post. When I was a kid, I used to watch Sportscenter every night before I went to bed (yes it was late, my family is a bunch of nighthawks). They had class. I would watch guys like Dan Patrick and Keith Olbermann give the scores with the occasional joke. Now it's almost all jokes with the occasional score. What's next? Will they start showing Bush or other politicians signing documents?
"He's looking for the pen. Time is running out. He's going to go with the blue pen, which he calls 'Binky' according to friends. He's over the paper, and he lays the smackdown to that bill."
No?
Maybe it's just me.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
-Minneapolis was named the 34th most dangerous city in America. I find that absolutely fascinating. Maybe it's because I grew up on the East Coast, but I always thought of the Midwest as this quaint, safe place. Hell, when I told people I was moving to Minnesota, they said, "Oh, that's a really safe place. It has to be too cold to commit a crime."
Yet, now Minnesotans are afraid to walk around Block E as so many people have been beaten or robbed. Now, I've lived in St. Louis, which wasn't so bad. The thing that drags St. Louis down (or puts them so high on the list: 3) is East St. Louis which is technically in Illinois, but whatever. It's a hell hole. It's so bad that John Carpenter shot Escape From New York there because, "It looked like it had been hit by the Apocolypse." This was in the 80s folks. It hasn't gotten better yet. When I was in college, a girl I know had her car stolen, and it was dumped in East St. Louis totally stripped. Not a good day for her. The rest of the area? Pretty nice.
Then again, I've never been one to be afraid of walking or going somewhere. When I was five years old, I left my parents' apartment and walked through New York a few blocks to see them at their restaurant. There are parents I know, including mine, who are slightly horrified by that story. They think, "You were damn lucky. Today, you'd be stolen."
It's not just there. Both my sisters were mugged in almost the same spot in San Francisco. Not me. Maybe it's because I'm a guy, or maybe it's because I look crazy (beard, scruffy hair, kinda big, muttering to myself), but people leave me alone. I'm the guy who can walk down the center of a sidewalk, because everyone will move out of my way. On a really bad day, I can make people cross the street instead of walking by me. That's not bad for a white guy.
It's just fascinating to me that Minneapolis, which to me is quaint, is on the same list with Detroit, Cleveland, Compton, and more. That's all.
Ok, that's it for now.
See you all later.
Tuesday, November 22, 2005
Ramblings for the Evening (11/22/05)
Warning, there is a great deal of swearing in this post. You've been warned. Now you can't sue. HA!
And so Turkey Day creeps toward us. I'm almost counting the minutes until my wife and I hop in the car and drive those long, flat seven hours through Iowa into Missouri until I reach the tiny town of Raymore. If you've never heard of it...don't fret. Most people haven't. The only thing it's really known for is a golf course that a lot of Minnesota business people like to play.
I like my in-laws, don't get me wrong. It's just...well...they're born again Baptists. It's gotten better in the last couple years, but.... Let's just say I don't EVER talk about politics around them...or God...or anything that 's going to cause arguments. If I argue with them, I won't end until someone dies, and I don't think my wife will forgive me for killing her dad.
Sigh.
Ok, let's get to it.
So, without further ado: YOU EEEEEDDDDDIOOOTTT! (That's for Michele)
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Damn Minnesota Drivers!!!!!:
Look, I get it. People in this state cannot drive, but somehow it's getting worse. Today I saw a
woman not look to her right when she pulled out. She has a stop sign, I don't. I'm doing 40, and she's on a cell phone. Without even looking to see if I'm coming, she pulls out. I end up hitting my horn and shooting around her. (Here's where it gets good.) This woman speeds up and gets on my tail, then she hits me with her brights and honks. Is this the end of it? Hell no. She follows me for four miles until I stop at a gas station, gets out of her car, and proceeds to yell at me WHILE STILL ON HER CELLPHONE. That's right, whoever she was talking to got to listen while this woman berated me about cutting HER off. I'm sorry, I always thought that a stop sign meant YOU STOP WHILE I PASS BY, JACKASS!
Now, as you may or may not remember, dear reader, I haven't been sleeping, AND I've been stressed out. I did something I have only done once before: I decided to show this lady the full and awesome power of my anger. After listening to her yell at me for about a minute, I grabbed her phone from her hand, told the person on the other end, "She'll call you back later," took off the battery from the back and whipped it into the grass across the street. Then, before she could say anything, I said, "Listen you stupid cunt. YOU cut ME off back there. You never even looked to see me coming. I'm sorry that God didn't grant you any fucking brains OR looks, but the very fact that you were ON THE PHONE and DIDN'T LOOK is the real problem. People like you are the reason why GOD INVENTED ABORTION, BITCH! You better step the fuck off before I go into my car, grab my bat and show your car what it would have looked like if I hadn't been a good driver. Ok? The best part? The guy on the other side of the pump started clapping. This wasn't the end, however. The woman then said, "You threatened me. And you broke my phone. I'm calling the police and sueing your ass."
I was ready for this.
"Go ahead. I will ask them to get your cell phone records for the time. It will show that were on the phone and not paying attention to the road. THEN, I will counter sue for emotional damage and for a frivolous lawuit. I WILL BLEED YOU DRY. And then, when your homeless and having to explain to your children why you live in a box, I will show up and give them money with explicit instructions to leave you in that box. And finally, when you're dead, I WILL PISS ON YOUR GRAVE. Any questions?"
Did I overreact? Oh very much so. I could also tell by this woman's expression that she was not ready for any of this. I asked her again if she was going to call the cops. She said no. I apologized to her for screaming, to which she apologized back for not paying attention. I suggested that she get a hands-free set and to not follow people anymore. "When you follow a person, it usually puts them on edge."
My wife thinks I overreacted way too much, and I'm lucky I wasn't killed. I just want people in this state to learn to drive correctly.
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He's got X-Boxelitis: (or this one's for DeRusha)
So I had three classes today. The breakdown was as follows: 39 in first hour, 34 in second, and
27 in fourth. Total that's 100 kids. Now, the kids actually there were: 27 in first, 24 in second, and (drumroll) 15 in fourth. That means I had only 66 out of 100 kids or 2/3. Another way to put it is 33% were missing. Wait, it gets better. Out of 33 kids, 15 were out for vacation or being sick or just plain skipping for some reason. 18 kids were out with their new X-Box 360s. How do I know these 18 kids were out with X-Boxelitis? Let's see, yesterday a few of them told me they wouldn't be in, others left notes. THEY LEFT NOTES!
Mr. Leab,
I won't be in today, because I was able to get an X-Box 360. Timmy brought my homework, so please make sure it's added to my grade.
Have a great Thanksgiving,
James
(Names have been changed to protect the stupid.)
Come on people. It's JUST a video game machine. It can't solve world hunger, and for God's sake, it won't help you get through high school. Sure, it helps you blow off steam, but you couldn't make it two more days until break?
Then again, how many people will out with some sort of mysterious ailment tomorrow?
If students put in as much energy to their homework as they did avoiding school, their lives (and my life) would be easier.
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World's Ugliest Dog Dies:
No one cries. Wonder why that is? Could it be because the dog looked like it had been reanimated through a voodoo curse? Seriously, look at this dog and tell me I'm wrong.
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Random Insomnia Thought:
I thought of a great argument for a classroom. Maybe it's been done, I don't know, but here it is:
Was George Orwell actually a prophet when it came to where the government was going and what it would do, or did he give certain people the ideas on how to control the people.
In essence, was he a visionary, or the cause of the problem?
On the one hand, I could see how people look at Orwell and say, "Wow, in the 1950s he was talking about the government controlling people's thoughts and (shock of shocks) lying to us. That's insane." But don't you think it's more likely that a few people read 1984 and said, "That would WORK! Now, how can I push the government that way?" Seriously.
Or is it just me?
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Rivalries Go TOO Far:
This past weekend was rivalry weekend in College Football. Now, before you say, "Who the hell cares, Leab!" hear me out. In Alabama, a couple of guys at a frat party on the Alabama campus were stabbed for wearing Auburn colors. Alabama takes it's football super-duper seriously. (Right, Sherye?) It's not the only place, however. A guy in Ohio was grabbed by three men and thrown out a window for wearing Michigan colors. Hell, it's happened to me too.
When my wife and I moved to Minnesota, we drove from Michigan (where we worked the summer after graduation) across Wisconsin. Our Ryder truck was a lemon and we had to stop and spend the night in Madison. Unfortunately for me, it was Saturday, a rivalry week, and Wisconsin was playing against Michigan. Why is that a problem? I was wearing dark blue. So, Mrs. Leab and I duck into an Applebee's for dinner. Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, is wearing red, and there I am wearing blue. I was threatened, I had a beer dumped in my lap, and one guy threw a quarter at my head. I never said I was a Michigan fan, I just had the colors on in the wrong place. Our lemon Ryder truck, which had Michigan plates, was also tagged with Wisconsin colors (probably from a spray can). Not a good night, folks.
It's getting worse. People take the rivalries SO far that parents won't speak to children, brothers and sisters fight, and worse, husbands and wives leave the house. One guy I know went to Virginia, and his wife went Virginia Tech. Every year, when the schools meet, the loser from the previous year has to go a hotel for the weekend. I'm not kidding. Either he or she goes to a hotel from Thursday night until Sunday afternoon. That's rough and kinda crazy. Yes, the term fan was born from fanatic, but there has to be line. Stabbing someone? Crosses the line. Kicking out your spouse? Crosses the line. Pouring beer on a guy you don't know? Well that's why you paid my tab (the waitress went to Michigan...hehehe).
And finally:
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Hello Anger, My Old Friend... (A la Simon & Garfunkel...anyone?)
I've been feeling angry again. This is a time of year when we're supposed to be humane with each other, but more and more I see people not caring. I watched an old woman ask two people for help before a third person came over and pulled down an item for her from the top shelf at Byerly's. I saw a kid tell her mom, "who cares about them? It should be about me."
It just depresses me.
Worm talked about people with broad shoulders. The difference is that I can't just go through the motions. I can't just nod and give the pat answer. I wish I could. Even when the person is a complete stranger (like everyone who talks to me on planes), I fully listen.
I can't really explain it.
Ah screw it.
If you see me on WCCO holding a stick of dynamite, remember two things:
1. My left side is my good side and
2. I only talk to J.D.
Ok, maybe I won't be that extreme.
And so Turkey Day creeps toward us. I'm almost counting the minutes until my wife and I hop in the car and drive those long, flat seven hours through Iowa into Missouri until I reach the tiny town of Raymore. If you've never heard of it...don't fret. Most people haven't. The only thing it's really known for is a golf course that a lot of Minnesota business people like to play.
I like my in-laws, don't get me wrong. It's just...well...they're born again Baptists. It's gotten better in the last couple years, but.... Let's just say I don't EVER talk about politics around them...or God...or anything that 's going to cause arguments. If I argue with them, I won't end until someone dies, and I don't think my wife will forgive me for killing her dad.
Sigh.
Ok, let's get to it.
So, without further ado: YOU EEEEEDDDDDIOOOTTT! (That's for Michele)
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Damn Minnesota Drivers!!!!!:
Look, I get it. People in this state cannot drive, but somehow it's getting worse. Today I saw a
woman not look to her right when she pulled out. She has a stop sign, I don't. I'm doing 40, and she's on a cell phone. Without even looking to see if I'm coming, she pulls out. I end up hitting my horn and shooting around her. (Here's where it gets good.) This woman speeds up and gets on my tail, then she hits me with her brights and honks. Is this the end of it? Hell no. She follows me for four miles until I stop at a gas station, gets out of her car, and proceeds to yell at me WHILE STILL ON HER CELLPHONE. That's right, whoever she was talking to got to listen while this woman berated me about cutting HER off. I'm sorry, I always thought that a stop sign meant YOU STOP WHILE I PASS BY, JACKASS!Now, as you may or may not remember, dear reader, I haven't been sleeping, AND I've been stressed out. I did something I have only done once before: I decided to show this lady the full and awesome power of my anger. After listening to her yell at me for about a minute, I grabbed her phone from her hand, told the person on the other end, "She'll call you back later," took off the battery from the back and whipped it into the grass across the street. Then, before she could say anything, I said, "Listen you stupid cunt. YOU cut ME off back there. You never even looked to see me coming. I'm sorry that God didn't grant you any fucking brains OR looks, but the very fact that you were ON THE PHONE and DIDN'T LOOK is the real problem. People like you are the reason why GOD INVENTED ABORTION, BITCH! You better step the fuck off before I go into my car, grab my bat and show your car what it would have looked like if I hadn't been a good driver. Ok? The best part? The guy on the other side of the pump started clapping. This wasn't the end, however. The woman then said, "You threatened me. And you broke my phone. I'm calling the police and sueing your ass."
I was ready for this.
"Go ahead. I will ask them to get your cell phone records for the time. It will show that were on the phone and not paying attention to the road. THEN, I will counter sue for emotional damage and for a frivolous lawuit. I WILL BLEED YOU DRY. And then, when your homeless and having to explain to your children why you live in a box, I will show up and give them money with explicit instructions to leave you in that box. And finally, when you're dead, I WILL PISS ON YOUR GRAVE. Any questions?"
Did I overreact? Oh very much so. I could also tell by this woman's expression that she was not ready for any of this. I asked her again if she was going to call the cops. She said no. I apologized to her for screaming, to which she apologized back for not paying attention. I suggested that she get a hands-free set and to not follow people anymore. "When you follow a person, it usually puts them on edge."
My wife thinks I overreacted way too much, and I'm lucky I wasn't killed. I just want people in this state to learn to drive correctly.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
He's got X-Boxelitis: (or this one's for DeRusha)
So I had three classes today. The breakdown was as follows: 39 in first hour, 34 in second, and
27 in fourth. Total that's 100 kids. Now, the kids actually there were: 27 in first, 24 in second, and (drumroll) 15 in fourth. That means I had only 66 out of 100 kids or 2/3. Another way to put it is 33% were missing. Wait, it gets better. Out of 33 kids, 15 were out for vacation or being sick or just plain skipping for some reason. 18 kids were out with their new X-Box 360s. How do I know these 18 kids were out with X-Boxelitis? Let's see, yesterday a few of them told me they wouldn't be in, others left notes. THEY LEFT NOTES!Mr. Leab,
I won't be in today, because I was able to get an X-Box 360. Timmy brought my homework, so please make sure it's added to my grade.
Have a great Thanksgiving,
James
(Names have been changed to protect the stupid.)
Come on people. It's JUST a video game machine. It can't solve world hunger, and for God's sake, it won't help you get through high school. Sure, it helps you blow off steam, but you couldn't make it two more days until break?
Then again, how many people will out with some sort of mysterious ailment tomorrow?
If students put in as much energy to their homework as they did avoiding school, their lives (and my life) would be easier.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
World's Ugliest Dog Dies:
No one cries. Wonder why that is? Could it be because the dog looked like it had been reanimated through a voodoo curse? Seriously, look at this dog and tell me I'm wrong.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Random Insomnia Thought:
I thought of a great argument for a classroom. Maybe it's been done, I don't know, but here it is:
Was George Orwell actually a prophet when it came to where the government was going and what it would do, or did he give certain people the ideas on how to control the people.
In essence, was he a visionary, or the cause of the problem?
On the one hand, I could see how people look at Orwell and say, "Wow, in the 1950s he was talking about the government controlling people's thoughts and (shock of shocks) lying to us. That's insane." But don't you think it's more likely that a few people read 1984 and said, "That would WORK! Now, how can I push the government that way?" Seriously.
Or is it just me?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rivalries Go TOO Far:
This past weekend was rivalry weekend in College Football. Now, before you say, "Who the hell cares, Leab!" hear me out. In Alabama, a couple of guys at a frat party on the Alabama campus were stabbed for wearing Auburn colors. Alabama takes it's football super-duper seriously. (Right, Sherye?) It's not the only place, however. A guy in Ohio was grabbed by three men and thrown out a window for wearing Michigan colors. Hell, it's happened to me too.
When my wife and I moved to Minnesota, we drove from Michigan (where we worked the summer after graduation) across Wisconsin. Our Ryder truck was a lemon and we had to stop and spend the night in Madison. Unfortunately for me, it was Saturday, a rivalry week, and Wisconsin was playing against Michigan. Why is that a problem? I was wearing dark blue. So, Mrs. Leab and I duck into an Applebee's for dinner. Everyone, and I do mean EVERYONE, is wearing red, and there I am wearing blue. I was threatened, I had a beer dumped in my lap, and one guy threw a quarter at my head. I never said I was a Michigan fan, I just had the colors on in the wrong place. Our lemon Ryder truck, which had Michigan plates, was also tagged with Wisconsin colors (probably from a spray can). Not a good night, folks.It's getting worse. People take the rivalries SO far that parents won't speak to children, brothers and sisters fight, and worse, husbands and wives leave the house. One guy I know went to Virginia, and his wife went Virginia Tech. Every year, when the schools meet, the loser from the previous year has to go a hotel for the weekend. I'm not kidding. Either he or she goes to a hotel from Thursday night until Sunday afternoon. That's rough and kinda crazy. Yes, the term fan was born from fanatic, but there has to be line. Stabbing someone? Crosses the line. Kicking out your spouse? Crosses the line. Pouring beer on a guy you don't know? Well that's why you paid my tab (the waitress went to Michigan...hehehe).
And finally:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hello Anger, My Old Friend... (A la Simon & Garfunkel...anyone?)
I've been feeling angry again. This is a time of year when we're supposed to be humane with each other, but more and more I see people not caring. I watched an old woman ask two people for help before a third person came over and pulled down an item for her from the top shelf at Byerly's. I saw a kid tell her mom, "who cares about them? It should be about me."
It just depresses me.
Worm talked about people with broad shoulders. The difference is that I can't just go through the motions. I can't just nod and give the pat answer. I wish I could. Even when the person is a complete stranger (like everyone who talks to me on planes), I fully listen.
I can't really explain it.
Ah screw it.
If you see me on WCCO holding a stick of dynamite, remember two things:
1. My left side is my good side and
2. I only talk to J.D.
Ok, maybe I won't be that extreme.
Monday, November 21, 2005
Mail Mondays (11/21/05)
What a horrible day. This isn't about insomnia, this is about things not going right. But, because it's Monday, the problems will have to wait until tomorrow (or I may not talk about them. I don't know, I don't want this to be a blog about "oh woe is me." That just feels wrong).
As for mail, it's been a thin week. I'll respond to what I got.
Oh, and before I start, I want to apologize to Michele for not making it to the blogger gathering. I still owe you a drink.
Mail time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leab,
Are you making fun of Mounties?
Our cops can at least catch the criminals.
At least we aren't jelly donut-eating idiots, eh?
You better be careful in the future.
A Loyal Canadian
ALC,
Sigh, I'm going to assume you're from Alberta. Many Canadians from Alberta seem to lack...how should I put this...humor. If you go back and look at the post, you'll see the whole thing was a joke. Can malls talk? No.
Look, if I really wanted to make fun of the RCMP, I would talk about Ren and Stimpy (Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen, anybody?), or I would talk about the fact that THE DISNEY CORPORATION USED TO OWN THE MOUNTIE IMAGE! Don't believe me? Here it is in black and white. To use the image, they had to pay Disney. Can you imagine?
"We need a few more cars, eh? How much is that gonna cost? I'm getting a skull cramp....Someone call Mr. Eisner and find out how much we owe...and get it in Canadian, eh?"
Ok, but seriously, I like the RCMP. When I was working at the Tobacco Document Depository, I was assigned to work with the RCMP. Apparently they were doing research for several cases up in Manitoba. Nice guys (and they were all guys). We ended up going out one night for beer. That's when I heard all about how Canadian beer is better than American beer (an argument my brother-in-law brings up almost everytime I see him).
I'm not knocking the RCMP. I just thought that a strip club called "Mounties" would be a great double-entendre. That's all.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I.T.
Rap is crap. Period. You can't compare it to country music. All rappers care about are killing each other, taking their "bling-bling", and "bitches." At least country music has redeeming qualities.
Angry Country Fan
(Author's Note: I didn't put in the whole letter as the rest of it is just ripping on me and the site. Apparently, I'm an Un-American idiot with multiple problems...I love this country).
Ok, ACF. Let's get to the root of the problem.
I could easily start and say you're a racist, but that's not the point, and I don't think you are. I think the problem is that you are looking at two or three people and saying, "Wow, this is all of that genre. Everyone is like that." Yup, you're generalizing. I could do the same thing with country. There's a song, for example, called "I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)" Hmm. If I generalize than I can say that all Country music is about gay men. A man wants to be a woman to date himself? Woman trapped in a man's body? Homosexual.
Do I really believe this? No, but you get the idea about generalizing.
Sure, there are some rap songs dealing with pimps, killing, etc, but there are also songs that are affirming. Country is the same way. We all tap our foot to the Dixie Chicks while they sing about killing a man. Sure he was a wife-beater, but it's still murder.
In all honesty, most rap fans couldn't care less about country and vice versa. Sure, you have guys like Big and Rich singing about, "bling-bling" (which to me is proof a word is no longer cool and probably dead when it's used in a Country song), but that doesn't mean you're going to have a ton of African-Americans at a Garth Brooks concert. Look at last year's NBA All-Star game. They had Cowboy Troy and Big and Rich perform. When they cut to the crowd, who was jamming to the music? The white folk. Who was looking around wondering what the hell was going on? Mostly the black folk.
It's hard not to generalize, I know, but we have to work on it. Otherwise I'm going to get called an asshole a great deal more.
Then again what do I know? I'm the ultimate villain in the world: A white, middle-class man (who likes all sorts of music). I could be wrong.
Tomorrow we'll have ramblings and a quick note for Wednesday, then...I'm off to the in-laws.
As for mail, it's been a thin week. I'll respond to what I got.
Oh, and before I start, I want to apologize to Michele for not making it to the blogger gathering. I still owe you a drink.
Mail time.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leab,
Are you making fun of Mounties?
Our cops can at least catch the criminals.
At least we aren't jelly donut-eating idiots, eh?
You better be careful in the future.
A Loyal Canadian
ALC,
Sigh, I'm going to assume you're from Alberta. Many Canadians from Alberta seem to lack...how should I put this...humor. If you go back and look at the post, you'll see the whole thing was a joke. Can malls talk? No.
Look, if I really wanted to make fun of the RCMP, I would talk about Ren and Stimpy (Royal Canadian Kilted Yaksmen, anybody?), or I would talk about the fact that THE DISNEY CORPORATION USED TO OWN THE MOUNTIE IMAGE! Don't believe me? Here it is in black and white. To use the image, they had to pay Disney. Can you imagine?"We need a few more cars, eh? How much is that gonna cost? I'm getting a skull cramp....Someone call Mr. Eisner and find out how much we owe...and get it in Canadian, eh?"
Ok, but seriously, I like the RCMP. When I was working at the Tobacco Document Depository, I was assigned to work with the RCMP. Apparently they were doing research for several cases up in Manitoba. Nice guys (and they were all guys). We ended up going out one night for beer. That's when I heard all about how Canadian beer is better than American beer (an argument my brother-in-law brings up almost everytime I see him).
I'm not knocking the RCMP. I just thought that a strip club called "Mounties" would be a great double-entendre. That's all.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
I.T.
Rap is crap. Period. You can't compare it to country music. All rappers care about are killing each other, taking their "bling-bling", and "bitches." At least country music has redeeming qualities.
Angry Country Fan
(Author's Note: I didn't put in the whole letter as the rest of it is just ripping on me and the site. Apparently, I'm an Un-American idiot with multiple problems...I love this country).
Ok, ACF. Let's get to the root of the problem.
I could easily start and say you're a racist, but that's not the point, and I don't think you are. I think the problem is that you are looking at two or three people and saying, "Wow, this is all of that genre. Everyone is like that." Yup, you're generalizing. I could do the same thing with country. There's a song, for example, called "I Wish I Were A Woman (So I Could Go Out With A Guy Like Me)" Hmm. If I generalize than I can say that all Country music is about gay men. A man wants to be a woman to date himself? Woman trapped in a man's body? Homosexual.
Do I really believe this? No, but you get the idea about generalizing.
Sure, there are some rap songs dealing with pimps, killing, etc, but there are also songs that are affirming. Country is the same way. We all tap our foot to the Dixie Chicks while they sing about killing a man. Sure he was a wife-beater, but it's still murder.
In all honesty, most rap fans couldn't care less about country and vice versa. Sure, you have guys like Big and Rich singing about, "bling-bling" (which to me is proof a word is no longer cool and probably dead when it's used in a Country song), but that doesn't mean you're going to have a ton of African-Americans at a Garth Brooks concert. Look at last year's NBA All-Star game. They had Cowboy Troy and Big and Rich perform. When they cut to the crowd, who was jamming to the music? The white folk. Who was looking around wondering what the hell was going on? Mostly the black folk.
It's hard not to generalize, I know, but we have to work on it. Otherwise I'm going to get called an asshole a great deal more.
Then again what do I know? I'm the ultimate villain in the world: A white, middle-class man (who likes all sorts of music). I could be wrong.
Tomorrow we'll have ramblings and a quick note for Wednesday, then...I'm off to the in-laws.
Friday, November 18, 2005
Ramblings for the Evening (11/18/05)
It's Friday night. When I was in college, I would be partying at this time of night. Now, I sit here at my computer wondering why I can't get to sleep. My wife, who still isn't feeling well, is passed out cold. Not me. Granted, when I was in college, I had mastered the four hour night. Go to bed at 3 and wake up at 7. No pain. Guess it caught up to me. Of course that six day experiment with no sleep didn't help much.
Might as well get to the rambles.
So, without further ado: BRONCO BILLY!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Songs to the Key of Me:
A student asked me what song truly represents who I am. Now, first of all, there cannot be one song to describe a person. There can be one song at the time, but we feel different things at different times of the day. This is one reason why, during my student teaching, I had the Senior English class create The Soundtrack of Your Life. In essence, the students had to pick no less than five songs, explain how the song speaks to their life, and then choose lyrics from the song to illustrate the point (teachers: feel free to crib. It's what we do). The students got into that assignment. It made up for making them read The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka...or so I was told.
Anyway, the second point is that when the pressure is applied, it can be hard to boil your life down to one song. However, because I haven't been able to sleep, the perfect song came right into my head: "Overkill" by Men at Work. Do you know this song? If not, the lyrics are below. Discussion will continue after the song.
I can’t get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it’s just my imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day
Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It’s time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation
At least there’s pretty lights
And though there’s little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
I can’t get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It’s just overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Now, except for the part about being alone in the sheets (as my wife is asleep there. However, not wanting to wake her up, I wait till she passes out and then I sneak away to continue my insomnia).
If this song is my representation (and I only thought of it because of the opening line) then it means I worry about things I can't fix. It's true that I do. Though I would never admit to them personally, I worry about my students alot. Some of them don't realize how great they are, how smart they are, or even how talented they are. Some have a screwed up view of the world that has no real basis. I could go on and on.
I worry about my wife, of course.
I worry about my family members.
I think really random thoughts when I can't sleep as well (more on that later).
I've said this before. My brain is like a radio that gets four stations in clearly all at once, and I can understand each station all the time. It's really weird.
So, let me open this up to you, my dear readers. What are three songs that represent who you are right now? Give it some thought before you answer.
And don't worry about me. As the man says, "I'm not dead yet. I feel happy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leab, Psychologist...For Free:
I ended up playing psychologist again today. I know there are people and students who get so pissed at me when I do that, but you know what? As much as you don't want to admit it: I'm usually right. That's what happens when you've gone through Hell, seen people go through Hell, and guided people back from Hell.
Anyway, I bought some windows tonight. (I know, seems like a weird segue, but it comes back.) The guy (I won't use his name or the company name) shows up at my house to do some measurements and to talk to me about payment (I managed to haggle the price way down...it was a good night for me in the saving money department). We sit in my kitchen and start talking. Now, I've met him before and remembered some information he told me about his kid, his wife, and such. I ask him how all that's going, and suddenly he's my patient. He starts telling me about how his co-workers attack him for his political and religious beliefs (he's the only Liberal and the only Jew where he works), how he's unhappy with the direction of the world (COUGH--TOM--COUGH), and more. A quick 15 minute visit became an hour. 60 minutes while I tried to help him sort his feelings. This is happening to me more and more. One of my students told me I should be a counselor. I don't think so. I like helping people, but sometimes I hear these problems and...well...I don't think they're real problems. If you don't like the Goldfish your mom bought you, just tell her. She won't die or hate you because of it. Come on.
Still, it makes me wonder if this thing is passed on from generation to generation. My father has this same problem. He goes to the post office and some schmuck comes to him for advice. It's weird.
Sometimes, though, people really don't want help. They just want someone to reiterate the beliefs they have back at them. Let's try to make that less vague. Person A belives Democracy is going down the toilet. Others disagree. They tell someone, "I believe that Democracy is dying." Person B then says, "Ok, you believe Democracy is dying." Person A now has heard their belief made concrete. It has been reiterated to them. Make sense?
Maybe not. I AM rambling here.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Random Insomnia Thoughts:
-Who decides what the "it" toy for the Holiday is. Are there a bunch of kids who play with these things and say, "I want that all the time," and thus the publicity is born? Is it adults trying to think like children?
-History is cyclical...unfortunately. Having seen Good Night, and Good Luck, it's amazing to me how much our society now is starting to look like America in the 1950s. Look out...your neighbor MAY BE A TERRORIST. Check the threat level! Anyone who disagrees with this is UN-AMERICAN!
-If a dog and a cat have a close relationship, is that like a gay couple in the animal world? Or is it more like a rich uptown/person from the wrong side of the tracks relationship?
-Why aren't there more new Rabbi/Priest jokes?
-Why can't the government just give us an even number for stamps? 39 cents? Come on. Just make it 40 cents now and leave us alone for awhile. A sheet of stamps would be a straight 8 dollars. That works for me. Now were looking at $7.80. Great, I get change back that's both bills AND coins. Not cool, U.S. Postal service. And why can't I give my postman money at Christmas? I can give a doorman, sanitation worker, even a cop money at Holiday time. Why not a postal worker. They deserve it now.
-Why is that fashion went back to the 60s, 70s, and 80s, but not to the 40s when everyone dressed really nicely?
-If emotions are nothing more than an amino acid, then it would be really easy to inhibit them with a drug...hence anti-depression medication.
-Why is it that countries like Germany and Ireland, which have such great beers, come here and drink Budweiser? It makes no sense to me.
This last one actually happened tonight, so it's funny that I was thinking about it.
-If you go to a restaurant and remember information that the wait staff has given you (what they're studying, funny stories, etc) does that mean you're flirting or just a nice guy?
Personally I want to know as the girl at the Greek place thought I was flirting with her, because I remembered she dropped out of Law School. I was just being nice. How is that flirting?
Believe me, I got ALOT more. I'll wait, however.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nastygrams:
Like Mr. DeRusha, I get some pretty interesting hatemail here. Sure, I'm not a TV reporter, but I apparently write things people don't like (and some of you still don't get that the whole Sherno thing was and still is a joke).
Still, let's not pick on DeRusha for reporting on the Sex show, ok? He's doing his job, and his joke about "sex in the middle" was funny.
You can send hatemail to me all you want, but let's try not to hate a reporter for...oh...I don't know...doing his job.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contact from the Slanderous One:
I spoke with the Slanderizer. Slanderous Minneapolis will return soon, but I have been given the ok to have slander once a week until SM returns. Look for a Vascellaro story next week (your turn is coming J.D....It's coming. Ok, just kidding. You I can stand).
And finally:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Loving my Readers:
Sure, I get hatemail, but I know there are also a few of you out here who check in to see what ole crazy here is spouting today. I appreciate it. Whether it's Sherye and D.J. down in Bama (Roll Tide!), or the "crew" in Hawaii, I'm glad something I have to say either makes you think, laugh, or just be pissed (and for you Brits, that's the anger, not the drunkeness, though I wish I could do that with words).
So here's a toast to you, my dear readers. May you be healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Prost!
Until Monday, Guten Nacht.
Might as well get to the rambles.
So, without further ado: BRONCO BILLY!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Songs to the Key of Me:
A student asked me what song truly represents who I am. Now, first of all, there cannot be one song to describe a person. There can be one song at the time, but we feel different things at different times of the day. This is one reason why, during my student teaching, I had the Senior English class create The Soundtrack of Your Life. In essence, the students had to pick no less than five songs, explain how the song speaks to their life, and then choose lyrics from the song to illustrate the point (teachers: feel free to crib. It's what we do). The students got into that assignment. It made up for making them read The Metamorphosis by Franz Kafka...or so I was told.
Anyway, the second point is that when the pressure is applied, it can be hard to boil your life down to one song. However, because I haven't been able to sleep, the perfect song came right into my head: "Overkill" by Men at Work. Do you know this song? If not, the lyrics are below. Discussion will continue after the song.
I can’t get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
Perhaps it’s just my imagination
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Come back another day
Alone between the sheets
Only brings exasperation
It’s time to walk the streets
Smell the desperation
At least there’s pretty lights
And though there’s little variation
It nullifies the night
From overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
I can’t get to sleep
I think about the implications
Of diving in too deep
And possibly the complications
Especially at night
I worry over situations
I know will be alright
It’s just overkill
Day after day it reappears
Night after night my heartbeat shows the fear
Ghosts appear and fade away
Now, except for the part about being alone in the sheets (as my wife is asleep there. However, not wanting to wake her up, I wait till she passes out and then I sneak away to continue my insomnia).
If this song is my representation (and I only thought of it because of the opening line) then it means I worry about things I can't fix. It's true that I do. Though I would never admit to them personally, I worry about my students alot. Some of them don't realize how great they are, how smart they are, or even how talented they are. Some have a screwed up view of the world that has no real basis. I could go on and on.
I worry about my wife, of course.
I worry about my family members.
I think really random thoughts when I can't sleep as well (more on that later).
I've said this before. My brain is like a radio that gets four stations in clearly all at once, and I can understand each station all the time. It's really weird.
So, let me open this up to you, my dear readers. What are three songs that represent who you are right now? Give it some thought before you answer.
And don't worry about me. As the man says, "I'm not dead yet. I feel happy."
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Leab, Psychologist...For Free:
I ended up playing psychologist again today. I know there are people and students who get so pissed at me when I do that, but you know what? As much as you don't want to admit it: I'm usually right. That's what happens when you've gone through Hell, seen people go through Hell, and guided people back from Hell.
Anyway, I bought some windows tonight. (I know, seems like a weird segue, but it comes back.) The guy (I won't use his name or the company name) shows up at my house to do some measurements and to talk to me about payment (I managed to haggle the price way down...it was a good night for me in the saving money department). We sit in my kitchen and start talking. Now, I've met him before and remembered some information he told me about his kid, his wife, and such. I ask him how all that's going, and suddenly he's my patient. He starts telling me about how his co-workers attack him for his political and religious beliefs (he's the only Liberal and the only Jew where he works), how he's unhappy with the direction of the world (COUGH--TOM--COUGH), and more. A quick 15 minute visit became an hour. 60 minutes while I tried to help him sort his feelings. This is happening to me more and more. One of my students told me I should be a counselor. I don't think so. I like helping people, but sometimes I hear these problems and...well...I don't think they're real problems. If you don't like the Goldfish your mom bought you, just tell her. She won't die or hate you because of it. Come on.
Still, it makes me wonder if this thing is passed on from generation to generation. My father has this same problem. He goes to the post office and some schmuck comes to him for advice. It's weird.
Sometimes, though, people really don't want help. They just want someone to reiterate the beliefs they have back at them. Let's try to make that less vague. Person A belives Democracy is going down the toilet. Others disagree. They tell someone, "I believe that Democracy is dying." Person B then says, "Ok, you believe Democracy is dying." Person A now has heard their belief made concrete. It has been reiterated to them. Make sense?
Maybe not. I AM rambling here.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Random Insomnia Thoughts:
-Who decides what the "it" toy for the Holiday is. Are there a bunch of kids who play with these things and say, "I want that all the time," and thus the publicity is born? Is it adults trying to think like children?
-History is cyclical...unfortunately. Having seen Good Night, and Good Luck, it's amazing to me how much our society now is starting to look like America in the 1950s. Look out...your neighbor MAY BE A TERRORIST. Check the threat level! Anyone who disagrees with this is UN-AMERICAN!
-If a dog and a cat have a close relationship, is that like a gay couple in the animal world? Or is it more like a rich uptown/person from the wrong side of the tracks relationship?
-Why aren't there more new Rabbi/Priest jokes?
-Why can't the government just give us an even number for stamps? 39 cents? Come on. Just make it 40 cents now and leave us alone for awhile. A sheet of stamps would be a straight 8 dollars. That works for me. Now were looking at $7.80. Great, I get change back that's both bills AND coins. Not cool, U.S. Postal service. And why can't I give my postman money at Christmas? I can give a doorman, sanitation worker, even a cop money at Holiday time. Why not a postal worker. They deserve it now.
-Why is that fashion went back to the 60s, 70s, and 80s, but not to the 40s when everyone dressed really nicely?
-If emotions are nothing more than an amino acid, then it would be really easy to inhibit them with a drug...hence anti-depression medication.
-Why is it that countries like Germany and Ireland, which have such great beers, come here and drink Budweiser? It makes no sense to me.
This last one actually happened tonight, so it's funny that I was thinking about it.
-If you go to a restaurant and remember information that the wait staff has given you (what they're studying, funny stories, etc) does that mean you're flirting or just a nice guy?
Personally I want to know as the girl at the Greek place thought I was flirting with her, because I remembered she dropped out of Law School. I was just being nice. How is that flirting?
Believe me, I got ALOT more. I'll wait, however.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Nastygrams:
Like Mr. DeRusha, I get some pretty interesting hatemail here. Sure, I'm not a TV reporter, but I apparently write things people don't like (and some of you still don't get that the whole Sherno thing was and still is a joke).
Still, let's not pick on DeRusha for reporting on the Sex show, ok? He's doing his job, and his joke about "sex in the middle" was funny.
You can send hatemail to me all you want, but let's try not to hate a reporter for...oh...I don't know...doing his job.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Contact from the Slanderous One:
I spoke with the Slanderizer. Slanderous Minneapolis will return soon, but I have been given the ok to have slander once a week until SM returns. Look for a Vascellaro story next week (your turn is coming J.D....It's coming. Ok, just kidding. You I can stand).
And finally:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Loving my Readers:
Sure, I get hatemail, but I know there are also a few of you out here who check in to see what ole crazy here is spouting today. I appreciate it. Whether it's Sherye and D.J. down in Bama (Roll Tide!), or the "crew" in Hawaii, I'm glad something I have to say either makes you think, laugh, or just be pissed (and for you Brits, that's the anger, not the drunkeness, though I wish I could do that with words).
So here's a toast to you, my dear readers. May you be healthy, wealthy, and wise.
Prost!
Until Monday, Guten Nacht.
Thursday, November 17, 2005
And Now...A New Edition
Ok, I don't know about you, but I miss Slanderous Minneapolis. The Slanderizer is great at using the Twin Cities as a base and creating fantastic and funny stories. It's been awhile since the last entry. So, until Slanderizer returns with new material, I will dedicate my Thursdays to slander around the Twin Cities. Sure, it won't be as funny as Slanderous Minneapolis, but I'll give it the college try. So, I present:
Slander a la Leab
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War Between Malls Looms
Bloomington-
Ever since it opened, millions upon millions of people have visited The Mall of America, a shining
beacon of Capitalism headquartered here in the "third city" of the Twin Cities. On average, the Mall draws about 40 million people per year. That's more than Disneyland, Graceland, AND the Grand Canyon combined. It is, in fact, the largest mall in America, but not the world. 
In the city of Edmonton lies the West Edmonton Mall, or the Mall of Canada to most Canadians. This mall has over 800 stores, 110 places to eat, AND the world's largest indoor wave pool (but only 1 Starbucks. How...strange).
Ever since the West Ed mall added on, the MOA has been acting like a jealous teenager. "Oh he thinks he's soooo great,' MOA was heard saying. Just wait till I get that casino and hotel, then I'll add a skyway over to Ikea. Then I'LL be the biggest mall...IN THE WORLD!"
Not to be outdone, the MOC lashed back.
"What did that hoser say? Oh, I should check MOA into the boards for giving me a skull cramp. He wouldn't last a second here in the harsh climate of Alberta. It takes a real mall to cater to the water park AND the shopping crowd. I need a Molson. Whatever MOA thinks it can do, I can do better AND cheaper."
Upon hearing this our beloved Minnesota mall was set into a frenzy.
"That bitch. Oh it's so on now. SO ON! I was able to bitch slap the Palisades in Nyack, New York when it thought it would be bigger, and this little 'strip mall' won't be a problem either. Here's what I want you to tell my 'friend' to the north. We have places where families can still go. The fact that he has a restaurant called 'Mounties' where half-naked women serve food dressed at Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) ON HORSES. How is that sanitary? HORSES, IN A RESTAURANT. What the hell are those Canadians thinking?"
Insiders say that the war of words may elevate from minor taunting until someone "gets served." Only time will tell.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And as a bonus:
This just in:
To all residents of Minnesota. My sources tell me that Don Shelby has lost a bet with Jason DeRusha. While discussing the Sex and So Much More show happening right now, The Don made a bet with J.D
about the number of films special guest Ron Jeremy has appeared in. After a tense debate and much fact-checking, it turned out that DeRusha had the exact number (928)while Shelby was 42 off. The fact that DeRusha knew this number worries this reporter, but Jason seems like a very intelligent man with intricate knowledge of the strange.
Due to the fact that The Don lost this bet, he has to appear at the show this weekend and be around the Twin Cities all day when not in the convention center. What's worse (for Mr. Shelby anyway) is that the specifics of the bet have become even more clear: Mr. Shelby cannot complain if anyone hugs him or asks him, "Got Milk?"
So, if you see Don Shelby this weekend, feel free to yell, "Got Milk?" at him, or, do what this reporter is going to, and hug him. He looks like he needs a good hug.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like I said, not as good as the Slanderizer, but I'm trying.
See you all tomorrow...I hope.
Slander a la Leab
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
War Between Malls Looms
Bloomington-
Ever since it opened, millions upon millions of people have visited The Mall of America, a shining
beacon of Capitalism headquartered here in the "third city" of the Twin Cities. On average, the Mall draws about 40 million people per year. That's more than Disneyland, Graceland, AND the Grand Canyon combined. It is, in fact, the largest mall in America, but not the world. 
In the city of Edmonton lies the West Edmonton Mall, or the Mall of Canada to most Canadians. This mall has over 800 stores, 110 places to eat, AND the world's largest indoor wave pool (but only 1 Starbucks. How...strange).
Ever since the West Ed mall added on, the MOA has been acting like a jealous teenager. "Oh he thinks he's soooo great,' MOA was heard saying. Just wait till I get that casino and hotel, then I'll add a skyway over to Ikea. Then I'LL be the biggest mall...IN THE WORLD!"
Not to be outdone, the MOC lashed back.
"What did that hoser say? Oh, I should check MOA into the boards for giving me a skull cramp. He wouldn't last a second here in the harsh climate of Alberta. It takes a real mall to cater to the water park AND the shopping crowd. I need a Molson. Whatever MOA thinks it can do, I can do better AND cheaper."
Upon hearing this our beloved Minnesota mall was set into a frenzy.
"That bitch. Oh it's so on now. SO ON! I was able to bitch slap the Palisades in Nyack, New York when it thought it would be bigger, and this little 'strip mall' won't be a problem either. Here's what I want you to tell my 'friend' to the north. We have places where families can still go. The fact that he has a restaurant called 'Mounties' where half-naked women serve food dressed at Royal Canadian Mounted Police (RCMP) ON HORSES. How is that sanitary? HORSES, IN A RESTAURANT. What the hell are those Canadians thinking?"
Insiders say that the war of words may elevate from minor taunting until someone "gets served." Only time will tell.
----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
And as a bonus:
This just in:
To all residents of Minnesota. My sources tell me that Don Shelby has lost a bet with Jason DeRusha. While discussing the Sex and So Much More show happening right now, The Don made a bet with J.D
about the number of films special guest Ron Jeremy has appeared in. After a tense debate and much fact-checking, it turned out that DeRusha had the exact number (928)while Shelby was 42 off. The fact that DeRusha knew this number worries this reporter, but Jason seems like a very intelligent man with intricate knowledge of the strange. Due to the fact that The Don lost this bet, he has to appear at the show this weekend and be around the Twin Cities all day when not in the convention center. What's worse (for Mr. Shelby anyway) is that the specifics of the bet have become even more clear: Mr. Shelby cannot complain if anyone hugs him or asks him, "Got Milk?"
So, if you see Don Shelby this weekend, feel free to yell, "Got Milk?" at him, or, do what this reporter is going to, and hug him. He looks like he needs a good hug.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Like I said, not as good as the Slanderizer, but I'm trying.
See you all tomorrow...I hope.
Michele Says
Twin Cities Blogger gathering. Saturday night (say 7:30 or so) Psycho Suzi's. If you can make it, be there. Oh, and the guest of honor is Michele, so do something nice for her (buying drinks works).
'Nuff said.
'Nuff said.
Wednesday, November 16, 2005
Ramblings for the Evening (11/16/05)
So tired. What's worse is that my wife is having problems sleeping as well. There's nothing worse than just lying there and then hearing, "You awake, too?" Makes me feel guilty.
Best moment of the day? Trying to explain to someone what the term, "Good job," means.
"Is it great?"
"No, it's a good job."
"What would have made it great?"
"Well, no mistakes."
"Wouldn't it have been excellent then?"
"Do you want me to say 'Ok job' chief?"
"Nooooo."
"Then stop talking and take your 8 out of 10."
Well let's get to it.
So, without further ado: WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Movies in Class:
A buddy of mine sent me this article, and it really pissed me off. Now, I can see both sides of this argument (which I will show here), but overall this is absolutely stupid. The teacher is showing a historical film. One that is used in college classes to give students an idea of the Elizabethan Era. Yes, it is R-rated, but so is Schindler's List, a film shown freely in most classes, because it deals with a the Holocaust in a frank manner (no pun intended Anne Frank fans). If you refuse to read the article, an English teacher in Georgia showed the film Elizabeth to his senior AP
English class. Once discovered, he was given five minutes to either resign or be fired. Where's the choice? No chance to defend himself, just leave or be tossed. However, I said I would look at this objectively, so:
Best moment of the day? Trying to explain to someone what the term, "Good job," means.
"Is it great?"
"No, it's a good job."
"What would have made it great?"
"Well, no mistakes."
"Wouldn't it have been excellent then?"
"Do you want me to say 'Ok job' chief?"
"Nooooo."
"Then stop talking and take your 8 out of 10."
Well let's get to it.
So, without further ado: WON'T SOMEONE THINK OF THE CHILDREN?
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
No Movies in Class:
A buddy of mine sent me this article, and it really pissed me off. Now, I can see both sides of this argument (which I will show here), but overall this is absolutely stupid. The teacher is showing a historical film. One that is used in college classes to give students an idea of the Elizabethan Era. Yes, it is R-rated, but so is Schindler's List, a film shown freely in most classes, because it deals with a the Holocaust in a frank manner (no pun intended Anne Frank fans). If you refuse to read the article, an English teacher in Georgia showed the film Elizabeth to his senior AP
English class. Once discovered, he was given five minutes to either resign or be fired. Where's the choice? No chance to defend himself, just leave or be tossed. However, I said I would look at this objectively, so:Pros
Gives a visual to the Era
Gives an honest look at the Era
Cons
Allows students to NOT use their imagination
Gives an honest look at the Era
Beyond that, if you have any students under the age of 17, you have to have parental permission. This can be done with a simple permission slip that is signed by the parents. If he didn't have them, AND he had underage students, the school has an argument, BUT come on. This is a film designed to show how Elizabeth came to power, ruled, and then left power. It's history and helps set up the period writings. We let Herr Schindler go, because it depicts a dark time in a very realistic way. We'll let kids see Nazis kill the Jews, but one naked butt in the Elizabethan period and it's off with his head? If a history teacher ever wants to give visual aid to the McCarthy Era, can she or he no show Good Night, and Good Luck? This would help the students visualize Murrow's struggles. Double standard indeed.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Rap vs. Country for America's Morals:
So I was listening to CNN at around two or three in the morning. Again: couldn't sleep. They bring on this guy (couldn't tell you his name to save my life) to talk about Country Music and the Country Music Awards in NY last night (because New York just SCREAMS Country Music, right?). Anyway, this guy starts talking about how Country Music is American music, etc, etc,
and then he starts talking (no lie) about how Country is filled with moralistic songs that teach people the right way to live, "unlike Rap or Hip-Hop, which teaches kids to be thugs and kill each other." He went on to talk about how Hip-Hop promotes rape and all sorts of other un-American and non-moralistic activities. Fine, that's his opinion. Here's my problem.
I agree that some rap artists promote some not so good ideas (such as killing a guy for his money, slapping your bitch up, etc.), however you cannot say that Country music, as a whole, promotes "totally wholesome ideas." 
For every "pimp" that comes out of hip-hop, there's the guy in country who sings a song (oh, let's say Toby Keith, for instance) about a guy who's mad at his girlfriend, so he sleeps with a waitress. Wow, that's chock full o' morals. Just because the Black Eyed Peas have a song called "My Humps" (which is about that part of ladies that most men look at right away) doesn't mean they're destroying America. Last night's big winner was Lee Ann Womack for her song, "I May Hate Myself in the Morning." Essentially, her song is about a woman who is lonely so she decides to sleep with her ex. Hey, that's a great "moral lesson". I'm lonely, so even though I'll regret, I should get it on with my ex.
Look, I have no problem admitting that some Rap or Hip-Hop is not necessarily life-afirming, but neither is alot of Country Music. Don't try to sell me on that.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Tis the Season...Sigh:
I am not a huge fan of the "holiday season." Not because of the religious aspects (I couldn't care less about that), and not, as so many like to believe about people who don't like the holidays, because of my family. No, I hate this time of year because sensible people are infused with mob mentality. 
People who normally make sense and act calm will beat each other in order to get that on sale item or get the "COOL, NEW ITEM" such as this year's "it" item: the upside-down Christmas tree. Now, I'm of two minds of this little baby. Part of me says, "Sure it makes sense. More presents can fit (I mean we are a materialistic society), and if you have to put it near furniture, it will take up less room. It's something different from the usual trees, and, if you believe Christmas trees are a religious symbol, this literally turns the religious symbolism upside-down. This tree could be used for Chanukkah or Kwanzaa.
So what's the problem with it? A cheap one costs $300. That's just the beginning. It really IS designed to fit more presents under it. That's not really fitting into the spirit of the holiday, and THAT is my main problem: We have seriously lost the meaning of this holiday. This holiday has become more about finding the perfect gift than anything else. Instead of, "Merry Christmas," we should just shout, "Happy Give Me What I Want Day!"
There are other issues, of course. I was at JoAnn Fabrics over in "The Grove" (That's for you, DeRusha. It is your hood.), and started looking through the holiday aisles while waiting for my pictures I had framed (they were searching for them). There was nothing for Kwanzaa. Ok, because it's a holiday that was recognized starting in 1969, I guess I can understand that, but what amazed me was 1 aisle for Chanukkah. One measly aisle. And in that aisle? Well there were menoras...and...that's it. What surprised me was when I asked one of the associates (or workers) about the lack of Chanukkah stuff.
"Where's the rest of your Chanukkah decorations?"
"This is it, sir."
"There are...(I count) eight aisles of Christmas decorations, and only one aisle of Chanukkah stuff? Interesting."
"Well we do have blue and silver decorations over here."
She leads me to an area with a giant sign that reads, "Winter Decorations" and says, "This should work. I mean, blue and silver are the Chanukkah colors, right?"
I had no answer. What would you say? "Hey, thanks. Good stuff....Yeah."
I just don't like this time of year, because women will trample each other at 6 AM at a Wal-Mart just to save five dollars. The spirit of goodwill seems to disappear very quickly and instead of helping each other, we attack each other.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------ Little Jimmy Gets Math...and Smack:
A 5 year old kindergartner in Pennsylvania was in trouble when he arrived at school with 8 bags (EIGHT, folks) of Heroin. First of all, I hope that kid was getting good money from the teachers. Ok, ok. In all seriousness, what is amazing to me is not that the kid had the drugs, but the fact that after he was caught with them, the school was unsure of what to do. They waited almost three weeks before confronting the parents. This tells me that the school's lawyer must have been on vacation. You have to feel bad for this kid as well, because he's going to need a Parole Officer until he graduates from college. I work with kids now who are freshman and have P.Os.
And finally:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Sex Bomb:
Tomorrow begins the Sex and So Much More show. There's controversy from people who think it's "just horrible" that this show is occuring. As if, oh I don't know, people shouldn't know about SEX. Eeeeek!
On a separate note, anyone notice how excited (pun intended) DeRusha is to cover this thing? It's a little scary.
Ok, I'm just kidding. Scary is the WCCO commercial with Don Shelby (AKA The Don) drinking organic milk like a fiend. How many takes did he do, I wonder. Did he get bored and whip the milk at someone? Did he diva out?
Ok, I'm out for the night. Until tomorrow.
Insomnia: Not Just for Breakfast Anymore!
This hurts.
I got into my nice cozy bed about two hours ago.
The sheets were slightly chilled, but the warmth of the down comforter on top made it balance out almost perfectly. There was no noise, no light, and everything was set for a perfect night sleep.
So why am I writing at 1-something in the morning? Because Insomnia robs me of sleep.
I wish it were more like the song:
"Love...unrequited...robs me of my sleep at night."
Unfortunately for me, the very person I love is next to me in bed, so it cannot be that.
I'm not sure what's keeping me up now.
There's a set of rules they give to insomniacs to help them sleep. These include:
-No exercise after 5 PM. No problem. I can work out after school.
-No Caffeine after 4 PM. Again, no problem. I seem to be prefering water lately. Plus, I don't really like coffee. I know, I'm Un-American. Get over it.
-No stimulation before bed. Here's what that includes:
No TV
No Reading
No Sex or bedroom related activities (which is strange, because wouldn't that tire you out to sleep?)
No Exercise (covered that already)
No Eating (Um, who needs the nightmares?)
No Stressful activity (this includes any work, but as a teacher, you work until your eyes scream, "NO MORE!"
-If you still can't sleep, you can try a glass of warm milk. Isn't this essentially eating? Plus, it's liquid. You down a bunch of liquid and go to bed, you're asking to for your body to wake you up to head to the bathroom.
-Get plenty of sunlight. This one is my favorite. Up here in the Nord (yes, purposely misspelled), the sun kinda leaves for a long time. Add to that that I go to work before sunrise and leave with little time left before sunset...I get no sun. However, I am not dropping $200 to have a visor that simulates sunlight. It's not the same. No matter what you say. It's not the same. I also don't understand how sunlight helps me sleep. Seriously. I need it to be dark to sleep. My bedroom now has blackout curtains which make it pitch black. Yet here I am...typing away.
These rules seem kinda arbitrary. Don't read in bed. Ok, but when my wife reads, she passes out cold. I end up having to slide the bookmark in, close the book, and turn off the light for her. It's kinda cute. Me, I end up reading the whole three hundred page book in one sitting.
My favorite thing on Web MD about Insomnia is the section about Exams and Tests. Gee. How should I test for Insomnia. How about it's after 1:20, and I'm awake. (Yes, I type fast. Get over it.)
I know I'm not alone, but man, this is a bad time for Insomnia.
Maybe ranting will help.
I should go find out.
One last note: I see in my last post that I wrote "No ramblings for tomorrow." Addendum: It should be until tomorrow, or at this point 14 hours or so from now.
Hope you all are sleeping well.
I got into my nice cozy bed about two hours ago.
The sheets were slightly chilled, but the warmth of the down comforter on top made it balance out almost perfectly. There was no noise, no light, and everything was set for a perfect night sleep.
So why am I writing at 1-something in the morning? Because Insomnia robs me of sleep.
I wish it were more like the song:
"Love...unrequited...robs me of my sleep at night."
Unfortunately for me, the very person I love is next to me in bed, so it cannot be that.
I'm not sure what's keeping me up now.
There's a set of rules they give to insomniacs to help them sleep. These include:
-No exercise after 5 PM. No problem. I can work out after school.
-No Caffeine after 4 PM. Again, no problem. I seem to be prefering water lately. Plus, I don't really like coffee. I know, I'm Un-American. Get over it.
-No stimulation before bed. Here's what that includes:
No TV
No Reading
No Sex or bedroom related activities (which is strange, because wouldn't that tire you out to sleep?)
No Exercise (covered that already)
No Eating (Um, who needs the nightmares?)
No Stressful activity (this includes any work, but as a teacher, you work until your eyes scream, "NO MORE!"
-If you still can't sleep, you can try a glass of warm milk. Isn't this essentially eating? Plus, it's liquid. You down a bunch of liquid and go to bed, you're asking to for your body to wake you up to head to the bathroom.
-Get plenty of sunlight. This one is my favorite. Up here in the Nord (yes, purposely misspelled), the sun kinda leaves for a long time. Add to that that I go to work before sunrise and leave with little time left before sunset...I get no sun. However, I am not dropping $200 to have a visor that simulates sunlight. It's not the same. No matter what you say. It's not the same. I also don't understand how sunlight helps me sleep. Seriously. I need it to be dark to sleep. My bedroom now has blackout curtains which make it pitch black. Yet here I am...typing away.
These rules seem kinda arbitrary. Don't read in bed. Ok, but when my wife reads, she passes out cold. I end up having to slide the bookmark in, close the book, and turn off the light for her. It's kinda cute. Me, I end up reading the whole three hundred page book in one sitting.
My favorite thing on Web MD about Insomnia is the section about Exams and Tests. Gee. How should I test for Insomnia. How about it's after 1:20, and I'm awake. (Yes, I type fast. Get over it.)
I know I'm not alone, but man, this is a bad time for Insomnia.
Maybe ranting will help.
I should go find out.
One last note: I see in my last post that I wrote "No ramblings for tomorrow." Addendum: It should be until tomorrow, or at this point 14 hours or so from now.
Hope you all are sleeping well.
Tuesday, November 15, 2005
Busy
Sorry, boys and girls, but I'm really busy tonight.
No ramblings for tomorrow.
However, we will be discussing Rap & Country Music vs. "moral values", Neighborly advice, and more.
Hope to see you tomorrow.
No ramblings for tomorrow.
However, we will be discussing Rap & Country Music vs. "moral values", Neighborly advice, and more.
Hope to see you tomorrow.
Monday, November 14, 2005
Mail Mondays (11/14/05)
Ah Monday. A day when people return to work after a relaxing weekend. Why are Mondays usually so bad? Because after relaxing for a day or two, you have to amp it back up to get through the week.
As the temperature drops and the daylight fades to almost nothing, it gets harder to bounce back. At least for me. Oh well.
So, let's get to the mail.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Leab,
How can you not love watching movies at home?
You don't have to deal with annoying people, high prices, or ads.
Come on, Leab. Home theaters are SO much better.
Mini-Ebert
Dear Mini-Ebert,
I don't begrudge anyone who wants to watch their movies at home. I mean I get why. You don't have to deal with annoying patrons (right, Worm?) who talk or answer their cell phones or whatever. It is cheaper. The average matinee here in Minnesota is $6.50. You can get a film for 24 hours on cable's "On Demand" for $4.00. You can rent it at Blockbuster for the same amount. Or, if you know where to look, you can watch it for free online. It all depends on where you look.
Watching at home has other advantages:
-Sometimes you can have better food. You want vegetables or beer? Hey, it's at your house.
-No waiting. No need to get in line, get a seat, and wait through ads and previews. Pop the movie in and go.
-You need to go to the bathroom? Pause the film. You can't do that at a movie theater.
There are a lot of other reasons, and home theaters are getting much better.
So after all these great reasons, why would I still go to the theater?
Well, first of all, the setups in movie theaters are still better than what us laymen can afford. But the ultimate reason is pathos. Seriously. When the people stop talking and watch the movie it can be the most amazing shared experience. I can remember going to see Die Hard in a New York movie theater with my father. If you've never been to a movie in NY, I can honestly say that they are usually the best audiences. During the film the audience laughed together, gasped together, and even cheered together. For those two hours, those couple hundred people were all together in one place and in one mind set.
A more recent example came when I went to Crash. At one point in the film (going to throw a spoiler out here), a little girl is shot at by an older man. In that moment, the entire theater was together feeling what the girl's father was feeling. No one spoke, no one looked away (except me, because I am a freak and want to check out psychological situations), and no one spoke. We all were in the moment.
That's why I love movie theaters. You're away from your home, but in a different world. When done right, you can forget that anything exists outside that black box. AND, the people in that box are now joined by this common experience.
I can't really explain it better than that. Maybe it's because I grew up in a family with cinephiles, but I love being in the theater.
One more for tonight:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one' s a comment.
There was zero need for that.
None. I am fuming right now.
GEEZ I AM SO PISSED OFF AT YOU!
Emma
You might be asking yourself, dear reader, "Leab, what have you done?"
Well, back in this post, I talked about Emma. Why? Because someone asked me about her. I think she's just pissed at me, because of what I wrote. The problem is: It's all true.
Then again, I wasn't the one who wrote a really bad signature of myself on a body part. So maybe I should be just as angry? I don't know. At this point, I just need to wait for the storm to actually show up. Ho-hum.
As always, have a good night.
As the temperature drops and the daylight fades to almost nothing, it gets harder to bounce back. At least for me. Oh well.
So, let's get to the mail.
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Hey Leab,
How can you not love watching movies at home?
You don't have to deal with annoying people, high prices, or ads.
Come on, Leab. Home theaters are SO much better.
Mini-Ebert
Dear Mini-Ebert,
I don't begrudge anyone who wants to watch their movies at home. I mean I get why. You don't have to deal with annoying patrons (right, Worm?) who talk or answer their cell phones or whatever. It is cheaper. The average matinee here in Minnesota is $6.50. You can get a film for 24 hours on cable's "On Demand" for $4.00. You can rent it at Blockbuster for the same amount. Or, if you know where to look, you can watch it for free online. It all depends on where you look.
Watching at home has other advantages:
-Sometimes you can have better food. You want vegetables or beer? Hey, it's at your house.
-No waiting. No need to get in line, get a seat, and wait through ads and previews. Pop the movie in and go.
-You need to go to the bathroom? Pause the film. You can't do that at a movie theater.
There are a lot of other reasons, and home theaters are getting much better.
So after all these great reasons, why would I still go to the theater?
Well, first of all, the setups in movie theaters are still better than what us laymen can afford. But the ultimate reason is pathos. Seriously. When the people stop talking and watch the movie it can be the most amazing shared experience. I can remember going to see Die Hard in a New York movie theater with my father. If you've never been to a movie in NY, I can honestly say that they are usually the best audiences. During the film the audience laughed together, gasped together, and even cheered together. For those two hours, those couple hundred people were all together in one place and in one mind set.
A more recent example came when I went to Crash. At one point in the film (going to throw a spoiler out here), a little girl is shot at by an older man. In that moment, the entire theater was together feeling what the girl's father was feeling. No one spoke, no one looked away (except me, because I am a freak and want to check out psychological situations), and no one spoke. We all were in the moment.
That's why I love movie theaters. You're away from your home, but in a different world. When done right, you can forget that anything exists outside that black box. AND, the people in that box are now joined by this common experience.
I can't really explain it better than that. Maybe it's because I grew up in a family with cinephiles, but I love being in the theater.
One more for tonight:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
This one' s a comment.
There was zero need for that.
None. I am fuming right now.
GEEZ I AM SO PISSED OFF AT YOU!
Emma
You might be asking yourself, dear reader, "Leab, what have you done?"
Well, back in this post, I talked about Emma. Why? Because someone asked me about her. I think she's just pissed at me, because of what I wrote. The problem is: It's all true.
Then again, I wasn't the one who wrote a really bad signature of myself on a body part. So maybe I should be just as angry? I don't know. At this point, I just need to wait for the storm to actually show up. Ho-hum.
As always, have a good night.
Sunday, November 13, 2005
Ramblings for the Afternoon (11/13/05)
Two hundred. 2-0-0. Wow. Granted, there are people out there with post numbers in the thousands, but I still feel pretty good about getting to two hundred. It means my brain isn't empty just yet.
So, without further ado: BOOM, BABY!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life and Death in Minnesota:
This morning it was reported that a popular wrestler in the WWE was found dead in his Minneapolis hotel room. Eddie Guerrero was supposed to be part of a show tonight at the Target Center. Now, it has not been said what exactly killed him, but I find it that this is another athlete (you can debate about whether or not wrestling is a sport, but you can't debate these guys do work hard to keep themselves in shape) who has died during "the season."
In Denver you had Thomas Herrion, a rather large football player, die of a heart attack. Jason Collier, the center for the Atlanta Hawks (NBA) died of heart problem. A few years ago Darryl Kile, a pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals died of (you guessed it) a heart problem.
It makes me wonder if all these guys have pushed themselves too hard, be it with some form of exercise or with performance-enhancing drugs. I will be curious to find out if Guerrero died due to a heart problem, or if he died of an overdose or something of that nature.
This made me think, however, and I admit I put this in for a possible post over at MNSpeak: Who is the most famous person to die in the state of Minnesota? Sure the popular answer would be Paul Wellstone, but outside of Minnesota, not a ton of people know who he is. Is it Herb Brooks? If so, then this lead to a second question: Who is the most famous NON-Minnesotan to die here in Minnesota? Herb was born here in St. Paul, so you can't use him. Again, you could use Wellstone as he was born in D.C., but he's not super-well known.
On the flip side (of sorts) there are the four people injured over at the Brookdale Mall. When B5, the boy band created by (of all people) Sean (Diddy) Combs, performed at the mall, young girls apparently began storming the stage and created (I love this term) a "Girl Frenzy." Girls, desperate to just touch one of the boys, pushed toward the stage and were fighting with each other. The best part? This whole event was being staged by Radio Disney and was going to be filmed and possible played on the Disney Channel.
Now, there are a few issues here. First of all, 2,000 people were at this concert, and there were only 10 security guards. 10. That means each guy was covering 200 people. Ok, no problem there. Can we blame the fans at all? Sure. Maybe it's wrong, but these kids also started beating on each other to get closer. Is that really what our parents are teaching our kids? "You want one of those kids to notice you? Get in close. Kill anyone that gets in your way!" The last issue? How long until the lawsuit and who's getting sued? If it's Brookdale, then the mall might as well just shut down. It can barely afford what's there now.
It's just another depressing sign of the times we live in. It's almost as bad as going to the movie theater, sitting in your seat, and then having someone tell you that's their seat when EVERY other seat is available. Speaking of movies:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Ironic Movie Review:
So I went and saw Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. What an incredible film. Seriously. Sure, it's an action-comedy in the same vain as Lethal Weapon, but it manages to do something that not alot of action films do: It makes you think, AND, if you are a film and mystery buff, the film rewards you. What do I mean? Let me explain:
This film takes the classic film noir rules and turns them on on their head (a la Scream and the horror film genre). I'll give you examples by comparing them to another film that used the noir rules (but in the future): Blade Runner.
-One character, usually the main character, narrates the film. In Blade Runner, it was Harrison Ford's Rick Deckard just talking about what he did or thought. This is typical for noir and mystery writing (I suggest you read any novel by Raymond Chandler, which is actually a part of the film, but that comes later). In KKBB, the main character narrates, but he's really bad at it. He even acknowledges this to the audience. He jumps around in time, he can't focus on the story, and he makes sarcastic notes about the action the audience is watching.
-In Blade Runner, as in most noir, you have the Femme Fatale, a usually sexually insatiable woman who (usually) is evil. However, she either comes around to become the main character's girl, or she dies. In KKBB, the femme fatale goes back and forth. She seems evil, but she may or may not be. She commits some questionable acts as well. This leads to the next point:
-The main character has a questionable moral outlook. In both films, the main character does things that may or may not be considered "crossing the line." However, in KKBB, we understand why the character does what he does (I don't want to give anything away, so I will remain vague). We may even react that same way.
Other points:
-The four acts of the film are separated by title cards. Each card is the name of a Raymond Chandler book.
-At one point a character talks about how much he hates it in films when a little known character appears to die or disappear and then reappears at the end. This happens in the film.
-Every "Tough Guy" antic that you're used to seeing in films is used, but changed by screenwriter and director Shane Black. There's the typical Russian Roulette scene, the buddies arguing, and more.
If you're a film nerd like I am, then you can even name films and novels that they are cribbing from (I know, that's sad). That's what makes this film so good. If you know the history, then so much more is open to you, but if you don't then you still will find things to enjoy about the film. I highly recommend it.
That being said, it leads me to my final point today (and yes, I'm writing on a Sunday, because I'm not sure how much free time I will have this week):
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What has Happened to Movie Theaters?:
I love going to the movie theater. I even was quoted in USA Today talking about why I like it. If given the choice of watching at home or watching in a theater, I will choose the theater. There's just something about it. That being said, too many people are treating the movie theater like they are at home. It saddens me. My experience while watching KKBB was not as bad as other times, but it's always annoying when people just start talking to each other. You typical offenders, such as talking to screen ("Don't go in there!"), going across the row to go to the bathroom ("Excuse me, pardon me, sorry."), and late comers ("Is anyone sitting there?") don't bother me so much. No it's the new breed of people who talk to each other through the whole film. "Oh that's so and so. You know...he was on that show...with the girl I think is hot. Wait, what did he just say, I couldn't hear it. Huh, I think I read about how this film ends...etc, etc, etc." I hate these people. You have hours upon hours outside this small black box to talk to each other, and you choose now, when everyone else wants quiet, to talk to each other? There's a special place in Hell for people like you. Right next to the cellphone talkers. How dare you talk on your phone. If you need to talk to someone, leave the theater. Yes, you'll miss some of the movie, but that's your fault for answering the phone. If it's SO pressing that you need to answer, then why are you at the movie theater? Maybe you should be at the hospital for surgery. Wait, it's about dinner tonight? That can wait two hours, you ass! You, too, will be in that special corner of Hell with the talkers and the seat hogs. Oh seat hogs. I really don't like you either. You're the people who save the seats around you as well so no one can sit there. So now, when I enter the theater, even though I'm five minutes early, I have to sit with my nose on the screen, because you don't want someone sharing your armrest. As Corky would say, "You're bastard people. You make me want to go home and bite my pillow."
That being said, the ladies in KKBB with me were not so bad. There were some issues. For example, I laughed a great deal. They never laughed. At one point, I laughed at a joke that was, for intents and purposes, a cheap homosexual joke. It was funny and kind of original. When I laughed, one woman shushed me. That right, she told me to be quiet. Wow. That's pretty harsh.
At the end of the movie, a character apologizes for all the F-bombs dropped throughout the film and one of the woman said, "Thank you." Why did you see this film then?
As we left after credits, one woman stopped me and asked me if I liked the movie.
"Very much so," I told her. "It was brilliant."
"How can you think that. It was a terrible movie. I should have gone to Zathura. Why did you like it?"
I explained it to her, but I gave her the crib notes version or what I said above.
"Oh, they made fun of homosexuals. That's not funny. And all of the swearing? Not needed. Why was that one woman naked? Who needs to see that?"
"Well, it was integral to the plot. And the homosexual humor was being told...by a homosexual."
"You seem like a nice man, but you obviously don't understand what modern audiences want to see. We don't want to see that."
"Well, I disagree with you, but that's you opinion and thus your right."
So, here's my issue with this: What does a 40 year old midwestern woman know about what modern audiences want? Maybe this woman is one of the people who wrote threatening letters to the WB, because 7th Heaven is ending (and I'm still pissed about Arrested Development). It makes me wonder if she's right, however. The modern audience doesn't want to think. They want the laugh track to tell them when to laugh. They want the film to spell out everything for them so they don't have to think (God forbid you know anything about Murrow and McCarthy BEFORE you see the film. Oh well). I'll give you an example: Thirteen Days. If you never knew anything abuot the Cuban Missle Crisis, you might not really enjoy the film. It expects that you know what happened. Most American audiences don't remember or don't want to have to think. No wonder they call it the boob tube. TV means you don't have to think. You ever watch...let's see what was picked up for the whole year...Freddie? Didn't think so. Neither have I. I only know it's on before Lost. Yet the show has been picked up for the whole year despite not great ratings. This is a show where the plots are rehashed from other shows (so I've been told) and the laugh track is so loud that it almost screams, "LAUGH HERE IDIOT!!!!" Apparently that's what people need. If it's smart, then it will probably fail. Need an example? Beyond Arrested Development, look at The Office. There's no laugh track, and the jokes try to make you uncomfortable. Sure, if you've never, ever worked a day in your life, you might not understand the people's feelings, but most people have worked and that's why the show is so funny. Who hasn't worked with someone that's just so odd or incredibly dumb?
It's just sad that no one really wants to think anymore.
Then again, what do I know? I felt that Zoolander was funny. I could be wrong.
So, without further ado: BOOM, BABY!
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Life and Death in Minnesota:
This morning it was reported that a popular wrestler in the WWE was found dead in his Minneapolis hotel room. Eddie Guerrero was supposed to be part of a show tonight at the Target Center. Now, it has not been said what exactly killed him, but I find it that this is another athlete (you can debate about whether or not wrestling is a sport, but you can't debate these guys do work hard to keep themselves in shape) who has died during "the season."
In Denver you had Thomas Herrion, a rather large football player, die of a heart attack. Jason Collier, the center for the Atlanta Hawks (NBA) died of heart problem. A few years ago Darryl Kile, a pitcher for the St. Louis Cardinals died of (you guessed it) a heart problem.
It makes me wonder if all these guys have pushed themselves too hard, be it with some form of exercise or with performance-enhancing drugs. I will be curious to find out if Guerrero died due to a heart problem, or if he died of an overdose or something of that nature.
This made me think, however, and I admit I put this in for a possible post over at MNSpeak: Who is the most famous person to die in the state of Minnesota? Sure the popular answer would be Paul Wellstone, but outside of Minnesota, not a ton of people know who he is. Is it Herb Brooks? If so, then this lead to a second question: Who is the most famous NON-Minnesotan to die here in Minnesota? Herb was born here in St. Paul, so you can't use him. Again, you could use Wellstone as he was born in D.C., but he's not super-well known.
On the flip side (of sorts) there are the four people injured over at the Brookdale Mall. When B5, the boy band created by (of all people) Sean (Diddy) Combs, performed at the mall, young girls apparently began storming the stage and created (I love this term) a "Girl Frenzy." Girls, desperate to just touch one of the boys, pushed toward the stage and were fighting with each other. The best part? This whole event was being staged by Radio Disney and was going to be filmed and possible played on the Disney Channel.
Now, there are a few issues here. First of all, 2,000 people were at this concert, and there were only 10 security guards. 10. That means each guy was covering 200 people. Ok, no problem there. Can we blame the fans at all? Sure. Maybe it's wrong, but these kids also started beating on each other to get closer. Is that really what our parents are teaching our kids? "You want one of those kids to notice you? Get in close. Kill anyone that gets in your way!" The last issue? How long until the lawsuit and who's getting sued? If it's Brookdale, then the mall might as well just shut down. It can barely afford what's there now.
It's just another depressing sign of the times we live in. It's almost as bad as going to the movie theater, sitting in your seat, and then having someone tell you that's their seat when EVERY other seat is available. Speaking of movies:
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
An Ironic Movie Review:
So I went and saw Kiss Kiss Bang Bang. What an incredible film. Seriously. Sure, it's an action-comedy in the same vain as Lethal Weapon, but it manages to do something that not alot of action films do: It makes you think, AND, if you are a film and mystery buff, the film rewards you. What do I mean? Let me explain:
This film takes the classic film noir rules and turns them on on their head (a la Scream and the horror film genre). I'll give you examples by comparing them to another film that used the noir rules (but in the future): Blade Runner.
-One character, usually the main character, narrates the film. In Blade Runner, it was Harrison Ford's Rick Deckard just talking about what he did or thought. This is typical for noir and mystery writing (I suggest you read any novel by Raymond Chandler, which is actually a part of the film, but that comes later). In KKBB, the main character narrates, but he's really bad at it. He even acknowledges this to the audience. He jumps around in time, he can't focus on the story, and he makes sarcastic notes about the action the audience is watching.
-In Blade Runner, as in most noir, you have the Femme Fatale, a usually sexually insatiable woman who (usually) is evil. However, she either comes around to become the main character's girl, or she dies. In KKBB, the femme fatale goes back and forth. She seems evil, but she may or may not be. She commits some questionable acts as well. This leads to the next point:
-The main character has a questionable moral outlook. In both films, the main character does things that may or may not be considered "crossing the line." However, in KKBB, we understand why the character does what he does (I don't want to give anything away, so I will remain vague). We may even react that same way.
Other points:
-The four acts of the film are separated by title cards. Each card is the name of a Raymond Chandler book.
-At one point a character talks about how much he hates it in films when a little known character appears to die or disappear and then reappears at the end. This happens in the film.
-Every "Tough Guy" antic that you're used to seeing in films is used, but changed by screenwriter and director Shane Black. There's the typical Russian Roulette scene, the buddies arguing, and more.
If you're a film nerd like I am, then you can even name films and novels that they are cribbing from (I know, that's sad). That's what makes this film so good. If you know the history, then so much more is open to you, but if you don't then you still will find things to enjoy about the film. I highly recommend it.
That being said, it leads me to my final point today (and yes, I'm writing on a Sunday, because I'm not sure how much free time I will have this week):
------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
What has Happened to Movie Theaters?:
I love going to the movie theater. I even was quoted in USA Today talking about why I like it. If given the choice of watching at home or watching in a theater, I will choose the theater. There's just something about it. That being said, too many people are treating the movie theater like they are at home. It saddens me. My experience while watching KKBB was not as bad as other times, but it's always annoying when people just start talking to each other. You typical offenders, such as talking to screen ("Don't go in there!"), going across the row to go to the bathroom ("Excuse me, pardon me, sorry."), and late comers ("Is anyone sitting there?") don't bother me so much. No it's the new breed of people who talk to each other through the whole film. "Oh that's so and so. You know...he was on that show...with the girl I think is hot. Wait, what did he just say, I couldn't hear it. Huh, I think I read about how this film ends...etc, etc, etc." I hate these people. You have hours upon hours outside this small black box to talk to each other, and you choose now, when everyone else wants quiet, to talk to each other? There's a special place in Hell for people like you. Right next to the cellphone talkers. How dare you talk on your phone. If you need to talk to someone, leave the theater. Yes, you'll miss some of the movie, but that's your fault for answering the phone. If it's SO pressing that you need to answer, then why are you at the movie theater? Maybe you should be at the hospital for surgery. Wait, it's about dinner tonight? That can wait two hours, you ass! You, too, will be in that special corner of Hell with the talkers and the seat hogs. Oh seat hogs. I really don't like you either. You're the people who save the seats around you as well so no one can sit there. So now, when I enter the theater, even though I'm five minutes early, I have to sit with my nose on the screen, because you don't want someone sharing your armrest. As Corky would say, "You're bastard people. You make me want to go home and bite my pillow."
That being said, the ladies in KKBB with me were not so bad. There were some issues. For example, I laughed a great deal. They never laughed. At one point, I laughed at a joke that was, for intents and purposes, a cheap homosexual joke. It was funny and kind of original. When I laughed, one woman shushed me. That right, she told me to be quiet. Wow. That's pretty harsh.
At the end of the movie, a character apologizes for all the F-bombs dropped throughout the film and one of the woman said, "Thank you." Why did you see this film then?
As we left after credits, one woman stopped me and asked me if I liked the movie.
"Very much so," I told her. "It was brilliant."
"How can you think that. It was a terrible movie. I should have gone to Zathura. Why did you like it?"
I explained it to her, but I gave her the crib notes version or what I said above.
"Oh, they made fun of homosexuals. That's not funny. And all of the swearing? Not needed. Why was that one woman naked? Who needs to see that?"
"Well, it was integral to the plot. And the homosexual humor was being told...by a homosexual."
"You seem like a nice man, but you obviously don't understand what modern audiences want to see. We don't want to see that."
"Well, I disagree with you, but that's you opinion and thus your right."
So, here's my issue with this: What does a 40 year old midwestern woman know about what modern audiences want? Maybe this woman is one of the people who wrote threatening letters to the WB, because 7th Heaven is ending (and I'm still pissed about Arrested Development). It makes me wonder if she's right, however. The modern audience doesn't want to think. They want the laugh track to tell them when to laugh. They want the film to spell out everything for them so they don't have to think (God forbid you know anything about Murrow and McCarthy BEFORE you see the film. Oh well). I'll give you an example: Thirteen Days. If you never knew anything abuot the Cuban Missle Crisis, you might not really enjoy the film. It expects that you know what happened. Most American audiences don't remember or don't want to have to think. No wonder they call it the boob tube. TV means you don't have to think. You ever watch...let's see what was picked up for the whole year...Freddie? Didn't think so. Neither have I. I only know it's on before Lost. Yet the show has been picked up for the whole year despite not great ratings. This is a show where the plots are rehashed from other shows (so I've been told) and the laugh track is so loud that it almost screams, "LAUGH HERE IDIOT!!!!" Apparently that's what people need. If it's smart, then it will probably fail. Need an example? Beyond Arrested Development, look at The Office. There's no laugh track, and the jokes try to make you uncomfortable. Sure, if you've never, ever worked a day in your life, you might not understand the people's feelings, but most people have worked and that's why the show is so funny. Who hasn't worked with someone that's just so odd or incredibly dumb?
It's just sad that no one really wants to think anymore.
Then again, what do I know? I felt that Zoolander was funny. I could be wrong.
Friday, November 11, 2005
Addendum
Hey folks.
It's a gorgeous day today. So what am I doing? Well, I'm heading out to the movies.
That's right, the movies. The dark, indoor, and overpriced building that I actually like going to now and then.
As it has been soooo long since I've gotten to see a movie in the theatre, I'm excited. Today's choice: Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang.
How will it be?
Well, I'll let you know.
Off to my favorite place: THE MOVIES!
It's a gorgeous day today. So what am I doing? Well, I'm heading out to the movies.
That's right, the movies. The dark, indoor, and overpriced building that I actually like going to now and then.
As it has been soooo long since I've gotten to see a movie in the theatre, I'm excited. Today's choice: Kiss, Kiss, Bang, Bang.
How will it be?
Well, I'll let you know.
Off to my favorite place: THE MOVIES!
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